This is the most random humor thing ever, inspired last year by my friend Becca, and set in a timeline in which Bleach ended at chapter 352 and the Espada won. Enjoy. Also, I know I haven't updated anything in forever . This was written last year and I just found it in an old notebook. It did not take away from writing time on things I should actually be working on.

Summary: Grimmjow is curious about a certain detail of Ulquiorra's regeneration. One-shot, not really a pairing.

Warning: This is beyond weird and stupid. Like, wayyyyy beyond weird and stupid. And Grimmy's in it. So there's language.

Details

"Hey, Ulquiorra, can I ask you something?" asked Grimmjow, as the two arrancar lounged outside.

Ulquiorra looked at his erstwhile rival suspiciously.

"Fine. What?"

"You regenerate, right?"

"Yes. You know that."

"Yeah, I do. But that berry-head—"

"I killed him, Grimmjow." Ulquiorra frowned, unsure of where this was going and whether he would like it.

"Yeah, I know that too, Ulquiorra, quit rubbing it in my fucking face, dammit. But he took out your lower half first though, right?"

"Yes…" Ulquiorra growled. "I regenerated, Grimmjow, as you may have noticed."

"Yeah, yeah, I see you. Haven't seen all of you."

"My, my, Grimmjow, I didn't realize you felt that way." Ulquiorra's voice and facial expression never changed.

"Don't twist my words, dammit!"

Ulquiorra rolled his eyes.

"What are you asking then, Grimmjow?"

Grimmjow was starting to question the wisdom of continuing with this particular inquiry, but he forged ahead nonetheless.

"Those…uh…vital organs you can't grow back…"

"Viscera. Internal organs without which life is impossible."

"Yeah, that. Does that include…like…junk? Because most guys consider that pretty important."

Ulquiorra wasn't quite sure what to make of this. On the one hand, he wanted to beat Grimmjow senseless just for asking, but on the other, he was just a tad amused.

"No, Grimmjow, 'junk', as you so eloquently put it, is not part of that classification, as it is technically possibly to survive without it."

"No man but you would ever say that," Grimmjow muttered.

"No man but me, incidentally, can make it grow back, which may have something to do with my answer."

"I hate you. So, like…can you make it bigger?"

Ulquiorra sighed irritably.

"My regeneration is somewhat like that human woman's abilities. My body returns to its original undamaged state with no signal or control from me. I cannot alter my body. In other words, Grimmjow, no I cannot."

"So—"

"Grimmjow, if you don't shut up, I will be forced to kill you."

"I bet a lot more arrancar would keep the regeneration option if they knew you could regenerate your dick."

Ulquiorra pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed, trying to ward off a headache. Grimmjow made those. A lot.

"Exactly how often does this issue come up?"

"More often than you think. Especially with Nnoitra; he got kicked in the nads by Halibel; swore they were permanently squashed."

Ulquiorra remembered vaguely a period of about three weeks wherein Nnoitra had not left his room and Halibel had been particularly pleased with herself.

"He died with a wounded ego and crushed balls," said Grimmjow, laughing.

Ulquiorra bit his lip to stifle some amused sound never to escape.

"Yeah, looks like only you could hit on Hally and live," laughed Grimmjow. "I'm not putting my nuts on the line."

Ulquiorra struggled to maintain his composure, fighting back a laugh. Only Grimmjow could do this to him—sometimes he hated the Sexta for how much influence he had over Ulquiorra's mood.

"And Szayel had to be a eunuch; I never met any guy who sounded like him and wasn't. Not to mention old man Barragan—"

"Grimmjow, he can and will kill you," interrupted Ulquiorra, regretting it as some of his amusement slipped into his tone.

Grimmjow continued to snicker for a few minutes.

"Are you truly a twelve-year-old boy, Grimmjow?" Ulquiorra finally asked, reserve firmly back in place.

"Regenerating junk," Grimmjow gasped, shaking with mirth.

Ulquiorra rolled his eyes and stalked away.

End

I told you it was weird and stupid. Also it was alternate timeline, made no sense and was 99 percent dialogue. Sue me XP

Review please and you shall have virtual cookies of doom and joy.