Upon the Morrow – Part 1
Blast my noble heart, I thought to myself. When did I develop this iron-clad sense of duty anyway?
As if I didn't already know.
"You know, Anora…. there is another option." By the Maker, you would think that someone just ran a sword through my gut. "You have the experience and the acumen to rule. Alistair has Maric's bloodline. You could… use this to your advantage." I could feel the tips of my pointed ears burning.
"Oh?" The queen scowled. "And set up the bastard son of a bastard son to inherit the throne? And here I thought we were making progress in coming to an agreement," Anora narrowed her eyes and gave me the look that every elf in Thedas has seen on all human faces at least once in their lives... never his though. Never his.
"Perhaps elves are more… forgiving about such things. But the noble houses of Ferelden are not."
"Elves take their bonding and procreation very seriously." Well, elves from Ferelden anyway. Antiva was apparently another story. "But I was not proposing an heir conceived on the wrong side of the sheets. I was proposing…" I could hardly get the words out. I swallowed and steeled myself. "I was proposing a proposal. One that would lead to a joint rule between you and Alistair." I couldn't put to words what I really meant, I just couldn't. They would not come.
Anora looked surprised, then intrigued. "Marry Alistair? That IS an interesting thought, Warden. My word, what would Cailan say if he knew…" She stroked her chin in contemplation. "There are worse ways to rule. I ruled for five years in Cailan's name, what difference will it make, truly, to rule through his half-brother? And he seems handsome enough. Hopefully we could conceive an heir with his looks any my brains…"
My heart leapt into my chest, an angry fire. "You speak of him like he's a stallion available for stud! Made for pleasure riding and siring strong colts on your favorite mare as you lead him around by the nose," I told the queen vehemently.
Anora smirked and raised an eyebrow at me. "You mean to imply that he is not exactly that? For I could have sworn I thought you meant by your proposal." I glared at her, trying to keep the pain out of my expression. But she saw it anyway. Her grin disappeared and she cocked her head a bit to the side, reading my face like an open codex.
"You're… you're in love with him, aren't you Warden?"
"Your majesty, I…." I squirmed, knowing that the truth was now the bronto in the room that could not be ignored. "Yes. Yes I am. And he returns my love."
By Andraste's Ashes, why did I ever let him filch the key to my heart's strongbox??
"But I am his first love, and he loves me as only a newly besotted man can, with the blind loyalty of a puppy not the devotion of a man." Or so I'm going to tell you, Anora Mac Tir Traitorsdatter. I know better. "But he is steadfast and true, and I know he will permit no lovers to his bed, were he married under the gaze of the Maker and the world."
Filch the key, you fool? You handed it to him on a platter. And now you're surprised to find his daggers in there? Fool. Lovesick fool.
"That may be true. But I wonder, Warden… would you turn him down in a moment of weakness?" Anora said, not unkindly. "If your shining knight dropped his shield in a trying moment, and gave in to the call of love over that of duty? What then?"
I swallowed, trying desperately not to let the tears fall. "Alistair values duty over passion in all things. Any time during our travels, if I even considered doing something less than noble, he was there with a strong word and a scowling face." Will he scowl like that when I tell him what I have done here, I wonder? "He will not falter. And… and I intend to make it easier for him to decide. I will tell him before the Landsmeet of this plan, and that we can no longer continue…. this…"
"Fraternizing," Anora said. Hearing her repeat Morrigan's words stung all the more. She was, however, trying to lesson the blow by making light of it. Perhaps she would indeed be a good match for Alistair.
"Err, yes. Fraternizing. As you say. There shall be no more fraternizing."
"You are a Grey Warden, and all know of how you toiled to save Arl Eamon and his son. You do not speak such words lightly. Very well. I will think on what you propose and speak to Eamon about this."
"Please, Anora, I mean, your Majesty. Please grant me leave to speak to Alistair first. I do not want him to hear this plan from anyone else's lips."
"Granted. I will speak to the arl upon the morrow. Now, if you would excuse me… I must prepare myself for this as well. I must pray to the Maker for strength and guidance… and thank him for your sacrifice."
That did it. I had no hope of holding back the tears, not now. Not after that. With a curt nod, I headed from the queen's chamber, not unhastily. I said nothing, not trusting my voice to carry out the words.
"Tabris…" she called after me. Strange that she would call me by my real name. I stopped, but did not turn.
"Yes, your majesty?" I managed to choke out.
"I would not be… wroth… were I to learn that you were to spend this last night with him. But upon the dawn, I will hold you to your word and move forward with this plan."
"As you wish, your majesty"
Out in the hallway, I lost all control of my composure, much to the surprise and chagrin of the two guards stationed outside the queen's chambers. To see a Grey Warden crying like a spoiled princess must have been a sight to see. I ran down the hall and out of the arl's estate into the yard, intent on being as far from anyone I knew until I could get a firm grasp on my emotions.
But my shield was there, in the yard. Maker take him and his sweet, protective hide. Not even he can shield me from myself.