It is decidedly unnerving to have the Ruby and the Sapphire working next to me, fused, as I work on the programming for the drill. The increasing time pressure of the cluster forming within some few earth rotations did not help either, but it is definitely difficult to work on the programming when I have to look over every few moments to ensure the fusion isn't doing anything… unsavory.
I would have asked them to unfuse again, but I have only recently regained my freedom from the disgusting post of rotting organic material and I have no desire to go back to being tied to it.
Just as I finally manage to get into a focused working state of mind, a flash of white light appears from somewhere in front of me. I scramble back with a gasp as this four armed giant fusion appears from the light, displaying disgusting off-coloured versions of Amethyst's and Pearl's gems. My eyes follow its movements warily as it picks up a drill head harvested from an Alpha kindergarten injector and props it up on the primitive stands.
This seems to catch the other fusion's attention as they stand up from what's left of my escape pod and declare it time for a break before walking off to sit on a stack of some sort of earth material and lean up against the barn. The taller of the two fusions catches my attention again.
It is obvious that Amethyst and Pearl had only fused to pick up the drill head, and now, after they placed it where it needed to go, they unfuse and go off to do their own thing. While still highly unconventional and inappropriate, it is evident that the other crystal gems understand the purpose of fusion even if the permanent fusion did not. It is enough to make fury bubble up inside of me.
"Alright, I'm at my limit," I say as I storm up to the fusion casually leaning against the barn.
The fusion has no reaction to my angry tone and simply replies, "Evening Peridot."
"Explain this to me fusion," I demand, "I can at least make sense of your existence if it's for a functional purpose. But you- you're not using your combined size and strength to do anything!"
The fusion seems to have something different to say about that, "I'm doing something."
I fix the fusion with the most deadpan gaze I can muster given the situation, "And what's that?"
The fusion's eyes are covered and I can't tell if it is looking at me or not. Although I am glad that it at least has the dignity to hide its abnormal number of eyes. In response to my question the fusion simply says, "Stargazing."
I groan. Of course it was something like that. I roll my eyes at tell the fusion, "You can do that alone."
"Don't want to," it has the audacity to reply. I, of course, do not dignify that kind of response with anything more than a grunt. I figure that is would be a good time to leave, but then the fusion pats the stack of organic material next to it in a gesture from Camp Pining Hearts that I recognize as an invitation to sit. I sigh and figure that I have nothing better to do.
I look down at the ground, not saying anything until the fusion says, "You can see Homeworld galaxy from here."
I turn my gaze to the skies, and like the fusion said, the light from Homeworld's stars is visible in Earth's deep purple sky. "You're right," I say. Even though Steven showed me the wonders of Earth and Percy and Pierre, I miss Homeworld. I miss the 'pop' of new gems emerging from the ground. I miss my limb enhancers. I miss talking with other Peridots.
"We're very different," the fusion speaks and for a second, I think, Well obviously, but then it continues and says, "I appreciate that."
"Really?" I question. On homeworld gems were all expected to conform to a standard and it seems like on Earth that there is a similar standard, but hidden.
"If you really want to understand fusion, I could help you," the fusion states, short and to the point as are many of its sentences.
I am understandably cautious about how the fusion thought they could help me understand. What is there to understand? You fuse and you get bigger and stronger, but Peridots are not made to be big and strong. Peridots are made to be intelligent. And being an intelligent gem, I ask for clarification, "What do you mean?"
The fusion turns to face me, bearing a smile on its face which brought no comfort to me.
"Let's fuse."
"OH MY STARS!" I yell. Never, in a million millenia would I have expected that. The sheer idea of fusing with another gem just came across as- revolting. I careen backwards and tumble onto the ground and my cheeks feel warm. Am I blushing? I turn away from the fusion and dust off whatever real and imaginary filth clings to me after that extreme shock.
A look of concern sweeps across the fusion's face before it brings its hands, I cringe slightly looking at the gem in each, in a placating gesture. "I get it," it says, even though I am fairly certain it has no clue what I am feeling in this moment, "You're not ready. That's fair. Another time then."
"No!" I shout before I even know what I'm saying, "No no no. Just- just give me a sec."
I walk away into the barn and I have no idea what I'm doing. One part of me is saying that I shouldn't fuse, that changing from being myself to something entirely new would be destroying whatever spark of individuality that I have been able to nurture since coming to Earth, that I would go from being myself to being another replaceable cog again.
Another part of me is curious. It's the part of me that want to figure out the elusive reason behind why the Ruby and the Sapphire would stay fused like that. It's the part that enjoys the new experiences on Earth and wants to belong here. If Amethyst and Pearl fuse, if Ruby and Sapphire fuse, then why can't I?
I'm about to walk out of the barn with my light-formed being imbued with determination, but then I falter as I realise that I need some sort of reason to have left. The flame painted cans Steven gave me catch my eyes and I hurriedly slip them on before I teeter out of the barn. The fusion is setting up some sort of primitive audio player as I walk towards it, and although the cans were mainly an excuse, the reduction in the height difference between us is appreciated. I will need to make sure to thank Steven later.
The fusion smiles as I approach it and some sort of Earth music starts to play. It reaches out and takes one of my hands and- oh my stars- I'm touching its gem. Another hand reaches out and suddenly I'm touching both of them and the cluster must be emerging because my world is shaking and I hear nothing but the shrill sound of my own internal screaming. On the outside I simply let out a pathetic "Eep" as the fusion spins me around in a dance.
"Get ready," The fusion says, with an undertone that just makes me more and more nervous. For a moment, I don't think I can do it. Like the fusion said, I'm just not ready yet. But, if I back away now, I don't think I will ever have the confidence to try again, so I fill myself with determination and ready myself. The fusion spins me out away from it, and I almost overbalance on the cans, but I keep my grip on the fusion's hand and it pulls me back towards it. There's a bright light and both of us are glowing. Even more than pulling me towards it, the fusion's hand pulls me into it. Then I stop being me and start being we.
The moment when we come into existence is still. Country music plays in the background as Earth plants sway in the night breeze. We look down at dark red and blue gems embedded in off-yellow skin. We are tall, about as tall as Opal. Looking down, we see crushed cans beneath our feet and a pang of guilt runs through us. We'll have to apologize to Peridot and Steven. Wait, but how are we supposed to apologize to ourselves? We'll do it when we split up. But why are we this close? We need to STOP!
Light once again fills the dark night as the fusion separates back into its- her- different components. I do not land very well, and I roll a few times before coming to a stop on the ground. I can only stare at my hands, shuddering. A ghost of the powerful feeling I felt while fused ripples through me and I coil into myself. It was great feeling all that power, but at the cost of Peridot, at the cost of me, it wasn't worth it.
"Peridot, are you okay?" The fusion- no, Garnet- asks. I know and felt too much of her in their fusion and there is no way I could ever go back to thinking of her as just 'the fusion'.
"Get away from me!" I scream at her. I know that she is well meaning and that she isn't going to fuse with me without my permission, but I could not get over those moments that felt like an eternity. It was like I disappeared and I could not and can not stand the feeling.
Garnet stops where she is and stands there for the time it takes for me to calm down. I still can't tell if she is watching me or not behind her shaded visor, but she doesn't move, and that settles me as much as it frightens me.
"I'm proud of you Peridot," Garnet says, and a complicated tangle of feelings rises at that.
"Why?" I manage to get out, hoping that something, anything, could help with the mess that she felt like inside.
"Because you made an effort to understand me" is what she says, and I don't know whether I want to laugh or cry so instead I just yell.
"But I still don't understand you. Why are you fused all the time?" What goes unasked by me is how she could stand it. All the time being someone else, never being yourself.
Garnet stays quiet for a moment. "I'm Percy and Pierre," she says and as soon as she does, Peridot wonders why she didn't just say that in the first place. I let out an "Ohhhh" as the realization comes across me. The greatness that Percy and Pierre are together is objectively superior to the sum of their individual parts and I think I may be starting to see just who Garnet is.
"A-ah," I start nervously, "I understand, just, I think that I prefer being by myself."
"I get it," Garnet says with a smile, and this time I think that I can also feel it, "I like being me too."
Log date 7-14-2. Fusion still eludes me, but I think that I am okay with that. I don't think that I will ever be okay with fusing, but I know that I can be okay with Garnet and I think that was all that really mattered anyways. Peridot, Facet 5. End log.