Emotions define us. They bring fear and hurt and pain aswell as happiness and love. There are times in our lives when everyone needs to be free of emotion, of feeling. But we never are. Emotions are who we are as people and without them, we would be nothing. They bring hope.
Void. Betrayal. Love. Courage. Regret. Feeling. Pain.
Void. No emotion, no feeling. He was a void, he couldn't feel, wouldn't feel, because if he did he would never be able to leave. Already indecision was trickling in through the cracks of his carefully woven shield, protecting him from what he should be feeling. But he wouldn't let that indecision win, because he had to do this. For her, for him, for them. Still, when she looked at him with those huge brown eyes of hers, shining with the love that was all his, it was almost impossible to turn away. But he would, when he could.
Betrayal. After all that time, all that searching, and he was taking her back to square one. But he had to do it, she would understand later, hopefully. Still, he couldn't help but feel he was betraying her. Because she loved him, and all she wanted to do was be with him. But he wouldn't let her. He couldn't let her. She didn't know what she was committing herself to when she stepped out of the Tardis, their safe haven. But he knew. And he would follow through with it, no matter how those innocent eyes of hers tried to sway him.
Love. Undying, overwhelming love. Another emotion seeping in through the various and growing number of cracks in his shield. Overpowering all emotions was love. His love for her and her love for him, it was all the same, all one. He didn't want to break that love, because if he walked away, and he was going to, she would hate him. But maybe he deserved that. He already knew he was undeserving of her love, he always had been, maybe this was his penance for accepting it. And he always had accepted it, embraced it, but never truly returned it. And now he never could. Still, above all things, it was his love for her and his longing for her to be happy that gave him the courage to leave. Because it was all he could do now.
Courage. Everyone thought he was full of it, thought it overflowed from him constantly. They were wrong. Sure, he was always courageous when faced with any danger or monster. But not this one. Because right now, he wanted nothing more than to run away and hide. Rose saw that, she saw through his tough outer shield to the frightened, broken man within. And she had healed that man. But this was a different battle to face; did he have the courage to leave the one he loved so she could be happy? He hoped he did, god he hoped, because he had to, there was no other option. So he would.
Regret. He was full of regret. So much more so than courage. But people didn't see that, it was deep beneath the surface. But it had been a long time since he had felt so much regret. Not since he'd killed his people had he been so overwhelmed by it. Because here, he'd had a choice, but he chose the easy was out, the one safest for him. He didn't want the pain of loving a human and he certainly didn't want the pain of being there as she grew old and he stayed the same and eventually, as she died while he lived. That was something he couldn't live with. So he took the cowards way out and let her there. And now that he was alone, he regretted it. But it was too late now and she was gone, forever.
Feeling. Bad feeling. They were gone, both of them in one day, he loved both of them so much and he'd lost both of them. Ironic how the two he cared about the most, he could never see again. But that's how it always was, and he always ended up alone. Now that they were gone, he could let the shield fall and the feeling come rushing in, and it hurt, just like it always did.
Pain. Overwhelming, heartbreaking pain that brought him, broken, to his knees. And for once in a very, very long time, he cried. For Donna, for Rose, for them. Sarah-Jane's words came back to him; "You act like such a lonely man, when really, you have the biggest family ever!" But they were all gone now. And he was left alone. Geez, he was so stupid to have let her go, he should have been brave and selfish and kept her with him. Because with her, their would be no pain. He should have. But he didn't. And it hurt.