A/N: Don't blame me. Blame boredom.
Disclaimer: I own a nice cardboard box and some pop tarts. Thats pretty much it. So theres no way I could own Peter Pan.
Peter Pan
A Satire
Peter is in Wendy's bedroom looking for his shadow.
Peter: My shadow is alive!
Wendy: Strange boy, what are you doing in my room at this time of night?
Peter: Looking for my shadow.
Wendy: Are you like a stalker or something? Or are you high?
Peter: No, my shadow is alive I tell you! Look, it's moving! (Peter runs towards his own shadow and crashes into the wall.)
Wendy: Yes, he must be high.
Peter: Where is Tinkerbell when you need her?
Wendy: Who's Tinkerbell?
Peter: Tinkerbell is my flying skank!
Wendy: I don't believe in flying skanks! (Supergirl drops dead in some other universe.)
Peter: Tink is so hard to find when she's high on crack.
Wendy: Are you telling me that there's some skank flying around who could possibly be an easy target for perverts?... Where can I find this flying skank?
(Nana the dog charges into the scene and mauls Peter.)
Peter: OH MY GOD! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Wendy: Shut up you stupid mutt! You're so annoying! (Wendy eventually kicks dog away, but it's too late. Peters dead.)
Wendy: Darn it!
Peter Pan Fanclub: No! You can't kill Peter! We love him!
Oh, all right.
Peter: I'm alive! I'm alive! (Spits out blood and teeth.)
Wendy: That's disgusting! I am a respectable English young lady! Surely I have better taste than some creep who climbs through people's windows in the middle of the night, obviously on drugs, and looking for his shadow which he thinks is alive?
Peter: My shadow is alive!
Wendy: See what I mean!
Look, just play along. It's in you're contract.
Peter: My shadow is al-
Wendy: If you say that one more time, I am going to SEW the shadow to your feet. With a needle!
Peter: ... That doesn't sound very safe.
Wendy: This isn't fair! Am I even going to get paid for this!
I'm the one writing this script, so shut the hell up!
Wendy: Oh fine!
Peter: Tink! I finally found you! (He hugs a Barbie doll.)
Wendy: That's my Barbie, you dumbass!
Peter: Oh, right.
(Tinkerbell flies in through the window but crashes into a book shelf.)
Wendy: A flying skank!
Peter: Tink!
Tinkerbell: Like oh, my, gosh! I was like, so totally stoned that I like, woke up in, like, a trashcan in, like, Norway! Like, who goes there! Anyways, I was like, oh my gosh, like, where's Peter! But now, I, like, totally, like, found, like, you! …..LIKE!
Wendy: This is too weird.
(Tinkerbell looks at Wendy.)
Tinkerbell: Should I be jealous?
Peter: Should I get some mud?
Should I call Springer?
Peter: Wendy, come to Neverland with us!
Wendy: Isn't that a country?
Peter: No, it's the place where children go so they don't have to grow up! There are mermaids, and, pirates, and adventure!
Wendy: No thanks, I'd rather stay here and go to school than go to every kid's dreamland.
Peter: There are also shiny things!
Wendy: Why didn't you say so? How do we get there!
Peter: You just think happy thoughts, and they lift you into the air! (He starts flying around the room.)
Wendy: I got it! Blood, guts, slime and gore! (She jumps off her bed and falls face first into the floor. Tinkerbell laughs her ass off.)
Tinkerbell: Works every time!
Peter: Silly girl, you have to get high on fairy dust first!
Wendy: Maybe you could of told me that before I jumped, you dumbass! (Peter blows fairy dust on her. Wendy starts to float.)
Wendy: I'm flying!
Peter: To Neverland!
Tinkerbell: To crack! (They all fly out the window with the song "You Can Fly" playing in the background)
Wendy: OH MY GOD! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! (Wendy crashes into a bell tower and dies)
SPLAT!
Peter: Whoa!
Tinkerbell: Ouch!
Cut the music!
Peter: I didn't see that coming! (Peter and Tinkerbell have a moment of silence.)
Tinkerbell: Want to get high?
Peter: Damn straight.
The End
Yes. I am as imaginitive as I am stupid. Everyone will now try to project their faces of bewilderment through their reviews.