Going back to how Things were.
Disclaimer: Nope, not mine. And to be honest this is far too sappy to be really MGM's.
Rating: Surprise, surprise. I think this kinda is a tiny R..Yeah, it shocked me too. Oh well, I blame the late hour and my guttered mind. Amen.
Paring: Well, dúh. S/J of course.
Summary: Post ep, Beneath the Surface. I know this has been done a million times before. But I just needed to add my own personal take on it. So here's Jack and Sam, set after the events of Beneath the Surface, and they're both pondering the fact whether they can ever go back to how things were.
A/N: Yeah I know, I was in the mood for this. Don't ask me why. Sometimes I just can't find any good fic online and I tend to write some of my own ideas down. Although I've been quite inspirationless (And yes, I just made that word up) these past couple of weeks, I had to put my mind on something else. Since I'm also writing this other fic which is called; We're Okay Now, Right? And to be honest, I couldn't think of a good next chapter 4. I'd like written 5 different scenario's, none of which I liked. So all of a sudden I started writing this to keep my mind off that other fic. And now this one's also turning into a follow up.. and crap.. I just know I will run out of ideas for this one too.. anyway. I didn't really check it for spell or gram mistakes, cause right now I'm far too tired, hehe, I'll check it out soon though! Don't you worry and for now.. erhm.. well.. Enjoy!
"I should go."
Her words lingered in the electrifying atmosphere. The tension building with every second she remained. Her mind telling her to leave, her will protesting vehemently. She should go. It was the most rational thing to do and although her eyes betrayed her real feelings. She knew she couldn't stay. Yet she didn't move, made no effort to leave the room. Neither did he.
Their stares intensified. Mesmerized by the forbidden lines their gazes crossed.
"You should."
Confused she considered his words.
"What?"
"Go. You should go."
She dropped her gaze. Once again realizing they were travelling a dangerous path. Walking a fine line that had better be left alone.
"Ther-Carter."
Her eyes shot back to his. The tension building once again as he'd almost spoken the name that defied most of her recent feelings of desperation. Thera. Overall she considered it to be a foreign name, one she had never heard before, yet didn't sound uncommon. It had been a simple name, one she had easily gotten used to. Never having known better either. Jonah. His name, the one that defined most of his secrets and hidden desires as well.
Those two people lay behind them now, buried underneath more memories of regret and unvoiced thoughts. But Thera and Jonah had had that brief glimpse of what could have been. What it should have been like between Sam and Jack. But could never be, because of Colonel O'Neill and Major Carter.
She turned around. Easing her mind's screams, she headed for the door. Grasping the doorknob with a quivering hand, knowing that if she left and shut the door behind her, Thera and Jonah would be forever gone, replaced by the fearless Colonel and his faithful 2IC. She wasn't sure she could do that. Act as though things between them hadn't changed, when in fact they had. They had changed more than she could have ever imagined.
"What are you laughing at?"
Jonah mockingly looked up at the source of his annoyance. Never had someone challenged his capabilities as this Thera person had done. And the fact that he didn't feel the least bit intimidated by her, worried him.
She'd gotten him to loosen up more than any person he could recall had ever managed to do. And all she had done to get him that far was smile. That radiant smile that lit up her face and made her eyes glisten in the dim orange lights that usually cast frightening shadows over the underground facility.
"Nothing." She answered him, half suppressing her giggles. But her eyes gave her away.
"I thought I told you not to giggle." He seriously stated, barely containing his own smile as he saw her eyes grow wider with joy. She then roughly shoved his arm aside, causing him to stumble backwards and hit the iron wall behind him.
"You know that actually hurt." Rubbing his lower back he playfully caught her arm with his other hand and unintentionally took a step closer. Invading private space, he wasn't even conscience of invading as he pined her against the same wall she'd pushed him into, mere seconds before.
"I can't say I'm sorry, you deserved it mister." She breathed in his face, a playful smile still graced her lips as he suddenly noticed how close their faces actually were and if on queue, Thera's face also lost its radiant smile and got replaced by eyes that shown of awareness, anticipation and the slightest bit of… fear?
He guessed his eyes reflected no different, and although they both knew they shouldn't be entering territory they knew nothing about. He didn't care anymore. However wrong it was he couldn't deny how good it actually felt.
He softly touched his head with her forehead, looking down at her serious eyes as they remained questionably fixed upon his.
"Jonah?" She softly breathed. He knew she had doubts about this. Although having admitted feeling,…. feelings for her. They still didn't know who they actually were, for all they knew they could be brother and sister. He had considered the possibility before, knew it was possible, but his gut was telling him she couldn't be related to him, it was impossible. Yet, another feeling screamed at him something was wrong. Reminding him of a line. An invisible line, he should not cross when it came down to Thera. A feeling that told him she was off limits to him, unreachable, untouchable. Not for him.
She closed her eyes. He knew she was struggling with the same emotions, the same line that prevented them from going any further. She had told him about it, yet in this instant she didn't move away from him either. Neither wanted to move away, as though the forbidden nearness caused their desires to increase.
"Thera?"
She opened her eyes, still so close, but not moving away from his grip.
He felt his desire intensify and in that moment he didn't care anymore. Although the line remained it did not seem as import as it once had. Or as he had once remembered it had. He wasn't sure which statement was right, but if he couldn't remember who he was, did it really matter what they used to be? Off limit or not, did it really matter when they had the here and now?
"This is wrong." She softly whispered as his face drew even closer, his lips only millimetres away from hers.
"I know." Was his only answer before he closed the gap between them. Feeling her resolve budge the moment their lips met. At first slow and exploring, he tested her boundaries. But she gave in quickly and sighed slightly as his hands forced her closer to him, intensifying the kiss and deepening his desire at the same time.
His hands travelled her spin, up to her neck and finally cupped her cheeks in a way he knew he had never touched her before. How he knew he couldn't tell, but an image of her in his arms on a whole different occasion suddenly sprang to life in his mind and he abruptly stopped his exploring. Reluctantly he pulled his lips away from hers, as the memory of the line reintegrated itself in his mind full force and he slowly let go of her, noting how she tried to conceal the confusion and desire that shyly played over her features.
"Don't do that." He told her. But she had already taken a step backwards, doing her best to conceal the remaining emotions that swiftly slid across her face. Confusion, desire, embarrassment, lust but most of all fear and realization seeped across her features, before her eyes went blank, and he knew in that instant that an invisible mask had been pulled back into place. A mask that had always been there. How he knew this, he didn't know, but the blankness in her eyes looked familiar. It told him she was off limits, untouchable, not his to take.
"Carter!"
Her hand stilled on the doorknob. Quivering slightly as she felt his approach. How could she feel this weak and pathetic? It wasn't like her at all. No, Samantha Carter was not dependable, she'd never been dependable, not when she was a child and not when she became a Captain in the US air force, not ever. Yet, her body was telling her things her mind refused to believe and as a real scientist she couldn't ignore the evidence at hand.
She still wanted what she couldn't have.
"Sir, please." She whispered, her breath cascading with the wooden door and she felt how it bounced back and chilled her face.
But he didn't listen, and covered his hand over hers to prevent her from leaving Thera and Jonah behind.
"We need to talk about this."
"What is there to talk about, 'sir'?" She empathised the word 'sir' in hopes he would back off and remember his place. But the statement only seemed to intensify his actions and he roughly turned her to face him. Trapped between the door and him she could only look up into the daunting brown eyes that once had revealed so much more than a now guarded expression she knew lay reflected in hers as well.
"We can't… Jonah, it's wrong."
"Why!?" He let out a frustrated cry.
"For all we know, we're related. maybe I'm married, hell maybe you are. This is not right. We shouldn't mess with something we know nothing about, the consequences could be disastrous, none reversible, or impossible to live with. It's better for…
"Carter!"
Her eyes widened and she immediately clamped her mouth shut. Giving him a penetrating almost anguish look. Silence surrounded them and she saw how realization suddenly dawned on to him too as the atmosphere remained pensive.
She had been aware of the fact that for some time now he had been the only one who had regained more memories of his time before working in the mines than she or Karlan had. And although flashes of a blue velvet light and uniformed people continued to pop up in her dreams she hadn't had any evidence or memory of knowing Jonah before they got transferred from the mines to the facility in which they now worked side by side.
Apparently he'd just provided her with one of his memories. A name. Possibly hers. Carter. However familiar the word sounded, it aroused coldness within her. It sounded formal, unemotional and almost reinforced her suspicious of a line, the line, she shouldn't cross.
"Is that my name?" She asked, half hoping for confirmation yet feeling sadness at the same time.
"I don't know." He sighed. "Does it make a difference anyway?"
"Means we knew each other before the mines."
"I thought we already agreed on that part."
She nodded, dropping her head to the ground. Who was she kidding anyway? She had known Jonah before the mines, she knew it. She could feel it. Precisely how she just knew that Karlan had been a part of her life too. Yet, her relationship with him seemed to be less complicated. More natural. While with Jonah there remained a sensation of unvoiced feelings, longed closeness and forever remaining distance.
Invading her private space for a second time, he laced his fingers with hers and pulled her closer. Any traces of resistance left her mind as soon as his arms found a way around her middle and his mouth softly touched the side of her face. It felt good, she had to admit. She'd felt lonely for a long time, and just having Jonah hold her, forbidden or not, felt comforting.
"You confuse the hell out of me, sir."
She absentmindedly threw at him, unsure why once again she had called him sir.
His hold on her tightened, drawing her more closer to him. His lips trailed the side of her face, and he placed soft kisses along her throat and collarbone. His hands roaming free over her body once again. And she let him. Reconsidering her resolutions and shutting out all sensible reasons for why they shouldn't be doing this. In fact she didn't know why. And part of her had never really known why something that felt so good could be so very wrong.
His lips found hers again and she eagerly answered his desire. Their passion increased by the minute and the protesting screams in her head subsided and turned into small unimportant cries that once held meaning to her, but not now. Not even when he lowered her to the ground. Not even when she let her own hands explore the flesh that lay beneath the ragged working cloths they had been given. And not even when he covered his hand over her mouth to muffle the cries that had slipped past her lips when he took her to oblivion.
"You know damn well what, Major!"
He stared her down, but so did she. Not feeling intimidated by his closeness. She couldn't let herself feel intimidated by it. Off limits. Untouchable, not for her to take or feel. Forbidden. That was what they were.
Regulations.
She remembered now, and she knew why they once had been so important. Crossing the line, meant breaking the rules, and breaking the rules meant reassignment and a possible court martial. And she could not handle not being a part of SG-1 anymore. They were her family, in more than one way.
Fortunately General Hammond had stamped their situation as an 'under the influence of alien technology' case. But she knew he'd had his doubts when the Colonel had informed him of their inappropriately increasing feelings. Of course he'd left out the part in which they had actually acted upon those inappropriate feelings.
But Hammond wasn't a shallow man, she knew he'd sensed the tension between herself and her CO at the debriefing after the whole team had regained most of their memories back. And so it had surprised her, he hadn't vouched for reassignment right afterwards.
His other hand moved to the door and captured her face in a prison like pose. In which his arms had framed her face against the door and himself. But her determination did not waver and their stares continued. Masked by anger and sadness.
His face moved even closer, keeping perfect focus awaiting her reply. And she knew he was hoping for her to break under his glare, to give into the inevitable thoughts she had wanted to voice ever since their memories had forced them back to not crossing the line again.
Finally she sighed and looked away. Knowing it was futile to put off the inevitable.
"What do you want me to say? Tell you I take everything back, I didn't mean it. And was just looking for some meaningless comfort that meant nothing in the long run? I can tell you that if you want to hear it. So we can go back to CO and 2IC again, like nothing ever happened, no regrets, no hidden grudges, no nothing. We could--"
"Carter!"
She fell silent. Knowing that she had been rambling avoiding the real subject at hand. Could they go back to how things were before?
"Can we go back, Jack?" She used his name. It felt foreign and more personal, but wrong. Oh so wrong.
The question left his eyes blank and finally he released his prison like hold on her. Instead his hand came up and cupped her cheek. A gesture he had familiarized himself with while he'd still been Jonah and she'd still been Thera, curled up against him after a long days work and feeling satisfied when his arms sneaked around her.
Not anymore.
"You shouldn't." She warned him, both knowing what she meant. But he didn't let go.
"Do you want to go back?"
"Do we have a choice?" She retorted, knowing the answer was simple yet their feelings complicated things. Why had she crossed that stupid line in the first place? She had been so careful. Weeks she had avoided her feelings for Jonah, and after that it had taken days for them to finally admit that they couldn't stand the lingering tension any longer. Had they remembered in time, the situation in which she found herself now could have been avoided.
Now she doubted they could ever really go back.
"I'd like to think we have."
She nodded and looked down. Sadness swallowing her whole as she pushed away his hand. She'd made her decision. It was the right thing to do, and although it tore at her more than any decision she had ever made before, it had to be done. They had crossed the line, now they had to pay the price, face up to the consequences. And move on.
"I should go."
And she did.
TBC? You tell me!