It's been quite awhile for Killian since his change from the dark to the light. But through all that, there are still the tempting calls of him to get his revenge against the Crocodile. No matter how much Emma is there to guide him, he can still hear the cries of pain and revenge inside of him. And it hurts a whole lot more than it should, but given that he spent three centuries practically dying to get his hook and hand onto this rotten old monster, can you blame him that darkness that lingers around in his soul? Supposedly, you can still blame him in many ways, but Emma Swan has been his light since the beginning, and he's been trying to change his ways.
For her, and for himself.
And one night, the frosty chill blowing through the dampness of the town, the Dark One practically defeated and hiding out, Killian goes to search for him. Little does he know he'll actually locate him by the town docks, limp and weak and defeated once and for all.
So, he trudges down the sidewalk until he sees the figure standing there in the mere darkness, his suit thrown off, standing there idly as he stares out into the open sea encircling the small, quaint town of Storybrooke. The urge of revenge wells up inside of Killian the more he approaches him, and before he knows it, he's pacing faster and faster until he stands a relatively close distance to the Crocodile. The man doesn't turn around to face him, even if he is aware of the pirate's presence.
First, it starts off with a hollow, bitter taste of possible victory in his bones. To finally claim what he's been so desperately chasing after for 300 bloody hell-bent years of dissatisfaction and loneliness. However, next comes the growing good side of him, telling him to not do what he's being told from his dark side.
("So, you can join us and be a part of something, or you can do what you can do best, and be alone.")
(And when he escapes out with the Jolly Roger, the second he sets foot upon that ship and starts to sail away from Storybrooke, he feels as if he is making a grave mistake. And though he doesn't want to admit it, he knows very well about why he's turning this ship back.)
("I thought you didn't care about anyone but yourself," she says quite bitterly, questioning his motives. "Maybe I just needed reminding that I could," he responds honestly, holding the bean out for her to talk out of his hand.)
If he had to make that choice over again, a hundred times, a thousand, he would make the same decision. Turn back and help them, regardless of the situation he's put in. If he hadn't returned back to help Emma and the others, he would not be standing here in Storybrooke, with a… somewhat quiet life now. The Dark One has threatened enough, the Queens of Darkness are defeated, and all that remains is to kill Rumplestiltskin- which Killian will gladly do.
But no matter how hard he tries to take that step forward, to jab him with the damn hook that still remains a part of him, he can't- he just can't. He's struggling to fight the conflicting emotions inside of him. Kill the bloody bastard for putting me through seven hells for three hundred years, one says; don't do it, look at how far you've come and changed, the other one remarks. Killian squeezes his eyes shut quite forcefully, clenching his jaw and swallowing, hoping it's enough to have him make a final decision. Alas, he's unable to fall forward and cast his revenge.
Emma's home and safe, he reminds himself, I can end this right now and he'll never be able to hurt them again. But that's not much of a valid reason to murder the wretched being in front of him, because in the end, it's still going to be for a selfish reason. Pirate, he regards himself, his hand clenching into a fist, the pain becoming more abundant the more he tightens his hand. He huffs out a quiet breath, the air turning into a frosty white before fading away.
Glancing down at his hook, it can narrate such an elaborate story by now. He made me like this, broke me down into a man no less than a villain, he protests in his mind, he's ruined far too many innocent lives to still remain alive in this realm, or any realm. The charging war going on in his head starts to become a lot more detailed than expected, as he stands as the cold breeze nips at his skin, his ears turning frozen and red, his cheeks flushing red complementing along. And this choice, as before, should be as easy as ever, to just turn and walk away, have the man suffer in his own pain and sorrow. But something's keeping him to wait idly, to see if he'll ever turn to taunt Killian. The Crocodile's been standing vulnerably for a good ten minutes now, he reckons, lifting his gaze up to him.
"So, Captain, I've been waiting for you to make a move, but you've been quite silent back there," Gold says, turning around. He's quite battered and bruised, that's for sure. "What's exactly keeping you from making me absolutely perish off this world?"
Killian gulps, his mouth partially open as he then purses his lips together to form his response. He sighs, shaking his head. "Many things contribute, Crocodile," Killian spits out, "not that I don't want to jab you right now, that you should very well know I would love to have that privilege," he confesses, pointing the hook at his face. They keep their distance intact though. No advancing.
"That's it, dearie? Giving up on centuries of your dedicated hard work?" Gold mocks, wincing at whatever injury he feels pain from. "You've gone soft, pirate."
"Perhaps you can say I've changed unlike you," Killian retorts, moving his hand and hook about seamlessly. "Though I wouldn't consider myself a hero to any extent of course." He narrows his eyes at the man across from him. "If I were to kill you, it'd be difficult to get away with anyways. Let's say I'm saving myself the trouble."
"Oooh, that's not the only reason holding you back though, is it now?"
It's quite obvious how he's taunting him, making him admit his feelings and his contradictory beliefs inside of him. Plus given the publicity of how much he and Emma is together now, it shouldn't really surprise anyone how Killian will always choose her and her family over any other woman or doubt that crosses him and his mind.
Killian chuckles, shaking his head. "No, I don't suppose those are the only reasons," he says quietly, the cold breeze bringing his words alive. "And I also don't suppose you'll ever understand these words that I'm close to saying."
Gold squints his eyes, taking two steps forward. "And what's that, dearie? Why don't you kill me, get that revenge you've been wanting for dreadful years?"
"I love her more than I hate you," he enunciates each word quite clearly, with a little bit of force. "No matter how hard you play a game against me, a pirate knows how to win in the end." For the slightest moment, he can see the shock and pain flash across the old man's face, but it's quickly replaced by anger. "You may have ruined my life, made me suffer for centuries, but for that I am forever grateful I have found the one who's made me reevaluate who I am, and who I can be. So, thank you very much, Crocodile, for leading me straight to the woman who's captured my heart. Oh, and just so you know, Belle is faring quite well without you now."
"Killian!"
Familiarity spikes through him as he turns to see Emma running toward him with David and Henry. Fantastic timing, he mutters in his own brain, his lips curving up into a smile at the sight he sees approaching him.
Emma pants, glancing between the two men standing in front of her. "You- I thought you'd gone missing for some reason. Why are you here?"
Killian turns back to Gold who's standing there who seems oblivious and deadly afraid of his punishment now that he's… sort of caught thanks to Killian. "Had a bit of small matters to discuss with the Dark One, love. No worries," he assures them.
"You didn't attack him, did you?" David asks, his hand reaching for his gun.
"No." His voice is stern and serious, shaking his head. "No, I didn't." He shrugs, but says, "However, I'll be honest with everyone. I wanted to very much take my long awaited revenge against the man who had set me through pain," he explains, "but, if he hadn't-"
"You would have never met me," Emma finishes off his sentence. "If you were never on that path of revenge, you being full of hatred for him, you'd have never ended up working with Cora. You would have never got to know me as we climbed a beanstalk. You would have never assisted me and everyone else get Henry back. You would have never had me at all if you hadn't gotten involved in this entire monstrosity of a neverending crisis."
He grins, giving her a curt nod. "You know me well, darling."
"Yeah... Well Dad, mind getting Gold locked up? Killian, Henry, let's head back to Granny's for a bit."
"Actually, I think I'm going to go talk to my other mom. She said she wanted to speak to me after we'd find Killian," Henry explains, running to hug Emma. "I love you. I'll see you tomorrow morning?"
"Okay then, love you too, and yeah, tomorrow morning," she responds, though Killian can see right through that she's highly doubting that Henry's telling the truth.
He finds himself wondering if the lad is just trying to give them some time alone. It's not the first time.
While they walk, he lets his hand brush against hers until he interlaces their fingers together, smiling at her when she glances over at him with a curious look. Back at Granny's, well technically back at Killian's room in Granny's, they're laying on the bed, both of them quite silent without a word to utter. Well, he figures he's not the one who has anything to really say, but there's something Emma wants to say, but just doesn't seem like she knows how to say it.
"Out with it, Swan, you're worrying me," he finally says, breaking the silence between them.
"It's nothing really. I mean, I was the one worrying when I checked Granny's to find you not there. I thought you'd be in your room, but you weren't, and then I started wondering about what could happen. I told David, he said we'll find you, and the first place I thought of was the docks. When I saw you, just standing there, talking to Gold, I thought you were going to do something stupid, like anger him, because for once, I'd like to not lose you to some villain's hands. The thought of it was scary, Killian. He once had your heart, he once killed your previous lover, I didn't know whether or not you and him were going to have some sort of… I don't know… skirmish?
"But then I knew that you weren't going to kill him. I had faith, I trusted that you knew what you were doing. And as you know, I'm a walking lie-detector, so thank you for telling the truth back there. But the thing is, I'm wondering what you two were talking about. So, mind telling me what happened between the both of you back there?"
He sighs, licking his lips. "Would be my pleasure to enlighten your needs, love." Killian sucks in a breath. "I didn't know what I was doing there besides the fact I had known I wanted to murder him in cold blood. Nevertheless, it's evident that I'd had my own doubts about the entire thing. Did I want him dead? Aye. Could I do it though? No, I could not. I'll spare you the little details, but he had asked why I couldn't do it, why I didn't act and kill him then and there.
"And, if there's one thing I want you to know from this little conversation I had with Gold, it's something quite simple really, and I think it'll be enough to put this explanation to an end. To be precise… I love you more than I hate him. I wouldn't want to risk anything I had, and have with you, just because of some selfish desire to kill the man who set me up on a difficult path. A path which led me to you."
By the time he's done his speech, his mouth grows dry, but he looks over at Emma, and the endearment in her eyes, the possible vulnerability which he becomes a part of makes him smile. He presses his lips to her temple, lingering there for a couple of moments. "So, am I lying, love?" he teases as he tucks a strand of hair behind her ears.
"No, you're not," she whispers her response, wrapping her arms around his torso. "You gave up your ship for me. Now you've given up your revenge too. Man, I'm going to need a lot of time to just take everything in," she mutters, pressing her face to his shoulder. "Thank you for being you."
"I'm telling you, Emma, my revenge and ship was never worth it. But, you, you're worth it, and always will be, darling."