Disclaimer: As always, Kishimoto-san owns all characters and places. I'm just fixing it.
Grasping for Strings
Loss is always accompanied by adjustment.
For some, it is a change of a routine. In Guy's case, he can no longer do his minimum of one hundred laps around the village, or his three hundred push-ups. He's crippled, for life. He will never be the same without his once powerful, awe-inspiring physique.
For others, such as Lee, it is an alteration of mindset. Guy-sensei's youthfulness shined so brightly during the war, so much so that he could no longer be Lee's physical challenger. A new strategy had to be devised! Now, Lee was the teacher, instructing fresh genin in the way of how to be a youthful ninja. Guy-sensei, as always, guiding him carefully.
But for Tenten, loss is more than just a change, an alteration, an adjustment. It's a bonafide disaster.
At the time, she couldn't register it. There was too much going—ideologies clashing, war raging, people hurting and dying and getting healed. It was sensory overload. So, at the time, Tenten could not find it within herself to cry or be upset—she handled it like she handled all crises: by compartmentalizing. It was a skill she had had to learn early on in her life—choosing to be a ninja had a pretty list of qualifications and breaking down in the middle of a mission wasn't one of them. So, she had learned how to push things aside in the middle of the world exploding so she could do whatever it was she had to do. And in the middle of the Fourth Shinobi World War, there was too much strain to properly grieve. Besides, Tenten had thought, Neji would have been furious with her if she had broken down into a useless puddle of tears over his death rather than fight even harder, like he would have done.
So she sucked it up, because she knew that was what Neji would have wanted, no—demanded, of her, had he still been alive. And she'd gotten fairly good at privatizing her emotions—one of the highlights of having a best friend who's emotionally unavailable most days.
Furthermore, her team needed her. Lee was a mess, and so was Guy-sensei, though he didn't show it as freely as his protégé did. Some people, when they looked at Team Guy, thought Neji was the backbone of the entire assemblage. This was not true. Tenten had always been the mast holding the ship together. She was just so good at it that people didn't notice (not all that surprising; she was constantly overlooked by everyone, sometimes even her own teammates).
So, she decided to put her falling apart on hold until this whole mess was over.
Honestly, it did not hit her until a day after her return to Konoha.
She woke up in her bed, opened her eyes, and the loss collapsed onto her like a wave. It pushed the breath from her body with the weight of it, overwhelmed her with tears and snot and the most horrific internal pain that she had ever felt. It crippled her; she laid in bed the entire day, unable to move past the sadness and the desperation that was crowding in on her heart.
And now she understood Lee's inability to control himself. Now she could comprehend Guy-sensei's absolute powerlessness. Once the full force of loss hit you, you unraveled, became undone, completely stripped.
She found her way to the funeral somehow, with Lee beside her, pushing Guy-sensei's wheelchair. The crying had stopped, thankfully. But as Tenten was realizing, the crying wasn't the true part of grief. It was the precursor to the legitimate emotions. Like emptiness, or feeling like you'd been physically sawn in half, or the incessant memories that slammed against your brain. Grief was relentless.
"Tenten?"
Tenten lifted her head to consider Lee. The sea of black was receding. The funeral, apparently, was over.
"Are you coming?"
The headstone swam in her vision.
"I think I want to stay for a while."
In her peripheral vision, Tenten saw Lee and Guy-sensei look at each other, silently conferring. That was something she and Neji used to do all the time.
Lee looked up and said, "Would you like some company?"
Tenten glanced at her teammate, her sensei. She smiled weakly. "Sure."
Tenten loses track of time. For a while, Team Guy just sits in silence, ruminating in their own thoughts.
But then Guy-sensei brings up their first mission as a team (a true disaster to be sure), and begins recounting the details—how Neji was too proud and took charge from the outset, which in turn frustrated Tenten and made Lee try even harder to take control, all of this resulting in a three-way fight that Guy had to step in and break up.
Tenten and Lee smile at the memory, so far out of reach.
And then the memories start bubbling to the surface—an informal eulogy. The stories flow out from the three of them, and it strikes Tenten that they are all standing in the same places they've always been. Guy-sensei, their fearless leader, spearheading everything, challenging them to be better, to adjust to whatever situation they found themselves in. Lee, the unending encourager, matching their sensei's enthusiasm easily. Tenten—the one who kept everyone reined in, levelheaded, but just as willing. And then there was Neji, silent as always.
She had to wonder if he would have joined them in this remembrance if he were still breathing, and then she immediately dismissed it. Of course he wouldn't.
Evening fell and Guy-sensei and Lee got ready to leave, touching Neji's headstone in promise that they would return.
But Tenten decided to stay a while longer, waving off her team's attempts to get her to leave. As Guy-sensei was wheeled around to head back to the village, he gripped Tenten's shoulder. Tenten looked up at her teacher, and she saw in his eyes understanding. He knew.
Tenten glanced away, color flooding her cheeks.
"We'll see you later, youthful flower," Guy said, his smile broken.
Tenten waited until she no longer heard them before getting more comfortable. She crossed her legs and stared, darkness falling.
"You shouldn't have done it," she said. "There was another way. I could have helped you, Lee could have helped you; we all could have worked something out. But you acted alone. I was supposed to have your back, but you moved too fast for me, this time. And that's not fair, Neji."
She sighed. She knows what she wants. She wants an answer, some type of response.
But there is nothing. Only silence. No smirk. No serious explanation, which would have been even rarer. Just silence.
Tenten's forehead finds the cold stone of Neji's grave. She closes her eyes, remembers the last conversation they had before the war, before this mess.
They had finished training and were on their way to meet Guy and Lee for dinner.
"I'm so tired," Tenten complained.
Neji replied, "Well, that's not encouraging. We only trained for a few hours. What are you going to do when we're fighting a war?"
Tenten rolled her eyes.
"I'm sure you're more than capable of covering for me if I spontaneously pass out from exhaustion."
Neji looked at her, a secret playing across his expression. Tenten's forehead furrowed.
"What?"
Neji paused, considering his words. "Team Guy will not be serving together in the war, Tenten."
Tenten stared at him, stopping in her steps.
"What makes you say that?"
Neji took a step towards her, his gaze concentrated.
"They'll split us up according to attack style. It's good strategy."
"So . . . we won't be together? Are you sure?"
Neji nodded, his head tilted a little as he studied her.
Inwardly, Tenten was trying not to panic. Not with her team? But they always worked best when they were together—that's why they were considered one of the best four-man cells in all of the Leaf Village.
"Tenten."
Tenten felt Neji grasp her shoulder, and pull her a little closer. She looked up at him, trying to sort through her thoughts.
"We'll be fine," he murmured.
Tenten raised her eyebrows. "Do you really believe that?"
At that moment, Tenten felt like they could have been the only two people in the world, and she wouldn't have cared. Everything else slipped from her attention until it was just she and Neji. Like it always had been. Like it always would be.
"I believe in us."
Tenten opened her eyes and couldn't see anything—night had completely fallen, with no moon, no stars. Fitting, Tenten thought.
She sat back from his headstone, and stared at it, cold.
"I believed in us too," she whispered. She reached up and touched her skin. His name is imprinted on her forehead.
The days pass for her without much change. The emptiness does not become fuller; in fact, with each hour, it feels like it gets deeper. Like she's descending further into despair, and there isn't anything she can do to stop it.
One day in January, Lee finds her holed up in her bedroom, underneath her covers in the fetal position. Her eyes are rimmed in red and purple, and Lee can tell that she hasn't been sleeping. All she can do is stare ahead.
"I need him back, Lee. I can't do this without him."
Lee tries to make her feel better, tries to tell her that Neji wouldn't want her to be so sad, to remember that he knew what he was choosing when he jumped in front of Naruto.
But the words fall on deaf ears. Tenten isn't stupid. She knows that if Neji were alive, he would think she was behaving like a fool.
But some part of her, however small it was, knew that Neji would also understand the level of her grief and why she was acting the way she was. She knew that she wasn't as strong as him, would not turn to anger and bitterness like he did when he lost his father. But Neji would have understood, and some part of her hoped he would have helped her through it. She thought it was a good chance he would have.
In March, just a couple of weeks after her birthday, Lee and Guy-sensei run some type of intervention. They try to pull her out of her shell, make her laugh. And it works for a few hours or a few days. But Tenten cannot fight her sadness with a few well-placed, well-intentioned jokes.
She needs Neji.
Team Guy stops going on missions officially in the summer. It had just been Tenten and Lee since Guy-sensei was no longer able, and it was time. Besides—it just wasn't the same anymore.
One day, as Tenten is making her weekly visit to Neji's grave, she spots Lee there, arguing with Neji's gravestone.
"My rival, you should have handled it differently! Tenten is devastated; she barely leaves her house anymore! She doesn't smile or laugh or anything, and it's all your fault!" Lee rages at the stone for another half hour before finally running out of the cemetery.
And Tenten thinks that that is the worst thing about death—the dead can't talk back, and they can't, they won't ever answer you.
When she does sleep, she dreams of him. She imagines him kissing her, holding her hand, diving in for the defeating blow in their spar, his presence always right beside her. She sees it all—the story, the life, that will never be. And the possibilities of it all is too much to bear.
It is August again and Hinata greets her. Tenten can't even look her in the face, because those eyes are Neji's, and seeing him is too painful because it's a lie.
"Tenten," Hinata says, "how are you?"
Tenten forces a smile that she knows isn't convincing. "Fine, Hinata. Thanks for asking," she answers.
Hinata's searching eyes don't believe her.
"He really cared for you. You know that, right, Tenten-san?"
The words break Tenten's concentration and she finally looks at Hinata, stunned. There is a boldness there that has grown, that wasn't there before the war. In the few times Tenten has been out in the village, she's seen Hinata walking around with Naruto.
Well, that makes sense, she thinks.
"Thanks, Hinata."
Tenten makes to leave, because honestly, this conversation is a little too much for her, but Hinata stops her with a gentle, but firm grasp of her shoulder.
"Do you want to come with me to visit Neji? I was just going to bring him some flowers."
Tenten wants to say no, wants to run away to the safety of her home and her own thoughts. But that's rude.
"Okay."
They walk together in silence, but it's companionable, not forced like Tenten expected it to be. When they arrive, Hinata carefully places the sunflowers on the grave and bows her head respectfully.
"Neji-nii-san, Tenten came with me today," Hinata begins in her soft voice. She paused, then said, "We both miss you terribly, nii-san."
It is then that Tenten decides to turn her gaze to Hinata. And though a lot of things about the Hyuga heiress have changed—her face is more serene, less troubled, a healthy air of confidence surrounding her—Tenten cannot ignore the level of sadness in her eyes. It is the same kind of sadness Tenten finds in her own, every time she drags herself in front of a mirror. Fighting the emptiness, fighting the despair. Out of everyone in the village, Hinata is probably the one who understands her pain the most.
Tenten flicks her eyes back to Neji's place of rest, her fingertips grazing the edge of the stone.
"I miss you," she tells him, confirming Hinata's words. If you're able, please come back.
She and Hinata part ways, but a silent understanding passes between them, and on her walk home, Tenten somehow feels a little bit lighter. Neji's absence is still felt, like he is just around the corner, just out of her reach.
When Tenten arrives home, her house feels stuffy. In a fit, she tidies up her living room, then the kitchen. Her bedroom she saves for last. She strips the sheets and throws them in the washing machine. The clutter that has accumulated on her nightstand is appalling; she throws out the empty ramen cups and Kleenexes, slightly disgusted with herself.
When she finishes her cleaning, Tenten sits on the edge of her bed and holds their team picture. Neji is scowling, as usual.
She thinks about their time together—almost always spent in their training grounds. And Tenten decides that she needs to go, she needs to be in those woods again, where Neji would most palpably be felt by her.
It is night when she arrives. On a whim she had brought her scroll and the Bashosen, just in case she wanted to practice. However, honestly, Tenten didn't know how she felt about returning to ninja life anymore. Doing anything without Neji seemed somewhat fruitless. Things would never be the same again.
The months of disuse were discernible. The undergrowth was a little wild, and the well-worn path was covered with leaves.
"Is that really how you're choosing to attack me?"
Tenten grimaced at his smirk, but gripped the kunai tighter. Close-quarters combat with Neji was a death wish.
She answered light-heartedly, "What? Is the great genius Neji Hyuga scared?"
Neji's smirk deepened, and he slipped into his fighting stance, sliding closer towards her.
"I'm not scared of you," he assured, marking her movements as they began to circle each other. "I just don't know what's possessed you to go back to our genin days all of a sudden."
Tenten shrugged, thinking up scenarios in her mind's eye—mapping out the course of their spar. In the trees, her shuriken glinted in the small patches of sunlight. But she knew she couldn't rely on them—Neji had already seen them for sure.
"Call me nostalgic."
And then Neji smiled, a true, genuine smile, and Tenten faltered a little in her surprise. Her mistake gave Neji the opening he wanted—he slipped forward, his hand poised above the chakra point on the inside of her right arm. They are stuck, frozen—Tenten's kunai pressed heavily into the side of his throat.
"Don't play with me," Tenten muttered seriously, looking up at him.
Neji's mouth quirked, threatening to blind her again. His forehead was relaxed though, softening his expression.
"Never," he promised her.
Tenten thinks that loss is like grasping for strings. In the middle of your desperation, you are tireless in trying to catch it, breathless from the exertion, too focused to see anything but what you really want. But then, when it all sets in, when the grief eases and grows to a softer, more gentle pain, you can be at peace. The string might flutter about your face, but you are not so inclined to grab it just yet. You're merely happy it's near you, maybe just out of reach, but never so far as to leave your sight completely.
Tenten opens her eyes and lets her scroll fall to the ground.
:)
I wanted to see a strong Tenten in the end, just like I'm sure we all did. I hope you enjoyed it.
Let me know what you thought!