Warnings:
- This is an icky het story written by a yaoi fan. I know, your mind, it boggles. Anyway, the boy love is that way and it's called School Daze. Enjoy.
- If you are severely behind on the manga/anime, this story will contain some spoilers. Just to be safe, only read if you are reasonably up-to-date.
"Diplomacy is the art of letting someone have your way." – Daniele Vare
"Good evening, Yamanaka Ino. I trust you had a good journey?"
Ino stared at the as-yet-nameless Sunagakure guard before her and resisted the incredibly strong urge to throttle him until he went blue.
"There is sand," she offered by way of reply, "In my hair."
She watched with some satisfaction as his Diplomatic Welcoming Expression wavered. He bit his lip, obviously unsure as to how one was supposed to reply to this kind of remark and lowered his saluting arm to his side.
The mouth of the guard beside him formed a silent syllable that threatened to become the words "I'd noticed" before he changed tack, which was good because it meant Ino didn't have to add fresh blood to the list of substances she was covered in.
"I'm sure there will be an excellent bathing facility at your accommodation," he said after a pause for thought, "If you'd follow me?"
Ino stood before the small gathering of guards that was her welcome committee, tugging at the knots in her bedraggled hair, and considered her options. On the one hand, Shikamaru had told her to wait for him at the gate so he could run her through some important business before she unpacked. On the other hand, there was sand in her hair and – she shifted uncomfortably on her toes – in other places.
She brushed off some of the sand still sticking to her skirt and smiled sweetly at the guard. "Of course. Lead the way."
Another – more junior - guard, who had so far been more preoccupied with examining the length of her skirt, now piped up, saluting awkwardly before he spoke. "Ah, but Yamanaka-san, Nara-sama said you were to wait for him here because…" he paused, blinked, tore his astonished gaze away from her navel again and continued fruitlessly, "um… because."
Eh? Nara-sama? And why am I only Yamanaka-san, goddamnit? Am I not important enough?
Ino pushed this annoyance to the side, however, with the expert ease of a high-class kunoichi and giggled at the guard, batting her eyelashes ever so slightly. "Oh, really. Call me Ino-chan," she said, simpering and tucking one dirty strand of hair behind her ear.
He blinked in confusion, nodding dutifully, and Ino sighed. He'd be melting into submission right now, she was sure, if only she wasn't so tired and sandy and… gritty in places she shouldn't be.
"I think," she said finally, tugging gently at the fishnet material covering her elbows in an attempt to shake out the sand grazing against her skin, "That, whatever Shikamaru plans to show me, he can show me tomorrow."
With that, she walked off at a slow - but decisive - pace so that one of the guards could easily catch up and show her what she was supposed to be striding slowly and decisively towards. Out of the corner of her eye she could see the guard who had greeted her hesitate and share a glance with his colleagues, before shrugging in a "Why not?" gesture and jogging after her.
"Left here… Ino-chan?" he said - his face poised between utter respect and incredulous surprise.
"Yamanaka-sama," she snapped curtly, already annoyed at herself and stormed – gracefully – away, the guard trailing behind her.
They progressed like this for some time. The guard tried to yell directions at her from several yards away in the most diplomatic manner possible and Ino attempted to follow these directions while still giving the outward impression of ignoring him entirely. It was annoying but necessary – she had to earn respect somehow and flirting obviously didn't work – but it at least gave her an opportunity to survey what would be her home for the next few months.
So far, she had concluded that Sunagakure was into sand in a big way and that, therefore, her hair-care regime was about to get very tricky. Girls here had to have some way around it, she supposed, and she resolved to ask Temari. Well, assuming Temari had a hair-care regime.
Ino considered the idea of a girl without a regime of any kind – even Tenten owned some products and Forehead-chan blow-dried regularly – before deciding it was impossible and against nature.
"Ino," she heard a familiar voice sigh behind her. She had never quite understood where Shikamaru had picked up the ability to sigh words but it was certainly starting to grate on her nerves.
She pirouetted neatly to face him and smirked when she saw Temari standing nearby, one hand resting on her cocked hip. Ah, young love.
"Shikamaru," she said, "Temari-san." She took a moment to examine Temari's hair as the other woman nodded in response. She was definitely doing something to it. It was far too clean and free of sand to be natural in this environment.
At this point, the guard who had been directing her – or at least attempting to – jogged into earshot and saluted both Shikamaru and Temari. "Yamanaka-sama asked to be led to her accommodation, Nara-sama, so that she could… shower."
Shikamaru nodded slightly at the guard and dismissed him, leaving Ino to scowl at his retreating back. Honestly, he didn't have to make it sound so frivolous.
"So, you decided not to wait for me, then?" he said, the ghost of a wry smile flickering across his lips. His shoulders were slouched forward and his hands stuffed into the pockets of his uniform in a shocking display of informality, especially considering he was escorting the Kazekage's sister.
Ino didn't know how Temari could stand it.
"I figured nothing you needed to show me could be that urgent," she said, readjusting her hair clip and shaking out her ponytail in a futile attempt to dislodge the coating of sand that was caking it. Temari raised her eyebrow at the action.
"Did you put in hair product this morning?" the other woman said, eyebrow still arching up towards her hairline.
Ino tilted her head. What kind of question was that?
"Of course she did. This is Ino," Shikamaru said, laughing and rubbing at his temples like he always did when he believed she was being utterly ridiculous. Ino scowled at him and opened her mouth to speak.
"It's generally a bad idea," Temari said before she could tell her team mate how much of an ass he was being, "The sand and bugs stick to it."
What Ino meant to do, on hearing this veritable pearl of desert wisdom, was laugh it off, say something charming and smile at Temari – so as to build a diplomatic rapport with the Kazekage's sister and Shikamaru's, for want of a better word, sugar mamma.
What she actually did was shriek, say something unintelligible but vaguely akin to "bugs are disgusting" and claw at her hair like she was trying to remove it – which served only to amuse Temari and wake up a large number of civilians in nearby houses.
"I'm beginning to think I should have asked Chouji," Shikamaru drawled, as Ino raked her fingers through her tangled hair and squawked inelegantly.
A good minute or so later, when Ino was satisfied that any bugs in her hair had fallen out or – as Shikamaru put it – "jumped to their deaths' to escape the screaming", she asked to be taken to her accommodation so she could shower. She also wanted to curl up under her bed in the foetal position and pretend she was anywhere but here - but didn't think this was something Shikamaru and Temari would appreciate knowing and so kept those plans to herself.
"But if I don't show you how things work tonight, I'll have to wake up early and do it tomorrow morning," Shikamaru whined, tilting his head back and sagging at the knees.
"Look Shika, I am going to strip," Ino said, enunciating the words carefully and ignoring Temari's sudden bout of inexplicable smirking, "And then I am going to douse myself in cold water. Whether I do that in my nice, sheltered accommodation or out on the streets with a bloody hose-pipe is entirely up to you."
"Personally, I vote for the latter option."
Ino froze. Temari smirked wider.
Oh, God.
"The Kazekage's brother is behind me, isn't he?" Ino asked, trying to think of a way to rip Temari's smirk off her face without starting a war.
Shikamaru's head tilted forwards and he straightened up at the knees. "Evening, Kankuro-san. Evening, Kazekage-sama."
Oh, God.
"If Shikamaru doesn't want to show you around, I could always do it," Kankuro said, seemingly unperturbed by the recent threat of public nudity. Ino whirled round, hands held up in front of her, and smiled awkwardly at him.
"Aha, no. That's not at all necessary, Kankuro-san. Shikamaru's just being lazy and you're probably very busy and-"
"He can have the day off," the Kazekage said, voice almost entirely monotonous.
If Kankuro had seemed unfazed by Ino's outburst, the Kazekage seemed like he'd slept through it. Ino wondered what was so thoroughly different about Shukaku that it could leave you stone cold and poker-faced when, from what she had shakily concluded, having the Nine-Tails sealed inside him had only made Naruto more… expressive.
Because she refused to believe Naruto was born as hyperactive as that. It just wasn't natural.
Ino put aside wrestling with this interesting question for another day and tried desperately to make sure she didn't have to spend tomorrow morning with a man whose first encounter of her had begun with her threatening to take her clothes off in a public place.
But, before she could think of anything, Temari butt in, voice annoyingly cheerful. "That's a good idea. That way Kankuro can have the whole day to show you the ropes."
I hate you. I hate you and your stupid smirk.
"Oh, Temari-san, I'm sure I won't need a whole day to get a hang of the system. It'll only take Shikamaru a little while to run me through it. Won't it, Shika?"
And I hate your stupid, sandy-coloured, non-sandy hair.
"But of course, Ino-san. After he's explained the way things work around here, maybe Kankuro could show you around the city. You'll be spending quite a few months here, after all."
And I hate your stupid eyebrows and the way you raise them at me.
"That's a kind offer, Temari-san, but I wouldn't want to take up all of Kankuro's precious free time like that. He must have many things he'd rather be doing."
And I hate your voice. You have a really stupid, stupid voice.
"Actually, I don't."
And I hate your goddamn, stupid brother and his lack of pressing social engagements.
"Well, that appears to be settled, then," Shikamaru said, stretching one arm out in front of him and trying to pretend his team mate hadn't just been doomed to a day of absolute, torturous mortification at the hands of a man wearing more make-up than she was.
More make-up than she was. It was so unnatural she could cry.
The Kazekage nodded, seeming pleased – or as close as he could get to pleased – at the way the situation had worked out. He left with his brother and sister trailing behind, Temari turning round as she left to blow Shikamaru a furtive kiss.
He mimed catching it with one hand and Ino narrowly avoided projectile vomiting all over her surroundings. Disgusting.
"We'll be off, then," Kankuro called over his shoulder, an amused and annoying Temari-like smirk on his painted face, "Unless you really do plan to shower out here, Ino-san, in which case I'd like to watch."
Temari had the decency to whack him over the head but Ino still found herself dying a little on the inside. She was going to spend the next three months working under – and by God, that phrase was suddenly far too suggestive for her – a man who wanted to see her naked.
Normally, she would have considered this a great thing. Normally, however, men did not wear make-up.
Purple make-up.
And cat ears.
"I hate my life."
Akihiko may have been one the most junior guards but, in his opinion, he was still reasonably experienced. He was thirty-one and figured he'd already seen most of the weird things he was going to see in his life.
He now realised that assumption had been quite wrong.
"Sh-she wore a miniskirt," he said finally, "In the desert."
The captain of the guard took another drag of his cigarette and nodded sagely. "With a midriff-baring top to boot. She's going to be awful raw tomorrow."
He seemed to be unreasonably calm about the whole thing.
A more junior guard snickered behind his hand and, on the insistence of his colleagues, spat out whatever was bothering him. "She seemed to like you quite a lot, Sir. You know," he cocked his hip to the side, batting his eyelashes in a rough imitation of what the kunoichi had done, "Call me, Ino-cha~n!"
The captain, who was still unbelievably Zen on the matter, ignored this blatant display of insubordination and took another long drag.
"Possibly she was, for want of a better word, flirting in that manner," he said, as Akihiko flushed and the guards around him tried to contain their laughter, "Because she believed you were interested in her and therefore a prime target."
Almost half the guards burst out laughing at this nugget of information and the other half appeared to be slowly haemorrhaging with the effort of holding it in.
The captain continued. "After all, you were looking at her skirt quite a lot."
With that, they lost another fifth of the guards to giggle-fits and Akihiko's flush deepened to an attractive maroon shade. "N-n-no, well, I wasn't- that is to say- I don't- she's a very young, much too young- I was just- skirt, very short- surprised. I was just surprised… at how short her skirt was."
The sound of laughter echoed all around him and Akihiko sighed. It was going to be a long day.
The captain took yet another puff and stamped out his cigarette, his mouth barely twitching in the slightest hint of an amused smile.
The bastard.
So, I haven't updated School Daze in ages and my answer to this issue is to... start something new and shiny! Yay procrastination! Still, school holidays have started now, so I'll be in a much better position to update my stories.
Anyway, please review and tell me what you think. I love hearing from people; it really makes my day. :)