* I have returned for the time being... I know you missed me didn't you? :)

Old Memories Never Die

It had been ten years since that day. All of the pieces of the puzzle were still clear in his mind, but the nightmares that haunted him switched the circumstances, played memory games and screamed lies and truths into a fictional plot. Out of all the harsh realities he had faced on the Starship Voyager, the lies, the deaths, missions, the friendships, the workforce camp always made him the most melancholy and the utmost frustrated.

10 years to the date since he had to help rescue the crew from the camp. 10 years her actions still hurt like hell.

10 years...

Chakotay and Kathryn had remained friends while they continued their trek home on Voyager. But they were not as "close" as they had been before. Kathryn spent most of her time in her ready room, or with Seven and the doctor, helping her with her humanity. And Chakotay was busy with the rest of the senior staff. Truthfully, he was avoiding her and knew he was. In fact the whole crew with the exception of the captain, knew he was hiding.

So when the crew of voyager suddenly appeared at Earths doorstep, he figured that finally it might be the right time to discuss their friendship and perhaps becoming a couple. He had waited for her to come to her ready room, like she had done a thousand times before. The memories of them talking and joking, made him smile softly. Perhaps today would be a grand day, a new start, and a chance for them to toast their homecoming. The end of one journey, and a start of a new life.

Perhaps.

But he was wrong.

Kathryn had walked in and immediately turned him away. She had said that she had urgent business to discuss with Starfleet. He quietly mumbled that he understood and left her to her task.

It would be another 2 years before they spoke again.

It was a chilly night on the wharf in San Francisco. The ocean waves were choppy against the howling winds, making the windows shiver against its strength. Inside a local bistro, Chakotay sat sipping some tea, starring out the large window, and watching the sun set against the ocean. The bistro was very quiet, very few people were out on Christmas Day, and the bistro was one of the few places inside the city that were open on the holiday.

Christmas was one of those holidays that Chakotays family never celebrated. In fact it wasn't until he had entered the academy that he had even seen a Christmas tree, except in holo-images. He chuckled at a fond memory he had of nearly tipping over a Christmas tree.

"Excuse me sir, would you like another refill?"

"No thank you miss, another sip and I will have to head home."

The waitress smiled and attended to the other couple near the back of the room. The couple were obviously in a new relationship, or a first date because they intrenched in a heavy conversation and were unaware of anyone else in the bistro, let alone the waitress.

"Are you planning on leaving already Chakotay, or can I talk you into having another cup with me?"

He turned only to see her halfway smiling at him. "Kathryn? Will this certainly is a surprise. What on earth are you doing out on Christmas Day alone?"

She sighed, a heavy sigh. "I was at a Christmas party but I needed some air and some time to think. I know the owners of this place and I knew it would be open."

"I see."

"Honestly Chakotay the party got a little strange for me and I felt uncomfortable and I needed to leave."

He Smiled. "Kathryn Janeway uncomfortable. Species 8472 didn't make you uncomfortable nor the Viddians." Now he laughed. In fact they both laughed.

"One of my friends that I knew at the academy was just asked if she would marry the man she has dated for years. And of course she said yes."

"Well that sounds calm enough Kathryn. I don't see why that would make you uncomfortable. I mean when two people love each other its only natural that they would take the next step." His voice trailed off as he began to stare into his tea cup. He didn't dare look at her.

She fumbled with the menu for a moment and then looked back at him. "The man that I was dating briefly asked me the same question. But I said no."

Now he looked up.. "No? Really why?"

"I cant really think of myself living with someone, let alone marrying them. That isn't really who I am Chakotay. Besides its the wrong time."

He rolled his eyes which was something he never did. "Really I figured that after only knowing Jaffen for a short time and moving in with him it would be a snap for you."

At first she looked hurt, but then her eyes changed, and she shrugged her shoulders, before looking him dead in his eyes. "My mind was altered, I can hardly be held accountable for something I did when I wasn't really myself."

He took another sip of his tea which was now very chilled. "All I know is that we spent a lot of hours and years together on Voyager and we never got as close as you did with Jaffen. And you knew him for all of what 3 days? He must have been a way better man than I am or could ever be. If I even hinted at a relationship with you, you cringed and changed the subject.

"Thats not fair Chakotay."

"Life isn't fair Captain."

Then they were both quiet. She slid off her stool and looked at him one last time. "Goodbye Chakotay, and Merry Christmas."

He wanted to say that he was sorry, that he was simply angry, that he never got to hold her the way that Jaffen had held her. That he loved her and had loved her for years. But that damn workforce camp had changed their relationship and they both could see now how much it really had changed.

So instead of going after her, he remained quiet. He sat at the table alone for a little longer, trying to think about anything but her.

He pushed his cup to the middle of the table, paid his bill and sighed. Tomorrow would be a busy day, a long and busy day. Tomorrow he boarded the shuttle home. Home to Dvoran... Home Finally.