Inori

I love you
I'll say it to you at the last
While the two of us can still be close like this
I love you, again and again
until I convey it

—Kimi Sora Kiseki, EGOIST feat. Yuzuriha Inori

"Shu…?" The pale girl sitting up on the bed stared up at me, the light flickering at her irises and making them seem redder than I thought was possible.

"Inori. Good morning." The greeting stuck in my throat, and I tried to smile back when her look became pensive and analyzing. She didn't notice the tears in my eyes, or if she did, she never mentioned it—or maybe she would. "How are you feeling?"

"I don't know," she replied, as I had predicted that she would. And then, as if to prove my predictions: "You were crying, Shu. Why?"

"Crying? No. Nothing. I'm not crying." The words were abrupt and Inori looked faintly incredulous at the lies, but I said them anyway. I didn't care too much about delicacy anymore.

After all, maybe just ten minutes later, she'll forget that we even had this conversation at all. That she woke up to the sight of me crying on her bedside. That she ever called my attention to ask me why I was sad.

I'm not sad. I'm not.

But, of course, pretending is not even an option at this stage anymore.

Well, I had deceived myself just a few minutes ago. Why not extend it a bit longer, the deception?

this is plain madness

Anterograde amnesia, the doctor had told me. The foreign words were hard to swallow like the pills that I make Inori take everyday.

This condition was as bad as, if not worse (which I think it is) than the kind of amnesia that you commonly see in movies or books or television shows. It's better if you consider the fact that she still remembers herself and my identity, and the fact that I wouldn't need to explain those aspects of her life to her. I never was a good hand at giving out explanations.

It's worse, however, if you consider the fact that she will never remember anything from the time of the incident up until ten minutes to a mere two minutes ago… and that she will continue to live as though the incident that had just cost her the ability to live forward had just happened yesterday.

She certainly acted as though everything was just yesterday.

And that almost broke my heart the most. Almost. Not quite. I can't deny the fact that she's still there. Living. The girl that I loved and still do. Even though she might not remember that I tell her that I love her three times every day before she slept. She needed the assurance, you see. She had always been insecure of everything in her. Even though to me, she was just perfect.

The hardest part wasn't speaking to her, though. The hardest was whenever I listen to her.

Her songs weren't the most cheerful at the best of times, and seeing her forget herself in the middle of one and start all over again because she can't remember ever having started took the rest of the light out of it. But I stay and listen anyway, because I know she loved having me listen and tell her that her song is beautiful whenever she finished. But these days, she can't even finish one little song… or if she did, she would have sung it a few more times than was necessary.

"Mou anata kara aisareru koto mo," I heard her voice from the room that I had just left, and sighed. She picked one of the longer ones today, and I was tempted to just walk away. But that wouldn't accomplish anything, just hurt her when she waits and knows just by instinct that I am not going to come back anymore. Or maybe she would have forgotten that she was waiting for me in the first place. "Hitsuyou to sareru koto mo nai…"

Suddenly, I recognize the words that she was singing, and it tore me into half. I'm no longer loved by you, she had just sung. I'm no longer needed by you.

No, I wanted to scream. I still love you, I still do. Please. But of course I don't. It'd just shock her, startle her out of her perfect little world. It wasn't her fault she picked that song to sing. She wasn't trying to reproach me. That was just her thinking that she still lived a normal life, and thus, picked out a random song to sing just as she did before everything.

"Soshite, watashi wa koushite hitoribocchi de…" And thus, just like this… I'm alone…

You're not alone. You're not alone, Inori. And just like that, stung by the simplicity of her words, I again ventured back into the room.

"Inori…"

She broke off, and looked at me quietly. Her pink lips half-opened as if to speak, and yet she didn't say anything for a couple of heartbeats. Then she smiled, slightly, very slightly.

"Shu, good morning." She had already regressed and forgot her song, and along with it the few minutes after she woke up, I realized with a pang.

"Good morning. Inori." A few practiced lines, a convincing smile. A half-month of being like this, stuck in a continuum where Inori still believes that she had just been released from the hospital today, today, today, no yesterdays left, had given me a sort of convincing act that I had to put up with. But it never really mattered as long as I can still see her smile. Inori had been very thrifty with smiles before the incident, and had almost no lack of it after. Smiles of gratitude, I know. "Hungry?" The breakfast that she had just requested earlier was already prepared, but of course this Inori knew nothing about that. "Today, we'll have rice balls."

Inori looked pleasantly surprised, which was another pang although I knew that I should have been used by now. But this all still seemed strange to me. She had never asked for anything else at breakfast but rice balls for weeks, but of course she doesn't remember. Doesn't know. "Thank you."

I smiled. "Anything." And I meant it.

I'd do anything for her, even if it meant lying to myself.

Smile, Shu. There's nothing wrong with her.

Nothing.

I turned, and reached for the doorknob.

"…Shu, why are you standing there?"

I almost want to cry again.

nothing? don't kid yourself, goddamn

"Inori, want to go outside today?"

"The weather is nice today." Another aspect of hers that did not change. She loved going out. Still does. And whenever we went, I make sure to bring the camera with me. So that she'll remember which places we have already gone to. Of course, she regards these pictures as wondrous things, since she can't seem to remember having been to them. But she can't deny the hundreds of Inoris in these pictures, and so gives me the benefit of the doubt whenever I insist that she has been to them. "Tokyo Tower?"

"We've been there already. A couple hundred of times." I give a sort of a half-laugh, and she stares at me until I procure the pictures from the album and give them to her. "Look."

She takes them from me and rifles through the stack, seeing herself in a place that the present her can't remember having been there. Her confusion pains me again. "Is that so…?"

I give her another bright smile. The tentative kind wouldn't do. She has to believe me. Every single time. And that's what's making my position hard. "But of course we can go there again today."

She smiled slightly again, and I was almost happy. If only I wasn't whispering you can't be normal lovers anymore in the back of my mind.

"So, get prepared? We'll be going in twenty minutes." The quicker, the better.

Her ensuing excitement, poorly suppressed as it was, should keep her memories lasting for hours at most. The doctor did say that the more Inori's brain is kept stimulated, the longer she can retain her memories.

I was excited myself.

you can't be normal lovers anymore

she isn't the normal inori anymore

don't dare forget her condition

I cursed to myself and squashed all the negative thoughts out of my mind… or at least, for the time being until Inori forg—

DON'T SAY THE WORD, DAMMIT

"Shu?" She was already tired, I know, her feet already dragging on the ground as her treacherous heeled shoes hung from their straps in her hand. Fortunately, I had already packed a spare pair for her, since one time we forgot and she spent the rest of the day with blisters. This afternoon, her feet were in white flat shoes that I had once pronounced as a bit too frilly on the edges, although she didn't seem to mind combining them in anything.

"Hmm?" The sunset glowed orange and red on the horizon, framed by the skyline of the Tokyo metropolis. Behind us, Tokyo Tower stood with its amazing thousand meters of looping metal frame. The natural orange paint of the structure combined with the red of the sun, making my eyes hurt when I tried to look back upon it.

"Today was fun."

"Yeah." It was customary for me to just agree with her after she was diagnosed with this condition, but for today at least, I agreed wholeheartedly with her. Today was fun. And it was oddly exhilarating at the observation decks, with the whole of Tokyo looking up at us as we walked around. It was as if the tower was a place where time cannot touch us. "We'll visit again." It was a lie-yet-not-a-lie, a lie because she won't recall us ever visiting the first time, and yet will become truth because of the same fact. She'd want to come again even without her memory, because she knew that she hadn't stepped on it in the first place.

"Mm." I could feel her nodding against my shoulder, and felt extremely comfortable here with her.

"Let's take a cab home," I decided, feeling that it would be better—Inori was looking pretty sleepy.

"Mm."

The ride back home was short, and Inori soon jerked back awake when I shook her shoulder softly, finally arriving at the house. "Shu?" she asked drowsily, tracing my bottom lip lazily with a finger.

I knew what she'll ask once she awoke, but dutifully let her anyway, leading her back out and paying the driver our fare. I listened to Inori's next words as the cab went.

"What were we doing?"

I felt the camera in my pocket, once again full of pictures of Inori on Tokyo Tower, and smiled sadly. "Made some memories."

again

again

and again

like a time loop

The evening was muted, the stars sprinkled sparingly upon the dark night sky. Sitting beside her on the bed, I watched as Inori sang, the melody not making sense to me, the sight of her upturned eyes as if in prayer stranger still. After all, what was there for her to pray about? In her mind at least, there was nothing wrong.

"That was a beautiful song," I told her gently, and watched as her face relaxed.

"Are you happy, Shu?" she asked me, quietly, trusting eyes on mine.

"Yes," I told her, and it wasn't a lie. She sighed with relief, and laid back down on the bed to prepare for sleep.

"Shu, hold me," she pleaded, and I acquiesced, hugging her closely as though to guard her memories from slipping away. "I'm glad."

"Why?"

"Because you're happy."

I laughed quietly, and kissed her forehead. "You're such a simple girl to please sometimes, Inori."

"Sometimes?" she asked, and I could almost feel the silent question: What about all other times?

"And sometimes, you're the hardest person to get a smile out of."

"I see. Maybe I am." The silence engulfed us.

"Inori?" I murmured against her forehead.

"Mm…?" She was already drowsy again, and I knew that after a minute, she'll be gone to the world, along with memory of this moment.

I do the ritual anyway.

"I love you." She did not respond, but I felt her smile against my throat.

"What was it?"

Inori could be pretty teasing about it, but of course I oblige her without feeling abashed. I've been through this so many times. Too many times.

But strangely, I don't feel tired telling her this.

"I love you," I whisper. "I love you. Remember that, won't you?"

"I will," she promised, and somehow, I believed her one more time.

END

Goddamn, haven't intended to make Shu sound so emo. And I intentionally left out the specifics of the incident that caused the amnesia. Somehow, I can't think of anything. And besides, Inori and Shu were preoccupied with the present, not the past.

Anyway, reviews?

Come by and read my other story too, Planetes, another AU (multi-chap and lighthearted this time). Check my profile for it. ^^