Author's note: It's been quite awhile hasn't it? College has taken up most of my time these past few years, but I managed to write a story about a pairing that I haven't seen too often which I think is a shame since they have ridiculous amounts of chemistry imo. Hope you enjoy!
Between Form and Formless
Her body melded into the seat cushion, and though the bus rode over potholes and curbs, Shimako Toudou did not fight the forceful movement in order to retain a secure sense of balance. Instead, she swayed along with the movement. Her body shifted left, right, up, down, forwards, backwards, and yet, Shimako noticed only the scenery of Tokyo as it eroded from towering steel buildings to a more humble green earth.
And even that held her attention only briefly.
For once, Shimako was physically tired. Not emotionally, not mentally, not religiously, but a physical tiredness that saturated the body and propelled pain with each movement she made.
Shimako tucked a stain of hair behind her ear, and rather than grimacing at the onslaught of pain shooting through her arm, she smiled at its cause.
For the past three hours, Shimako worked alongside Yumi and Yoshino, making chocolates as thank you gifts for White Day. While the work was only bothersome in its tediousness, Shimako ignored the frustration that came along with the mundane routines and instead, cherished the company of her two best friends and wondered at her good fortune. Prior to Lillian High School, Shimako never really had a friend, and now, she was constantly surrounded by people who cared for her, and though she tried not to at first, she cared for them in return.
Friendship. It was a nice though overwhelming feeling.
However, when it came to Shizuka, Shimako wasn't sure if that sentiment was necessarily true.
The peaceful expression on her face eroded into one of discomfort.
Shimako sighed as she reached inside her school bag, pulled out an unwrapped black box, and settled the gift on her lap. Her fingers traced the gold Italian lettering, eyes searching for any hidden meaning, and even though her Italian wasn't as good as it used to be, Shimako knew it said chocolates, though she never did figured out why Shizuka had sent them to her for Valentines Day.
Perhaps Shizuka wanted to send them as a show of appreciation or something of the sort Shimako had reasoned once she had received the box in the mail. She herself had considered sending Shizuka chocolates for the day as well. Though that hypothesis proved untrue when she saw the note attached to the gift.
Remember our date?
Shimako did indeed remember their date, and all the confusing, frustrating, and exhilarating feelings that went with it. However, Shimako did not understand Shizuka's sentiment behind the gift. Perhaps it was a symbol of how far the two had come, or just a small reminder that Shizuka had remember the date as well.
Though to be completely honest Shimako believed Shizuka only sent the gift to unsettle her. For a laugh whenever the older girl thought of Shimako's perplexed expression.
No matter. Shimako would give her a gift in return regardless of her thoughts on the matter. She was not one to be rude, and if Shizuka managed to send those chocolates sincerely, then she would commemorate the supposed impossible with a gift in return. Such was the custom.
She shook Shizuka away from her head, empting her mind as an awareness of sight flooded her. She was on the bus, and thankfully she hadn't missed her stop. The bus continued to pass over curbs and potholes. Shimako continued to move along with it.
She leaned her head against the window as her eyes traced the curves of the small wisps of white that littered the sky. The clouds floated along, undaunted by those on Earth, and while they held no image to distinguish them besides their color and their placement in the sky, the longer Shimako stared at the clouds she found her mind giving them structure much like the objects she saw in her daily life. She saw umbrellas, trees, and even rabbits in the white fluff, but why would her mind do that? Why would her mind try to find form in the formless? Why weren't they allowed to just be?
The bus rode over a particularly large pothole. Shimako grabbed hold of her seat to maintain her balance, her previous thoughts forgotten. Before Shimako could fully regain her bearings, the bus stopped. Thankfully, it was her stop.
Once off the bus, Shimako climbed the stairs to the entrance of her home, noticing for once the darkening sky. How long did she stay with Yumi-san and Yoshino-san at the Rose Mansion?
Shimako stepped through the door and had one moment to relax before she was once again bombarded by the expectations from the outside world.
"Hello Shimako."
Shimako internally sighed before turning towards her father and bowing, a forced smile on her lips. "Good day Father."
Her father nodded in acknowledgement from his place on the couch and, never taking his eyes off his newspaper, pointed at the stack of papers on the far side of the coffee table.
"There's a letter in there for you."
Shimako's heart began to race. Only one person wrote to her. Calmly she told herself as she headed towards the stack. Walk calmly.
Shimako picked up the sack, and after passing various bills and fliers, her eyes landed on the crisp lettering of Shizuka Kanina's handwriting. She stared at the envelop for a moment, a small smile on her lips. Then grabbing the envelope, she quickly headed to the privacy of her room.
Shimako's father, noticing the slight quirk of Shimako's lips as she walked out of the room, refrained from telling his only daughter about the unexpected call he received earlier that day. Instead, he smiled as he leaned back against his seat and listened for the knock on the door that was sure to come.
Once alone in her room, Shimako released a breathe she didn't know she was holding, and whether it was one of anxiousness or one of excitement, Shimako refused to take the time to analyze it. Instead, she placed her school bag off to the side and sat on her bed and prepared herself to read Shizuka's letter. When her fingernail was about to rip open the seal, Shimako paused. Even though she had completed the night's schoolwork earlier in the day, she still had one more item that needed to be completed, and no amount of anticipation could sway her from her self-imposed martyrdom against procrastination.
She tucked the letter inside her coat pocket, though thoughts of Shizuka never really did leave her mind.
Her blue eyes looked past the discarded knitting needles on her desk and landed on a pair of white knitted gloves. They were Shizuka's White Day present, and though Shimako didn't really understand her own reasoning behind the gift, she thought Shizuka would relish them nonetheless, and if possible, Shimako could throw the older girl off balance for once.
Shimako grabbed the gloves and stared fondly at them as she wondered what the older girl was up to. Considering the seven hour time difference between Italy and Japan, Shimako concluded that Shizuka was in class at the moment, and for her own amusement, Shimako pictured the older girl bored, eyes staring out the window as Shizuka's professor lectured on and on in the background, a contemplative expression on her face. But what was she thinking of?
Before Shimako could the find her answer, Shizuka's image suddenly turned away from the window and her golden eyes pierced through the mental façade Shimako had created and stared right into Shimako's soul. Shimako's heart tightened, and she quickly closed her eyes as she forced the thought from her mind. Even in the safety of her mind and a thousand miles separating the two couldn't protect Shimako from Shizuka's knowing gaze.
A knock at the door startled Shimako away from her thoughts and accelerated her heartbeat once again. The white rose gathered her bearings and suppressed her annoyance at being disturbed as she rose from her seat to let the intruder in, though past experience told her that she would be greeted by her father's cheeky smile.
She opened the door and froze in her spot. While she was greeted by a smile, it did not belong to her father. It belonged to the girl with the golden eyes.
"It's nice to see you Shimako-san." Shizuka greeted from the doorway.
Shimako stared at the older girl with wide eyes. Her mouth opened, a greeting on the tip of her tongue, but she closed it. She tried again, but once again words failed her. Her eyes were held hostage by Shizuka's amused eyes. They stared in silence.
After a few moments, Shimako found her voice.
"I-It's nice to see you too Shizuka-sama." Shimako greeted, a disbelieving smile on her face cloaked in a blush. Though whether this was joy from seeing the older girl or a delusional attempt to mask her anxiety of being caught off guard, Shimako didn't know.
Shizuka remained the epitome of mysterious cool Shimako had always associated with the older girl. While her hair was a few inches longer and her skin was a few shades darker, Shizuka retained her callously knowing golden eyes, though at the moment, they looked at Shimako with a small amount of fondness.
Something stirred within Shimako.
"You know Shimako-san, unmannerly is not a good color on you." Shizuka teased as she peered into the younger girl's room. Realizing that Shizuka was still in the hallway and that she had been staring at her for far too long, Shimako blushed as she motioned for Shizuka to enter.
"I'm sorry. It's just," Shimako licked her lips, not knowing how quite to phrase her feelings. "You exist."
Shizuka raised her brow, a teasing lit to her voice. "So for the past few months did you think you were writing to a ghost?"
Shimako laughed, shaking her head, the tension from early dissipating as Shimako motioned for Shizuka to take a seat on her bed.
"That's not what I meant. It's just a surprise is all. I thought of you and then you appear, and while that in itself isn't that grand, considering that I thought you were in Italy, it's quite a shock."
Shizuka stared in confusion. "Didn't your father tell you I was coming? I called earlier…"
"…he didn't," Shimako stated, a small hint of annoyance for her father. Though to make sure Shizuka didn't think the annoyance was targeted at her, Shimako smiled warmly. "But it's still a pleasant surprise nonetheless."
Shizuka raised her eyebrow.
"Really?"
Before she could process the skeptical lit in Shizuka's voice, Shimako knew she had to refute it.
"Yes." She answered suddenly. A spark of surprise appeared in Shizuka's eyes before amusement took place once again. Though there was something else in those eyes that Shimako couldn't quite name.
Shimako looked away in embarrassment. Sudden words are close to the heart. Didn't she say that once?
Gathering her bearings, Shimako turned and met Shizuka's eyes, and for the first time, wondered why the older girl was even in Japan.
"Why are you here in Japan? Does your school have a break?" Shimako inquired as she leaned against the desk that was facing Shizuka.
Shizuka shook her head.
"No, my great aunt passed away. I've just come from the wake."
For the first time, Shimako noticed the dark suit draping Shizuka's body, the black gloves covering her slender fingers, and the black boots concealing her feet. Before she allowed her mind to wander any farther, Shimako turned with sympathetic eyes to Shizuka.
"I'm sorry for your lost."
Shizuka waved off the condolences with her hand, though a rueful smile appeared on her lips. "Thank you, but to be honest, I don't really mind. I didn't know her well, and she passed away in her sleep. She lived to be ninety-two. It was her time to go."
Shimako nodded.
"When do you head back?"
"Tomorrow afternoon."
"You don't have much time do you?"
Shizuka shrugged as she stared at Shimako, offering a small smile as a response. A wave of self-consciousness engulfed Shimako, and not wanting to be under Shizuka's scrutiny, she left the room with the pretense of making tea. After, of course, making sure that Shizuka was comfortable.
Once Shimako stepped into the kitchen, a platter of tea was thrust upon her hands. After regaining her balance from the onslaught, Shimako found the amused eyes of her father.
Shimako attempted to glare.
"You knew she was going to visit today and you didn't tell me?!"
Ignoring what Shimako said, her father turned her shoulders around and gently pushed her out the kitchen, saying, "now, now don't leave your guest waiting."
Once he knew Shimako was out of earshot, her father laughed aloud before returning to his newspaper.
Shimako entered her room, finding it to be emptying. While she briefly considered that Shizuka had simply been bored with her and left, the shoes by the door told Shimako that her guest was still somewhere in the house.
Feeling a slight breeze to her right, Shimako turned and saw that her side door was open and in the shadows she could see the outline of Shizuka's back sitting on her porch.
Shimako walked to her.
Before she could open her mouth, Shizuka spoke. "Could we drink the tea out here? It's a lovely night, though it's a bit chilly. Though I suppose that's what the tea is for."
Shizuka turned her head in Shimako's direction and perhaps it was the moon's trickery or just the night's truthfulness, but the undertone of hostility that Shizuka usually wore had vanished and left in its wake was Shizuka. Unguarded.
Shimako, intrigued and a bit frighten by the sudden revelation, nodded her head and silently poured the two of them tea. She handed Shizuka her cup and settled right next to the older girl.
They sipped in silence.
Shizuka spoke first. "I'm sorry for showing up unannounced. I thought your father would have told you that I called, but it seems that he didn't."
Shimako dismissed Shizuka's apology with a wave of her hand. "Don't worry about it. He seems to enjoy putting me in these sorts of predicaments."
Shizuka chuckled as she fiddled with her cup, not quite meeting Shimako's eyes. "So I'm a predicament?"
"If you enjoy twisting my words so much, then yes. You are a predicament." Shimako coolly replied, and much to Shimako's confusion, Shizuka laughed.
"Shimako-san seems to have developed a bit of a bite."
Shimako ignored the comment, and asked, "Have you seen anyone else?"
Shizuka thought for a moment. "I saw Yumi-san earlier today, though that was by coincidence. We meet at the bus station, apparently right after you left to catch your bus."
"We just missed each other."
"We just missed each other." Shizuka repeated. A bitter smile appeared on her lips as she shook her head and met Shimako's eyes. "Anyways, I haven't seen anyone besides the two of you. What with the suddenness of the funeral, I didn't really have time to make plans, but I did make sure to see you."
"And why's that?"
"Partly because you once mentioned that the shrine had visitors all through the night so I figured I wouldn't cause that much of a disturbance." Eyes naked, Shizuka continued, smiling at Shimako. "But mainly it's because I wanted to see you."
A silence fell upon the duo, and the intensity of Shizuka's eyes caused Shimako to turn away, mouth dry, heart racing, and before Shimako had the chance to apologize for her rudeness, Shizuka began to speak again.
"It's weird. When I first left Japan, I was so detached from it at that point that I didn't even feel a single drop of sadness when the plane ascended into the air. I was ready to leave. To start this new chapter in my life, but after living in a foreign country and having a foreign tongue and coming back home, it'll be hard to go back to Italy."
Shimako forced herself not to react to the honest confession and stared blankly ahead. She had detected an air of loneliness in the older girl's letters, but to hear it infused in her usually strong voice was disconcerting. She couldn't comment on the loneliness. It wasn't in their nature to do so. Instead, she said,
"You've had a taste of what you longed for and now it'll disappear into a memory."
Shizuka was stilled by the words that hit too close to home. Briefly, the kiss that Sei had given her sprang to mind, but she shook the memory away and the thought that came with it.
"Something like that." She took a breath. "That's why I enjoy your letters so much. It's a connection to Japan that isn't forced by blood. You know, I didn't think you would write back after the first letter."
Surprised, Shimako asked why.
"I know you think that when I look at you I can read your soul line by line, but I can't. Sometimes, it's just obvious what you're thinking and sometimes I just make assumptions that end up being correct most of the time. Even though I left Lillian knowing you held no ill feelings towards me, I wasn't sure if you wanted me in your life. I expected at least one letter because you wouldn't leave a letter unanswered. That would be rude." Shizuka smiled. "Thank you for that."
"I've never hated you Shizuka-sama. Resented at times. Yes. Especially during the elections and at times during our Valentines Day date. You understood me, and you were callous about it. Only three people at Lillian have ever understood me. Sei-sama understood the darkness inside me because it was exactly like hers. She would keep her distance because there's something unnerving about seeing your weakness reflected in someone else, though when I needed it, she would be near. Letting me know there was a kindred soul nearby. Noriko, on the other hand, doesn't have the same darkness but she seems to understand it. She never probed me about it, never made me feel uncomfortable, and always offered a hand in case I needed it. "
Shimako turned to Shizuka, eyes hardening a bit. "Now you. You know where my darkness is and you touch it. You forced me to acknowledge it, and I resented you for it."
"I'm-"
"Don't." Shimako cut off. "You have nothing to apologize for. While it was hostile at times, I needed to see myself. I tend to shield away from it."
Shimako grabbed Shizuka's hand and held it in hers to empathize her point. Shizuka looked down at their conjoined hands and smiled.
"You're an interesting person." Shizuka remarked.
Shimako blushed, but she didn't turn away from Shizuka's eyes this time. Instead, Shimako smiled as a nervousness settled in her stomach.
"As are you Shizuka-sama." She responded.
Silence engulfed the two as they stared at the sky, trying to decipher the emotions running rampant throughout both their minds. Their hands stayed interlocked, with the occasional caress that was daring them to do more.
Shimako felt dizzy with excitement and nervousness and to distract herself from her current predicament, she pointed to the sky.
"The sky is beautiful tonight isn't it?" She whispered, getting Shizuka's attention. "You can see Orion."
"Constellations are interesting don't you think?" Shizuka asked as she touched her chin thoughtfully with her free hand. "They never look like what they're named after, and yet, we won't call them by any thing else. They're a form to the formless, and because of that, the sky doesn't seem as scary as it should."
"Like the labels we place on each other. Daughter, student, Onee-sama, petite seour, and all the obligations that come with it. Something to outline the formless shape of the human soul."
Shizuka nodded her head. "Do you ever wonder what you desire most? These obligations tend to erode our desire and in their wake we're left with the more acceptable ones. Forget for a moment that you're Toudou Shimako, that you're a daughter, a student, the current Rosa Gigantea. You're just you. What do you want?"
Shimako blushed, not knowing what to say. She looked away from Shizuka. What did she desire?
"It's not a crime to desire something." Shizuka pacified as she gave Shimako's hand a small a squeeze.
"But there might be consequences if I say it out loud." Shimako whispered.
She felt a hand on her jaw, and though she wanted to fight it, Shimako followed the gentle force and meet the soft eyes of Shizuka. They weren't piercing, they weren't laughing. They were honest and maybe even just a bit daring.
"You'll never know Shimako-san."
And with that, and the way Shizuka was looking at her, and the way the moon shrouded the duo in a darkness that only they could see past, Shimako leaned in and pressed her lips against Shizuka's. A swirl of emotions erupted inside both girls as the softness of their lips became ingrained in their memories. As Shizuka's lips moved against hers, Shimako felt lightheaded and the burning sensation settling in her stomach wanted more. So much more.
This was desire.
When they pulled apart, breathless, enchanted, none of those swirling emotions showed on their faces except for a small dusting of red on their cheeks and dark hooded eyes.
They were content, and though a part of them wanted to know what it all meant, that sort of analysis could be pushed back for another day. They stayed put with their hands intertwined, but before time could escape them like they both wish it would, Shizuka announced that she had to leave.
"My flight is at two, and I still haven't finished packing." Shizuka explained, an unconcealed lit of disappointment in her voice.
Shimako nodded as both girls arose from their seats and headed inside. As Shizuka put on her shoes, Shimako eyed Shizuka's White Day present, and though there were a few more touches she wanted to make, the desire to see Shizuka's reaction outweighed any other pressing matter.
"Shizuka-sama," Shimako called out as she walked to the desk and grabbed the gloves, hiding them behind her back. "Before you leave, I have something for you. For White Day and all."
"You didn't have to." Shizuka said, her voice a little softer than usual, and though she had expected the younger girl to give her a gift in return, it touched her nonetheless.
"But I wanted to, and besides, I have to show you some token of appreciation."
Shizuka chuckled as she reached for Shimako's outreached palm. Inspecting the cloth in her hands, Shizuka realized they were a pair of white gloves.
Shimako began to explain. "I'm not sure how cold it gets in Italy, but I thought you might like them, and this way your hands won't get so cold."
Shizuka inspected the gloves. "Did you make them yourself?"
At Shimako's conformation, Shizuka removed her black gloves and tried on Shimako's.
They were a good fit.
Shizuka wiggled her fingers before meeting Shimako's eyes, and with a soft smile said "Thank you Shimako-san. I love them."
"I'm glad you do." They shared a smiled, and though they didn't say anything, they knew something shifted in their existence today. Before time could escape them once again, Shimako said, "let me walk you out."
When the pair reached the entrance of the shrine, they finally let go of each other's hand as they faced each other in the moonlight.
Shizuka placed her hands in her pockets as her golden eyes looked at Shimako with a warmness that Shimako had never seen before in the older girl. "Thank you Shimako-san for the gloves and for this evening."
"I should be thanking you." Shimako stated bashfully, thoughts of the kiss dictating her mind. "I rather enjoyed it."
"Next time though can we have a conversation that isn't so emotionally draining?" Shizuka teased.
Shimako laughed. "Is that even possible with us?"
Shizuka shrugged. "We can try?"
"Okay then, it's a date."
"A date? My my my Shimako-san, you sure are forward."
Shimako smiled coyly. "When the time comes, we'll see what we call it. Are you still visiting for the summer?"
"I am."
Shizuka removed her gloves and cupped the younger girl's cheek, her fingertips memorizing every line and curve on Shimako's pale skin. Shimako stayed in place watching the intent gaze of Shizuka's golden eyes, enraptured.
After a few moments, Shizuka ruefully removed her fingers.
"Goodbye Shimako."
"Goodbye Shizuka."
And though their lips ached to touch once again, they withheld themselves for the promise of next time.
With one last look, Shizuka turned away and headed back into the night in which she came. Shimako watched her until even the false image of her back had vanished before heading back inside.
She was meet with the expecting eyes of her father.
"How did it go?" He asked, looking outside incase he could see Shizuka's retreating form.
"It was fine." Shimako answered, a wistful lit to her voice that only those that knew her well could detect.
Her father raised an eyebrow. "Just fine?" He doubted the dazed look on his daughter's face equated to fine.
Shimako smiled, coyly, mysteriously. It put her father at unease. "My definition of fine and your definition of fine seem to be completely different. Goodnight Father."
"Goodnight Shimako." Her father mumbled as he watched his daughter retreat to her room, wondering what exactly had happened.
When Shimako entered her room, she sat on her bed, relinquishing in the rudiments of Shizuka's warmth in the covers as she reached into her pocket and pulled out her neglected letter. She opened it and read the contents.
As her eyes read through lines filled with descriptions of Shizuka's daily life in Italy, towards the bottom of her page, her eyes landed on the words Remember our date?
But unlike the curt note attached to the chocolates, the letter went further to explain the message.
Remember our date? Because I do and think about it from time to time. I remembered telling you something along the lines of your interesting me, and while that was true, there was something else there. I realized now that was when I started caring for you, and after writing to each other for these past few months, the sentiment has grown and grown. I never realized how important you are to me, but the question is "in what way?"
Sincerely,
Kanina Shizuka
Shimako caressed the words with her fingertips and then caressed her lips. She smiled and for once, all seem right with the world. Her insides were calm though a bit warm, and though she didn't know exactly what she and Shizuka were at the moment, she found no need to try to define it. She was content as she was.
Her eyes fell on her black bag, and she thought that perhaps tomorrow she would eat those chocolates.
As she sat up from her bed to prepare to go to sleep, her eyes landed on Shizuka's forgotten black gloves and though she could easily take them to Shizuka in the morning, she knew the older girl had purposely left them in her care.
Away from peering eyes, Shimako tried them on.
They were a nice fit.
FIN