Ice Princess Sasuke
AN: Happy much-belated birthday to Ryuujitsu! This ended up being kinda NaruSasu somehow, but I hope you like it anyway… ;; I'm bad.
Summary: (AU, oneshot, NaruSasu) When the Uchiha parents depart for their second honeymoon, they unwisely leave The Very Manly and Sexy Crown Prince Itachi in charge of the country with directions to find a wife for his little brother, Ice Princess Sasuke. Beware the Fish Babies.
"Ice Princess Sasuke, it's time to wake up!" the maid told him merrily one morning, yanking his pillows out from under his head.
Sasuke growled. "I've already told you, I'm a male! You are to address me as Prince Sasuke!"
"I'm just following the assigned protocol, Ice Princess Sasuke. According to Royal Decree 51073 section D—"
"And it's four in the morning! What possible reason is there to wake me up this early?"
"I'm just following what section H of—"
"Well, I'm going to make some Royal Decrees of my own! Honored Prince Sasuke's Royal Decree number one! Section A, ignore any and all decrees made by Itachi in regard to Sasuke! Section B, you are to henceforth refer to Itachi as Flamingly Gay, Fingernail-Painting, Sleepover-Hosting Princess Itachi!"
"I'm sorry, but The Very Manly and Sexy Crown Prince Itachi has already declared that any decrees made by Ice Princess Sasuke are null and void."
"Then I'll issue an edict!" Sasuke cried desperately.
"Those too."
Sasuke collapsed back into bed, twitching. "Just… go away," he muttered feebly.
The maid gave a little giggle and exited.
Sasuke emerged from his quarters several hours later and marched to the throne room, which his brother Itachi had overtaken since their parents had departed on their second honeymoon a few months ago.
"Saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaas-uke!" Itachi called out as the prince entered, inspecting his nails lazily.
"What?" Sasuke bit out, not at all amused but too tired to argue.
"Mother and Father asked me a very important favor before they left… they said to me, 'Oh, beloved and manly son Itachi—' "
"Stop making stuff up! They know you're as queer as a bowl of Fruit Loops and girly at that!"
"Ahem. And Mother said, 'Oh, if only I were twenty years younger' and Father said, 'Now, now dear, Jocasta complexes are generally frowned upon by most of society' but Mother said, 'But deeeeeeear, he's just so sexy and manly' so Father finally gave in and said, 'All right, we'll have a threesome,' jokingly of course, so I asked if I could invite a friend and make it a love quadrilateral… like this, you know," Itachi said, making a rectangle with his thumbs and index fingers.
Sasuke plugged his ears and loudly hummed the tune to an Amazon war chant.
"And then when it was over, they told me that while they were gone, I should find you a wife—"
"What?" Sasuke shrieked; his fingers weren't enough to block out Itachi's nonsensical mutterings.
"Or a husband, if that's what you prefer—I'm sure they wouldn't mind," Itachi said merrily, slouching in the throne and throwing one leg over the other.
Sasuke clenched his fists. "Yeah, well Mom and Dad told me to keep an eye on you to make sure you didn't have any fish babies while they were gone!"
Itachi pulled a hurt face, tapping his purple fingernails annoyingly against the armrest. "Really, Sasuke, that's rude."
"Well, that's what they said. They were really worried about their son and his 'special friend,' Flipper."
"His name is Kisame, not Flipper! And if anyone's going to get pregnant it's going to be you, Sas-uke!"
"You!"
"No, you!"
"No, you!"
"No, you! And we're having a ball tomorrow! All the eligible ladies are invited, so you'd better pick one."
"What?" Sasuke screeched.
"You should work on that puberty thing, Sasuke. If you did your voice wouldn't squeak like that."
"Shut up!"
"I mean, I had a sexy deep voice at thirteen… what happened to you, little brother?"
"Eurrrrrrrrrrgh!" Sasuke growled gutturally, stalking out of the room.
"Well, I'll give him an A for effort, at least. Keep trying, Sasuke!" he yelled at Sasuke's retreating back.
Sasuke pouted. In a completely dignified way, of course. It was all right to pout if you looked as good as Sasuke did when he pouted. Ahem.
Sasuke didn't like girls. In fact, he disliked them. Not to say he liked boys either—he didn't like anyone, especially not one male in particular—namely his big brother Itachi, who was doing a drunken tango with a blue-skinned man on the other side of the room. Eurgh. Fish-man. Sasuke turned away.
There were a lot of girls in the room. In fact, Sasuke didn't think he'd ever seen so many at one time. It was dizzying, really. They all walked around in their heels and their big ball gowns and their perfume and smiles. And Sasuke was supposed to pick one of them? Impossible. All of them just seemed… icky. Even that tiny-waisted blonde and the big-foreheaded girl with pink hair, who kept introducing and re-introducing themselves to him, made him feel sick. In fact, they were the worst.
They were fighting over him, pulling each other's hair and punching each other and becoming a dusty cloud of whirling limbs. Sasuke took this opportunity to escape, running away as fast as his sexy legs could carry him. He ran blindly, not stopping until he collided with something solid.
That something gave a squeak and collapsed, Sasuke following the fluttering blue and orange to the ground. Blue and orange, huh? Ugly colors for a dress. Just imagine how angry her bridesmaids would be. Blue and orange. Yech.
"Hey, Prince Bastard, get offa me!" Blue and Orange growled rather un-effeminately, shoving Sasuke off of her.
Sasuke glared at the girl, opening his mouth to give her a severe verbal slap on the hand—but he found himself rendered speechless when he looked at her.
Her skin was a warm tan, her hair as golden as the sun, strange but adorable marks like whiskers on her cheeks, and the most breathtaking blue eyes he'd ever seen…
"This one!" he yelled, causing the blonde to give him the fiercest (and cutest) glare he'd ever seen.
"Don't look at me like that, Prince Bastard!"
And suddenly, there was Itachi. He "Oh ho ho"-ed loudly, pulling Sasuke to his feet. "Congratulations, Sasuke! Out of all the people in dresses here, you chose the only one who wasn't a girl! Good eye!"
"N-No! No, I didn't mean it! I meant… this one stole my cookies!"
"Congratulations, Naruto—you get to be queen," Itachi told Naruto, completely ignoring his little brother's protest.
"Yaaaaaay!" Naruto cheered, taking off his long blonde wig to reveal his very boyish hair. In the distance, Kisame threw heart-shaped confetti into the air.
"What's he doing here? I told you, you can't have fish babies while Mom and Dad are gone!"
"He's my official confetti-thrower, thank you very much. It's a very important job."
"Besides, I was supposed to get you married to a nice girl too, and look what happened to that. Ha ha, little Sasuke is marrying a man."
"Nooooooooooo!" Sasuke cried dramatically, falling to the floor and cradling his head in his hands.
Itachi rolled his eyes. "Don't be silly, Ice Princess Sasuke. You chose Naruto. Don't be such a girl about it."
"Yeah, get up, Prince Bastard," Naruto said with a smirk.
"Your dress is ugly," Sasuke growled, yanking on its hem.
"Thanks for coming, Naruto. I told you he'd pick you, didn't I? Oh ho ho ho…"
"FISH BABIES!" Sasuke yelled.
"How rude," Itachi huffed. "Well, girls, I'm afraid you've got to be going now. Sasuke obviously no longer feels the need to pretend he's straight, so obviously you've all been made superfluous. Have a nice day!"
The girls sniffed and sobbed as he shooed them out of the castle.
"Soooooo Kisame, how about you throw some of that confetti in my room, hmm?" Itachi suggested.
"I'd sincerely like to make you writhe and moan," Sasuke said, twitching.
Naruto smiled his foxy grin. "Anytime, Ice Princess, anytime."
"In pain, of course!" Sasuke cried, his cheeks flushing.
"Of course," Naruto echoed, as if he hadn't been thinking of anything else. "You know, Prince Bastard, maybe you should take a long swim in a cold lake."
"I prefer hot springs myself, although of course a commoner like you probably wouldn't know the joys of—hey, were you just making fun of me?"
"Of course not, beloved! Why would I ever tease you? …Except in bed, of course. That's perfectly fine. Teasing someone in bed."
"Stop teasing me about teasing me in bed!"
"What, do you want to be teased in bed? Right now?" Naruto smirked.
"N-no," Sasuke stuttered, blushing.
"Are you sure? I could oblige."
"Grrrr…"
"Or would you like to take another swim? I could come with you this time…" Naruto slung his arm over Sasuke's shoulders, leaning against him.
"Shut up and kiss me!" Sasuke yelled, his voice squeaking unpleasantly.
"Of course, Prince Bastard," Naruto said, grinning smugly and descending.
Needless to say, the Uchiha parents were less than happy to find that not only had Itachi married Sasuke off to a man, Sasuke hadn't even been able to prevent Itachi from having fish babies. It was so embarrassing that they had to quickly depart for their third honeymoon—leaving one of the maids in charge this time. Maids were so much more trustworthy.