They pushed me this far. I didn't want to come back over to the dark side, but they forced me to. I was perfectly happy with coming back to the good side. I would have loved for things to go back to the way they were. Back to the days on The Bus. Back to the days where all I was, was Grant Ward the specialist. Back to the days where I could walk free among the only people who actually cared about me, or at least pretended to care about me.
Just like all the other people in my life, they only loved me as long as I did what they wanted to do and gave them what they wanted. The minute they realized I was against them, I was dead to them. I don't really blame them though. I did do an awful thing to them. I betrayed them. My second biggest regret in life is betraying my team- sorry, my former team. My first regret is saying "yes" to Garrett, when he asked me if I wanted to join him. I should have said no, I should have just done the jail time. I would be out my now if I had just stayed. No, I change my mind. My biggest regret is not killing my brother the first time I tried to kill him. At least I got to finish the job…..
Maybe I took things a little too far with Agent Morse. I mean she only did what she had to do for the mission. She had no idea that Kara was in the safe house, but that's not really why I hurt her, is it? She had no remorse. No regret for the pain she caused my Kara. Because of that, she was harmed. All she had to do was be sorry, but no. She had to do things the hard way. Honestly, all I was doing was punishing her for not feeling the right emotions. She didn't even actually have to be sorry, she just had to make me think she was sorry. I would have let her go, if her apology was sincere enough. She got hurt because she wasn't a good enough agent. A good agent would have played the part right, and manipulated me into believing her. At least, that's would Garrett used to tell me.
I still hear his voice in my head. Telling me what to do, how to do it, and when to do it. I hear his disappointment from beyond the grave. I know he is dead, but somehow he is still alive. To me, he's more dangerous dead than alive. When he was alive, all I had to do was look over my shoulder and do what he ordered, and of course deal with my punishment, when I failed. Now that he is dead, I always hear his voice. At least alive I didn't have punish myself. Now when I do something wrong, the punishment must come from my own hand. It's harder that way.
The same goes for my family. I can still hear my mother's taunts. When she would lock me in the cabinet in the kitchen for days. She would bake things like cookies, cake, brownies and turkey. She would point a fan toward the cabinet door, and I would smell all the food I couldn't have. Then there was my dad. I would beg him to let me out, to save me, but all he would do is ignore me pleads. Thomas was always too scared to help me. He knew he was the one my mother loved, and he didn't want to mess that up. I don't blame him though. Christian would do even worst things. The second I was freed from her punishments, he would hurt Thomas and blame it on me. He did this so mom would be too focused on punishing me, and would forget about him.
I blame all of them. They are the ones who turned me into this. SHEILD, Garrett, and my family. My family started it, Garrett made it worst, and SHEILD sealed my fate. Up until Simmons pointed that gun at my face, I thought I had a chance. A chance to live a life, one where people were good to me. One where I understood the difference between right and wrong. When she tried to kill me, I knew there was no chance. She ruined everything.
Maybe Agent Morse was right. Maybe I am weak. Maybe I am blaming all those around me, and not taking my own responsibility. Maybe I am a coward, too scared to accept my own punishments….. NO, she is wrong. All I know is punishment, the only reward I have ever gotten is the lack of punishment. It's not my fault I am a monster. It's science. The Law of Biogenesis states that living organisms can only produce other living organisms of the same species. A cat cannot produce a cow, and a cow cannot produce a tree. My parents were monsters. They could only produce a monster. Since that is what I am, a monster, I might as well act like one. I mean, I have already wasted so much of my life pretending to me something I am not. I'm a monster, so I am going to act like a monster.
"Hail Hydra."