Title- Over Before It Began
Author- Kàra
Rating- PG-13, for just a little language and innuendo
Summary- Logan deals with losing Rory Gilmore for the last time... and a total Lit, just for the record.
A/N- Blame Rainbow Moonshine for this one. I read Don't Know How to Say Goodbye and the thought of taking Logan's perspective on the sequence of events we all know happened post-finale just struck me and here it is. I'm not fond of it. It was my first time really trying to write Logan effectively, and I just can't. The guy's... well, the inside of his head is just bland, to me.
I should've known. I should've seen it coming, but I didn't.
It was partially my fault, I guess. I was the one who broke things off. After all, she didn't say "no." She said "not yet." I was the one who wasn't willing to wait. I was an idiot.
When I met him, I could tell something was up. He looked at her like he wanted to devour her. She looked at him in a way she'd never looked at me. But they hadn't seen each other in years, so I dismissed it. No big thing. He'd be gone, and he'd take his book and his sinuous words with him.
Only she kept a copy of the book. I found it tucked between the bedframe and the mattress in our apartment- my apartment, actually, the place that I paid for. Across several pages the ink had run; there were tearstains scattered across them. Slipped between those particular, tear-stained pages was a piece of paper, with several crossed-out beginnings to a letter.
Dear Jess, you will never know how sorry I am for what I did tonight.
Dear Jess, I hate myself
Dear Jess, I don't expect you to forgive me, but I have to write this letter anyway because
Dear Jess, tonight was a mistake. Not coming to see you. I'm glad I did that. But not being upfront with you was so wrong of me. I had no idea you still felt that way about me and I am so sorry that
Dear Jess, firstly, I want you to know that I will always care for you. I have this horrible feeling that I've been incredibly cruel to you, and I just need to let you know that hurting you was never my intention. It's just that... well, I love Logan. I can't change that, but right now, looking back on what happened a few hours ago, I think I would if I could. I don't ever want to see the look in your eyes that I saw tonight, it's killing me inside and I
I ignored these unfinished thoughts and letters. I didn't want to rock the boat. Who cared if she still had some weird, lingering feelings for her ex? I'd heard someone somewhere say that people, especially women, always cared for their exes a little. Having no experience there myself, I didn't have the right to judge. Besides, she'd picked me, hadn't she? I was the one making love to her at night.
I was an idiot.
I've lost Rory time and again. I lost her the first time he came around. I lost her when she found out what (rather, who) I did after that (but honestly, I really meant it when I said those girls meant nothing). I lost her a little bit when I went to London, even if we were still together in name, and whenever I managed to get back. And the last time I lost her, it was my own stupid fault. She said "not yet." Not "never," just "not yet," and I was too naive and too stupid to wait for her.
Apparently Rory likes guys who are willing to wait. Apparently she likes guys who don't touch a woman in years because they're just holding on to the idea of her (god, I can sympathize now, buddy).
I got the invitation to their wedding today. Clearly Lorelai had a hand in picking out the design, and Emily was given absolutely no input. It was very simple, and inside was a picture of the two of them, sitting in the gazebo in Stars Hollow, arms around each other. Their heads were bent together. Rory was laughing, an expression of absolute delight on her face I have never seen there before.
At least he makes her happy. If she doesn't stay that way, I'll kill him.
From what I hear (Finn, oddly enough, is still in contact with Rory. Apparently they're quite good friends, and Writer Boy gets a real kick out of my Australian friend), they got together about three months after we broke up. They dated long-distance (that thing I wasn't willing to do) while she was working some job tailing Obama around. He drove to Chicago and proposed on election night.
I wanted to give her everything. I wanted to make her everything she could be. But apparently she doesn't want what I could have offered her. Apparently she doesn't want safety and security and someone who loves her unconditionally. Apparently she wants... well, a studio apartment in Philadelphia and whatever it is he's got that she likes so much. I don't think I've ever met a girl who would pick him over me.
Maybe that's why I love her- because she isn't like any other girl. Maybe I'm just a damn masochist who fell in love with the one girl who wants romance and excitement and strange living arrangements more than she wants to be protected.
Does he protect her? Does he take care of her? I don't know. From the look on his face in that picture in the invitation, I'd have to say yes. It's the look of a guy who's so in love, he would do anything for the object of his affections. I know that look well, from getting used to it on my own face.
At least he cares about her. At least he's not always the jackass he's rumored to be.
At least, at least. Who gives a damn about at least? I should just let this shit go. It's been two years. But then again, from what I've been told, no man is able to get over Rory Gilmore.
The simple fact of the matter is, I don't think I ever really had her. I think she was always waiting for him, in a way. I caught a glimpse of it that one time I saw them together, and if the years had diminished whatever it was between them then, well... No, I don't think I ever really had Rory. I was just borrowing her for awhile.
Like checking out a book from Jess Mariano's library.