Occupational Hazards

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach

A/N: I totally condone this pairing. I mean hell. Sexy.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

Yami had a hand down his pants.

So what else was new?

What's new was this: the hand belonged to Ulquiorra Schiffer.

Oh you can sneer at me and curl your lips, and deny it would ever happen. You can sit on your high pedestal and refuse to listen. The truth won't change for your lack of acceptance, though, so suck it up: Ulquiorra was groping Yami.

"Ahhhnnn…"

Yami's large hands roved over the brunet's buttocks. His middle finger found that delicate junction where cheeks met the crook of the legs and pushed in. Ulquiorra let out a soft, approving hiss and raised himself on tip-toes, into Yami's chest, wishing to be free of the clothes that separated his bare skin from the other arrancar's dedicated fingers. Yami's pants became decidedly crowded as Ulquiorra plunged another hand in to stroke the number-confused Espada's hard length.

They had been hot and heavy for the last many months. The life of an Espada was hauntingly solitary and numbers four and ten/zero, having nothing better to do, began doing each other. They hadn't started out intending to become this…intimate. Ulquiorra was the social butterfly in Las Noches. Yami, the idiot, always found fresh ways to offend his sensibilities whenever he visited. Long drawn discussions—heated by Yami's tipsy temper—culminated in an intense attraction. Predictably, Yami had cracked first: one kiss to Ulquiorra's dull lips led to another, another, and now it was the present and here they were, still kissing.

I mean, groping. In the hallway.

Visible to anyone who'd care to watch.

Of course, it being Yami's palace, the only other beings around were his fraccions. And those knew better than to approach. Neither Espada tolerated voyeurs. Unless you want your head blown off, buddy, stay the hell away.

They were being daring today. Up till this point they'd made a bona fide effort to keep their little intrigue under the wraps, in one of their private sleeping chambers. Their fraccions had naturally guessed what was going on, but feigned ignorance out of an efficient combination of loyalty and bone-crushing fear. To be moaning for each other in the hall in this way meant their servants would get bolder as will. Gossip would erupt…but that wasn't on their minds at all…

Yami pulled his shirt off over his head, and Ulquiorra took in the familiar expanse of burnt sienna skin. The larger arrancar encouraged him to step closer, working his top as well. Ulquiorra lent a willing hand, and his pale sickly chest must've sent out a ripe-for-your-taking vibe because Yami let out an almighty groan and pushed his lips against the brunet's plum nipple, catching the bud between his teeth.

Ulquiorra reached over Yami's shoulders to grip his back, nails digging into tough, tan skin. For a supposed follower of nilhism, Ulquiorra was pretty enthusiastic about sex—Yami loved that. Hypocrisy turned him on. Or maybe it was just how good Ulquiorra's lips felt on his body, especially when there were kissing his shoulder like this…

"Harder."

It was unassumingly given, but a command nonetheless. Yami bit harder, and Ulquiorra gave a gratifying gasp. A good idea sparked in the other Espada's head; he fell to his knees and pulled Ulquiorra's hips forward, licking above the sadistic trail of black hair that went south of his navel. He worked his tongue upwards in a slick path of tremulous skin, and Ulquiorra facilitated his way by sinking slowly to the floor. At his neck, Yami kissed hard enough to leave a purple bruise (for later! A souvenir). The fourth's breath was lost somewhere near that mark and he stopped inhaling as Yami fitted his fingers against his jaw and leaned in, lips first, for a bottomless kiss.

"Lie down, will ya?" Yami grunted upon its well-bottomed end.

"No. You lie down."

Trying childishly to aggravate him about his uncertain status among Aizen Sousuke's chosen best, Ulquiorra had inadvertently discovered that Yami's position in the act was just as flexible as his strength in battle. Today the brunet was in no mood to be topped. But then, neither was Yami.

"Ulquiorra, you bast—!"

The bastard's back arched inwards as he threw his arms around Yami's neck, nipping the arrancar's lower lip. Yami's tongue darted out to play and Ulquiorra toppled him from his adamant stance into a pool of seething want.

The brunet pulled both their pants down before lowering his mouth to Yami's cock, swirling his tongue around the tip. Testing the waters, as it were. Yami yelped, "Fuck, don't tease!" and Ulquiorra judged the temperature to be perfect. He plunged, swallowing Yami whole. His hands held down the big guy's pelvis as he drew back, swirling his tongue again before going down.

Yami gritted his teeth as Ulquiorra sucked him off. His hot, wicked mouth took him once more, and Yami felt his balls contract. Already…!

"Shh…haa….how embarrassing," he muttered, and then grabbed Ulquiorra's shoulders as he came. A long, tormented moan rustled past his lips, and Ulquiorra gave his sated arousal a last salty lick before spreading Yami's legs.

"Quick. We had sex this morning, too…how needy are you? Idiot."

The heliotrope haired Espada scowled. "Take it as a compliment, okay? It's been a while since I was on the receiving end…so I got excited. Fuckin' sue me."

Ulquiorra didn't smile, but his lips softened from their straight line. "Why, Yami. Having no idea you enjoyed this position so much, I made you top. I'll be sure to be less selfish from now on."

Yami tugged him down so that their erections were pressed between their sinewy bodies. With an appeased sigh he said, "Don't bother. Haven't you heard, selfishness is the first trait to come with love."

A scornful note struck in Ulquiorra's green eyes. "I'm not in love with you."

"Ah, denial. The first step to a long, happy relationship."

"You're delusional. It's surprisingly fetching." Ulquiorra was both impatient and amused. He wiggled lower to push a finger into his partner (lover, if Yami was to be believed), who groaned.

"Mmm…yes. I'm fetching? Is that a compliment?"

The smaller arrancar (not by much) was busy sliding another finger into the…hot…tight…sinfully so, in fact…ah, Yami…

The point is, he answered without thinking.

"Yes. Of course."

"Take it back." Ulquiorra froze as Yami clenched around him, raising himself on his elbows and halting the fourth's fun. " 'Fetching' in such an inadequate adjective for me. Ulquiorra, I hope you can do better or you ain't getting any tonight."

"Don't be so difficult." Ulquiorra pulled a face. "Yami."

"Why?" An evil smirk unrolled on his lips. "Ah, I see. You're too horny to stop? Then think quickly. Flatter me."

Ulquiorra let a low mutter of aggrieved, "God!" and Yami looked immensely pleased with this not-effort.

"A little over the top," he dropped compliantly back to the floor hands touching the brunet's desperate cock, "But bingo."

Ulquiorra gave up preparing Yami to enter him, as though expecting him to change his mind. What a random creature this guy was. What a jerk. But it was a fond sort of exasperation that filled him as he filled Yami, who moaned accommodatingly.

"Nngh…hah!" that was the sign that Ulquiorra had found his prostrate; he angled himself to hit it better. "Ulquiorra—ahh…"

"Ah," Grimmjow said, "How unpleasant. Yami, prideless."

Oh you can blink and swear and demand I finish this scene. You can beg and threaten and do everything in between. But the truth remains as truth will, unwilling to give quarter. Grimmjow snuck up on the two of them.

Let's give the pair stuck compromisingly together a minute to regain some semblance of decency and glare down Grimmjow before he continues sleekly:

"Aren't you a loser, Yami, to let a little shit like Ulquiorra fuck you on your back and moan his name like a hundred-yen whore?"

Hey, I said sleekly, not with class.

"Listen, you son of a cunt, you better not even breathe until I control my temper," growled Yami, "Or I'll rip you a new—"

"Don't underestimate me," smirked Grimmjow, his eyes on Ulquiorra, "Aizen would love to hear about this."

"Mistake," the fourth Espada calmly said as he stepped (sonido! What a useful thing) to place Grimmjow in a head grapple. "If you intended to go to Aizen-sama, you shouldn't have revealed yourself to us."

Hey! He said, 'don't underestimate me'. You should pay attention, Ulqui-tan.

"Ulquiorra," sneered Grimmjow, "You didn't finish. Is your cock still hard?"

That bastard…! Ulquiorra was hard, and he dropped Grimmjow like an electric eel from shock. The blue haired extortionist said:

"You can buy my silence, bonehead!" before putting a solid step of sonido between them. In the red quiet that followed, Yami scratched his neck and went, "Huh. I wonder which head he was talking about."

000

The spunky worm had the spunk to wormily hang out outside Sousuke's own chambers. Ulquiorra and Yami approached him with sour moods. Only it didn't show on Ulquiorra's gray face.

"Yo," Grimmjow grinned, "Whatcha offering?"

Ulquiorra was wary. "What do you want?"

"Get Halibel to suck me off."

Yami threw a fist that Ulquiorra caught. Looking Grimmjow dead in the eye, he delivered a deadpan line.

"Not a chance. What kind of power do you think we have? Even if we forced her to her knees she'd bite your dick off."

"Alright," Grimmjow said reasonably, "One of her fraccions, then."

Ulquiorra caught Yami's other fist. "Same. Problem."

"Right, because a single fraccione can really fight against our might."

Yami with both his fists under Ulquiorra's restraints threw words at the sixth Espada. "Halibel gives a damn about her fraccions, unlike you. She'd rampage. Kill us all."

"Fine," Grimmjow was game, "Then Ulquiorra, you suck me off. Since it's not a problem with fugly Yami you'll love me—"

Yami threw both his fists and Ulquiorra didn't bother holding him back; Grimmjow was slammed against' Sousuke's doors and they opened to reveal the man himself.

"Now, Espada," Sousuke said, "I thought I prohibited squabbles after Nnoitra so bothersomely cast out Neliel. What's going on? Yami—Yami. Stop punching Grimmjow."

"He deserves it." Ulquiorra dropped to one knee out of mandated respect. Yami followed suit, bringing Grimmjow down with him.

Sousuke said, "Indubitably," as he took in the sixth's unrepentant smirk. "Still. It is not up to you to punish him."

"I'm not the one you should punish, Aizen-sama!" Grimmjow was a loud tattletale, "Yami and Ulquiorra are sleeping together!"

In the space of time it took for Yami to throw his colleague aside in disgust, Sousuke uttered a lovely word.

"So?"

Grimmjow grimly stammered, "I—t-that's…they're…b-but it's—"

"I forbade bickering," Sousuke resumed, "Because all the Espada are like my children," an unconvincing lie, "And it broke my heart to replace Nel. Though I do love Halibel." He threw Ulquiorra and Yami a lazy smile. "I don't like sibling rivalry, but will not oppose incest."

The green eyed monster (not jealousy—Ulquiorra) breathed easy in relief, but Yami Rialgo went the length.

"Grimmjow would like to take advantage of that sentiment," he smiled cruelly, "He mentioned something about harboring an incestuous attraction towards Halibel. Said he wanted her to suck him off."

"I…wait, Aizen-sama I—no, it's not…"

"I see," Sousuke solemnly said, "I shall call Halibel here and if she is agreeable, I give you my blessing."

"Ah…!"

"Halibel will have your nuts on a platter," Yami cheerfully informed Grimmjow, and on that comitragic note his short-lived career as a blackmailer drew to a close.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

What do you mean, "How is Ulquiorra a social butterfly"? During the Hueco Mundo arc I don't think any other Espada moved around to one another's palaces quite so much. For a nilhist, he's quite…as I put it, enthusiastic. I totally have a dream of writing a fic where he and Gin conspire and fuck shit up for the rest of their dysfunctional family.