Thank You, Heavenly
Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day
SEASON 5
EPISODE 29
Airdate: May 21, 2017
"Girl Meets the Express" (Season Finale)
Special Guest Stars: Rowan Blanchard as Riley Matthews, Sabrina Carpenter as Maya Hart/Sarah Bennett, Ben Savage as Cory Matthews, Danielle Fishel as Topanga Lawrence-Matthews, August Maturo as Auggie Matthews, Peyton Meyer as Lucas Friar, Amir Mitchell-Townes as Isaiah "Zay" Babineaux, Corey Fogelmanis as Farkle Minkus, Cecilia Balagot as Isadora Smackle
#TYH529
SCENE 1
The Saltalamacchia Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Wade is shown smiling at a confused RK sitting on a couch.
RK: Dude, are you going to say something? Because you've just been smiling at me for the past five minutes.
WADE: Oh. Right, I invited you here. Well, RK, the time has come for me to unveil my brand new teleportation device. It took a lot longer than expected, but it's finally ready for a test drive.
RK: And you want me to come with you, prompting another crazy sci-fi extravaganza of epic proportions?!
WADE: No, we're not doing that. But you are coming with me to try jumping back and forth from place to place.
RK: Ah, man. I thought we were gonna wrestle gladiators in alternate dimensions or challenge monsters to eating contests.
WADE: RK, do you know what it means to teleport?
RK: I don't know, man. I just needed to get out of the house for a few hours.
WADE: Why don't we start off our adventure with something simple?
SCENE 2
The Saltalamacchia Household
Interior Basement
Seattle, Washington
Wade walks towards the teleporter with RK right behind him.
WADE: This is it, RK. Feast your eyes on it. Admire it. Be in awe of it. Just don't breathe on it or make it weird. This is science, not one of your little fantasies.
RK: Are we going to use this thing or are you going to keep patting yourself on the back?
WADE: Alright, alright, let's get this show on the road. I know exactly where to go for our first stop.
Wade and RK step on the teleporter. Wade presses a button on his teleportation remote and they vanish into thin air.
SCENE 3
The Newman Condominium
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
A bored Buster is watching TV that day.
BUSTER: Yawn. What a boring, uninteresting day. God, please let something happen to me today.
At that point, RK and Wade appear in front of the TV.
BUSTER: Aaah, what the hell is...
RK: Hi Buster.
BUSTER: But you guys...how did...
RK: Bye Buster.
RK and Wade then vanish. A shocked Buster looks up at the ceiling.
BUSTER: Come on, man, if I said I wanted it to rain poisonous frogs, would you make that happen too?!
A frantic Buster quickly pulls out his phone and starts calling someone.
BUSTER: Come on. Pick up, pick up!
SPARKY: Hey Buster. What's up?
BUSTER: SPARKY, RK AND WADE ARE MAGICIANS!
SPARKY: What?
BUSTER: I just saw them in my living room. They were here for one second, then all of a sudden, it's like they just disappeared! They have magic powers now!
SPARKY: Dude, you probably just saw something you thought was RK and Wade and freaked out. They don't have magic powers.
BUSTER: How do you know that?! I know what I saw, Sparky! We have to investigate. Call the police, the SWAT team, GET JA RULE ON THE PHONE! ANYBODY THAT CAN HELP US DO SOMETHING!
SPARKY: Buster, it's 1:38 in the afternoon and you're screaming in my ear. I don't appreciate this.
SCENE 3
The Saltalamacchia Household
Interior Basement
Seattle, Washington
Wade and RK return on the original launching pad of the teleporter.
WADE: Okay, we've hit Buster's place, the school, Ike's, the laundromat, and the tattoo parlor that was closed down after multiple homicides. This was a great test run.
RK: Yeah, this surely was the cat's meow. Wade, I don't mean to be rude, but I figured bouncing back and forth from place to place would be way more exciting than this. I left my house expecting some Game of Thrones shit, but all I've been getting is Postcards from Buster shit.
WADE: What do you know about Game of Thrones?
RK: I know KG doesn't even allow himself to watch it anymore.
WADE: Look, if it means anything to you to get some big epic odyssey, we'll go someplace new. But just know that this may be what you want, but it's not really what you need.
RK: Yeah, yeah, sure, all that's cool, but let's go.
WADE: Alright, I'm only following you here.
RK and Wade step onto the teleporter. There is an awkward pause for a few seconds.
RK: Well?
WADE: Well, what?
RK: Are we gonna go anywhere or what?
WADE: I just put the remote on random mode. Right now, it's up to the device itself to pick our destination for us.
RK: Oh, I get it. The road decided on is the road less traveled, right?
WADE: No. You almost had something insightful there to say, but no.
SCENE 4
The Matthews Household
Interior Riley's Bedroom
New York, New York
Riley and Maya are sitting at the bay window together. Riley is smiling while Maya looks around, confused.
RILEY: What are we doing today, Peaches?
MAYA: I don't know. But you're smiling a lot today so who knows what's going to happen?
RILEY: I just feel like something's really special in the air today. Life could drop in an unexpected visitor, life could tell us an important secret. Life is about to give us something that could change the way we think forever.
MAYA: Do you always have to see life as some dramatic, game-changing event?
RILEY: Of course it is. What do you see it as?
MAYA: I'll get back to you on that. I'm too lazy to think right now.
At that point, RK and Wade fall through a small portal and crash land on the floor of Riley's room.
WADE: Ow!
RK: Dammit! Ugh, my back. Now I'm going to have to force myself to see Dr. Krieger.
WADE: What the...
RK and Wade begin to realize where they are as they look around the room a bit, while never locking eyes with a visibly shocked Riley and Maya.
RK: Wait a minute. Colorful carpeting? Clothes scattered around the room? A walk-in closet?! Wade, where the hell did your machine take us?!
WADE: According to the teleportation remote, we're somewhere in the Greenwich Village of New York City.
MAYA: Wait, who are you...
RILEY: STRANGERS!
Riley pulls out her whistle and blows it before Maya can stop her, causing RK and Wade to scream out of fear.
RK: Are you insane? What's the matter with you?
RILEY: You two are unknown people that dropped into my life out of nowhere. I don't know what the universe brought you here to do with me, but the answer is no.
WADE: We don't even know who you are! What intentions could we possibly have?
MAYA: Don't take it personally, guys. She blows that whistle every time she meets a new person.
RILEY: I only blew this whistle on you when you stole my crayon.
MAYA: I was giving it back to you. You said I could use it!
RILEY: That doesn't mean I'm easily trusting.
RK: Wade, I wanna go home now. I've seen enough.
WADE: Hang on a minute, RK. These two seem peculiar yet interesting. Maybe we should find out more about them.
RK: Well, whoever the brunette is, she needs a CAT scan. Hi, I'm RK Jennings.
WADE: And I'm Wade Saltalamacchia. We're best friends on a teleportation trip.
MAYA: I'm Maya Hart and this is my best friend, Riley Matthews.
RILEY: Welcome to our world, young strangers!
RK: You just blew the stranger danger whistle on us and now you're the welcoming committee?
RILEY: Life always has a place for welcoming new friends. That's what my daddy taught me.
MAYA: Secret of life.
RILEY: Maya, that's not the secret of life.
MAYA: What makes you think I listen to what your dad says in class?
WADE: Wait a minute. Your father's a teacher?
RILEY: Yeah. He taught us history in junior high and now he's teaching us in high school.
RK: Okay, now I have a few theories as to why you ended up this way.
The kids hear knocking at the door.
CORY: Riley, is everything okay in there?
RK: Oh no! Wade, hit the deck! They can't spot us!
WADE: You read my mind, buddy.
RK and Wade disappear when Wade presses his teleportation remote. Cory and Topanga then walk in.
TOPANGA: Riley, is everything okay? You blew the whistle.
RILEY: Oh yeah, Mom. Everything's fine. I thought I saw that guy who throws apples at the window again.
CORY: I'm surprised nobody's taken that guy to the precinct yet.
TOPANGA: Well, until he proves he's a danger to the community, they don't really have a case.
CORY: There's always a stupid catch. Well, guys, wash up. It's almost time for lunch.
RILEY: Wait a minute, what day is this?
MAYA: It's Saturday.
RILEY: That's what I thought, but it really feels like a Tuesday to me.
Cory and Topanga leave the room. A few seconds later, RK and Wade reappear.
MAYA: Okay, you guys have to show us how to do that.
WADE: It's simple. All I did was teleport back to my house, then reverse the original coordinates which brought us back here.
RILEY: Go on.
WADE: That's it.
MAYA: So do you guys live around here?
RK: No, we're actually from Seattle.
RILEY: Then what in the world made you guys come all the way to the other side of the country?
RK: The thrill of adventure.
WADE: I just put my remote on random mode and for some inexplicable reason, we ended up here.
RK: Yeah, sure, de-legitimize my previous statement.
MAYA: You know, we would love to chat some more, but it's time for lunch.
RILEY: Why can't they come, Peaches?
MAYA: Because, sweetie, they can't be seen. They're traveling with advanced technology and can't draw attention to themselves.
RILEY: I don't know what I would do without you.
MAYA: Please, between us, you're the ray of sunshine.
RILEY: The universe knows every day with you is a sunny day.
Beat.
RK: Am I the only one who doesn't know what the f*** this is?
WADE: You know, we actually want to hang around you guys some more.
RK: We do?
WADE: Yes, we do. Where could we go to hang out until then?
RILEY: You could go to my mother's bakery, Topanga's. Our friends should be there too.
WADE: Okay, cool. We'll meet up then.
RILEY: Yay, this is great! We have new friends! Life knows what we want!
MAYA: Hey, what I want right now is whatever your folks are serving.
RILEY: You know, Maya, I always wondered why I never get to eat at your place.
MAYA: Do you really want the answer to that question?
RILEY: Not necessarily.
MAYA: There you go.
Riley and Maya then leave the room.
WADE: They seem really nice. Kinda strange, but really nice simultaneously.
RK: Well, Maya's cool, but Riley gives me the creeps. She's older than KG, why is she acting like a female Peter Pan?
WADE: Hey, some people are like that. Maybe she didn't have a normal childhood.
RK: Please, Michael Jackson didn't have a normal childhood. This girl's in her second childhood. Let's go before anyone else catches us, or we could just go home and pretend this never happened.
WADE: I don't know. I just get this strange urge to know more about Riley and Maya and explore their world. Don't you?
RK: I guess when you put it that way, I feel the same. Almost like this was supposed to happen.
WADE: Exactly. So how are we going to escape when we can't be seen by Riley's parents?
RK: We could just use the fire escape.
WADE: Are you insane? We'll kill ourselves!
RK: Wade, it's a fire escape. And we don't have many options.
WADE: So I guess we're just going to rule out the possibility of teleporting to Topanga's?
Beat.
RK: See, that's why you're here, Wade. To give the logic to situations. Alright, let's get out of here.
Wade presses his remote and he and RK vanish.
SCENE 5
The Newman Condominium
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Buster brings Jaylynn into his house by grabbing her arm.
BUSTER: See, it was right here. Right near the TV about twenty minutes ago. This is the spot where RK and Wade showed up and then poofed away. I'm telling you, it's insane.
JAYLYNN: What's insane is the fact that I was showering when you called me, and even after I was dressed, you showed up to my house to drag me to absolutely nothing.
BUSTER: Jaylynn, this isn't a joke.
JAYLYNN: I don't think it is either. I think it's really f***ing stupid.
BUSTER: Look, the fact of the matter is, RK and Wade have magic powers and I caught them. I bet the next time I see them, they'll knock me out and tell me not to expose them.
JAYLYNN: Buster, if you're so sure that RK and Wade have magic powers, why don't you just call them and ask?
BUSTER: No one's just going to admit to that, Jaylynn. This is bigger than us. This is a matter of life and death. This is something that will change the world as we know it.
JAYLYNN: This is something that happens when you don't get enough sleep. Just call them, dammit.
BUSTER: Alright. Bossing me around and whatnot. You're probably in on it and just not wanting to expose yourself.
Buster calls RK's number and it starts ringing.
BUSTER: So you're excited for the last day of school?
JAYLYNN: Do you really care what I think?
BUSTER: Of course, I do.
JAYLYNN: Okay, well, I guess...
BUSTER: Hang on, Sparky, I'm talking to RK. So you thought you could get away with it, didn't you?
Cut to RK and Wade in front of Topanga's.
RK: Get away with what? What are you talking about?
BUSTER: I'm talking about the fact that you and Wade came here and disappeared like nobody's business. Thought you could pull the okie doke, but Buster don't play that.
RK: You know, I would love to sit here and chat with you about that, but Wade and I have a busy day ahead of us. We're in New York City.
BUSTER: What the hell are you guys in New York for?
RK: What the...well, I never!
RK hangs up the phone.
WADE: Why did you hang up?
RK: The nerve of that boy talking to me like that. Did you not hear that?
WADE: Call him back, man.
RK: Later. In the meantime, let's get a muffin while we wait for Riley and Maya.
Cut to Buster and Jaylynn.
BUSTER: Okay, so apparently, they're in New York. Can you believe that?
JAYLYNN: It's really something. Could I go back home and finish my shower?
BUSTER: Jaylynn, did you not hear what I said? RK AND WADE ARE IN NEW YORK CITY!
JAYLYNN: Oh, I heard what you said. I just don't think it's my place to care about it.
SCENE 6
Topanga's
Interior Booth
New York, New York
RK and Wade are eating muffins in the booth normally occupied by Riley and her friends. RK looks around the bakery in suspicion.
RK: Wade, does this count as our summer trip?
WADE: No, of course not.
RK: Good, 'cause we can do way better than this. So this is Topanga's. Nice little bistro or deli or something.
WADE: I thought it was a coffee shop.
RK: It just might be, but who really knows?
At this point, Farkle, Lucas, Smackle, and Zay walk into the bakery.
LUCAS: Zay, I just don't see the point in copying my notes if you don't study for the test.
ZAY: Oh, I don't really like studying. I just want Mr. Matthews to know I didn't waste class time.
FARKLE: Hey, who are those guys in our booth?
ZAY: Oh, so we leave for one day and people think they own it. Now that's just bad manners.
SMACKLE: I'm sure if we ask them nicely, they'll be happy to give it back to us.
The guys walk over to RK and Wade.
LUCAS: Hey, guys, you're kinda sitting in our booth there.
RK: Is your name on it?
LUCAS: No.
RK: Then go away. Stupid teenagers trying to harass little kids.
WADE: Look, if you guys want the booth, we'll go. We're just waiting for some people.
RK: No, we won't. Wade, these are New Yorkers, the toughest bunch in the country. If we don't stand our ground now, we're going to regret it for the rest of our lives!
Wade takes a closer look at the guys.
WADE: I don't think these are the kind of New Yorkers we need to worry about. Come on, let's go somewhere else.
RK and Wade leave the booth at that point.
FARKLE: So Lucas, how was your date with Riley the other day?
LUCAS: Oh, it was cool. We went to go see Trolls.
ZAY: Why? Did you lose a bet or something?
LUCAS: No, that's just the movie Riley wanted to see. She thought one of the trolls sounded like Justin Timberlake and when I said it was him, she told me I was a dirty liar.
SMACKLE: I don't get why people just sit around and watch two hours of CGI-animated marketing strategies.
ZAY: You told me one of your favorite movies was Peabody and Sherman.
SMACKLE: That's different! It was a social commentary on time travel!
RK: Hey, wait a minute. Did you just mention Riley?
LUCAS: Yeah, I'm her boyfriend. Wait, am I allowed to say that on camera? Beat. Yeah, I'm Riley's boyfriend.
RK: Oh, well, in that case, I'm sorry for being so short with you. Riley and Maya are actually who we're waiting for.
FARKLE: How do you guys know Riley and Maya?
WADE: Well, we ended up teleporting here randomly to New York and ended up in Riley's room.
ZAY: Oh, come on, do you really think we're stupid enough to fall for that?
Wade takes out his teleportation remote.
ZAY: Well, I'm sold. I want to go to Vegas! I want to gamble and drink my first glass of wine!
LUCAS: Zay, I don't think that...
ZAY: SHUT UP, LUCAS. DON'T KEEP ME AWAY FROM MY DREAM!
FARKLE: This is miraculous. How were you successfully able to complete teleportation?
SMACKLE: Yeah, honestly, I'm skeptical about how you pulled this off.
RK: Hey, don't question the work of my boy. He has absolutely nothing to prove to any of you.
WADE: Oh, don't worry about it, RK. They just want to know how it's done. But we can't do it here.
LUCAS: Why not?
WADE: Because this technology is state of the art and ahead of its time. It gets into the wrong hands, it could be game over for all of us. Besides, don't you think teleporting in a public place is a little weird?
FARKLE: He has a point. I know exactly where we can go to test your scientific prowess.
ZAY: Just to make sure, you're still sending me to Vegas, right? Because I wasn't playing when I said that.
SCENE 7
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Sparky and Buster are watching TV that same day.
SPARKY: Wait a minute, Buster. Did you say that RK and Wade are in New York City right now?
BUSTER: Yeah, I did. About ten minutes ago.
SPARKY: I'm sorry, I just realized you talked. But whatever the case may be, we have to find out why.
BUSTER: Now you see what I saw. Those two clowns came here to my house with their magic powers, and now they're in the Big Apple. We have to stop them!
SPARKY: Wait...Buster, that's it! The teleportation device!
BUSTER: The what?
SPARKY: Wade must have completed his teleporter and now he's traveling back and forth with RK. That's why they were there earlier. We can use the teleporter to find them!
BUSTER: Sparky, that's genius! At least you're on board. Not like Jaylynn who just wants to shower.
SPARKY: Yeah, you never interrupt Jaylynn when she's cleaning herself. She gets really cranky.
BUSTER: Oh.
SPARKY: Yeah.
SCENE 8
The Saltalamacchia Household
Interior Basement
Seattle, Washington
Sparky and Buster are staring down the teleportation device.
SPARKY: You know, I question how much free time Wade has to build this stuff.
BUSTER: Sparky, I'm worried. What if we end up breaking Wade's toy? Then we'll never find him and RK and they'll be stuck in New York City forever!
SPARKY: I mean, air travel does exist, Buster. But we have to take that risk. I'm sick of RK and Wade going on these crazy adventures that we never get involved in. I mean, I can be crazy too. I can be reckless. The other day, there was some expired yogurt in the fridge...ate it anyway.
BUSTER: That's insane!
SPARKY: Yup, but it happened.
SCENE 9
Abigail Adams High School
Interior Boy's Bathroom
New York, New York
Farkle, Lucas, Smackle, and Zay lead RK and Wade into the boys' bathroom.
FARKLE: Okay, Wade. If you're really skilled enough to successfully complete the art of teleportation, you can prove it here.
WADE: Farkle, are you sure it's a good idea to do it here?
FARKLE: Very few people come in here anyway. Except for the janitor with the lazy eye that doesn't know what time it is.
RK: If we're all going to be crowded in here like this, then Smackle has to go.
SMACKLE: I agree with RK. I shall be the lookout. I will be as invasive and annoying as the North American raccoon on common household trash.
FARKLE: Ugh, I love it when you bring up animal facts.
ZAY: Farkle, there are kids here. Keep your hormones in check.
LUCAS: Okay, let's just try this teleporter thing before Riley and Maya wonder where we are.
Smackle leaves the room while the boys head into a nearby stall.
RK: Oh God, five boys trapped in a stall? This shit has to be an after school special.
WADE: Alright, guys, stand back and look alive. Time to take us all to Seattle and back here.
Cut to Jaylynn watching TV and the kids suddenly appearing in the house.
LUCAS: Wait, this is Seattle?
ZAY: There aren't a whole lot of non-white people who live here, right?
RK: My mom says it was much worse in the nineties.
JAYLYNN: What the f*** is this shit?
FARKLE: Um, who's that?
WADE: Just ignore her.
RK: Yeah, and don't stare into her eyes too long or you'll disintegrate. She's known to do that.
The boys then vanish and a shocked Jaylynn picks up the phone.
JAYLYNN: Hello?
BUSTER: Yeah, Jaylynn?
JAYLYNN: RK AND WADE HAVE MAGIC POWERS!
BUSTER: Oh, so now, you want to jump on the bandwagon?
The boys then reappear in the bathroom stall.
LUCAS: Okay, that was insane. You really did teleport to Riley's!
FARKLE: I can't believe this. Everything I knew about science has been a lie. I mean, did Tesla even invent his high voltage coil?
WADE: Farkle, I don't think it's a big deal.
FARKLE: No, it is, man. You've ruined science for me! I can't even do my laugh anymore. Farkle takes a deep breath. Hah?
LUCAS: You haven't been able to do that in a really long time.
FARKLE: What's wrong with still giving it a try?
Cut to Smackle outside the bathroom talking to a boy.
SMACKLE: So those slacks, you got them from Old Navy or what?
BOY: Will you get out of my face and let me use the frigging bathroom?
SMACKLE: Only if you can answer the following trivia question. Who invented the periodic table in 1869?
BOY: I don't know or care!
SMACKLE: Well, there are other bathrooms downstairs. Why don't you use them instead?
SCENE 10
The Matthews Household
Interior Living Room
New York, New York
Auggie is drawing aggressively in his coloring book, which attracts Cory and Topanga's attention while they clear the kitchen table.
CORY: What's wrong with the little guy?
TOPANGA: I don't know. You should talk to him.
CORY: Why me? You're his mother. You birthed him!
TOPANGA: Well, you're his father. You're the biggest male influence he has, and Cory, this marriage is an equal partnership so the last thing I need is another way for you to get out of your fatherly duties!
Beat.
CORY: They want you to take the rolls!
TOPANGA: What?
CORY: Undapants?
TOPANGA: Just go.
Cory slowly walks towards Auggie, who rips out a page from his book.
CORY: Hey bubba, what's with the aggression?
AUGGIE: Dad, you know women better than I do. How do you make them listen?
CORY: Well, that's just it, Auggie. You can't. Never. You're under their thumb the minute you cut that cake.
AUGGIE: Lucky for me, I'm not marrying Ava any time soon.
CORY: Why? What's wrong with Ava?
AUGGIE: She thinks I don't like her anymore because of the way I drank my milk during her story. And I just think, "Babe, the right amount of dairy is necessary for my life." And I told her that.
CORY: So what did she say?
AUGGIE: She tossed my milk on me! I tried to explain to her I cared about her story, but she wouldn't listen. I'm just getting rid of my stress creatively.
CORY: Look, Auggie, you can't make your woman listen to you. I remember when Topanga wouldn't listen to me about this girl named Lauren. See, she wanted to test my feelings for Lauren by having us go on a date. I liked Lauren but I loved your mom. But she said that because I had to see Lauren, she couldn't forgive me for kissing Lauren at the ski lodge. And we broke up.
AUGGIE: That story really doesn't help me at all, Dad.
CORY: To an extent, it doesn't.
AUGGIE: So why tell it to me?
CORY: Because referencing my past is the one of the few ways I understand the world.
At that point, RK, Wade, and the guys teleport into the living room.
LUCAS: Wait, so out of all the places we could have gone, we end up at Riley's.
RK: You know, you're really starting to piss me off.
CORY: Guys, what are you doing here? Class is on Monday, in my classroom, where I teach. Who are these kids? What's going on here? I need to figure out my life.
WADE: I'm Wade and this is my best friend RK. We're just going through a little trip. Nothing scientific to be suspicious about.
FARKLE: Okay, that just creates suspicion!
CORY: How did you guys appear out of nowhere like that?
RK: We go to the same dermatologist as David Blaine.
TOPANGA: Cory, what's wrong? What are you guys doing here?
ZAY: Is it me, or was coming here more trouble than it was worth?
CORY: These guys appeared out of nowhere and I wanna know how! I might teach history, but this is impossible!
FARKLE: Nothing's impossible, Mr. Matthews.
CORY: Hey Feeny...nothing's impossible! Yeah, that did happen!
RK: Wade, seriously, what the hell is going on here?
WADE: I can't make heads or tails of it myself.
TOPANGA: You guys have to excuse Cory. He stays stuck in 1998.
CORY: I'm going to go live with Shawnie.
TOPANGA: Yeah, I'm sure your love-ah would love to have you home even though he's traveling right now.
Beat.
CORY: I love you, woman.
TOPANGA: I'm starting to grow fond of you too.
Cory and Topanga start kissing when Wade uses the teleportation remote to send them all away. The remote inexplicably falls to the floor, which Auggie notices. They are then transported back to the bathroom stall.
RK: Great, we're stuck here again.
WADE: Seriously, what was with Cory and his wife?
FARKLE: I don't know. They usually tone down the PDA in front of students.
LUCAS: Guys, don't tell Riley, but I kinda have a crush on Mrs. Matthews.
ZAY: You're not alone, Lucas.
Beat.
LUCAS: Why did you say it like that?
SCENE 11
Topanga's
Interior Booth
New York, New York
Riley and Maya are in their chairs looking frustrated.
RILEY: I don't get it. Where is everybody?
MAYA: Do you want me to kill Huckleberry for you?
RILEY: I told you to stop calling him that.
MAYA: Well, it's either that or Ranger Rick. You can't have it your way.
RILEY: Hey, you think RK and Wade ditched us?
MAYA: Who?
RILEY: The little boys we met earlier?
MAYA: What little boys?
RILEY: RK and Wade! The ones with the teleporter?
MAYA: Oh yeah, those guys. You know, I'm absolutely terrible with remembering names.
RILEY: You didn't remember them at all.
MAYA: I DON'T HAVE THAT MUCH SPACE IN MY HEAD.
RILEY: We should probably just call Lucas and the others.
At that point, Sparky, Buster, and Jaylynn end up appearing in the bakery.
BUSTER: Aw, nuts! We ended up in a strip club!
SPARKY: This isn't a strip club, it's a diner.
JAYLYNN: It looks like a half-completed library to me.
MAYA: Hey, are you guys friends with RK and Wade?
BUSTER: Why? You know where they are? DO YOU HAVE THEM LOCKED UP IN YOUR CHAMBERS?!
RILEY: Hey, I don't appreciate being accused of things like that.
MAYA: We just want to know if you guys know where RK and Wade are.
SPARKY: No, we don't. We just teleported here.
JAYLYNN: How do you even know them?
RILEY: They teleported here. Wait, is teleportation a Seattle thing? Are you guys time travelers?
BUSTER: No, we just have very absurd lives. I'm Buster.
SPARKY: I'm Sparky.
JAYLYNN: And I'm Jaylynn.
MAYA: I'm Maya, and this...
RILEY: I want to introduce myself!
Beat.
MAYA: Fine.
RILEY: And I'm Riley! Welcome, strangers!
SPARKY: Look, we don't have time for shtick. Could you just let us know the last place you saw RK and Wade?
MAYA: Well, they were in Riley's room. Then they said they were coming here but they just abandoned us. Kinda like my dad.
BUSTER: Okay?
JAYLYNN: You have daddy problems too?!
SPARKY: You know what? Why don't I just call RK?
Cut to a shot of the bathroom stall, which the boys are stuck in.
LUCAS: Farkle, you don't have to breathe on me like that.
FARKLE: It's not me!
ZAY: Sorry, Lucas, I'm claustrophobic.
RK: Would you guys shut up? I mean, would everyone just shut the f*** up? You're going to get us all exposed.
FARKLE: I think two of us could have just went in the other stalls.
WADE: Look, as long as we keep quiet for the next five minutes, we'll be fine.
"...To Be Loved" by Papa Roach, RK's ringtone, starts playing.
LUCAS: Who still listens to Papa Roach?
RK: It's my phone, sorry.
WADE: Ugh, RK...
FARKLE: Way to go, RK.
ZAY: If someone thinks there's some backdoor shenanigans going on here, I'm blaming it on RK.
RK: It's a damn ringtone! What am I supposed to do with it, shoot at it and make sure it goes away?
ZAY: Probably.
RK picks up the phone.
RK: RKJ here, what it do?
SPARKY: RK, we used Wade's teleporter and we're in New York City with some girls named Riley and Maya. Where are you guys? They say they know you.
RK: We're being held hostage at the local high school. A bunch of members of ISIS are going to cut off our thumbs if their demands aren't met!
SPARKY: Wait, seriously?
RK: No, I just made that up and I honestly don't know why. We're stuck in the bathroom stall here at Abigail Adams High. We wanted to show Riley and Maya's friends how we were able to teleport.
SPARKY: Why are you stuck in a bathroom stall with other people?
RK: Because we're worried that if we leave, someone will see us and steal Wade's teleporter remote.
SPARKY: So it's like your dream with the ghosts eating Campbell's soup?
RK: No, that was different. We just need to get out of here soon.
SPARKY: Okay, we're on the way. Sparky hangs up. Alright, RK and Wade and all your friends are stuck in the bathroom stall at Abigail Adams High. We have to go there and make sure no one gets a hold of Wade's remote.
MAYA: Wait, we have to take the train to school on a weekend? Oh no, what has my life come to?
JAYLYNN: Hey Maya, I know this sounds weird, but you talk just like my friend Sarah Bennett.
MAYA: I do?
BUSTER: I don't hear it.
SPARKY: They sound nothing alike.
JAYLYNN: Are we seriously doing this right now? Wait, hang on a minute.
Jaylynn calls up Sarah and the phone starts ringing.
SARAH: Yeah, what's up, Jaylynn?
JAYLYNN: Sarah, you're never gonna believe this, but I found a girl that sounds just like you.
SARAH: What? Stop playing around.
JAYLYNN: No, it's true. You need to hear this.
Jaylynn hands Maya the phone.
MAYA: Hello?
SARAH: Wait, who are you?
MAYA: I'm Maya Hart, who are you?
SARAH: I'm Sarah Bennett, why do you have my voice?
MAYA: Why do you have mine? Give it back!
SARAH: I can't give back a voice, you weirdo.
MAYA: Well, you're going to hear from my lawyers!
Maya hangs up the phone and gives it back to Jaylynn.
MAYA: I don't really have legal representation.
JAYLYNN: I figured that.
SCENE 12
Abigail Adams High School
Interior Bathroom
New York, New York
The boys are still trapped in the stall.
ZAY: Okay, this is getting ridiculous. We're hiding in here for absolutely nothing now.
LUCAS: Yeah. Look, guys, I know you're afraid of getting caught, but you have nothing to worry about. These bathrooms are almost like ghost towns.
FARKLE: No! In the name of science, I say we make sure RK and Wade's property is safe. Isn't that what Mr. Matthews would teach us?
Cut to a flashback of Cory teaching his history class.
CORY: What are you going to do for someone else? Are you just going to let them fall through the cracks? Or will you stand up for them? Will you protect them and save them from danger, like a mother protecting her young? People change people, guys. Secret of life.
RK is then shown in the classroom raising his hand.
CORY: Yes, you there.
RK: Why are you teaching us this in a history class?
CORY: Because the school board doesn't pay me enough to teach from their stupid curriculum. Any more questions?
RK: Yeah, do you actually know what you're talking about when you're making these speeches? Or do you just like to hear the sound of your own voice?
CORY: Wait, who are you anyway? Do you even go to this school?
RK gets nervous and runs out of the classroom. Cut to the present day.
LUCAS: Why was RK in the...
FARKLE: I don't know. I don't understand anything about these people.
Cut to Sparky, Buster, Jaylynn, Riley, and Maya arriving at the bathroom door.
RILEY: Smackle, why are all the guys stuck in the bathroom?
SMACKLE: To protect the integrity of Wade's scientific landmark.
JAYLYNN: Oh, you're that person, aren't you?
MAYA: Look, they're fine. We can just go in there, get them out, and just...I don't know, do life stuff with them.
SMACKLE: Who are these guys?
SPARKY: We're friends of RK and Wade's. We'll go in there and make sure no one sees the teleporter as we leave.
BUSTER: Yeah. And then we'll find out the real reason behind RK and Wade's magic powers.
SPARKY: Buster, there are no magic powers. RK and Wade teleported here, remember?
SMACKLE: I see you're of below average intelligence. Here's a pack of napkins. Play with it.
Smackle passes Buster a pack of napkins.
BUSTER: Why does everyone treat me like this when I'm on vacation?
Riley hears something from her pocket.
MAYA: Riles, what's going on?
RILEY: Oh, I must have pocket dialed Uncle Josh.
JOSHUA: Hey, you've reached Joshua Matthews, the accidental baby. Remember to leave a message and all lives matter!
A beeping sound is heard.
RILEY: What a bizarre outgoing message.
Sparky and Buster walk into the bathroom and approach the stall.
SPARKY: RK, Wade, other people, it's us. We're here to get you out.
LUCAS: Why are you guys acting like we're locked in here against our will? We could have left twenty minutes ago!
WADE: I'm not having just anybody look at this remote.
FARKLE: I wonder if there's a future for me outside of science.
ZAY: You could always be a male model or something.
FARKLE: No, I'm too insecure about my body. That's why I use a bathing suit to shower.
The guys leave the bathroom stall.
BUSTER: Well, I'm glad that's over.
WADE: Yeah, me too. Even though I don't appreciate you guys coming into my home and using my personal machine, I guess all's well if it ends well. Let me just wash my hands first.
Wade goes to the sink while Sparky and Buster stare down Farkle, Lucas, and Zay.
ZAY: Lucas, why are they eyeballing us like that?
LUCAS: I don't know. They're trying to kill us?
Beat.
LUCAS: Why can't I say something off-kilter for once?
SPARKY: I don't know. I can't put my finger on it, but you guys look really familiar.
BUSTER: Yeah, it's like we've seen you before.
FARKLE: That's so weird. I feel the same way about you guys!
SPARKY: Interesting.
RK: I'm in the middle here so I really don't give a shit how this goes.
Cut to the girls outside.
JAYLYNN: Wait, so you two spent almost a year waiting for some guy to make a decision on who to date?
RILEY: Yeah, it was sweet. It was a test of our friendship.
JAYLYNN: Riley, that's hustling backwards. Who thinks like that?
SMACKLE: When you put a dominant male in a situation exclusively involving females, the result is inevitable.
MAYA: Hey, can you pocket dial Uncle Boing again?
RILEY: Maya, there's a kid here. Cool it.
MAYA: Please, she looks like she's seen it all. She probably wants to know why I call Josh Uncle Boing.
JAYLYNN: I actually don't want to know. At all.
SCENE 13
Topanga's
Interior Booth
New York, New York
The kids are all having muffins and coffee together.
SPARKY: And then RK actually shaved his own head.
ZAY: Wait, I thought the rules were that Manny had to do it.
LUCAS: No, dude, remember? They said that Manny ripped up the contract.
ZAY: Oh yeah. So RK, how long did it take for your hair to grow back?
RK: Eh, about a week or so.
FARKLE: That's biologically impossible. Your hair could never grow back that fast.
RK: Shut up and don't question it. It happened.
RILEY: You know, guys, this has been such a great day.
MAYA: Yeah, I like how none of your guys watch your mouths.
WADE: Well, guys, in some weird way, it was fun for us too. I got to give my teleporter a great test run.
BUSTER: It wasn't fun for me. Smackle gave me a pack of napkins to play with for being stupid.
FARKLE: Smackle?!
SMACKLE: My former arch-nemesis, part of having superior intellect is looking down on those with inferior intellect.
FARKLE: Yeah, that's true. That's probably why I like to refer to Lucas and Zay as Beavis and Butthead.
LUCAS: You've never called us that.
FARKLE: I mean, ladies.
RILEY: No.
MAYA: Nope.
FARKLE: Yeah, no.
WADE: Well, we would love to hang out some more, but this is the end of our adventure.
RK: And then we never come back to New York, right?
WADE: Eh, let's not make any promises here.
JAYLYNN: It was cool meeting you guys.
MAYA: Hey, wait, Jaylynn.
JAYLYNN: Yeah?
MAYA: I feel like we made a real connection today.
JAYLYNN: We didn't really talk like that.
MAYA: Well, I feel like we have something. We come from broken homes, we're artistic, we both hate people.
JAYLYNN: It's true. People do annoy the crap out of me.
MAYA: I want you to have this.
Maya gives Jaylynn a pamphlet.
JAYLYNN: 10 Ways to Eat a Burrito? Is this...is this real?
MAYA: Yeah, it is. I read it six times and it changed my life. I want you to have it.
Jaylynn's eyes fill up with tears.
JAYLYNN: I think we really did make a connection today.
RK: Okay, everyone get one last good look at this place because we're never coming here again.
The gang looks at RK with concern.
RK: I'm just joking, guys. Don't sweat it. *to Wade* I'm dead serious.
WADE: Okay, let's get this show on the r...
Wade gets worried while looking for his remote.
WADE: Oh no. No, no, dammit, this is not happening.
BUSTER: Wade, what's going on?
WADE: I can't find my teleportation remote!
RK: Wade, we have to get home by tonight! I can't miss America's Funniest Home Videos. Alfonso Ribeiro is a national treasure and I wanna preserve him!
WADE: I think I left the remote at school.
BUSTER: At iCarly? How?
SMACKLE: Do you want a second pack of napkins?
RK: Wait, you're telling me that now any average punk can teleport every which way? What part of the game is that?
WADE: You know what? This is okay. It's just fine. All we have to do is go back to Abigail Adams and get the remote from the bathroom. Or maybe the lost and found no one bothers to look in after a week or two.
RK: Right, a reconnaissance mission! Alright, we're going to need to trim the fat. Riley, Lucas, Farkle, Smackle, you gotta sit this one out. That evens out things between us groups.
WADE: No, it doesn't! It's still five to two!
RK: Well, in that case, Sparky, Buster, and Jaylynn can stay back here. That just leaves us two, Maya, and Zay.
LUCAS: How come they get to go and we can't?
RK: Because they piss me off the least. Plus, with them here, it creates the dream team.
ZAY: This is the first time in my life that I've ever felt special. Ha, in your faces!
JAYLYNN: You want to do something about it?
ZAY: Oh, no way, little girl. You look like you have the hands. I'm not falling down that rabbit hole a fourth time.
SCENE 14
Abigail Adams High School
Interior Hallway
New York, New York
RK, Wade, Maya, and Zay walk into the school and look around for anybody passing by.
WADE: Okay, this is a very simple concept. RK and I will grab the remote while you two play lookouts.
MAYA: I officially hate you guys for making me come to school twice on a Saturday.
RK: Hey, you think we like using public transportation for everything? Thank God we have our own cars.
ZAY: Wait, you guys are little kids and you already know how to drive? That's it, when I graduate high school, I'm moving to Seattle.
WADE: Alright, let's move.
RK and Wade run towards the bathroom while Maya and Zay walk slowly.
MAYA: I feel bad for Riley. She's so alone.
ZAY: Can't she take care of herself? Besides, it's not like she needs to be around you 24/7.
Cut to the others at Topanga's.
RILEY: This is the longest I've ever been away from Maya.
SPARKY: Riley, it's been less than twenty minutes.
Cut back to Maya and Zay standing guard at the bathroom.
ZAY: So are we still going to the movies or what?
MAYA: Oh, you still wanted to go? I didn't think you cared about that.
ZAY: I thought you were still into it!
MAYA: I am, but...can't we just watch a movie on TNT and be done with it?
Beat.
ZAY: You know what? That saves money. We're going to do your thing.
RK and Wade run out of the bathroom.
WADE: It's gone! We checked all over!
ZAY: Did you even...
RK: Yes, we even dunk our hands in the toilet. Not the place where everyone goes, but up top with the lid and whatnot.
MAYA: Ewwww.
RK: Grow up, will you? We did what we had to.
WADE: RK, I can't accept this. This is one of the best things I ever made and now it's gone.
RK: It's not gone yet. We're down but not out. We just have to retrace our steps. Wait a minute! Zay, didn't we all teleport to the Matthews place?
ZAY: Right, we did. That's where you left it, Wade!
WADE: Are you sure? It seems kinda farfetched. I'm usually a lot more careful with things like that.
RK: Well, it's our last hope. Come on! We've gotta get that remote before those weird people try to mess with it!
SCENE 14
The Matthews Household
Interior Riley's Bedroom
New York, New York
Auggie is checking out the remote as he sits by the bay window. RK, Wade, Maya, and Zay climb through the fire escape into the room.
RK: I got it! Guys, the baby has it!
MAYA: Wait, why are we still following them? They don't need us.
ZAY: Maya, we're the dream team. Stop being so negative.
AUGGIE: I'm not the baby. I'm already this many.
RK: That's all well and good, but you should know what time it is. It's time to get your stuff pushed in.
WADE: Alright, kid, hand it over.
AUGGIE: I love this toy, I'm never giving it away. Today, I used it and saw a dancing alarm clock in a bathrobe!
RK: He wasn't drunk, was he?
AUGGIE: How would I know?
WADE: Look, buddy, that remote is for professional teleportation purposes anyway. You can't use a machine like that, it requires highly skilled people to manage.
AUGGIE: Okay.
Auggie tosses Wade the remote and walks towards the door.
MAYA: Wait, that's it? You're not going to give them the runaround?
AUGGIE: I could, but they seemed so desperate. Besides, I have to call Ava.
Auggie leaves the room.
WADE: RK, are you ready to go home?
RK: No shit, I'm ready. Hey, you guys ever been out of Manhattan?
ZAY: Lucas and I went to the Bronx a few times. I can't go back there.
WADE: Why not?
ZAY: I told a Yankees fan that the Rangers were the better team. Next thing I know, I was walking into McDonald's with no pants on.
SCENE 15
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
The guys are watching TV on the couch.
JAYLYNN: Well, that was a weird trip to New York.
SPARKY: You're telling me. Those kids were really odd. You notice how Riley was talking about life every few minutes? What was up with that? People don't talk like that.
JAYLYNN: I'm glad you told her to stop.
BUSTER: I thought Riley was cute.
RK: That's because she was your age. But I have to admit, Wade, that was strangely fun.
WADE: It was. For the first time that I can remember, something I made didn't backfire or have unintended consequences. Maybe Riley and Maya and the rest will come here one day.
SPARKY: I don't know, man. I think the door is closing on them doing stuff like that.
WADE: Yeah, you might be right.
An awkward silence appears for a few seconds. RK looks up at the camera.
RK: What? The show's over, go away. Goodbye, America! You have until the fall to get your shit together!
Cut to black.
("Exhibit C" by Jay Electronica plays in the end credits)
The Michael Jacobs Productions and It's a Laugh Productions logos are then shown on the screen, with the trademark guitar music playing in the background.
*voiceover* RK: Wait, how much of the budget did we blow for that?
©2017 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS
Girl Meets World characters appear courtesy of Michael Jacobs and Disney Channel.
NEW EPISODES BEGIN ON SEPTEMBER 24