Hey guys, thanks for waiting the two days so patiently, haha. Anyways, the interview thing's done, I hope you enjoy it. Please review, I do love feedback. And check out my other new one-shot, 'Payback'.
Just so we're clear, this is slightly based on 'Feeling Faithless' and its sequel, 'This Is Hell', so if you're reading this without reading those, you might not get some of it, but otherwise it's pretty straightforward, so read them, don't read them, just as long as you review if you do.
Anyways, my thanks to KittySquyres, ToryV, Just Me, and Tweak for asking questions and making this interview possible!
I'm considering continuing this, so if you want more, go ahead and tell me so and then ask them a question!
Enjoy and review.
An Interview With The Vampire Slayers
(Theme song)
Me: Hey guys! I'm here with our two very own Chosen Slayers! How about you introduce yourselves?
F: Why? They all know who I am.
(Buffy smacks Faith)
F: Ow! What the hell was that for?
(Buffy smiles brightly and waves)
B: Hey! I'm Buffy the Vampire Slayer. It's so great to be here!
(B glares at F)
F: Oh, right. Um. I'm Faith.
Me: Fantastic! Alright, so Buffy, Faith, we have a handful of questions here from our readers who want to know more about you.
B: Do we get to pick and choose?
Me: Well I'm going to just pull random ones out of the review section, and you are both allowed to answer it however you want. Some are directed at one of you, and others are directed at both.
F: Sweet.
Me: Alright then! Let's get started. The first question is from...
(drum roll)
Me: KittySquyres! Alright, Buffy, this one's for you. She asks:
"Buffy, what the heck were you thinking with James? I mean seriously. James vs. Faith. Faith so totally wins!"
(F nods approvingly)
F: Girl's smart. Good question.
(B looks a mixture of nervous and pouty)
B: Well, simply put, it was a mistake. I was doing a Riley and trying to live on a normal lifestyle.
(W calls out from backstage)
W: Um, Buffy? That wasn't a Riley. That was a Parker with a cling.
(F turns her head to glare at B)
F: Who the fuck's Parker?!
(B shoots W a glare and turns to smile sweetly at F)
(W ducks her head back in time for S to pop his head out)
S: A bloody mortal one-night stand, if you can believe it.
(F's eyebrows shoot up)
F: Say fucking what?!
B: That...was a mistake, too.
F: Oh sure, you get to make mistakes and all is forgiven. But I make one teeny tiny screw up...
(F continues to grumble, B pats her hand)
Me: Okay, so that question was...thoroughly answered. Now Faith, KittySquyres also has a couple questions for you, too. She asks:
"Girl, you got it bad. I can understand why you love Buffy, but at the same time, I have to ask, WHY on earth would you put up with all of that crap for so long? I also have to ask: Can I borrow your leathers?"
B: HEY! I don't like that question.
F: Well, gotta please the fans, B.
(B pouts and crosses her arms)
B: It hints that you should leave me!
F: It also hints that she understands why I love ya, so shush and let me answer the question.
(Pause)
F: I guess the reasons all vary. If you want it in really short words, I just love B. Can't stop, even through all the shit. But to get deeper into it, well, I've done a lot of shit, you know? I've put B and all the Scoobs through a lot of pain and heartache, so there's always gonna be a part of me that says if they could hack it and still care for me now, then so can I. So they throw me shit, I'll deal. I'll be wicked pissed and be a bitch about it, but doesn't change that I'll love'm the same.
Audience: Awww!
(B gives F a kiss)
F: Oh, and about the leathers. Dawn's already got dibs on them, and I think Ken was after her. You'll have to sign the waiting list.
(F winks)
(B calls out to rustling backstage)
B: Dawn! You are not borrowing Faith's leathers!
D: But Buffy!
B: No! You are much too young-
D: I'm 23 years old!
B: Exactly my point.
F: Don't worry, Squirt. We'll figure something out.
D: Okay! Thanks, Faith!
(D disappears quickly before B can glare)
Me: Fabulous! KittySquyres, thank you for your questions! Next we have...
(drum roll)
Me: ToryV! Buffy, your question is:
"Have you ever tried to get Faith to wear a dress and/or something wicked girly in general?"
(Snickers from behind the curtains)
(B smirks)
(F pales)
B: Well...
F: THAT! Is...privileged information! Privileged and private! And...personal! The three...P's of...Personally Private Privileges...es...
(Everyone stares at F)
K: Stop there before you have another seizure.
B: Anyways, to answer your question, there was this one night when Faith was incredibly drunk and-
(F clamps her hand over B's mouth)
F: And-and...we had lots of hot steamy lesi-sex! End of story, next!
(B pulls away)
B: That didn't even answer the question!
F: You answer that question, and I'm holding out. For a week.
B: And I was a little tipsy, cause we just got home from a night at our favorite club, and-
F: Two weeks.
(B pauses and thinks for a moment)
B: So she was all stumbly and so was I, and then she was all, "B, let's fu-
F: One whole month.
(B gapes)
(So does everybody else)
B: You wouldn't.
F: Is that a bet?
B: You couldn't make it that far without jumping my bones.
F: So it's a bet.
(F waves a hand around towards the audience before crossing her arms confidently)
F: Go ahead, B. Tell'm. You just won't get any for a whole, thirty one, days.
(B looks very uncertain)
B: W-well...so you s-see...there was that night and...and...
X: C'mon, Buff! Get to the good stuff!
(There is a loud, resonating slap sound)
X: OW!
B: Okay fine! I won't tell!
(B huffs and pouts)
(F grins triumphantly)
Me: Alright, then. The questions for Faith from ToryV are:
"If you ever get the chance, would you like to have a nice 'talk' with Jamesy-boy? And are you going to force Buffy to watch the Yank-Sox game on Thursday, or are you going to wuss out and TiVo it?"
B: How come they ask you more than one question?
F: Cause they like me better, B. It's a charisma thing.
C: As in Carpenter? Cause that's one hot fox!
F: You only think so cause you look like her, Cor.
(C scoffs while buffing her nails)
C: No, she looks like me. Lucky girl.
F: Anyways, I don't feel the need to talk to him anymore. Or 'talk' to him. I think my three amigos took care of it for me.
B: Three muchachos, more like.
F: What's the difference?
B: No idea, it just sounds more masculine.
(C waves her file in the air, looking indignant)
C: Um, excuse me, lacking the masculinity over here!
AY: So is James. Now, that is.
(K snorts)
(Everybody else's eyes widen)
(X cringes and crosses his legs tightly)
F: Okay...and as for the Sox game, not only are my and Buffy's asses glued to the couch, so is everybody else's.
AY: Which is completely to be blamed on Spike and Kennedy for not being able to hold their liquor.
S: Bloody Slayer's got a never-ending pit set aside just for alcohol.
AG: Yet you had centuries to develop your ability to tip it back.
(S snarls at AG)
S: I didn't see you joining in!
AG: I didn't see the point in getting drunk and losing to Faith. She'd have a field day.
(K grumbles)
K: Which she is having anyway.
C: On Thursday, when we all have to sit and be uncomfortable and wrinkle our very nice clothes and taint our hands and figures with all food that is greasy.
(F claps her hands)
F: It's gonna be great!
K: Yea, until your dumbass team loses.
(F jumps up from her seat and shakes her fist)
F: You say that to my face, Ken, I promise you won't have one afterwards!
(B gets her to sit down)
Me: Um...before we all get into a rumble, let's continue on, shall we? The next questions are from...
(drum roll)
Me: Just Me! Alrighty, so Just Me wants to know, from the both of you:
"What's your favorite TV show? What's the best thing about the other Slayer?"
Me: Who'd like to go first?
B: Let's keep up the routine and I'll go first.
Me: Okay, go right ahead!
B: Well, my favorite TV show? I used to watch the Looney Tunes, and the silly old shows on Disney. Then remember that show, Popular? On WB? I used to love that show! But it was canceled, for some unknown reason, and now, when I have the time, I watch that cute teen drama, South of Nowhere. It's so ridiculously sweet. The girl, Spencer-
F: Reminds you of you.
B: And Ashley-
F: Reminds you of me.
B: And Glen-
(Faith interrupts using quotation marks with her fingers)
F: Reminds you of Xan-man. 'With a little more asshole in his system.'
B: And Aiden-
F: Reminds you of Soulboy. 'With a little less brooding and more shirtless-ness.'
B: And Chelsea-
F: 'Sorta' reminds you of Red, if you 'switch out the art and magic, less babble, and completely different skin tones.'
B: And Arthur-
F: Reminds you of G-man 'without the British. And younger.'
B: And Kyla-
F: 'Completely' reminds you of Squirt cause she's 'irritating as all hell but still really cute and you gotta love her.'
B: And Paula-
F: 'Kinda looks like Anya, but Anya's too unique for the show. And Spike's definitely not in there, either.'
B: And Madison-
F: Reminds everyone of the 'old' Queen C.
C: Hey!
W: You were kind of a bitch.
X: That's an understatement.
B: But she's much better in the later seasons.
K: What about me?
B: You're like-
F: Carmen, because you're 'both attractive and bitchy at the same time.'
K: I'll take that as a compliment.
Me: Wow, Faith, do you watch the show, too?
(F brushes the comment away)
F: No, didn't you notice the quotation finger marks that I did there? Buffy just likes to repeat her comments to me over and over again whenever the fucking repeats are on and it drives me fucking crazy!
B: It's a good show!
F: It's a wussy show. The chicks don't even get it on!
B: Yes they do! There are moments of on-ness!
F: They kiss. Big whoop.
B: There's some horizontal! In that one episode when Spencer remembers Ashley and her first time having sex, she gets a flashback-
F: Of them, fully clothed, just looking at each other. For 5 seconds. Whoo, that's racy.
Me: Oh. So what do you watch?
F: Well I used to revolve my life around Batman. He was the bomb. Cartoon Network and Adult Swim were my favs for a long time, still are. But as for the dramas or whatever, I'm starting to get into that one show, The L Word? Now that's a hot show.
D: Totally!
(B gasps)
B: Dawn Summers!
D: What?
B: You shouldn't be watching that show! There's sex involved! And nudity!
F: Which kinda comes with the sex.
(D places her hands on her hips)
D: Buffy, I'm over 21 years old, I'm not that lacking in social life! I've had sex before!
B: What's his name? Where does he live? What's his social security number?
(I wave my hands frantically to quell the fight)
Me: Moving on! Yes, okay, so Buffy, if you would please answer the second question?
(B stops glaring at D)
B: Right. What was it again?
Me: Just Me asked:
"What's the best thing about the other Slayer?"
Me: Which in this case, means Faith.
B: Oh! This is a hard one...
Me: Why so?
(Before B or F can respond, K pipes up)
K: Cause there isn't a best thing.
(K laughs)
(F throws a stake at K's head)
K: Ow!
F: You deserved it. Punk.
(B cuts in to stop the quarrel before it happens)
B: It's hard because there are so many things I love about Faith, and I can't just pinpoint it on one thing. I can dish out a several, though.
Me: By all means, spit it out!
B: I love everything about her, but I especially love her eyes and the way we can speak to each other through one glance.
(They gaze at each other lovingly)
(K and D make gagging noises)
B: Her lips are so full and perfect, the way she squeezes my hand when she knows I'm nervous, the warmth I feel when she puts her arms around me, the way she just seems to complete me.
Audience: Awww!
(F smiles and gives B a passionate kiss)
Me: Wow, that was just beautiful, Buffy, thank you! Faith?
F: I don't know how I'm gonna beat that.
(F shuffles on her seat nervously)
F: Um...
(B takes her hand)
B: No competition, Faith. Just be honest.
(F lets out a breath)
F: The smell of her hair. That adorable pout. The whole understanding bit that we do with just small movements. The way her eyes change color when the light hits at certain angles. Everything about her is the best thing in the world.
(Awed silence)
F: And that thing she does with her tongue? That's pretty fucking great, too-
(B claps hand over F's mouth this time)
B: Okaaay. Next!
Me: Thank you, Faith, that was lovely. The next questions are from...
(drum roll)
Me: Tweak! So Tweak asks 3 questions to both of you. The first question is:
"If you HAD to change one thing about the other slayer, what would you change?"
B: The whole inability to act like a female thing sometimes needs to be tweaked, Tweak. Hey! Play on words!
F: Her fucking miserable taste in men.
S: Hey!
AG: I second that. Hey!
F: Sorry. I meant human men. Living, breathing, with a pulse...
S: Better.
B: What? I've got wonderful...
(B's voice trails off as everybody peeks out to glare at her)
(F scoffs)
F: Riley? Beefstick. James? Dickwad. And this Parker character just sounds like another asshole to me.
W: Let's not forget Scott Hope.
X: Sleazebag.
F: Yea, but I gave him fake genital herpes. It all evens out.
(S looks curious)
S: How the bloody hell did you manage that one?
F: Well-
Me: Okay! Next question! Tweak asks:
"On average, how many times daily do you two hear "Get a room!" from one of the Scoobies?"
(B and F look at each other)
B & F: Never.
Me: Really? That can't be true.
(F leans in conspiratorially and whispers to me)
F: It really is. Watch and listen.
(F kisses and gropes B)
(B moans loudly)
Everyone: GET A ROOM!
(They pull away, smiling)
F: See? It's never just one of them.
Me: Well that's a great response! Well then, last question of the evening is:
"What are your favorite bands?"
B: Spice Girls!
(Everyone stares and crickets can be heard)
B: And...um...Backstreet Boys?
(Crickets continue to chirp)
B: FIne. Britney Spears.
(F gets up quickly)
F: That's it. It's over!
B: What?!
F: Geez, I really know how to pick'em, don't I? Spice Girls? Backstreet Boys?
(Pause)
F: Britney Spears?!
K: It's Buffy. What did you expect? She practically thinks pop culture was invented in 1980.
B: I do not! I listen to the Beatles. And Madonna. Oh! And Michael Jackson.
K: Again, I repeat, Buffy thinks pop culture was invented when she was born.
(B huffs in indignance)
B: Well what do you listen to?
F: Depends on the mood. I listen to just about everything, except most country.
AY: Even that godawful rap that Xander sometimes listens to?
F: Yea, sometimes. Oh and not so much with the pop. Unless it's got a techno vibe.
W: Techno?
F: Good club music, Red. And I'm always game for that.
S: Well they do ask what your favorite bands are.
F: Tool. Tool's great.
AY: I think Xander's tool is great, too.
(Everyone is grossed out, and X flushes)
AG: I might throw up.
D: There's only one toilet per gender backstage.
S: I call it first, mate.
F: I'm gonna ignore everything that was just said there and go on. Um, like I said, Tool's great for the metal style. Rap, I dig Eminem, he tells it how it is, even if he can sound like a complete homophobic asshole sometimes. If I'm going for really mellow, I'll put on some Jack Johnson or Maria Mena. If I want punk, you gotta go with the classic Sex Pistols or the Dead Kennedys. Like I said, it all depends on the mood.
W: And techno?
F: You still stuck on that?
W: Well I don't know much about techno. Who do you listen to?
F: Go check out t.A.T.u. Watch their music vids. You'd love'm, Red.
W: Really? Why?
F: Two words. Russian. Lesbians.
(W runs off to find the nearest computer)
(X tries to follow, but gets a glower from AY)
X: But honey, I wanted to see-I mean hear the Russian lesbian music...and their videos!
B: They're not actually lesbians. Apparently it was a management contract-y thing.
F: Yet they still kiss and make out and get lesbians hot all around the world.
(X continues to whine)
K: Maybe I should go check on Willow.
F: Yea. She just might dump you and try to find a Russian lesbian to court.
(K runs off to find W)
C: Lesbians.
(C shakes her head and continues to fix her hair)
F: Don't knock it til you try it, C!
C: Fine. I'll wait until you dump Buffy.
F: Why?
C: Cause you're the only female I'd knock.
(C winks)
(F's eyes widen and her thoughts race)
(B panics)
B: WHAT? There'll be no dumping here! No sir! Not if I can help it!
(B points an accusing finger at C)
B: YOU!
C: Yes?
B: You stay away from my girlfriend!
C: She's my girl friend, too, albeit not with the two words put together.
(C smirks, she enjoys taunting B)
C: For now.
B: Argh!
(B and C get into a catfight)
(F gets even hotter just by watching them)
(So does X)
(AY continues to slap X)
(AG, S and D just watch in amusement)
(W and K are watching t.A.T.u. music videos somewhere in the distance)
Me: Well that concludes our interview today! You've been a fantastic audience! You can leave your questions and comments in the review box! Thank you and have a great night!
(Ending theme song)