A/N: Complete cracky humor gone fluffy. First attempt at anything funny, enjoy :D.
insert disclaimer here
Camelot's Hopeless Romantics
Gwen and Morgana were NOT perverts. At least, not in their opinion. No, they were just "observant," that's all. They couldn't pinpoint the exact moment when the notion had first came to their heads, but all they knew for sure at this point was that Prince Arthur and his manservant, Merlin, were without a doubt, completely, irrevocably in love with each other.
Morgana had always noticed the way that Arthur was a completely different person when it came to Merlin. He prized this idiot above his own safety and went into mortal peril just to bring Merlin a pretty flower...
Gwen thought it was cute the way Merlin was always worrying about Arthur and would do anything for this prat. Also, she didn't forget how Merlin moaned for Arthur to go "faster" whist asleep and sweating...
And these were just the first few examples that Gwen and Morgana had in their memories. They had both also seen the way Merlin gently dressed and prepared Arthur for the upcoming day, the way Arthur would stare at Merlin, as if Arthur was amazed by Merlin beyond words. And, of course, there was the epic banter of denial between the two.
Eventually, Gwen and Morgana decided to spend their free time following the two lovebirds, hoping to see the first public display of their true affections for each other.
They knew that it was coming soon, because Morgana told Gwen that Arthur told her that Merlin had told Arthur that he was happy to serve the Prince until the day he died. The two girls squealed at the retelling of the sweet words. They had to know more about this blossoming romance.
Gwen stared finding out the days that Merlin would stay the nights in Arthur's chambers. On those nights, Gwen and Morgana would creep to Arthur's chamber door and eavesdrop, hoping to hear the lovers declaring their feelings or some other romantic display.
One night, they got more than they bargained for.
Gwen and Morgana were pressing their ears against the opposite ends of the door when they heard Merlin's muffled voice.
"Is that all, sire?"
"Yes. No. I don't know, Merlin." Gwen and Morgana gave each other confused looks from across the door.
Arthur's voice continued, but it seemed more delicate than it had ever sounded before. "Unless, you know some way to get me to sleep. I'm just ..."
"Nervous about tomorrow's tournament?" Merlin offered.
"No," Arthur quickly hissed, "I've told you, princes don't get nervous. I'm just finding it, err, difficult to get tired enough for sleep."
There was a pause. Morgana and Gwen pressed their ears harder against the thick doors, not wanting to miss the next words.
When Merlin responded, it took everything Gwen and Morgana had not to gasp in anticipation as the scene of what was happening inside began forming in their minds.
"I know what will send you to sleep." Merlin's voice seemed deeper, almost seductive.
"Merlin," Arthur started, "What is that?"
Gwen and Morgana's jaws dropped and they looked knowingly at each other with wide, excited eyes and flushed cheeks.
"Come on, Arthur, it's not like you haven't seen one before."
"Yes, well, I mean what is it for?" Arthur sounded slightly put off.
"Really," Merlin's voice was incredulous, "I would be concerned if you didn't already know what you do with it."
"Okay, Merlin," Gwen and Morgana could hear his blush in his voice, "I know what it's for, but are you really suggesting..."
"Why not, I don't know of many other things that get you tired quite as fast. Haven't you've ever done this before?"
Gwen and Morgana couldn't believe what they were hearing.
Arthur sounded genuinely awkward, "Well, not for a, uhh, long while, and not, umm, with a, err, man."
"Well, it might seem strange, but I think it will help you sleep soundly afterward. I am actually really skilled at this. When I used to do this with Will, he would fall asleep sometimes before I was even done."
Gwen and Morgana couldn't believe Merlin was being so forward and was so experienced in lovemaking. They always saw Merlin as a sweet country boy. The girls both looked at each other with dopey grins painted on their faces from all of these realizations.
"That's just it, Merlin. You were friends with Will, so no one would have thought anything of it. But, you're just my manservant. If anyone knew, we'd never hear the end of it. Just imagine it. If Morgana knew, she'd never stop teasing me."
"I apologize sire, I seem to have overstepped my bounds by offering to help someone I believed to be a friend." Gwen and Morgana's smiles fell and turned to a slight cringe at Merlin's cold, hurt tone.
Arthur's voice was softer with regret, "Come on, Merlin, I didn't mean it like that. It's just that this isn't in your job description."
Merlin's voice was harsher, "Well, it is in my job description as a friend, but obviously, you don't see it that way."
The girls couldn't believe their luck to have overheard both Merlin obviously propositioning the Prince and also the official start of a lover's quarrel, all in the same conversation.
"Don't be li-" Merlin cut Arthur off.
"Since you don't seem to need my services anymore tonight, sire, I will retire to Gaius' chambers." Merlin's voice got louder as he approached the door.
Gwen and Morgana quickly scrambled from the door and hid around the corner from Arthur's chambers.
Arthur's door opened and closed down the passage. Gwen and Morgana peeked around the corner to watch as Merlin stormed away, obviously frustrated.
The two girls looked at each other and shook their heads sadly at the boys' relationship problems. They just hoped that Arthur and Merlin could work things out before the tournament tomorrow.
----------
In Gwen and Morgana's minds, the gods of love had it out for Arthur and Merlin, as the next day, they were still not speaking on good terms. Merlin had not even stayed to help Arthur dress after he delivered Arthur's breakfast.
However, Merlin was with Arthur in his tent helping him prepare at the tournament. And of course, Gwen and Morgana were observing their every interaction from a loose flap in Arthur's tent.
Merlin was readjusting Arthur's armor for the final round of the tournament, obviously taking great care not to meet Arthur's eyes or touch Arthur as much as was to be expected for such a task. Arthur, it seemed, would be having none of that.
"Merlin," he weakly purred, "are you still upset about last night?"
Merlin ignored him, but Arthur still pressed him to speak.
"Merlin, I didn't mean for what I said to sound like that. I think of you higher than a servant. You know that."
Merlin still looked away from Arthur and did not reply as he stood, turned, and walked across the tent to retrieve Arthur's sword. As Merlin returned and handed the sword to Arthur, Arthur caught Merlin's hand on the hilt of the sword. Their eyes met for a fraction of a second, then Merlin looked back down to his feet.
Arthur spoke, slightly more desperate and raised, "Speak to me. Merlin, just look at me!"
Merlin obeyed, but his stance made it obvious to Gwen and Morgana how Merlin was about to react. Merlin's voice was unnaturally cold and disdainful as he muttered clearly, "Is that an order, my lord?"
"NO!" Arthur sounded shocked and incredulous. "Look, Merlin. You're the best friend I've ever had-"
Merlin cut Arthur off, "You have a funny way of showing it, sire."
"STOP. Just call me Arthur!"
Merlin tore his hand from Arthur's as he took a step away, "See, there you go again, having to boss me around."
Arthur stepped forward to erase the distance between them that Merlin created. "I sorry, it's just that I'm used to-"
Merlin was hysterical at this point, "Yeah, I know you're used to treating those close to you like they don't matter, but I'm not going to take it anymore, you prattish clotpole!"
Gwen and Morgana both gasped at Merlin's anger.
Arthur looked as if he had been slapped. He opened his jaw, closed it, then sighed and looked at the tent opening, "I guess I'd better go out there."
Arthur slowly walked toward the tent opening, stopped at the entrance, and looked back at Merlin. Seeing that Merlin was not watching him go, Arthur continued on his way to the arena. Merlin turned and silently watching Arthur's retreating figure.
Softly, he murmured, "Be careful, Arthur."
Gwen and Morgana closed the flap where they had been watching so eagerly a couple moments before, but leaving the tent, they felt only fear and sadness at Merlin and Arthur's fight. Was this the end of Merlin and Arthur's sweet romance?
----------
After the frightening last round of the fight, Gwen and Morgana urgently rushed after Arthur to check to see if he was alright. It had been a close duel. Lord Dryor had knocked Arthur to the ground in a strictly "fight to the fall" duel, but the Lord had proceeded to swing his sword above his head and down, right where Arthur's neck had been.
The girls had noticed Merlin watching horrified from the sidelines and could only imagine what Merlin must have been feeling.
Luckily, the sword seemed to slow on its way down, giving Arthur enough time of his own to roll out of the way, swing his arm to knock Lord Dryor down, and use the Lord's own sword to kill the would-be murderer.
As soon as the Arthur stood up shakily, Merlin was at his side, leading him back to his tent. Merlin wrapped his arm around Arthur to steady him and quickened their pace as soon as he realized Arthur was hurt.
Now, as Gwen and Morgana reached the tent, they heard Merlin's voice almost in tears, "I'm sorry! If you had died out there-"
"I didn't, though."
"I know, but, if you did, I wouldn't have been able to bear it. The last thing I said was that you were a prattish clotpole. And I didn't mean it!"
"I know."
"This fight is all my fault and I'm sorry. I take everything back and," Merlin paused, his voice lowering to a mysterious whisper that the girls could barely hear, "my offer from last night, it still stands."
"Thank you, Merlin, my friend. I accept."
Gwen and Morgana couldn't take it anymore and walked in the tent. As they did so Merlin and Arthur jumped apart, because, as Gwen and Morgana, concluded, they had OBVIOUSLY just embraced and kissed.
Arthur cleared his throat and addressed Merlin quickly, "We'll talk later, Mer-lin. Same time, same place." Arthur clearly was NOT talking about having a conversation.
Merlin turned to leave the tent, pausing at the entrance, and giving Arthur an all too suggestive smirk. Arthur watched Merlin leave the tent arena to complete chores, and if he was obviously admiring a certain part of Merlin's body from the back, Gwen and Morgana weren't going to call him out on it. Gwen and Morgana felt a blush coming over them as joy for the renewed couple seared their hearts.
Arthur turned slightly to the girls and acknowledged them, "Morgana, Gwen!" As they were too flustered to respond, Arthur asked, "What's wrong? Now, don't be shy. I may be Camelot prince and champion, but I too am just a mere mortal, well not that mere..."
Morgana groaned loudly at Arthur's prattiness and dragged Gwen from the tent. They would just stop by Arthur's chambers later this evening to get their gossip.
----------
As Morgana and Gwen leaned again the door, Gwen slightly hunched and Morgan leaning up and over her maid, they both were amazing and excited at their perfect timing.
Merlin was teasing Arthur, "Are you ready?"
"Yes!" Arthur sounded beyond eager.
"Are you sure?"
"Yes." He sounded less enthusiastic.
"Really?"
"Yup." Arthur sounded more rushed and eager.
"Completely?"
"I guess." Arthur tried to hurry Merlin along, but Merlin was obviously enjoying his power over the prince.
"You don't sound ready!"
"I AM!" Arthur sounded pitifully anxious at this point.
"Are you sure?" Merlin sounded on the verge of laughter.
"OHHH GODS! Merlin, just finish it!" Gwen and Morgana bit their tongues to keep from laughing at Arthur, the mere mortal, indeed, begging in desperation for his manservant's pleasure.
"What's the magic word?" There was a pause, then Merlin's voice reemerged shrilly, "And I don't mean 'magic' literally!"
"Oh, OH!" realization dawned on Arthur, "PLEASE!"
"Impressive, I've got the Prince of Camelot begging for more."
"Shut up, you idiot." Arthur's voice sounded more high-pitched and nearly cracked with eagerness and urgency.
"Hmmm, I don't think that's very polite, maybe I should stop and only continue when someone stops being a prat."
"Wait, I'm sorry, Merlin. Please, I would be truly grateful if you continued."
"Okay, just, no more interruptions. I'm excited about where things are going too."
The girls were able to muffle their joyous squeals to a strained humming as they listened in on Merlin and Arthur's official consummation of their love. It was everything Gwen and Morgana had imagined in their hopeless romantic minds.
"No more interruptions, I promise. And Merlin, thank you for everything. I've never told you, but you are the greatest surprise and treasure of my life."
Gwen looked up at Morgana, both sighing at Arthur's tender gratitude.
"How could I stay mad at you when you say things like that?"
There was a quick pause, during which Gwen and Morgana attempted to visualize the kiss that had to have been occurring just on the other side of the door.
Merlin's voice reemerged with a teasing edge to it. "Now where was I?" Gwen and Morgana repositioned themselves so that when Merlin continued, they were pressing their full weight against the door. Morgana, easer her hand down the door to grip the doorknob, so as not to laugh or squeal in delight for Merlin and Arthur's long overdue first night of love. "Oh yes, I was just down to here..."
"Come on Mer-lin, you were lower than that!"
"Fine. Here's goes..."
Gwen and Morgana both took in a deep, but silent gasp as they realized what was surely about to happen. However, Morgana's grip on the doorknob slipped and the door swung open with the girls weight and Gwen and Morgana fell tumbling down into Arthur's chamber.
They quickly shut their eyes trying to not to peek at the expected nudity and blatant body positions they expected to find.
Arthur called incredulously from his bed, "MORGANA?! GWEN?! What do you think you're doing?"
Of course, it was Gwen who started babbling, "Sorry, Arthur, Merlin. We didn't want to interrupt you two. Not to say we know what you're doing. But we just, okay we may have been eavesdropping. But it's only because we're so happy for you. But we'll just leave now. Not that we're uncomfortable with you two, it's just that this seems to be a private event by invitation only. I mean! Not that we want to be invited into this. It's just that -"
"Guinevere, what ARE you going on about?" Arthur drawled.
Merlin piped up, "Wait! What did you THINK we were doing?"
Gwen and Morgana eased open their eyes and were, for lack of a better word surprised to find that while Arthur and Merlin were on the bed, neither were undressed. In fact, Arthur was tucked into his bed, like a boy. Merlin was sitting upright on the other half of the bed, his back against the headboard, with an open book in his hands.
Morgana and Gwen turned to look at each other with mouths agape. They had made quite a mistake in assumptions. The whole time, Merlin had been offering to read a bedtime story to Arthur to help him sleep. And they had thought.....
Morgana and Gwen slowly stood up and snuck back to the door, "Sorry, we thought... It's nothing, so, we'll just, go, then, alright?"
Arthur and Merlin looked at each other, both with confusion mapped on their faces.
Gwen and Morgana, turned, and closed the door, slightly embarrassed by their mistake as they heard more voices through the door.
"That was weird."
"Girls ARE weird, Mer-lin. Now, finish the story already! And you passed that already, you're lower down in the page!"
"Sorry. Ready?"
Arthur's voice was deadly cool this time, "Mer-lin..."
"Alright! So, the terrible sorcerer and his hoards of demons were defeated that day by the dashing king and his army of brave and noble knights. And thus, the kingdom was rid of evil forever and peace and prospe-"
Gwen and Morgana left the door without hearing the rest, slightly put out, but no less convinced or Arthur and Merlin's love, only they saw they would have a little meddling to do. Arthur and Merlin would thank them later. The girls were determined to ensure that Merlin and Arthur quickly discover and act upon their secret love for each other. After all, it was just too OBVIOUS not to be there...
A/N: So, whadaya think? Was anyone convinced until the end that Merlin and Arthur were in love and about to take it to the next level? Reviews are love! Oh, and a quick follow-up chapter is coming soon.... to a computer near you!