I do not own 'Lost' or anything related.
Commentator: All right! Here it is! The final episode of 'Lost'! Ever!
Sammy: At last we shall know all the remaining answers!
Professor: Unlikely given that the writers said that they won't be answering all of them. However I'm hoping to see them answer all the important remaining questions.
Commentator: I'm just hoping for them to answer the reason for those flash sideways and why were they important in the first place!
Jack: Morning, Doctor.
Juliet: Morning, Doctor.
David: Hey Mom!
Juliet: Hey son.
Commentator: Gasp! Oh my God! Juliet is Jack's ex! What a twist! What a shocking revelation! What a-no, can't do it. Can't fake the shock. Everyone saw THAT coming!
Desmond: Vincent? You're alive? Either you have the same kinda lifespan as Porthos from Star Trek or you've somehow time jumped with the rest of the characters.
Rose: You're right the second time.
Desmond: Rose? Bernard?
Bernard: Yes. The explosion back in 1977 somehow sent us back to the present even though we were nowhere near where the Hatch was being built.
Desmond: All right, even if I was to somehow believe that you somehow time jumped with the others, how did all your stuff follow you?
Rose: -We don't know.
Bernard: Is it too implausible to believe that this stuff was just where we left it thirty years ago and we've managed to fix it all up?
Desmond: Huh. I guess not impossible. Improbable, maybe-
Rose: Desmond, whatever business you've got yourself into, we want no part in it.
Desmond: But, you've already gotten yourselves involved! If anything you've probably caught the attention of all the main characters by taking me out of the well.
Rose: Aside from that we don't want to have anything more to do with the plot. Keeping our heads low and not trying to take up more screen time is the reason why me and Bernard are the only survivors who aren't part of the original main cast still alive by this point.
Desmond: Oh come on now, you're exaggerating a little. Not ALL of the original main characters have survived, this isn't 'Heroes'!
Rose: True, but non-main character losties tend to have a lower life expectancy than those who are main characters, I mean the tailies only lived for like a season!
Desmond: What about Cindy and Bernard?
Rose: Who are the only tailies NOT to become main characters!
Desmond: Huh. I guess you have a point there. Oh well, it's nice to see one couple who have made it through this series without dying or anything-
Here comes the Man in Black, Man in Blaaaaaaack, he won't let you remember, uh oh, uh oh
Desmond: Oh come on now! Okay, I'll do whatever you want, just please don't hurt Rose and Bernard! Let someone here have a happy ending! Even Joss Whedon allowed some couples a happily ever after in three of his series!
Man in Black: Hmm. That is true. Our show and 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer' are alot alike.
Desmond: You mean how both series feature a major antagonist who can only take on the form of the-
Man in Black: Do you want me to kill Rose and Bernard?
Desmond: No please!
Jack: Hah! I was right!
Man in Black: You somehow knew that Desmond doing whatever it was down there would rob me of my powers?
Jack: Yes.
Man in Black: -How could you possibly figure that out?
Jack: I don't know.
Main in Black: I mean, no! I am mortal! It's just like that movie where the villain becomes mortal!
Jack: You mean 'The Mummy'?
Man in Black: Yes, exactly.
Man in Black: You know do you really need to kill me now? I mean I've lost all my powers, surely I'm no longer a threat anymore?
Jack: That maybe so, but I need to save the island, and that will just make you a smoke monster again, so this is the only way to kill you.
Man in Black: So you're perfectly happy murdering a human being?
Jack: Yep!
Man in Black: What kind of doctor are you?
Jack: One that never took the Hippocratic oath!
Man in Black: Very well then, Jack Shepard. Let us commence the greatest showdown ever produced on national television!
Jack: You mean like between Peter and Sylar in the Season One finale?
Man in Black: Yes. Only not as disappointing.
Jack: You know. You're not much of a challenge despite being a smoke monster, Flocke.
Man in Black: Uh, hello? I've lost all my powers! Wasn't the bleeding lip kinda a hint?
Jack: Huh. Don't know how I missed that.
Man in Black: How? Could you have possibly missed that?
Jack: I don't know.
Jack: (Strangling Man in Black) Huh. This scene is kinda reminiscent of our previous fight. Oh well. I'm sure nothing similar will happen.
Man in Black: Wanna bet.
Stab!
Jack: GAK! What now, Flocke? A last at the minute villainous line?
Man in Black: Yes. Just to let you know, Jack, you died for nothing.
Jack: Huh. Not the best.
Man In Black: Shut up and die!
Bang!
Man In Black: GAK!
Kate: You first, baby.
Man In Black: Oh no! I have been mortally wounded! By a woman!
Kate: Hey!
JAck: Don't worry, Smokey. I'll give you the coolest death ever produced.
Man In Black: What, you're gonna make me explode spectacularly?
JAck: Okay, I'll give you the SECOND coolest death ever produced.
(Kicks him off the cliff)
Man In Black: Oh! A fall! Yes that is pretty cool! I mean, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-
SPLAT.
Ben, Sawyer and Hurley peer over the cliff.
Sawyer: Wow. You know, that death would have been alot cooler if he fell spinning right into the water full of crocodiles.
(Everyone looks at him)
Sawyer: What, it would've!
Kate: I love you, Jack.
Jack: I love you too, Kate.
(They kiss)
Sawyer: Well it's about time they got together.
Hurley: What do you mean? They got together off the island.
Sawyer: Huh? Oh yeah, they did! For some reason it's felt like they've just been angsting for the past six years.
Hurley: They also kissed on the island before.
Sawyer: Yeah yeah, there was that one time-
Hurley: They even had sex just before they set off to the island again even though they never repaired their relationship after that for some reason-
Sawyer: SHUT UP!
Hurley: Kay.
Sawyer: Anyway, we've gotta get off this island!
Hurley: Nah I'm staying here.
Kate: Hurley! We're not just going to leave you here on the island-
Hurely: Yes you are.
Kate: Okay then, have a nice life!
Lapidus: Kate! Sawyer! Claire! You made it! And why aren't I concerned about Jack, Hurley, Linus or Desmond?
Jack: Huh? Krishna murti? In a Christian church? And symbols of the six world religions in a glass pane? I don't think that the amalgated church exists yet, or that Dad was a member of it.
Christian: Hey kiddo.
Jack: Okay, I think I speak for the audience when I ask: WHAT'S GOING ON?
Christian: Simple, son. You remember that popular theory about what the island really was?
Jack: What, you mean that it was all some reality TV show?
Christian: What? No, the other one!
Jack: Oh, you mean when this was all some experiments by aliens?
Christian: What, no not that one either-wait, that was a theory?
Jack: Wouldn't surprise me.
Christian: No, think of the most popular one, the one that was hinted at several times?.
Jack: -Oh, you mean how people thought that the island was some sort of purgatory! Yes, I remember. It got shot down by the writers along with the smoke monster being nanobots, what about it?
Christian: Well, this time round, it happens to be true.
Jack:…WHA? You mean to tell me…I'M DEAD?
Christian: Pretty much, yeah.
Jack: Wow. Now I know how Bruce Willis felt.
Commentator: Meh. Saw it coming.
Christian: What? How did you know?
Commentator: Well, Hurley and Ben kinda gave it away with the whole 'you were a good number two and you were a good number one'.
Christian: Hurley!
Hurley: What, was a pointless scene with a a prisoner reference too much to ask?
Jack: Okay, I get that, but still…WHAT'S going on?
Christian: Well, basically this is a place that you all created in order to find each other and move on.
Jack: Dang it Dad I'm a doctor not a theologian, are you trying to tell me that this is some kind of personal purgatory for all of us?
Commentator: You know purgatory doesn't actually mean any sort of temporary afterlife. Purgatory's basically a temporary hell for people to go for all their minor sins because only pure souls can enter Heaven. Hence the name 'Purgatory'. You know, Purgatory. Purge. Purge the soul of all its evil?
Christian: Well then what does the Catholic Church call a limboey place between Heaven and Earth?
Commentator: They call it 'Limbo'. And that's just a theory.
Christian: Yeah, but it doesn't have the same ring to it as Purgatory.
Jack: Okay fine, but, does that mean my son was just an hallucination or did he have his own mind? And what about the others who died? Were people like Mikhail or Keamy actually souls or just artificial constructs? And if Eloise, Daniel, Charlotte, Ben or Miles were also souls, what happens when we leave. Do our contributions just vanish? If so does that mean that the sideways are more interconnected rather than having strict boundaries? And what happens to souls if they happen to die-
Christian: I wouldn't think about it too much if I was you.
Jack: Okay. So, what happens now?
Christian: Think 'Titanic'.
Jack: Oh right! Gotcha!
Claire: Yay! We're all together again!
Writers: Well we thought it was only fair to give you a happy ending after all the crap we've put you through. Think of it as our version of taking Harry Potter out for coffee.
Aaron: Well it's all right for everyone else, but I'm stuck as a baby!
Claire: Be quiet, Aaron!
Aaron: Yes mother.
(Christian opens the doors to the church)
Sayid: You know I find it kinda offensive that the place where we all move on is a Christian church yet I'm not Christian.
(Light pours in)
Hurley: What? You didn't notice the non-Christian artifacts and the window pane with symbols of all the major six religions?
Sayid: Huh. Must have missed that.
Hurley: How? How could you have possibly missed that?
(Light engulfs everyone)
Sayid: Because shut up.
Jack: Huh. I wonder why this scene suddenly reminds me of the final moments of Robin Hood in the most recent tv show? BLEAH.
(Credits roll).
Commentator: (With a hankerchief) Sniff, I just love a bittersweet ending! I think I might cry!
Professor: Wow, Sir. That is-surprisingly sentimental of you to admit.
Commentator: You're right, so you'd better not tell anyone I said that!
Professor: No, Sir.
Sammy: I was disappointed that we didn't get all the answers!
Commentator: Meh, the episode and the ending were so good I couldn't care about the remaining unanswered questions like 'what's the hurley bird' or 'where did the crate come from' or 'what's jack's favourite colour'?
Professor: What about what the psychic saw and why was it so crucial that Claire raised Aaron?
Commentator: Okay that is an important question. But other than that I thought it was a good episode. It's ironic that something that seemed so pointless and contradicted everything 'Lost' supposedly was and took away from the series would made this such a great finale! I mean looking back at it, it was so obvious that the flash-sideways were not what they appeared to be. I mean the writers even said that having a Jack in an alternate reality was not how the show worked. And it turned out it wasn't, we just assumed they lied and changed everything. We should've had more faith that they knew what they were doing. Of course after the time travel fiasco, who could blame us? It's clear that Matthew Fox was the liar. Flash ending a third way into the series. Puh!
Sammy: But Boss! They did lie, they completely changed what they said the island wasn't!
Commentator: -What? What are you talking about, Sammy?
Sammy: Well, the writers strictly told us that they weren't in Purgatory , but now it turns out that they were all along!
Commentator: -What, no they weren't! It was the sideways that were the limbo, not the island! Wasn't that made perfectly clear?
Sammy: But Boss, remember the plane wreckage shown at the end? That clearly showed that they all died on the island and went to Purgatory.
(The Commentator stares at Sammy. Eventually he kicks him across the room)
Sammy: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
(Smashes into several items off screen. A cat can be heard screeching)
Commentator: You moron, Sammy! Even if you didn't know that was the producers idea and not the writers, that was clearly put in in order to commemorate the series to show how it all began! Jeez, talk about over-analysis!