Soul Feast
1
It was another bleak, dismissal day in Quahog, Rhode Island, Death discovered as he glanced down at the urban town that sprawled out miles and leagues below him. He was perched on a dark, gloomy cloud, trying to block out his mother as she scolded him for still being single.
He didn't know how many times he was going to have to tell her that he couldn't help being a virgin. Being Death was a curse. Women didn't want to go out with you because you smelt like decaying flesh and they didn't want to kiss you because your mouth was full of maggots.
Shuddering, Death pulled his black cloak closer to himself and grimaced. Not for the first time he wished he was human. He longed to have flesh and blood. Oh, what he wouldn't give to have a heart pumping blood behind his ribcage…
He suddenly got the urge to go for a walk. After all, it was a perfect day for a stroll. There was death and violence everywhere.
"I'm going out mother!" he informed his old woman as he rose from the black, ominous cloud he had been sitting on nearly all day. His mother, now very angry, stepped out of the house.
"Fine! Just go and feed on all that destruction! See if I care!" she hollered. Death sighed and vanished from the cloud. It was time for a soul feast.
2
Brian's bewildered gaze swept across the vast landscape of doom. He couldn't believe Stewie had accomplished such a horrific feat. The evil baby had actually destroyed the world.
But how did he do it? Brian wondered, feeling the cold wind ripple through his white, ruffled fur. He knew there was a slim chance that his question would be answered.
Wait. He couldn't give up hope yet. There was still a hopeful chance. He could always seek out Death, who could literally turn back time.
Brian winced at the thought of the Grim Reaper. The last time the Specter of Death had helped his family out of a jam was when Peter had screwed up his relationship with his wife, Lois.
In the aftermath of that little mishap, Death had repeatedly sent Brian and Peter back through time so they could have a chance to save the Griffins' marriage.
In the end, everything had turned out well. Peter and Lois remained a couple while Meg, Chris, and Stewie continued living as their poor, unfortunate children. They had been the perfect, dysfunctional family when they became casualties in all of this awful mess.
Shaking his head despairingly, Brian shot a glance down Spooner St., which was completely deserted. He could only see piles of dead bodies stretching for miles and miles away.
Then, suddenly, a tall, dark figure appeared amongst all the misery. As the strange figure approached Brian, the dog immediately knew who the newcomer was.
"Death. Wow. Big surprise seeing you here," the forlorn canine snapped. Death chuckled.
"Why are you being like that for? You're still alive, somehow," the skeleton noted, sounding displeased. Brian felt his tail droop.
"Could you help me?" he asked. An evil grin flashed within the darkness of Death's hood.
"What is it this time?" he wondered dauntingly. Brian shrugged.
"I was just curious…could you turn back time again? You know…make all of this vanish?" he questioned. Death harrumphed.
"Hell, no! I'm not helping you again! Not after last time! Besides, I'm hungry. I've got some souls to harvest!" he exclaimed. Brian sighed.
"Well, it was worth a try," he muttered. Death placed a bony hand over one of the dog's slumped shoulders.
"Hey, there's still another way you can solve this thing," he whispered. Brian's ears shot up.
"What? How?" he demanded. Death patted him on the back.
"Find the Creator," he suggested. Brian stared inquisitively up at him.
"You mean God?" he queried. Death shook his shrouded skull.
"No. I mean the other guy, the one who drew you," he said. Brian narrowed his eyes.
"Where do I start looking?" he wanted to know. Death started to walk away.
"If I were you, I would find Stewie first. Then you could go looking for the other Big Guy," he shouted over his shoulder. Brian watched in disbelief as Death kneeled down before a man's body in order to claim the human's soul.
Though slightly disgusted by this point, Brian turned his back on the gruesome sight and walked away. At least now he had something to look for.
3
Stewie smiled. Studying his handiwork, he felt morbidly pleased.
The world is mine! He thought triumphantly, standing tall and proud atop a rock that outcropped from a hill. Never before had he felt so free, so powerful, so …
"…screwed!"
Stewie, caught off guard, jumped. He cursed as he lost his footing and fell to the ground. Looking up from the grass, he sputtered when he discovered who had spoken.
"B-Brian! Why aren't you dead, damn it all!" he roared, getting to his feet. Brian stood as still as a statue.
"What have you done?" he shouted. Stewie didn't flinch.
"What I've always dreamed of doing – ruling the world!" he shot back. Brian produced a small smile.
"Somebody's been watching too much Pinky and the Brain," he taunted. Somewhat affronted, Stewie snorted.
"What do you know? You're just a worthless little puppy! Why are you here, dog?" the evil little genius snapped.
Brian barked, "Because I've come to find you! I've come to stop your madness!"
Stewie shouted, "You can't stop me! I'm all powerful!"
"I doubt that," Brian grunted, crouching to all floors. The dog barred his fangs. "Come and fight me!"
Stewie looked annoyed. Clapping his hands, he jeered, "Oh, somebody's being a bad boy! Well, let's see how you like this, dog!"
Swiftly Stewie drew a blaster from behind his back. Inching his tiny fingers toward the trigger, the baby aimed the gun at Brian, and fired.
Brian leaped over the oncoming bullet and launched himself at Stewie, who braced himself against the dog's attack by dropping to the ground. The toddler concealed his face with his gun, which was crudely knocked out of his grasp.
"Surrender!" Brian shouted. Drool was dripping from his fangs. Stewie chuckled nervously.
"Oh, surely you wouldn't kill me Brian? I mean, we've been through so much together!" he pleaded.
Brian, suddenly swamped by memories, wearily closed his eyes. Indeed, he and Stewie were two of a kind. They had traveled everywhere together.
Then again, there were those other times when Stewie had nearly beaten the life out of Brian, who had found himself drenched in blood after several of his fights with Stewie.
This will be the last fight, Brian vowed silently to himself, and lowered his fangs toward Stewie's head.
"Ha! I'm not going down that easily!" Stewie suddenly yelled. Brian leaped backwards in shock as the baby unexpectedly leaped to his feet, shoving Brian to the ground.
"Farewell, dog!" Stewie alleged. Brian watched, stupefied, as the baby went to pull the trigger again. This time, a deadly shot ran out across the landscape, startling the local wildlife.
Faintly, Brian could hear the distorted sounds of birds cawing as he felt blood trail down one of his legs. Stewie had shot him.
"Oh, look, the poor doggie's been shot! Who shot the poor doggie?" Stewie said mockingly, his bulbous eyes gleaming with an evil glint. He was getting ready to throw another one of his sexy parties when Death abruptly reappeared.
"Now was all that necessary?" the Reaper asked. Stewie jumped.
"Why, it's a pleasure seeing you again, but why must you hinder my plans for world domination?" he yelled.
As Death erupted into laughter, Brian slowly lurched to his feet. When Stewie was distracted, the dog limped away from the demented toddler's sight and snuck up behind the child, who, seconds later, fell to the ground. Brian had killed him.
"Wow, excellent work, my friend! Thank you for the extra feast! Just for that, I think I'll help you out," Death offered. Exhausted, Brian slowly raised his head up.
"How?" he whispered. Death was smiling his Cheshire cat grin.
"By sending you to California. That's where the Big Guy lives. Now, off you go!" Death said, snapping his slender fingers. In a flash Brian was whisked away from the horror that had become Quahog.
4
Standing in a gigantic room that was part of a monstrous mansion, Brian swayed. He groped for the support of a nearby table.
"Now, how did you get here?"
Brian jumped as he heard the voice. It sounded so deep and soothing. In fact, it was quite similar to his voice.
"I'm s-sorry, what?" he stammered, scanning the room for the voice's owner. Several seconds later, he found a large desk that was planted at the center of the room. The man sitting behind the desk swerved to face him.
"How did you get here?" the guy repeated. Studying him, Brian saw that his hair was short and dark. His face was handsome and his eyes beamed mockingly at him.
"Uh, Death sent me here. Look, are you the Big Guy?" Brian asked, feeling like a laughingstock. The man chuckled.
"I guess I am one big guy, if you know my work," he said, sweeping one of his hands across the other side of the room, where a wall of cartoonish pictures faced Brian.
The dog, taking a closer look at the pictures, gulped. He was seeing pictures of every member of the Griffin family, including himself.
"So, you're the guy who created me?" he asked awkwardly. The Big Guy chuckled.
"I guess so. My name's Seth, though, not Big Guy," he muttered. Brian smiled weakly.
"Look, in case you haven't noticed, my leg's all shot up and I would like to get back home. There's a problem with that, though," he explained.
"Yes, I've been working on that. Come here, I want to show you something," Seth urged.
Too tired to even think, Brian followed Seth to the other side of the room. Brian became slightly sheepish as Seth slowly bent down to open a cabinet.
"I've had this in my family for awhile now but I think I'll just use it on you," he said, and Brian jumped backwards as Seth brought forth a mean-looking bat.
"Hey, what are you doing?" Brian shouted. Seth made an evil smirk.
"Making sure you don't interfere with my creations!" he cried. Brian closed his eyes as the deranged cartoonist swung the bat down on his head.
5
Brian, blinking, opened his eyes. He found himself back in a familiar room.
"Hey, dog! How long have you been awake?" a menacing voice demanded. Trembling, Brian rolled over on his side and saw Stewie standing over him.
"What? How did you get here? How come you're still alive?"
Stewie shook his head at the dog's questions.
"I bashed you in the head with my tricycle after Lois enticed me into a temper tantrum! You've been knocked out for days now and the bloody woman won't shut up!" he grumbled. Brian grinned.
"So, you didn't destroy the world? None of that other stuff happened? Jasper's still alive?" he had to ask. Stewie frowned.
"What is it with you and questions? You're worse than Peter when he watches a high-quality PBS program. Just shut up and come down!" he ordered. Brian watched as the baby pounded out of the room and down the steps. Everything seemed back to normal.
6
"Well, look who's back, Lois!" Peter announced, provoking his wife to look away from him. She searched the living room until she caught sight of Brian treading down the stairs after Stewie.
"Oh, Brian! It's so good to see you!" Lois cried, running at Brian. Scooping the dog up in her arms, she began to coo and nudge at him playfully. Peter rolled his eyes.
"Jeez, Lois," he griped, slanting his beady little eyes to the TV screen. He was watching an old rerun of Robot Wars.
"It's good to be back, Lois," Brian said, giving the red-headed woman a lick on the cheek. At that moment, the world seemed just right.
THE END