A/N: I know I haven't updated my other fic Ouroboros and I apologize. I'm kind of in a rut with that story and I just don't know how to get out of it, except to start another story to at least get my creative juices flowing.:D
Saci, I know I promised you a Paddison fic which I'm still working on, but it just seems off, like my Ouroboros,so that's why I have refrained from posting. You have been totally awesome and supportive of my fic and you don't even ship ADDEK, so that's why I want to give you a kick ass Paddison story, so please bear with me.:D
Troatie, you totally rock my world. Thank you so much for 'Where I Wanted To Be' your new ADDEK fic, it is AWESOME and I love it.
Bohemiangirl, GoddessofYouth, McGorgeous, bleupastel, Abbeyannmd,Carolina1986, goldentail, hopelessromantic28, crazy-chica6, La Vi3 bOh 3M3, babywonder7, islandbabe831, bemymcsteamylvr, sheshep, xxxmitchy, nymaddy, k8addie28, heandsheshep, seriouslyaddison, kg99, theficklewriter, addekfanatic, frances, helly, karevsanantomy, skullflap, J-Grey, CitronPresse, renee79, krysten16, intoyoulikeatrain, addekfreak, alwaysda, and to everyone else I didn't mention thank you so much for hanging with me and encouraging me with your kind and wonderful reviews. I will most definitely be updating as soon as I can give you an AMAZING chapter, hopefully it won't take too long.:P
I wanted to base this story on some of my favorite songs at the moment, the overall name of this fic however is 'Maybe' because I feel that this song is very fitting. Each individual chapter will be named with different songs that fit what is unfolding in the chapter.
Maybe by Kelly Clarkson
I'm strong
But I break
I'm stubborn
And I make plenty of mistakes
Yeah I'm hard
And life with me is never easy
To figure out, to love
I'm jaded but oh so lovely
All you have to do is hold me
And you'll know and you'll see just how sweet it can be
If you'll trust me, love me, let me
Maybe, maybe
Someday
When we're at the same place
When we're on the same road
When it's okay to hold my hand
Without feeling lost
Without all the excuses
When it's just because you love me, you let me, you need me
Then maybe, maybe
All you have to do is hold me
And you'll know and you'll see just how sweet it can be
If you'll trust me, love me, let me
Maybe, maybe
I'm confusing as hell
I'm north and south
And I'll probably never have it all figured out
But what I know is I wasn't meant to walk this world without you
And I promise I'll try
Yeah I'm gonna try to give you every little part of me
Every single detail you missed with your eyes
Then maybe
Maybe, yeah maybe
One day
We'll meet again and you'll need me, you'll see me completely
Every little bit
Oh yeah maybe you'll love me, you'll love me then
I don't want to be tough
And I don't want to be proud
I don't need to be fixed and I certainly don't need to be found
I'm not lost
I need to be loved
I just need to be loved
I just want to be loved by you and I won't stop 'cause I believe
That maybe, yeah maybe
Maybe, yeah maybe
I should know better than to touch the fire twice
But I'm thinking maybe, yeah maybe you might
Maybe, love maybe
Summary: A/U This is my take on what should have happened after Addison's conversation with Meredith, and how those events will affect the lives of Addison and Derek and those around them.
ThanX go out to my AMAZING beta Agent Extremis who continues to read about a ship she completely dislikes.
Disclaimer: Deny Everything.:D
Where I Stood by Missy Higgins
I don't know what i've done
Or if i like what i've begun
But something told me to run
And honey you know me it's all or none
There were sounds in my head
Little voices whispering
That i should go and this should end
Oh and i found my self listening
Cause i don't know who i am, who i am without you
All i know is that i should
And i don't know if i could stand another hand upon you
All i know is that i should
Cause she will love you more then i could
She who dares to stand where i stood
'Maybe' by Agent Addek
'Where I Stood'
She walked out of Joe's, her adrenaline still pumping from her encounter with Meredith just a few minutes before. She stood by the sidewalk, taking in the Seattle night one last time before she went home.
Addison knew she shouldn't have said anything, because saying something would mean that she still cared, that it still hurt. Which of course it did still hurt and how could she not care after everything?...everything that happened and they're not even together anymore. 'Where is that cab?' she thought to herself as she looked around to see if the car was parked somewhere.
She started pacing back and forth on the sidewalk. All of the thoughts and feelings that she kept trying to stuff back in were threatening to bubble over. She couldn't go there, she came to Seattle for a surgery and what was happening here was no longer her concern right? But it is her concern because she walked away. She stopped fighting because she believed that she was letting him be happy with the supposed love of his life and now they aren't even together.
Addison took in a deep breath, massaged her temples for a bit and then kept pacing. Pacing and thinking and feeling. Feeling this ache in her heart and uneasiness in her stomach. What if she had stayed? What if she had kept fighting? Maybe she and Derek would still be together?
"Addie?"
She came to halt. Her heart began to beat rapidly and she felt like she had just been caught doing something she shouldn't be doing. She instinctively knew who it was, she'd recognize her husband's voice anywhere. 'Ex-husband', she reminded herself. Addison took another deep breath and turned around.
"Derek, hey." she said a bit awkwardly.
"Hey yourself. What are you doing out here alone?"
"I'm actually just waiting for my cab. I have to head back to my hotel, I have to pack and ahh..."
"Wait, you're leaving? So soon? But you just got here." he said with surprise.
"I only came here to perform surgery, and since both mother and child are doing fine, there isn't really a reason for me to stay longer. Besides, I have to get back home."
"Home?" Derek echoed a bit sadly. "It just sounds weird you know, that you have a home...a life that doesn't include me." he finished before he realized what he had said.
"What do you mean Derek? I haven't been here in almost a year and if I recall correctly, you were the one that wanted me as far away from your home as possible." Addison replied, a little peeved at his audacity.
"Addie I'm sorry. I didn't mean to come off... I.. I just expected you to be here longer, that's all. I haven't seen or spoken to you in so long, I just didn't realized how much...how much I umm..how much I missed you until I saw you earlier today."
Addison was quiet for a few moments. She was touched by Derek's sudden honesty.
"Derek, what's going on with you? What are you doing?"
He gazed into her eyes for a few moments, considering whether or not he should even say anything. When he saw her earlier today, it both shocked and warmed him. He wasn't lying when he said he had missed her. How could he not miss her?, she had been a part of his life for so long. Yes, he had been the one to tell her to leave Seattle and never come back. Back then he had still been hurting and he was in this roller coaster of a relationship with Meredith, but that didn't mean that he no longer cared for her, that he no longer loved her. If there was anyone that knew him better than himself, it was Addison. She always had the ability to read him so well.
"Honestly Add, I don't know what the hell I'm doing." he looked away from her. Sometimes her gazes could be so intense. She was about to say something when her cab pulled over and honked.
Addison turned to acknowledge the driver's presence, then turned back to Derek.
"I gotta get going Derek, but I know you, you'll figure it out. It was good seeing you." She leaned forward and hugged him, and then felt him encircle her waist tightly. She pulled away, smiled, and walked towards the cab. She needed to get out of this town fast.
"Addison?" he called out to her.
She froze, she knew instantly what he wanted, what he needed from her. To be honest, she didn't know if she could turn him down. Addison took a deep breath and slowly turned towards him. "Yeah?", she managed to say.
"Could we just talk before you leave? Could we just sit and talk? I feel like we haven't done that in a long time." he said with a bit of melancholy.
"That's because we haven't." she replied, almost in a whisper. "I have an early flight Derek, I really have to get my things together." she explained rapidly as she tried to get into the cab before she succombed to this losing battle.
"Addison please, I can come with you to your hotel and keep you company while you do that. I just really miss you, I miss my best friend. Please Addie?" he pleaded
She stared at him for a minute, trying to come up with a thousand reasons as to why this was such a bad idea. She could come up with none because she missed him too.
Derek could see the many emotions playing across Addison's face, he knew that she was debating the pros and cons. He smiled when he noticed the change in her demeanor, it was no longer standoffish. He saw her shoulders relax and a smile tugging at the side of her mouth, he knew the answer before she said it.
"Okay, come with me so that we can talk." he chuckled when she emphasized the word 'talk'.
He tried to reassure her. "That's all I want. Shall we?" he offered as he motioned for her to slide into the cab.
They were both silent in the cab ride as neither of them really knew what to say. Addison couldn't take the silence anymore so she broke it first. "So things haven't really changed at the hospital...I mean well Karev and the rest of them are now residents, except for George, so that's different but other than that, everything is the same. Everything is the same and I am thankfully living in LA and very zen." she babbled.
Derek couldn't help but smile. He knew Addison tended to ramble when she was nervous. He always found that quality in her so endearing and cute.
"Actually, I did find one more thing that was different."
"And what's that?" he asked with a curious grin.
"You're now dating a doe-eyed nurse." she said matter-of-factly.
"Doe-eyed?" he asked bemusedly.
"Well, she's very doey Derek." she responded, trying not to laugh.
"Doey." he replied with amusement.
"Her name shouldn't be Rose, it should be Bambi." she said in a high-pitched teasing voice.
"Bambi?!" he couldn't help it, he looked towards Addison and as soon as their eyes met they both burst into laughter. Addison was on the verge of tears and Derek held his hand to his stomach as it was becoming too painful to keep laughing.
"Oh my god, I can't, I can't, oh fuck." Addison said as she was trying to catch her breath. Derek was still on his side with his head on Addison's shoulder, laughing hysterically. They continued to laugh for a few more minutes but were brought out of their moment when they felt the car come to a complete stop.
Addison reached for her purse to pay the driver but Derek beat her to it.
"Here, let me."
"Thank you." she replied with a smile.
"No, thank you." he said as he stepped out the car and then helped her out. "I needed that." he said with an appreciative grin as they walked to the entrance.
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As they approached, Derek noticed that Addison headed towards the hotel's restaurant. "Hey Adds, I thought you were going to get your stuff together and I was gonna keep you company?"
"Yeah we were, but I really don't have much to put away and I am starving. I thought we could have dinner, and then after we part ways, I could get all that other stuff done."
Derek watched her for a moment. He knew what she was doing...she didn't want to be alone with him and he wasn't going to push her. He was grateful that she was giving him the time of day after the crap he had pulled on her over the past few years. He simply smiled and followed her.
As they entered the restaurant, they noticed that it was practically empty. They walked up to the hostess who then sat them immediately. They scanned through their menus and quickly picked out what they wanted to order.
"Hey Addie, is a Pinot Noir okay?"
"Yes, that's perfect actually."
"Great, so you ready to order?" he asked and she nodded her response. The waiter took their orders and excused himself.
Addison stared at Derek, waiting for him to say something. That ease that they had felt in the cab was no longer there, it felt a bit awkward now. Derek could feel the anxiousness radiating off of Addison. He could see her brow furrowing and could tell that she was over-analyzing the situation. He was about to say something when the waiter came back with their bottle of wine and broke the uncomfortableness.
The waiter poured them each a glass of wine and retreated from the table. Addison was the first to reach for her glass and was about to gulp it down when she noticed Derek raise up his glass and look at her with a slight grin.
"What?" she said self-consciously.
"Nothing, I just wanted to make a toast before you drank the whole bottle." he teased and then took cover behind his napkin.
Addison tried to feign offense but her laughter gave her away. She quickly reached for a piece of the warm bread and chucked it at Derek.
"Hey, hey now, be nice! You don't want to start a food fight that you know you can't win. Remember last time?" he said as he wiggled his eyebrows up and down.
"Hahahaha... oh yeah..I forgot I was dealing with the 'King. Go on."
"To you, to us..." he stopped when he saw Addison raise an inquiring eyebrow. "I can't believe we've been around each other for half an hour now and we haven't killed each other yet, here's to us."
"Well, the night's still young you know." she chuckled as she met his glass.
"So how's life in LA?"
"It's good, it's really good. It's sunny, there's beaches, and umm...surfing."
"Oh yeah, the surfing that you don't do." he laughed.
"Well you never know, I just might take up surfing. Besides, I can always ask Dell to teach me."
Derek's jaw instantly clenched when he heard her talk about another man teaching her how to surf. "Oh, so you and this Dell guy?"
Addison hadn't noticed Derek's reaction so she quickly answered, "Oh no...no..no, umm..he's the practice's receptionist/midwife/surfer guy."
Derek smiled. He was relieved to hear that she wasn't seeing this Dell guy. He didn't know why, but the thought of Addison with another man still irked him to no end. He knew he no longer had a right to be jealous or territorial but he just couldn't help it.
"How are Naomi and Sam?"
"Good, they're good. Maya is getting older by the day. I just can't believe how grown up she is."
"Wow, I can only imagine. I still remember her from the Christmas card and the..."
"Yup, baby Maya."
"So...how about you Derek? What's going on with you?"
"Well, you know working, being a hot shot neurosurgeon."
"Hot shot neurosurgeon, you? I don't buy that." she said with a slight grin.
"Oh yeah I forgot, no one can come close to the double board certified world class neonatal surgeon gyno queen." he teased.
"Mmmhmmm...that's right." she teased back.
"So, how are things with Bambi?"she coughed that last part out.
"Hahaha funny Addie, her name is Rose, and I don't know...things are fine I suppose."
"How about you? Are you seeing anyone?" he asked hesitantly. He really didn't want to know the answer to that but he couldn't help himself, he had to know.
"Yeah, I am actually, sort of."
"Sort of?"
Addison was about to answer but was interrupted by the waiter who had arrived with their food. For Derek, a 16 ounce Delmonico steak with spring asparagus, grilled walla walla sweet onions, and a truffle brie whipped potato. For Addison, grilled halibut chop, warm morel and pea vine salad, with a prosciutto wrapped yukon potato. "Thank you, this looks delicious." Addison replied politely.
"Is there anything else I could get for you at the moment?" the waiter asked.
Derek looked at Addison and then at the almost half empty bottle of wine they had consumed so far. "Actually, could you please bring us another bottle of your Hanzell Pinot Noir?, preferably a 2000 or 2001." the waiter nodded in understanding and walked away.
"Derek, another bottle? I don't know if it's such a good idea, I have to leave early tomorrow."
"Oh come on Addison, live a little. Besides, remember we're celebrating." he winked and smiled at her. "Now let's eat before this gets cold. Weren't you the one that said you were starving?"
She jokingly glared at him but when she realized she was indeed famished, she took the first bite. "Oh my god this is heavenly! Der, you have to try this." She took a piece of her halibut with her fork and leaned in to feed it to Derek, just like old times. Derek felt a surge of emotions hit his chest. It just felt so familiar and right, he opened his mouth and was pleasantly surprised.
"Wow, you're right, that is pretty amazing! Here, you have to try mine." he also leaned forward and fed her a piece of steak. Addison instinctively held on to the hand that was holding the fork to her mouth. She closed her eyes and savored the many flavors of the exquisite steak. All Derek could do was gaze at her while he watched her enjoy it. He was instantly extremely turned on, he abruptly pulled away. Addison's eyes flew open to look at him. He couldn't look at her, he picked up his glass of wine and gulped the warm inviting red liquid. She noticed his sudden change and tried to put him back at ease.
"You can't even look at me when I compliment your steak, imagine if I was complimenting you." she said facetiously.
Derek couldn't help but smile at her, "Thank you."
"So did I tell you that Sam saw me naked?"
Derek almost spit out his wine at this revelation. "He what?!" he exclaimed, caught off-guard.
"Ha! I knew that would get your attention."
"Sam really saw you naked?" he inquired curiously.
"Yup, he saw my many amazing attributes, if I do say so myself." she beamed at him. "Did I ever share with you that I have a thing for naked dancing?"
"No, you never did, but I did catch you on several occasions, I just never told you. Plus, I was too busy enjoying the view to interrupt your pretty fantastic sprinkler move." he said as he tried to hold his chuckle.
"I can't believe you never told me!" she laughed as she reached out to smack him. Derek tried to move away but she was too quick.
"Ow! Okay, okay. So how did he see you dancing naked?
"Well, I moved in next door to him without realizing it. It was my first day at the practice and I had just gotten out of the shower. So as I was dancing around by my window naked, I turned and there across from me was Sam! He looked completely shocked and embarrassed." Addison explained as she tried to control her laughter.
"I would have paid to see Sam embarrassed." Derek replied as he joined her.
The waiter arrived with their second bottle and poured them each another glass. "I don't know if I should keep drinking, I have a very early flight."
"Oh come on Addie, the night's still really young. It's not even 10 pm yet. Besides, it's been a while since we've been able to enjoy each other's company. Please?" Derek made a poor attempt at pouting.
"You are seriously incorrigible Derek Shepherd. Okay, but only because I'm having a good time and this wine is absolutely divine."
Addison looked up to meet his gaze. She could feel him burning a hole in her skull."What?" she asked a bit nervously.
"Nothing, it's just good to see you smile. I hadn't seen you this relaxed in so long."
"Well I'm seeing a side of you I hadn't seen in quite a bit too."
"Is that a good thing?" he questioned honestly.
"Yeah, I like it." she simply stated as she took another sip of her wine.
Derek studied her for a little while before reaching out for his wine glass. Something unexplainable was stirring inside of him. The feelings that he thought had been buried long ago seemed to be resurfacing. He couldn't help it, he just had to ask her.
"Do you ever wish things could be different?"
Addison was stunned by his question to say the least. She pondered it for a moment, then downed her wine and reached for the bottle to pour some more of the burgundy liquid courage. She was silent for a few minutes as they both continued dining on their wonderful meals, but Derek began to worry that he had gone too far. Perhaps she had truly moved on and she no longer cared to revisit their painful past?
She finally spoke, "I guess it just depends on what you mean by different?" She waited for his reaction. Addison wanted to know what this was all about? They were getting too close to crossing a line and she knew she didn't have the strength to stop it from happening. She didn't even know if she wanted to stop it.
"Do you ever just wish...that you could go back and do it all differently? The choices?, our marriage?, our divorce?"
"Do you?" she asked hesitantly.
Derek nodded sadly. He scooted his chair closer to her. Addison's eyes widened for a moment and then she let out the breath she had been unknowingly holding. He leaned closer to her and her lips parted for him unconsciously. Their lips made contact. It was slow and tentative at first, but as soon as he reached behind her head to pull her towards him, they deepened the kiss. It was so easy and natural, like they had never stopped. Addison was the first to pull away, to catch her breath, but Derek was still holding her. They stared into each other's eyes, both asking the same question. Addison answered it by standing up and holding out her hand to him. He took it as she lead him to the elevators.
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As soon as the elevator doors closed, Derek continued his audacious assault on Addison's lips. She met his fervor, her arms encircled his neck and held him tighter to her. He instantly grabbed her ass and pushed her up against the wall. Addison didn't hesitate as she wrapped her never-ending legs around his waist. He rubbed his hard erection into her core as she panted into his mouth, the sensation almost driving her over the edge. Derek started to untie her top, but the ding of the elevator temporarily stopped their salacious onslaught of each other.
They quickly made it to her door where she fumbled with the key card. Finally, she opened the door, then turned around to face him before pulling him into the room by the collar of his shirt. He put his arms on her hips and walked in with her, shutting the door with his foot. Instantly he carried her and she automatically wrapped her legs around him once more. He walked them over to the bed and gently laid her down. Addison reached out for him and roughly pulled him towards her. She wanted to feel him deep inside of her, but Derek stopped her before she could unbutton his shirt.
"Wait Addie, I want to take this slow. Let me just love you tonight. I want to feel you, I want to explore you. I want to touch every part of you that has been long ingrained in my memory. I want us to make love."
She was quiet, she didn't know what to say. She slid her hands away from his shirt and let him lead her. He slowly started to unwrap her silk blouse. He wanted to see her, to feel her. He traced his fingers over her lace-covered swollen breasts. He continued to explore her soft flat stomach until he had completely removed her blouse. He then moved on to her skirt which he slid off in one swift motion until Addison was laying on the bed looking absolutely breathtaking. Derek couldn't stop staring, she was amazing. He quickly took off his own clothes and got on all fours on top of her. Her beautiful red hair was a great contrast to the white sheets. He gazed at her for a few moments. Addison couldn't help but feel a bit self-conscious. "What?" she asked timidly.
"You're absolutely beautiful." he simply stated. The way he was looking at her, so genuinely, and with so much love. It made her heart swell with feelings that she had desperately been trying to forget. She smiled at him and then leaned up to capture his lips with her own.
Derek darted his tongue out and licked her lips. She sucked in her breath and her mouth fell open. He teased her lips, nipping hers gently with his. "Derek..." Addison said in a husky tone. He couldn't control himself much longer. He covered her mouth with his, slowly drinking her in. One of Derek's legs slipped in between hers and he rested his erection in between her thighs.
Addison could feel his long thick erection, it felt so amazing cradled in between her legs. Everything just felt so familiar, comfortable and amazing...like they'd never been apart. They knew each other's bodies like no other. He knew exactly what she needed and she knew exactly what he needed. They were each other's half. She worked her fingers into his boxers and gripped his cock. Derek hissed. He was so hard and she could feel him pulsing and throbbing in her hand. She pumped her hand up and down the head of his cock and then swirled her thumb around the tip of the head, stroking strong and slow back down to the shaft. "Jesus Addison!" Derek held her hand to stop her. "Baby, I love what you're doing but I won't last long if you keep doing that." She smiled and slid her hand up his chest. She looked back up into his face and saw the desire in his eyes. It was so fierce it looked like he was in pain. Addison began to shake with need.
Derek laced his fingers between hers on each hand and pinned them above her head, straddling her. "God Addie, you're amazing." he murmured. He swooped down and captured her nipple through her lacy bra. He suckled on her breast until she started to whimper. He moved to the other one and started his assault all over again. He let go of one of her hands and reached behind her to undo her bra. He easily unhooked it and tossed it aside, then began cupping her breasts as his thumbs circled her nipples. The sensation was too much and Addison let out a low moan. Derek took the opportunity to lean down and began to kiss, lick, and bite her breasts. When he sucked a nipple into his mouth she gasped and then arched her back and buried her fingers in his hair, holding him to her.
"Derek, oh God!"
His mouth began its descent south, his fingers grazed her sides and then tugged on the waistband of her panties and pulled them down and off. Then his mouth returned to its path, leaving wet kisses on her stomach, each kiss caused a shiver to run through her body. He started on her thighs, kissing the delicate skin there, letting his nose brush up against her outer lips as he nibbled on her inner thighs. He drew the flat of his tongue along her folds, flicking her clit with the tip.
Derek finally slipped his tongue deep inside her and Addison shook uncontrollably as he closed his lips over her folds, allowing his tongue to reach further and further inside. Addison whispered his name like a mantra,"Derek, oh god, Derek, baby please, I want ahhhh..please Derek." He pulled away and she bucked her hips, missing the warmth of his mouth on her.
"Tell me what you want baby...what do you want?"
"You, I want you inside me now...please."
He didn't hesitate. He slid up her body coming face to face with her again. He cupped her head as her legs lifted up over his hips and he positioned himself at her warm tight entrance. Derek poked gently until he felt himself sinking into her. Her warm fluids coated the flared end of his cock and they both sucked in their breath. Derek braced himself and slid into her completely with a steady stroke. When he hit her cervix he spread his legs, causing Addison's legs to widen further as he rocked into her, and then her hips rolled up off the bed.
"Hmmm...oh yeah, ahhh Derrrrrrrrek..." she purred.
"Oh Addie, you feel so good. I've missed you so much."
"Ahh..missed you toooooo..yeah."
"I love you baby."
"I love you too."
Addison groaned deeply, her back arched, her nipples dragged on his chest. Derek dropped his head and took advantage of her offered neck and began to suck on it. Addison reached for his head, running her fingers through Derek's hair as she met him thrust for thrust. They fell into a nice steady slow rhythm as Derek began to gyrate his hips each time he bottomed out against her cervix, feeling it stretch up into her womb. She grunted in pleasure and her hips sped up. He started to match her thrusts, speeding up and shoving himself into her more harshly. She shouted, "Oh Derek, OH GOD YES! Just like that baby. It's so good, God you feel so good. Awww you're...aww so good!"
He reached down to cup her ass, pressing her to him each time he slid into her for maximum contact. Her eyes started to gloss over and a little sheen of sweat glistened over her brow. Her cheeks and chest were red and flushed. She felt so amazing he never wanted to stop, but he could feel that he was close. His cock was so hard it was almost painful and his balls were so tight slapping up against her ass with every thrust. Addison began to whimper and he knew that she was close and so was he. He growled like an uncontrollable animal. "Yeah Addie baby, come for me. Come for me Addie. Ahhhhhh..."
Addison's mouth hung open as she sucked in a ragged breath and a keening sound emanated from her throat. Her fingernails dug into the flesh of his back as she found her release. That was all Derek needed. He panted, "Open your eyes, Addie."
Her eyes opened and he could feel her body vibrating beneath him. He pounded into her tightness and felt her muscles spasm around him again. Her back arched as she offered Derek her puckered nipple. He dipped his head down and nipped at it a few times quickly as she screamed out his name, "Deeeeeeeeeerrrrreeeek..." He felt her walls clamp down on him as he slid mercilessly into her now, knowing nothing but his need for release. He could feel her thighs trembling against his hips as she orgasmed again. The feeling he felt was something he hadn't felt in a long time. He finally exploded, squirting cum deep into her. He stayed buried inside her as both of them panted breathlessly. He slid out of her and rolled off bringing her to him, holding her in his arms. He reached out and found the covers as he knew she would be cold. Neither of them spoke for a few minutes.
"That was, WOW! That was AMAZING!"
"Yeah that was, what you said." she whispered
"Hey Addie?"
"Yeah." she answered a bit groggily.
"I meant what I said...I do love you and I miss you." he said sincerely.
"Me too." she whispered.
Neither of them wanted to move or say anymore. It didn't matter that they were sticky and glistening with sweat from their love making, all they wanted to do was bask in the afterglow. They felt sated as he pulled her closer to him and sleep soon followed. Their arms and legs entwined and every part of their bodies touched, even in sleep.
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The sun was seeping through the slits in the blinds, illuminating her hotel room. The unwanted glaring sound of the alarm clock stirred Derek awake. He felt a weight on his chest and when he looked down he smiled as he saw Addison's hair radiating with the sunlight. He had forgotten how amazing it felt to have her soft warm body draped over him in the morning. He missed these moments when he was simply able to breathe in her sweet scent and cherish her while she slept so trustingly in his arms. Addison began to stir.
"Morning Sunshine."
"Morning." Addison replied with a full smile. "What time is it?"
"It's only 6 am, your flight doesn't leave till 9:30, right?"
"Yeah, but I should probably get up and shower, and also call to have a car pick me up." she said as she started to slip out of his embrace. He quickly reached out for her and pulled her back to him.
"Well I'll tell you what, stay with me in bed for a few more minutes, and while you shower I can call the car company and order us breakfast. How does that sound?"
"It can be negotiated." she grinned slyly.
He leaned in and kissed her. He couldn't help it, she was so damn beautiful. Even in the morning with the bed head and the smudged makeup, she was still breathtaking. They kissed tenderly for a few moments, but then Addison pulled away. As good as it felt being kissed and held by Derek again, she didn't want to prolong the inevitable. She knew that this was closure for both of them.
"Okay, I seriously have to get going Derek. I still have to put my stuff away."
"Fine, fine, be that way." he pouted.
"Don't get pouty with me Derek Shepherd. You know that doesn't work with me." she said with a mischievous smile. She got out of bed and walked towards the bathroom, knowing that Derek was watching her backside as she walked away.
"Woman, you're gonna be the death of me." he called after her.
As soon he heard the door close, he slipped out of bed and put on his boxers. He grabbed the breakfast menu and called to order their breakfast. He wanted to get all of her favorites, he wanted it to be special. He knew that this was the conclusion to the 'Addison and Derek' story. This is what they both had needed, but then why did he want her to stay? Derek shook his head, he knew that they couldn't go back. Even though they had essentially forgiven each other, they had to move on right? They couldn't try this again, could they? She was happy now, she was happy in another city, with other friends, and another man, right? And he was fairly happy, right? He was trying to move on with his life as well, he had Rose and this thing with Meredith. "What the hell is wrong with me?" he questioned out loud.
He called the front desk again to ask for a driver to take them to the airport. He wanted to accompany her, he wanted to spend any little bit of time she had left together. He looked around the room and noticed her suitcase. He went to grab it, he wanted to help her with putting away her stuff so that she could enjoy her breakfast. He knew that she was very meticulous when it came to her packing, especially with her shoes. Being with her for 15 years had taught him a thing or two, and packing was something he knew that he could do for her.
As soon as she closed the door, she released the breath she hadn't realized she'd been holding. Addison knew she shouldn't have allowed this to happen, but she had needed this, and he had needed it. This is what they had needed a year ago, but they had both been too hurt and angry to give it to each other then. She went to turn the water on and she let it run for a bit. She was happy now right? She loved her house, the practice, her friends. She had started to date Kevin and he was a great guy, and then there was this thing with Pete. She had moved on, right? "Ahhhh...get a grip Montgomery." she said to herself. This part of her life was over. There was no point in revisiting it, there was no longer an 'Addison and Derek.'
Fifteen minutes later, Addison emerged from the bathroom clad in a towel. She smiled when the amazing scent of food hit her nose. Her smile got even wider when she noticed Derek had not only packed for her, but had laid out her clothing on the bed. He had even given her two different options of shoes.
"Someone's been taking notes from 'The Rachel Zoe Project'. " she teased.
"Hey, I've known you long enough to know what you like to wear on your flights. Come here, I ordered your favorites." he said as he pulled out a chair for her and took the lids off of several of the plates. There before them was an assortment of foods. For Derek, eggs, hashbrowns, bacon, sausage, toast, and black coffee. For Addison, he had ordered an egg white omelet with peppers and onions, a strawberry papaya cocktail, and green tea.
"Thank you Derek, this looks really good." she exclaimed as she dug into her omelet.
"You're welcome." he replied happily.
They were silent for a bit as they ate, but Derek really wanted to ask her something.
"So, will you be back anytime soon?"
"Umm...not unless my expertise is needed here...probably not." she admitted.
"Oh...okay..." he looked down at his plate, trying not to sound too disappointed.
"But you never know, I might come and visit Callie, Miranda, and Richard and umm..."
"Me." he finished for her.
"Yeah." she said in almost a whisper as she looked at her tea like it held all the secrets to the world.
"I wish you could stay." he said sincerely.
"I know, I wish I could too, but you and I both know I can't. We can't Derek." she said wistfully.
"I know Addie, I just ahh..." Derek was interrupted by the phone ringing. The front desk was calling to inform them that their car would be ready soon.
"Who was that?" Addison inquired.
"Front desk, the car will be ready in 30 minutes. I'm gonna take a quick shower while you get ready."
"Okay." she took a sip of her tea and watched him walk towards the bathroom. "Hey Derek?"
"Yeah?"
"What were you gonna say?"
"Don't worry, it's nothing important." he turned and gave her one of his famous smirks. He couldn't bring himself to tell her, once again his fear and indecision overtook him.
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Traffic to Sea-Tac wasn't too bad. They managed to make it there in plenty of time. They exited the car and Derek asked the driver to park and wait for him. He grabbed Addison's suitcase and followed her to the ticket counter.
After she checked her bag and got all sorted out, they strolled over to the gate. As they walked side by side, he reached out for her hand. They laced their fingers together and continued to their destination.
They found a couple of chairs and took a seat, their hands still entwined. Derek raised up their hands to his mouth and gave Addison's hand a light kiss. She smiled at him, touched by his sweet gesture. Why couldn't he be like this years ago? She found herself thinking. Why couldn't they find each other like this? She shook the thoughts away, she had to stop thinking like that. There was nothing that could be done now. Too much had happened...things that could be forgiven but not forgotten.
"Hey, you okay?" he asked with a tinge of concern.
"Yeah, I umm...I was just thinking of what I needed to do when I get home." she lied.
"Like your surfing classes with the midwife?" he joked. He wanted to see her smile again. He knew she was in her head again and he wanted to distract her. He grinned when he heard her giggle.
"No, no plans for surfing lessons yet. You're silly, you know that?"
"Silly is my middle name. Hi, I'm Derek "Silly" Shepherd."
She laughed again, this time a good hearty laugh.
An announcement was made for her flight's departure. The ticket agent began to roll call the passengers from first class. Addison heard her seat number called out and quickly stood up. Derek stared at her for several moments, he didn't want to say goodbye. He knew that he might not be seeing her anytime soon.
"Okay, well that's me, so ahhh...yeah."
"Yeah."
"It was good seeing you again Derek."
"It was great seeing you too Addie."
They stood there motionless, just gazing into each other's eyes. So many questions wanting answers but never being asked. So many words of love but not being voiced. He reached out to touch his hand to her cheek and she leaned into it. He moved his hand to the base of her neck and pulled her to him. He needed to feel her close to him. Addison's stomach was doing flip flops. She just wanted to be near him and she wanted to feel his arms around her. Their lips met, it was slow, tender, and sweet. They wanted to savor this moment if it was going to be their last. Neither of them pulled away. Oxygen was not a factor in this moment, nothing else mattered right now. The moment seemed to go by so slowly and they finally pulled apart, but leaned their foreheads against each other, holding onto their closeness. Her seat number was called again.
"I have to go Derek."
"I know. I love you Addison Forbes Montgomery. Always."
"I love you too Derek Christopher Shepherd. Always, always."
Addison pulled away but not before he grabbed her hand and held it tightly. He didn't want to let her go, but he knew he had to.
"You'll always be a part of me Addie. Take care of yourself."
"You too." she glanced at him one more time, then turned and headed towards the terminal. Her hand slowly slipped out of his grasp.
Derek stood frozen as he watched her get closer to the gate. He felt a wrenching pain in his chest. Something inside of him was telling him to stop her, but he couldn't talk, he couldn't move. The love of his life was leaving yet again and he wasn't going to stop her. He couldn't bring himself to stop her. He knew this was it, he had to let her go. She would do the same and they would both move on with their lives.
He watched her for a few more moments and then with a heartbroken smile, he walked away.
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See i thought love was black and white
That it was wrong or it was right
But you aren't leaving without a fight
And i think i am just as torn inside
Cause i don't know who i am, who i am without you
All i know is that i should
And i don't know if i could stand another hand upon you
All i know is that i should
Cause she will love you more then i could
She who dares to stand where i stood
And I wont be far from where you are if ever you should call
You meant more to me then any one i've ever loved at all
But you taught me how to trust myself
And so i say to you, this is what i have to do.
Cause i don't know who i am, who i am without you
All i know is that i should
And i don't know if i could stand another hand upon you
All i know is that i should
Cause she will love you more then i could
She who dares to stand where i stood
She who dares to stand where i stood.
In the words of Missy Higgins: "Cause I don't know who I am, who I am with out your REVIEW."
So please REVIEW. )