A/N: So… yeah this is kind of like a companion piece to my other oneshot called "By the Way… I Still Hate You". You don't have to have read that one to understand this one but you can still read the other one… am I confusing you?
Disclaimer: I do NOT own Moulin Rouge… or Christian. Unless you count all the pictures and… yeah I won't go there.
Before I Knew You
I want to thank you. I want to thank you for the wonderful perception you've brought into my life. Before you, I could only pretend to know what love is about and you helped me to actually feel my writing. I love you so and that has brought such joy to my lonely heart. Now that I'm done thanking you… I need to also curse you.
Before you, I was carefree and happy. I was able to think of other things than what could happen if we were discovered and I didn't have nightmares of the Duke walking in on us. Oh sure, at first it was a wonderful, thrilling game. I was exhilarated and careless because I was actually doing something that went behind other people's backs. But then I started to really begin to worry, it probably started that one night when you didn't come to me when you said you would. I curse you because you brought a sickening pain into my life.
Did I ever tell you that I dreamt of you before I even met you? I often dreamt of a beautiful, fiery headed temptress that looked at me with such love in her eyes. This woman often smiled seductively, but still sweetly, at me and her bright blue eyes dazzled with a blinding light. Each time I ran to her but I stopped just short of her, each and every time, longing to hold her but unable to touch. Once all of this happened, the gorgeous woman in the red dress (much like the one you wore that night when our worlds collided) would hold out a sword to me. But this was not an ordinary sword, it had two edges to it… a double ended sword. I gently took the sword and examined it… and lightly etched in the metal were the repeated words, Moulin Rouge, Moulin Rouge, Moulin Rouge, Moulin Rouge, Moulin Rouge, Moulin Rouge, Moulin Rouge. The words sent shivers up and down my already tingling spine. Then I would wake, crying out a foreign name that I was never able to remember afterwards. My father always said it sounded like I was shouting "satin" but now I know that he was wrong.
As soon as I saw you I thought I had known you from somewhere… and I was so infected and blinded by love I did not notice the resemblance. I was meant to be with you… to be both blessed and cursed at once.
And yet… I relish every moment I spent with you. The way your nose would crinkle when you smiled always made my day so bright and when you tried to contain laughter the corners of your mouth would twitch constantly. I suppose I really fell in love with you when I saw how frightened you looked up there on the Elephant with me. Your eyes betrayed all of your emotions… while you were laughing at my foolishness I could see the longing and heartache in your clear diamonds that you had as eyes. It was then that I knew I had to fight for you… that I would fight for you right until the very end. I would never let you go… and I never will. I could tell when you came close to falling and I always caught you, holding you close to keep you from falling from this twisted merry-go-round that we were on… are on. The same merry-go-round that I just want to get off of. But I can't… even though you are off of it now I cannot bring myself to let go. It still feels like you on there… it feels like you are still there and I can't ever fall away from that. So I cling to the handles like I still cling to your love.
Why didn't you just stand firm that night on the Elephant? Why did you have to just give into my selfish demands? It would have saved us so much heartache… so much pain. There are times I wish I had never agreed to Toulouse and his scheme… I wish I had instead lived by my father's rules and stayed far away from Paris and the Moulin Rouge.
I suppose I do not really wish that though… because if I really did I would not cling to your memory so. I would not still live in this old apartment with the view of the windmill; hungry, drunk, and broken. Did you know that they have already forgotten you? That Nini has taken your place as the main attraction and the customers could hardly care less. Did you know that because you are gone they once more restored the old Moulin Rouge and got rid of the theater? In fact, I think that if it weren't for me up here typing on my typewriter and crying out your name every now and then you would be completely erased from time and space. But I swear I will never let your memory completely die, it will always be etched here in my memory… until the end of time.
I sometimes think I see you here… I see you in your robe and you are singing words of love to me. Then the image is gone, but I instead delve into the world of what used to be. I remember how sweet my name sounded coming from your lips, how the few times when you really laughed it was like the whole world was laughing with you. I remember how we would steal glances at each other during rehearsals… or even in the company of the Duke. And each time your eyes met my own it was like sparks were flying between us… sometimes I was afraid that they would scorch us. Then all at once the memory is gone, and I'm left here in cold clutching a bottle or some alcoholic drink that I hope to drown my pain in.
Before I knew you, my life was empty and without purpose. And for those few days we had together, it was if my whole being was leading up to them. Almost as if fate meant for us to meet and overcome the obstacles thrown at us. I know now, looking back on it all,f that I gave you life as well. I realize that you were never allowed to experience love and I am glad to have given you that chance before you… before you. Dear lord… I can't even say the terrible words. Perhaps that was why we were meant to meet… two people with wasted lives coming together to bring meaning to each other. At least you were able to die in happiness… while I am left to fend for myself in a cruel world.
How is it that this place seemed so much brighter with you in it? Whenever you were around these walls seemed to have color and the sky did not seem so bleak. I do not exaggerate when I say that it has rained every day since that awful night. I suppose it was not an awful night though… at least not all of it. There were those few moments when I was happier than I ever thought I could be. You were there before me, alive and telling me that you loved me. Not just telling me… showing me… making it real to me again. I didn't care that you had lied to me before… it wasn't important then. It isn't important now either.
I suppose in the end… I would redo all of this. I would be willing to go through the pain of losing you again if it meant that I could relive every moment spent with you. I would even relive that wrenching pain of you being up there in that tower with the Duke if it meant that you would come to me later… saying that you wanted to go far away with me. Now I am not even that bitter… if ever I act it that is exactly what it is… an act. I could never hate you for what you've done to me. I read what you wrote… I was in your room and I found it. You said that you hated what I did to you… but you also said that you couldn't be happier. That was the only If only we had more time… I would have asked you to marry me if we had but a few more weeks with you in it… days even.
I'll get better… I'll get well for you Satine. You said you wanted me to keep going… keep living. And I swear I will. Just let me sit here in my agony a while longer… let me live in your memory for a day more. I keep all of my promises… not just this one but also the one I made to you up here that beautiful morning. I will love you… until my dying day and beyond. My world will always be bright if your memory is still with me… and the story is almost finished. Soon our story… your story will live in the memory of today's generation as well as tomorrows. And we can be heroes forever and ever. Just like you said.
Oh and by the way... I still hate you too.
A/N: I don't like this one as much as Satine's because this one was darker. Please review and tell me what you think of it. I'm gonna go write something happy now… lol!