Notes/Warnings: Written for avser3322 for her help_haiti donation. I didn't quite manage James and Lily, hon. Only in passing. Sorry! :)
Disclaimer: This fiction is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling and affiliates. No money is being made and no offense is intended. Characters are of legal age for sexual situations.
'Why am I nervous? I shouldn't be nervous. I see him every day. This is no different.'
James Potter smirked, eyes shifting momentarily from his own reflection in the mirror, to that of Sirius behind him. 'Except this time, you might get lucky after?' he suggested with a lewd wriggle of his eyebrows. 'I mean, with someone other than your right hand.'
'Git,' Sirius muttered, turning from the mirror when he saw his cheeks colouring.
This was ridiculous. He had been on heaps of first dates. Hundreds. And he was good at first dates. He was confident and charming and solicitous...
Sirius rubbed his sweaty palms against his denim-clad thighs. There was nothing confident about him tonight. His hands were sweaty, his throat was dry and there was a swarm of butterflies causing havoc in his stomach. Hell, he'd even thrown up!
I shouldn't be this nervous about a date.
But it wasn't just a date. This was a date with Remus.
Sirius felt his stomach twist again and swallowed down the nausea that rose in his throat. Gods, what if he buggered this up? What if Remus took one look at him and decided that friendship was all there was ever going to be between them? It had taken Sirius so long to convince the other boy that his intentions were sincere; what if he completely fucked this up? What if everything changed then went rotten, and he lost the best thing in his life?
Change is bad. So very bad.
He glanced at James who was still primping for his date with Lily. Sirius envied his calm. He ran a trembling hand over his green button up shirt – Remus' favourite on him – smoothing out non-existent wrinkles and ensuring it was still tucked neatly into his black trousers. He looked at his reflection again and frowned at an errant strand of hair that had dared to drift out of place. Tonight had to be perfect. He had to make sure Remus didn't regret giving him a chance.
'Take some deep breaths,' James advised, catching Sirius' eye and giving him an understanding smile. 'It's just Remus, Pads. He won't bite.' A wicked grin spread across his face as he turned around and snatched up his coat. 'Unless you blokes like that kind of thing.'
'Piss off,' Sirius muttered, ignoring James' snigger as the other boy waved a casual farewell on his way out of the room.
He did take James' advice, though, inhaling deeply and finding that it did, indeed, help. Sirius sank down onto his bed and closed his eyes, concentrating on breathing in and out, focusing on the rhythmic rise and fall of his chest, of the inflation and deflation of his lungs, of the steady, if not faster than usual, beat of his heart. He felt his hands unclench, his muscles relax and the insects waging war on his insides calmed.
It's going to be okay. I can do this.
'Sirius?'
His head snapped up, all the earlier tension and nerves rushing back at the sound of Remus' voice. This wasn't him. Sirius Black was brave and bold and gregarious. He didn't fall apart at the sight of a bloke that he maybekindofsortof... loved.
Loved.
Shit. I love him. I love him.
His stomach roiled, and Sirius bit his lip to hold back a burst of hysterical laughter. He loved Remus Lupin. Merlin!
'Sirius? You're... really pale. What's wrong?'
Remus sat down beside him, Sirius barely noticing as his chest began to burn and his throat closed up.
'For Godric's sake, Sirius!' Remus said urgently, his blue eyes clouded with concern. 'Breathe!'
The order was accompanied by a sharp slap between his shoulder blades, and Sirius sucked in a harsh, gasping breath. As he greedily drew in as much sweet oxygen as he could, he slowly became aware of Remus' hand lingering on his back, rubbing gentle, soothing circles. His touch relaxed the straining muscles, and Sirius moaned – both in pleasure at the touch and in mortification.
'I... shit... Moony, I'm sorry...' Sirius chanced a glance at Remus out of the corner of his eye then turned to face him when he saw the dismayed expression on his face. 'I know I'm an idiot, but it's not that bad, is it?'
'You... you worked yourself up into this state because you're going on a date with me?' Remus asked, his voice soft, but the hurt was clear. 'Why did you ask me out if you were this reluctant?'
'I'm not!' Sirius said quickly, eyes wide with panic. 'Remus, I... I'm – Gods – I'm nervous, okay? No, actually, I'm bloody... terrified.'
Remus frowned. 'Of me?' he said, puzzled. 'You're terrified of me?'
'Yes!' Sirius exclaimed, all his fears coalescing and spewing from him like lava from a volcano. 'Of you, of us, of everything changing, of everything not changing. I don't want to go back to being just friends because I couldn't stand seeing you every day and wanting you and you not wanting me, and I don't want to go forward in case it doesn't work out and I lose you forever, and I couldn't stand that. I just... want to stay here. I want time to stand still so nothing can go wrong...'
His rambling confession was halted as Remus suddenly lunged forward and pressed his lips against Sirius'. A hand carded through Sirius' carefully coiffed hair, making it stand on end, just as Remus' tongue lightly traced the seam of his lips, pleading for entry. Sirius – until now, frozen in shock – jolted into action when he felt the gentle touch, and he opened his mouth, returning the kiss with interest. His hands curled in the fabric of Remus' shirt, crushing the delicate material as he pulled the other boy closer, but Sirius guessed from the rumbling moan that quaked over his lips, that Remus didn't mind so much. Far too soon, Remus extracted himself, pulling back enough to see Sirius' face, his fingers still twined in Sirius' hair.
'There,' he said, the rough note in his voice giving Sirius an enormous sense of satisfaction. 'Now we've moved forward. We aren't going back – not after that kiss – and we aren't standing still. Everything is changing, but that's okay because we want it to change.'
He caged Sirius' face between his palms and kissed him sweetly. 'I want you, you'll never lose me, and you need to take a breath before you pass out.'
Sirius inhaled on command, huffing out a breath of combined amusement and relief. 'You sure you still want to go out with me after that?' he asked, only half-joking.
Remus smiled and his hands moved to flatten Sirius' on-end hair. 'Only if you brush your hair,' he teased. 'I am not going to be seen in public with you looking like James.'
Sirius' eyes bulged and he rushed to the mirror, Remus' chuckle floating after him. He fixed his hair, watching Remus as the other boy watched him. He smiled, and Remus' reflection smiled back at him.
Oh yeah. Change is good. Really, really good.
fin.