"It'll all be okay, I promise" Sasha tried to reassure me "It'll pass, it's not serious. You'll pull through, you always do." She carried on.
"But Sash, if I don't…" I started
"For God's sake Kes" she interrupted "don't talk like that!"

"But if I don't, I want you to know, you are and always will be, my best mate."

"Kes…" Sasha began but couldn't finish, a tear rolled down her cheek. Just then a nurse walked in through the door and told Sasha it was time to go. She leant over and hugged me and whispered good bye, tears streamed down her face as she walked out of my room and into the white corridor.

"A good friend?" The nurse asked me

"The best" I replied as a tear rolled down my cheek.

I lay back down on my bed and hid my tear stained face in my white, but mascara stained, pillow. Ever since I was diagnosed with cancer, months and months ago, my pillow has been stained by mascara to a point that even the washing machine couldn't get the worst of it out. I have been in and out of hospital a lot recently, it's going to happen soon. They can't say exactly, but soon I will not be anymore, I will cease to exist. The next funeral for my parents, friends, all my family will be mine. I know that, I'd be lying if I told you I wasn't scared, but not for me. I was scared for my parents, if I died, being their only child, it would tear them up. I have told them time, and time again not to mourn me for to long, to get on with their lives. I don't think they will but I'm trying. I want them to be happy, so happy.

I rolled over in my bed and stared out of the window, at the great wide open world I could hear children playing in the distance. "Why me?" I whispered "w-wh-why me?" I started to cry. The nurse, Annie, started to walk over to me. "g-g-go" I whispered to her. She hesitated, gave me a sympathetic smile and walked over to the door. She looked back at me but I just looked down, away from her sympathetic stare, she nodded at me then walked out of the door. I didn't need her sympathy, she worked here, so many people died of cancer, to her it was just one of those things… No, that was wrong. I shouldn't think like that, she was a nice woman who was here to help not to judge or to give out false sympathy. Her sympathy was genuine, and I could see that now and I appreciated it. She was just trying to be kind.

I looked, once more, out the window and saw a kestrel sitting on the window sill of my room, gazing at me. I was about to scream when the bird let out a low soothing sound, it's almost as if it was shushing me. I closed my mouth and walked over to the window sill, it was more of an impulse than anything but, I thought, as I am destined to die young then why not make the most of life. I had never seen a kestrel up close, only in captivity, and looking at the bird at that moment, it really made me realize what beautiful creatures they were. I was so mesmerized by the beauty of the bird that I wasn't even thinking. I walked towards the bird and it didn't flinch I stopped about a meter away from the bird and waited for some kind of sign, something to say it was okay to come closer. Just then, the bird nodded, my eyes widened in shock. Then, impulse took me again I walked towards the bird and then stretched my hand out and stroked him. The bird let me stroke him. He put his head down and let me scratch his neck. I smiled and ruffled the feathers on his neck and laughed. Then the bird took flight, he flew upwards almost vertically then, at full speed, he plummeted towards the ground from an incredible height. It looked like he wasn't going to stop but at the last second he pulled up and flew slowly back up to the window sill then blinked at me and shook his head. I knew what he was saying, birds were clever animals. I smiled wearily at the bird then shook my head, a tear rolled down my face. I walked away from the bird and sat on my bed. I went in the draw and got my diary out, I ripped a few pages out of it and started to write. I lay down in my bed and closed my eyes, for what I knew would be the last time.