Reality Bites III

by frostyfreezyfreeze54

When Jaylynn attacks a guy playing Lynne's favorite television character at the mall, she tries to make Lynne see that there's a difference between what you see on the screen and what you see in real life. Meanwhile, with the help of the boys, RK seeks revenge on everyone that has ever wronged him.

1. Reality Bites III Script

Thank You, Heavenly

Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day

SEASON 5

EPISODE 28

Airdate: May 21, 2017

"Reality Bites III" (cover of the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air episode "Reality Bites")

Special Guest Stars: Kira Kosarin as Lynne

Original teleplay written by David Zuckerman

#TYH528

SCENE 1

Ike's Ice Cream Emporium

Exterior Entrance

Seattle, Washington

One day, Jaylynn leaves Ike's and walks towards her car. She opens the car door, closes it, then turns on the radio.

RADIO DJ: It's partly cloudy here in Seattle, you're listening to 106.1 FM, the city's number one adult contemporary station! Alright, I got that out the way. Hey Tim, you hear about that black guy who got killed the other day in front of Dunkin' Donuts? Yeah? That's what I'm saying, these dumbass Negroes need to step in f***ing line and do what the cops tell them. I swear, our prisons are loaded with those monkeys and all they can complain about is getting killed out of self-defense? Why don't you start being part of the solution, stop killing your own and get back to me, you dumbass f***ing n****rs? Wait, did I turn my microphone off? And forget to play the next song? Oh, I am so f***ing fired.

JAYLYNN: I lose faith in humanity every day.

Jaylynn tries starting her car, but to no avail.

JAYLYNN: Are you kidding me? I'm trying to get home!

Jaylynn sighs, opens the car door and walks over to the hood of the car. She opens up the hood and checks the battery.

JAYLYNN: Great. Now I'm gonna have to jump this thing.

Jaylynn looks around and sees a woman in a nearby parking space banging her head to some music. She scratches her head, walks over to the car and knocks on the driver's window.

JAYLYNN: HEY! EXCUSE ME, I NEED HELP!

The visibly frightened woman rolls down her window.

WOMAN: What do you want?

JAYLYNN: I'm sorry. I'm just having some car trouble and I wanna know if you can jump me.

WOMAN: What?

JAYLYNN: You know, just jump start my car battery. It will only take a minute.

WOMAN: I don't know what you're talking about.

JAYLYNN: Do you not know how to jump a car? I don't have time for this shit, just answer yes or no.

WOMAN: No, now leave me alone, you pervert!

The woman takes out some pepper spray and tries to get Jaylynn in the eyes, but she ducks and it ends up hitting an unsuspecting man in the face.

GUY: AAAAAH! SATAN'S IN MY EYES!

The guy ends up falling on the floor and rolls around in pain while the woman rolls her window back up and drives away.

JAYLYNN: I can't believe an adult doesn't know how to jump a car. What the hell are these schools teaching these days?

Jaylynn sees Lynne's car pull up at the shop.

JAYLYNN: Oh, great. From bad to worse.

Jaylynn walks over to her car when Lynne parks hers, sees Jaylynn, sucks her teeth, opens the car door and walks over to her.

LYNNE: Are you stalking me? No, I'm serious, are you trying to drive me insane? This is stupid. Why do I always have to see you?

JAYLYNN: Listen, creature, I don't have time for your paranoia. I'm trying to get home but this damn battery won't start up.

LYNNE: Why don't you just ask someone to jump it? You know, like a human being with common sense would do.

JAYLYNN: I take it you don't really talk to the weirdos around here. Then again, it would be like looking in a mirror for you, wouldn't it?

LYNNE: I actually know how to jump cars.

JAYLYNN: You do?

LYNNE: Yeah. But you know, it sucks for you. Drive safe, bro.

JAYLYNN: No. You're not just going to casually mention that shit and leave me hanging. You're getting me home.

LYNNE: Okay. Anything to get rid of that ugly-ass car and your ugly-ass face. But I need you to do something for me.

JAYLYNN: What?

LYNNE: Anything I want.

JAYLYNN: Look, if you're thinking about some sideways down low shit, I'm not playing that with you.

LYNNE: Seriously, is your mind stuck in the gutter all the time?

JAYLYNN: You're evil. I have no idea what you want from me. But fine. When the time comes, I'll do you a favor.

LYNNE: Great. Okay, let's do this. I didn't come here to chitchat.

JAYLYNN: And you think I did?

While Jaylynn and Lynne get the car jumping started, a bunch of EMTs are strapping the pepper-sprayed man onto a stretcher and lifting him into an ambulance. However, as they lift him, one of them lets go by accident and the stretcher hits another EMT in the stomach, causing him to fall down backwards and become incapacitated.

SCENE 2

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

The next morning, Sparky, Buster, and Wade are walking towards the main office.

SPARKY: I wonder what Principal MacGregor called us in for.

BUSTER: Maybe he's going to give us movie passes!

WADE: Do...do you really think that's what he wants to see us about?

BUSTER: I don't know, I'm just staying positive. By the way, are you still working on that television machine?

WADE: You mean, my teleportation device? Yeah, it's almost done. I can't wait for you guys to see it.

SPARKY: Hopefully, for once, you can make something you're proud of.

The boys open the office door and see Principal MacGregor staring down RK.

SPARKY: Are you kidding me?

BUSTER: I guess we're never going to get movie passes for free.

WADE: RK, what did you do?

RK: It was self-defense, guys! Whatever he says is just propaganda!

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: I called you guys in here because RK has been involved in his third altercation with a student this month.

SPARKY: What about Jaylynn?

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: She said you guys could handle it.

SPARKY: Oh.

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: RK, you want to tell your friends why you're in here?

RK: Look, this dude just said Kevin Durant was a traitor because he left OKC for the Warriors.

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: And what did you do as a response?

RK: I smacked the fire out his ass.

SPARKY: RK, what's wrong with you? You can't attack people for having an opinion.

RK: Of course I can. If people don't get called out for being idiots, that just allows them to be idiots again. I taught that boy a valuable lesson today.

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Look, guys, I called you in here to see if you could straighten out RK. I see potential in him, but if he keeps getting into situations like these, there might not be a place for him at iCarly Elementary anymore.

WADE: You're going to kick RK out of school?!

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: If I have to. I would take care of this myself, but the year's over in a couple weeks and I, uh, kinda checked out after spring break so I'm just on cruise control if you know what I mean. Anyway, yeah...straighten him out.

Principal MacGregor rubs his hand through his hair and walks out of his office.

BUSTER: Damn, he really has checked out.

SCENE 3

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Lunchroom

Seattle, Washington

At lunch, the boys are figuring out how to straighten out RK.

RK: I just don't see what the big deal is. Lots of people defend their hometown teams. I was performing my civic duty as a sports fan.

WADE: Okay, first of all, the Thunder moved from Seattle years ago. They're not our team anymore. And second of all, Durant doesn't play for them anymore so why are you defending him?

RK: Hey, they might have moved, but they're still our team. My dad rooted for the Supersonics before I was born. His dad rooted for them. And I'll continue the tradition because that's what white trash does.

SPARKY: RK, you have to understand that you're in hot water now. If you don't get rid of your anger problem now, they're gonna throw you out of here.

RK: Okay, so maybe my temper is a little much. But the world is a f***ed up place. It's filled with people that only exist to annoy you, tear you down, and make you feel like garbage. Do I not deserve to fight back against a world that's hated me since I was born?

BUSTER: He does have a point.

SPARKY: No, he doesn't. You're a ten year old suburban kid with a nice home, good parents, a cool girlfriend, and a whole bunch of crazy adventures under your belt. How angry can you really be?

RK: Pffft, I bet if I was a billionaire, you would kick me in the nuts for complaining about world hunger.

WADE: You know, RK, if you really want to stay in school, they have anger management classes at the community center. Why don't you try taking one and maybe that can help control your temper?

RK: I don't wanna pay eighty G's a week to hear the same things tweece!

WADE: The classes are free.

RK: Then I just don't wanna do it.

SPARKY: Come on, RK, just take the class. We don't want to see you get kicked out of school.

BUSTER: Yeah. You might think there's no problem now, but before you know it, you'll be at your very first high school dance leaning on the wall with a black trenchcoat. And when kids ask you what's inside, you'll just say, "Don't worry about it."

RK sighs.

RK: Alright, guys. I'll take the class for you, but I'm not saying I'm gonna like it.

SPARKY: That's okay. We just want you to be happier.

RK: By the way, I was thinking about something. Are you guys gonna beat me if I don't finish the class?

SPARKY: Hell no.

WADE: Of course not.

BUSTER: I don't know, maybe.

The boys stare at Buster while he drinks his milk.

SCENE 4

The Hernandez Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

That night, Jaylynn is watching TV. On the screen is a depiction of an orange elephant in front of a white background.

VOICEOVER: We here at Pfizer have been healing the sick and getting you the medicines you need for generations. However, we realize that the hard work we have put into the company may not resonate with the younger generation. So just to let you know how hip we can be, try this one on for size.

("Cat Daddy" by The Rej3ctz plays in the background as the orange elephant performs the dance of the same name)

VOICEOVER: Okay, stop. Enough of that.

The elephant immediately stops dancing.

VOICEOVER: We're Pfizer. We don't need to rely on gimmicks. Why don't you kids educate yourselves for once?

The Pfizer logo is then shown on the screen.

VOICEOVER: Pfizer. 168 years and growing.

JAYLYNN: What the f*** was that?

At that point, Anja and Lynne walk into the house.

JAYLYNN: Oh no, is this a two-on-one assault? Because I know where my baseball bat is.

ANJA: No, it's not that, you crazy person. Lynne wanted to tell you something.

LYNNE: You need to take me to the mall on Saturday.

JAYLYNN: Like hell I do. Why would I waste a Saturday in a car with you?

LYNNE: Because you owe me after your little incident yesterday.

JAYLYNN: Okay, but why can't Anja drive you?

ANJA: I'm going to have homework.

JAYLYNN: Oh, that's like, your go-to at this point.

LYNNE: Anyway, Daniel Tiger's appearing at the mall and I want to make sure I can get his autograph. Finally, I get to meet a celebrity!

JAYLYNN: Wait, Daniel Tiger from Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood? Are you serious?

LYNNE: I love that show. Is that so wrong?

JAYLYNN: Yeah, it is. Don't you think you're a little too old to be into that PBS stuff?

ANJA: I don't see what the problem is. I mean, you watch reruns of Cyberchase and WordGirl every week.

JAYLYNN: That's different! Those shows are dope! Daniel Tiger is just trying to make money off Mister Rogers' legacy.

LYNNE: Look, Jaylynn, you can kick and scream all you want, but you owe me one and I don't waste time when it comes to collecting. So you're taking me on Saturday.

JAYLYNN: Ugh, fine, whatever. But I'm staying in the car. If anyone sees me there, I'll just say I'm there for a joke. Like, someone said they were taking me to Dairy Queen and they beat my ass in a prank gone wrong.

LYNNE: Um...okay?

JAYLYNN: Wait a minute. Why did you guys come here to tell me this?

LYNNE: Because I know you're gonna try to weasel out of this so I wrote up a contract. And Anja's here as a witness.

JAYLYNN: I don't need to sign any contract. You have a verbal agreement.

LYNNE: F*** your verbal agreement, sign the contract or I'm stabbing the back of your hand with this pen until you do.

JAYLYNN: Okay, geez. You're such an angry child.

Jaylynn signs the contract, then Lynne, then Anja.

ANJA: Okay, that's done. See ya, Jaylynn.

JAYLYNN: See ya.

Lynne is about to leave with Anja when she stops momentarily.

LYNNE: Wait.

JAYLYNN: What?

LYNNE: You still watch Cyberchase?

JAYLYNN: Yeah, what's it to you?

LYNNE: That show is played out, man.

JAYLYNN: Are you seriously trying to flame me over what PBS Kids shows I watch?

SCENE 5

Northgate Community Center

Interior Anger Management 101 Class

Seattle, Washington

A few nights later, RK walks into the class and sees a bunch of adults staring at him.

RK: Oh no, I have the wrong room. Well, see you guys later.

ROBERT: Actually, you're in the right place. I was supposed to have one kid here. So you're RK Jennings?

RK: HOW DO YOU KNOW MY NAME?!

ROBERT: It was on the sign-up sheet that I got.

RK: Oh yeah. Sorry for the outburst.

ROBERT: Please take a seat. Hello everyone, and welcome to Anger Management 101. My name is Mr. Levin, but you can call me Robert. Mr. Levin was my father.

The sound of crickets chirping can be heard as no one says or does anything.

ROBERT: Okay, I guess that's an old joke. Anyway, for the next couple of weeks, I'm going to help everyone in this class become more in control of their anger, and figure out ways to settle conflicts with diplomacy. At this time, I would like to go around the room and ask everyone why they decided to take this class. Everyone has a beautiful story and I would love to hear them.

PHIL: Well, my name is Phil and I'm here because my wife thinks I'm a piece of shit. I guess I'm just angry because of what my dad taught me.

ROBERT: Okay, what did your father teach you?

PHIL: Well, my dad, who was also named Phil which makes me Phil Jr. by default, was an alcoholic and all he did was scream at things. Not people, inanimate objects. I remember when I was ten years old at a family reunion and he screamed at the grill for five minutes because there wasn't any charcoal in it. And eventually, he worked his way up to animals. I just took his anger problems and started screaming at kids. I've been yelling at random children for at least thirty years.

Beat.

RK: Just to be clear here, how many of you guys are registered sex offenders?

ROBERT: RK, that's a very inappropriate thing to say.

RK: I'm sorry, but I'm already getting creepy vibes from this class. Forgive me if I'm trying to be safe.

ROBERT: You know, I would actually like to hear why you're here now, RK.

PHIL: Last week, I screamed at my neighbor's son for not saying hi to me. He was staring right at me, WHY DIDN'T HE SAY ANYTHING?!

RK: Phil, we're done with you. And the only reason I'm here is because I don't want to let my friends down. I can't change who I am. I'm just an angry person.

ROBERT: Everybody can have fundamental behavioral change, RK. It just takes patience, understanding, and discipline.

RK: Look, I know guys like you love to repeat things you read or hear others say, so I'll just make this easier. Anger is a normal emotion. We live in a world where stupid people do stupid things, keep stupid people from going to jail, elect stupid people to office, and give stupid kids millions of dollars for coming up with stupid catchphrases they heard their stupid friends say the other day. Why would a regular human being feel ashamed for getting angry at this stuff?

ROBERT: Well...

RK: I mean, why should any of us have to change for the world? They're not the ones who give us food or clothes. They just breathe our air like idiots and piss in our faces whenever we want something from them. So for everyone here in this class, you should embrace your anger. Use it as a weapon to fight back against everything that irritates you. And take pride in not being stupid enough to fall for every little thing someone tells you. Except you, Phil, you, uh...you really need some help.

Cut to Mr. Levin removing RK from the class.

RK: Come on, man, I need to do this for my friends! I just wanted people to think for themselves.

ROBERT: Look, RK, I appreciate your passion, but this class is for people who really want to learn something. Besides, if everyone thought for themselves, how would I be able to get any decent work?

Mr. Levin closes the door and RK sighs.

RK: Could I at least take the free Oreos home with me?!

SCENE 6

Pacific Place

Exterior Entrance

Seattle, Washington

The next day, Jaylynn pulls up at the mall with Lynne in the passenger's seat.

JAYLYNN: Alright, we're here. Get out.

LYNNE: You know, I was thinking and I actually want you to come with me.

JAYLYNN: What?! Why?!

LYNNE: Because you'll absolutely hate being there and it'll drive you insane. And I'll love it.

JAYLYNN: What in God's name makes you think that I'll do anything you tell me?

LYNNE: Because if you don't, I'll tell Anja that you're the one who ran over her mailbox.

JAYLYNN: I never ran over anybody's mailbox!

LYNNE: Okay, then what's that in the trunk back there? A dead squirrel?

JAYLYNN: Fine, you bitch. I'll come! But I'm putting on a disguise so nobody recognizes me.

Jaylynn puts on a pair of sunglasses and a hoodie.

JAYLYNN: If anyone asks, my name is Jennifer Annastasia Ramirez, fashionista. Or maybe something more modest. I'll think about it on the walk there.

LYNNE: You weird me out in ways you'll probably never understand.

SCENE 7

Pacific Place

Interior Gathering Area

Seattle, Washington

There is a stage set up for Daniel Tiger's performance and meet and greet as several kids, noticeably younger than Jaylynn and Lynne, search for their seats. Jaylynn and Lynne sit down near the back of the gathering area.

LYNNE: These seats suck. We can't even see anything!

JAYLYNN: What the hell are you talking about? We're in full view of the stage!

Cut to a point of view shot of Lynne, where she can see everything on stage, including the MC almost trip on his own sneaker.

LYNNE: Well, everyone knows the best seats are always in the front. Anyway, I can't wait to see Daniel and sing along with him! OMG, what if he calls me up on stage so I can ask him questions?! Okay, I need to breathe. I couldn't even if that happened. I would be at a loss for evening any of that.

JAYLYNN: I think this is the closest I've come in a long time to wanting to strangle you.

The MC walks back on stage and grabs the microphone.

MC: What's up, Pacific Place, how are you kids today? Let me hear you SCREAM!

All the kids, including Lynne, scream while Jaylynn covers her ears.

MC: Alright, that's what I love to hear. You guys have waited for him for weeks now to come to Seattle, and here he is. From the Land of Make Believe, where it's always a beautiful day in the neighborhood, please give it up for the one and only...DANIEL TIGER!

The kids start screaming again as a guy in a Daniel Tiger costume walks on stage.

DANIEL TIGER: Hey kids! I can't wait to meet all of my new Seattle friends! Let's start the day with a SONG!

The kids all say "Yaaaaaaay!" in unison as the theme song to Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood starts playing. Daniel Tiger starts singing the song along with the kids, but it abruptly cuts off when the sound of a microphone is heard.

DANIEL TIGER: Will somebody fix that shit? Come on now!

The kids stay silent as Jaylynn scratches her head. The theme song starts playing again and the sing-along continues, but it does not take long for it to cut off one more time.

DANIEL TIGER: Do you stupid motherf***ers want to get paid today, or do you want to keep acting like you don't have any goddamn clue what you're supposed to do?! I'm tired of this, man, GET THIS RIGHT!

Daniel Tiger walks behind the curtain while a lot of the kids murmur in confusion.

LYNNE: I don't get it. Why's Daniel acting like this?

JAYLYNN: Are you kidding me? Oh, that's right, I'm in la la land right now. Well, I think Daniel just has a bad cough and it's causing him to lose his mind. He just needs some Robitussin and he'll be right back, sport!

LYNNE: This isn't funny, Jaylynn. We want Daniel! WE WANT DANIEL! WE WANT DANIEL!

The kids join Lynne in the chanting while Jaylynn shakes her head in disbelief.

JAYLYNN: Well, time to end this nightmare.

Jaylynn gets up and walks towards the stage. Cut to the guy wearing the Daniel Tiger costume smoking a cigarette backstage. Jaylynn walks through the curtain.

JAYLYNN: Um, hey, hi. Daniel? Tiger man? My name's Jaylynn and I'm just wondering when you're coming back out.

DANIEL TIGER: None of your frigging business. And aren't you a little old for this crap?

JAYLYNN: Probably, but I'm just here because my best friend's sister loves the show. And you have all those sweet little kids waiting. Meanwhile, you're in here with your cigars acting like an idiot.

DANIEL TIGER: How much did that girl pay for the ticket?

JAYLYNN: It was a free show.

DANIEL TIGER: Then she got her money's worth.

JAYLYNN: Look, I don't think it's cool that you're swearing out of your mind in front of children. And my best friend's sister had her heart set on coming out here today, so can you just act like a professional for one hour and go?

DANIEL TIGER: You want me to come back there, act like a buffoon in a stupid costume, and get my money, right?

JAYLYNN: Yeah, man, what part of that don't you understand?

DANIEL TIGER: You probably think you're better than me, don't you?

JAYLYNN: What?

DANIEL TIGER: Let me tell you something, sweetheart. I might not have my youth anymore and think I know everything like you do, but I make an honest day's pay. And who the hell are you to look down on me?

JAYLYNN: Okay, that had absolutely nothing to do with what I said. At all. Look, just put back on the stupid tiger head, go back out there, and do what you have to do, okay?

Jaylynn pats the man on the back and starts walking away.

DANIEL TIGER: Or else what?

JAYLYNN: Or else nothing, man. I don't care either way, just stop acting like a child.

DANIEL TIGER: Oh. I'm so scared of a little ten year old baby girl.

The man pushes Jaylynn's shoulder.

JAYLYNN: I would advise you not to put your hands on me again.

DANIEL TIGER: You talk way better than you fight. Come on, take a shot.

The man pushes Jaylynn down to the floor.

JAYLYNN: Oh, you are so f***ing dead.

Jaylynn lunges at the man and they start fighting each other.

MC: Hey, what the hell are you guys doing?

Everyone backstage tries to separate the two but they keep getting knocked down. Cut to Lynne.

LYNNE: Ugh, where's Jaylynn? If she just ditched me, I swear...

At that point, the curtain comes off and the kids can see Jaylynn hitting the man with several punches.

LYNNE: JAYLYNN, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!

JAYLYNN: I was, uh...I was play fighting with him.

DANIEL TIGER: Can someone please get me to Applebee's?

LYNNE: I can't believe you would hurt Daniel like this, Jaylynn. This is a new low even for you.

Lynne spits in Jaylynn's eye and storms off.

JAYLYNN: AH! GOOD LORD, SOMEONE GET THE DOCTOR!

"Let It Roll" plays in the background as several kids rush to the stage and begin attacking Jaylynn in a frenzy.

SCENE 8

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

That same day, the boys are watching TV together.

FEMALE REPORTER: And the talk here at the mall is still at an all-time high after preteen social activist Jennifer Annastasia Ramirez attacked a Daniel Tiger impersonator backstage during a meet and greet. Footage of the incident sees the girl being the aggressor as she assaults the man on stage after the curtain gets ripped off. According to Ramirez, it was due to the impersonator's vulgar and inflammatory statements during the performance.

BUSTER: Oh my God. One of the coolest moments of the year and we missed the whole thing!

SPARKY: Buster, that wasn't cool. Jaylynn could have been seriously hurt.

RK: Eh, Jaylynn's a tough girl. She'll be fine.

WADE: By the way, RK, how was your first anger management class?

RK: My first class? You want to discuss that here? Live and on the spot?

SPARKY: Yeah, we never found out how it went. Did you find it okay?

RK: Oh. Well, uh, it turns out that I was dismissed from the class.

SPARKY: What? Why?

RK: Well, they told me I was very outspoken. They thought I was too real. See, I wasn't trying to fake the funk like all those other bozos. I was on that real shit and they couldn't handle it. See, when it gets too real, they try to censor you. I'm like the white Khalid Abdul Muhammad.

SPARKY: So they kicked you out for being disrespectful?

RK: That's a possible theory.

SPARKY: RK...

RK: Sparky, you should have been there. It was a nightmare. Just a bunch of sad people getting told by some Svengali that they had to change. Somebody had to let them know to express their opinions.

WADE: Did you seriously just compare yourself to Khalid Abdul Muhammad?

SPARKY: RK, if you don't get help for your anger, then once again, you're going to get kicked out of school!

RK: You don't have to recap something we already know. And besides, I feel like you guys just don't understand why I am the way I am. You know what? Why don't you guys spend the day on Monday following me around and you'll see what I see about the world. And if you still don't think I have a reason to be angry, I'll give the classes another shot.

SPARKY: Okay, I guess we can skip school for that.

WADE: But we have a science test on Monday!

SPARKY: Okay, then let's just move it to Tuesday.

BUSTER: But we have lunch on Tuesday!

At that point, Jaylynn walks in.

SPARKY: Jaylynn, do you have anything you wanna say about what happened today?

JAYLYNN: No. And you can't make me talk about it.

SPARKY: Okay.

Beat.

BUSTER: So does anyone know if...

JAYLYNN: You guys have to understand, I did it for a reason!

BUSTER: Well, I guess I'll ask my question later.

JAYLYNN: That idiot was being a complete slimeball, swearing around kids, smoking cigarettes, treating everyone like garbage. He put his hands on me first!

SPARKY: He did? Where can we find this guy?!

JAYLYNN: Rehab. Apparently, he was only doing this for his kids to stay off drugs. For some reason, he always thought Mr. Rogers was an undercover Nazi.

RK: So what does Lynne think about you saving the day?

JAYLYNN: She thinks I'm a selfish bitch and I need to learn a thing or two about conducting myself in public.

WADE: But you were only trying to do what you thought was right.

JAYLYNN: Yeah, but she was blinded by seeing her hero. In that moment, all she saw was some weirdo ruining everything for her.

BUSTER: I don't know why people care so much about that show anyway. There's no substance. Not at all like Cowboy Kyle.

SPARKY: Word. So what are you going to do now?

JAYLYNN: Well, I'm going to go over to Lynne's place and let her know what really happened. Then she'll understand and we can go back to hating each other the right way.

Jaylynn walks out of the house at that point.

SPARKY: Hey Buster, what were you going to ask?

BUSTER: I don't know, I forgot. I think it was something about cream soda?

SCENE 9

The Saleh Apartment

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

Anja is consoling Lynne as she cries on the couch.

LYNNE: This is the worst day of my life.

ANJA: Don't worry, Lynne. I'm pretty sure Jaylynn had a good reason to do what she did.

LYNNE: Are you kidding me? That girl has no conscience. Knowing her, she probably did this just to make me feel like a piece of shit.

Jaylynn walks in at that point.

JAYLYNN: Hey Lynne, buddy. Uh...you know, crazy afternoon we've had, eh?

LYNNE: Get out of my apartment! I wanna see you even less than before!

JAYLYNN: Look, Lynne, I know you got freaked out by what you saw today but you have to understand that the guy was a jerk. He was treating the audience like they didn't matter.

LYNNE: It's a tiger, not a guy. What part of that don't you understand?

JAYLYNN: Right, I'm still in la la land. Okay, how do I say this? I wasn't fighting the real Daniel Tiger. I was fighting the guy inside Daniel Tiger. See, these TV networks pay out of shape white guys to dress up as characters and have them make public appearances. So, at the end of the day, I never actually beat up Daniel Tiger. Just the guy playing him.

LYNNE: Right. You were assaulting the guy playing Daniel Tiger. Do you really expect me to believe that crap?

Beat.

JAYLYNN: Hey, Anja, could I talk to you outside about something?

SCENE 10

The Saleh Apartment

Exterior Entrance

Seattle, Washington

Jaylynn and Anja are standing by the front door of Lynne's apartment.

JAYLYNN: Anja, does your sister have some kind of mental disorder?

ANJA: Jaylynn, this isn't funny.

JAYLYNN: I'm not joking, man, I'm asking seriously. Is something inherently wrong with Lynne's brain? Because none of this makes any sense to me.

ANJA: Jaylynn, Lynne's been a fan of Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood since it started. She looks up to him like a superhero.

JAYLYNN: Yeah, I get that, but do you not see the bigger problem here? Your eight-year-old sister knows how to jump a car, but she thinks a cartoon character is real. What kind of f*** shit is going on here?

ANJA: She's eight, Jaylynn. Eight. There's nothing wrong with an eight-year-old believing in something like that. It's just like believing in the tooth fairy or Santa Claus.

JAYLYNN: Oh, please, kids stop believing in the tooth fairy by the age of five, and my mama sat me down a long time ago and told me Santa's just a womanizing fraud.

ANJA: She really told you that?

JAYLYNN: Yes, my mama was too outspoken for this world.

ANJA: I think you're being way too hard on the girl. Haven't you ever been a huge fan of some kiddie show?

JAYLYNN: Well, I've always been crazy about Maggie and the Ferocious Beast.

ANJA: Uh huh. And what did you do when you found out they weren't real?

JAYLYNN: What are you talking about? They are real.

ANJA: No, they're not.

JAYLYNN: Yeah, they are. They were too real for Nick Jr., man.

ANJA: Jaylynn, you're talking about a cartoon.

JAYLYNN: And it was an amazing cartoon. Maggie and the Beast and the Hamilton? Always getting into some shit in Nowhere Land? Nedley? Rudy? You're telling me they never went through it? Are you seriously sleeping on the pumpkin episode? That was a top five episode, Anja!

ANJA: You're making references to things I don't understand. And you're just doing the same thing Lynne's doing. You think Maggie and the Ferocious Beast is real, so why are you getting at her for thinking the same thing?

JAYLYNN: Because it's cute when I think it. She should know better than that. Dumb bitch probably still thinks Santa's real too.

ANJA: She does.

JAYLYNN: Okay, this is getting way out of hand. It's not healthy for that girl to think that everything fake is real. When she gets her wake-up call, it's going to hit her so hard, she won't even know it happened. I just hope you're there to wipe up the tears, Anj.

Jaylynn walks away from Anja at that point.

ANJA: Well, that didn't solve anything.

SCENE 11

The Jennings Household

Exterior Frontyard

Seattle, Washington

RK starts up his car with Wade in the passenger's seat, and Sparky and Buster in the back.

RK: Alright, gents, are you ready to experience life as me for a day?

WADE: More ready for this than a lot of other things in life.

SPARKY: I really hope you end up proving a point with this, RK.

RK: Trust me, there's no smoke and mirrors here. You're about to get a look into the true horrors of the world I inhabit.

RK drives off at that point.

SCENE 12

Chase Bank

Exterior Entrance

Seattle, Washington

RK walks into Chase with the guys when he sees a local bum on the sidewalk.

BUM: Spare some change, kid?

RK: I'm here to make a withdrawal. If you're lucky, I won't curse you out for trying to hassle me.

BUM: Come on, man, I'm dying.

RK: Dying from what?

BUM: Um...from a broken heart?

RK: You know, some of you guys piss me off. You sit there every day begging for handouts instead of going out there and getting some. Take some pride in yourself, man.

SCENE 13

Zippy Mart

Interior Checkout Line

Seattle, Washington

The boys are in line helping RK with his groceries while he is getting rung up.

BUSTER: I can't believe this place always has sales on dog food, but you have to see hell freeze over for there to be a cat food special. Ugh, now I know why Obama fought so hard.

CASHIER: Sir, this line is express. You can't have more than ten items.

RK: It's just one extra thing. Can't you ring it up and forget this happened?

CASHIER: Sorry, store policy.

RK: Store policy, my ass. This is ridiculous! What kind of store allows a customer to walk away like this on a technicality?

BUSTER: Hey, wait a minute, guys. Before anybody does anything, could you ring up my magazine? *in his brain, laughing* This is great. What the cashier doesn't know is that this magazine is RK's eleventh item...and I'm buying! Hehehe, what a scam! Hehehe, HEHEHE! A HAHAHA! Oh, that was funny.

Beat.

CASHIER: Sir, are you going to pay for that magazine?

BUSTER: What magazine?

WADE: The one in your hand, man!

BUSTER: Oh, this? No, of course not.

Buster puts the magazine back on the rack and walks away from the line.

BUSTER: Wait a minute. I was supposed to do something with that magazine. I was just laughing about it! Oh, man, I forgot the whole f***ing operation!

SCENE 14

One Delicious Meal

Interior Dining Area

Seattle, Washington

Everyone looks stuffed as the check comes in.

RK: Thank you, garçon.

RK's eyes widen as he takes a look at the bill.

RK: Excuse me, garçon, why is this so much?

WAITER: Well, all four of you paid for the food and the free water.

RK: You can't pay for something free!

WAITER: Actually, you can. See, we charge 25 cents for every sip of water. We have electronic monitors planted in every pitcher.

RK: You fiends! I didn't even eat the clam chowder you brought here when I specifically ordered beef stew! At least take that off the bill.

WAITER: Sorry. Restaurant policy.

The waiter walks away and now RK is seething with rage.

WADE: You okay, man?

RK: Every single day, I want to destroy the world for what it does to me.

SCENE 15

One Delicious Meal

Exterior Entrance

Seattle, Washington

The boys leave the restaurant and see a bunch of teenagers keying RK's car.

SPARKY: RK, isn't that your car?!

RK: WHAT?!

The boys run to the car but the teenagers flee and RK tries to chase after them but can't get far enough.

RK: They're gonna pay. They're all gonna pay for this!

Cut to Sparky, Buster, and Wade by the car.

SPARKY: You know, I used to think RK was mad about absolutely nothing. But it turns out he has just as much a right to lash out as anybody.

WADE: As quiet as it's kept, RK does have his moments of validation.

BUSTER: I WAS SUPPOSED TO BUY THE MAGAZINE! I CRACKED THE CODE!

SCENE 16

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

The boys are all sitting on the couch.

SPARKY: RK, I think I owe you an apology. I mean, you're more angry than most people, but that stuff did make me kinda mad.

BUSTER: Why was that bum trying to touch you before we got back in the car?

RK: I don't know, these people are disgusting. I'm glad you see it my way, Sparky. Which is why it's time for me to address my anger problem head-on.

SPARKY: Okay, how?

RK gets up and presses a button on his remote that causes a projector to descend from the ceiling. On the projector reads the words "The RK Jennings Revenge Tour."

RK: With the first ever RK Jennings Revenge Tour. We're going to go around town and get back at all the people and things that have wronged me over the years. Nobody's safe. Once I finally put this plan in action, that should release all of the rage inside me.

WADE: I've been coming to your house every day for a long time now. Since when have you had a projection screen?

RK: I don't have to tell you how I use my free time.

SPARKY: RK, do you really think we can get revenge on everybody that's crossed you?

BUSTER: Yeah, how are we gonna find these people?

RK: Don't worry, I have a list I've been adding to for years of everyone that's tried to take me out. Waiters, meter maids, crossing guards, you name it.

RK hands Sparky the list.

SPARKY: Why is Anja's name on this?

RK: I don't know. I think she owes me something from a while back.

WADE: For the last time, we're not going after Mike Scully!

RK: You're just not being optimistic, man.

BUSTER: So all we need to do is get revenge on everybody we can, and you won't be angry anymore?

RK: I think so. I should have known that it's not about getting mad, it's about getting even.

WADE: Just to make sure, I'm not doing anything illegal.

RK: Illegal? I don't know, you might have to change your plans then. Raise your hand if you have a criminal record.

Buster slowly raises his hand.

RK: Stealing someone's pencil off the desk doesn't count.

Buster slowly puts his hand down.

RK: Okay, so if anything happens, we'll all get light sentences.

SCENE 17

The Vidal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

Halley and Jaylynn are watching TV.

HALLEY: Hey, did you hear about that radio guy and his racist rant? He's only getting paid leave. Can you believe that?

JAYLYNN: There are a lot of things that I don't believe. What I don't get is people like Lynne who don't understand how reality works.

HALLEY: Is this the part where we go into an entirely different conversation?

JAYLYNN: It's just that Lynne is an evil genius. She's been making my life miserable for years, and now I'm supposed to believe she's stupid enough to think Daniel Tiger's real?

HALLEY: I mean, she is in the third grade, Jaylynn. I don't see what the problem is here.

JAYLYNN: It's stupid. How is she supposed to go through life believing in things like Santa and the Easter Bunny and the Bible?

HALLEY: Look, at the end of the day, Lynne may be pretty smart, but she's still a kid. Just like we're still kids. We don't see the world like everyone else. One day, she'll find out they're not real and get on with her life.

JAYLYNN: Well, that one day starts now. I'm not going to let her hold this over my head for the rest of my life. I'm going to tell her the truth about this stuff.

HALLEY: Do you really have to burst her bubble like this?

JAYLYNN: Of course I do. No one sugarcoated anything for me. She'll thank me when she's older.

HALLEY: And what if she doesn't?

JAYLYNN: God, I wouldn't have even come here if I knew you would be so negative.

SCENE 18

("Duck Down" by Boogie Down Productions plays in the background)

The next day, the boys meet up at RK's house to kick off the RK Jennings Revenge Tour. They first stop at Chase where they approach the bum and start beating him down. They see a meter maid and dump an entire sack of quarters on him, then toss him into the meter. At the Zippy Mart, they run to the express line and toss 15 items at the cashier, then run away when the other workers try to apprehend them. At One Delicious Meal, RK gets out of the car, sees the same waiter from before, and chases after him into the restaurant. When they return seconds later, RK is assaulting the man with a salami stick while the boys are still in the car. They see the teenagers approaching the car, roll the windows down, and toss Master Locks at them. They then get out of the car and begin assaulting them while the waiter tries to run to his car and jump through the window, but RK pulls him back and begins squirting him with a water gun full of clam chowder. The boys then drive past 7-Eleven and see the same bum from before begging for spare change from a lady. The song is stopped by a record skip as RK shakes his head, parks the car, and runs to the bum with rage in his eyes.

RK: I'M NOT FINISHED WITH YOU!

The bum runs away as RK chases after him, with the boys deciding to pursue him as well.

SCENE 19

The Saleh Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

That night, Jaylynn walks in and sees Anja and Lynne watching TV.

JAYLYNN: Make way, Jaylynn's in the house!

LYNNE: Piss off. Forever.

JAYLYNN: So what are you guys watching, eh? The Walking Dead? Antiques Roadshow? Some cool foreign film?

LYNNE: This is a Pfizer commercial.

ANJA: It's not that bad. I like that song in the background.

JAYLYNN: Yeah. Hey Anja, I wanna talk to Lynne in private about something.

ANJA: Oh, don't mind me. I'll just be upstairs. Listen to what she has to say, Lynne.

LYNNE: No promises.

Anja shrugs and makes her way upstairs while Jaylynn sits down next to Lynne.

JAYLYNN: Look, Lynne...

LYNNE: Go to hell.

JAYLYNN: Okay, that's expected. Look, Lynne, part of being the bigger person is knowing you did something stupid. So in that case, I'm sorry for doing what I did at the mall. But you have to understand something really important.

LYNNE: What?

JAYLYNN: I'm concerned about your mental state.

LYNNE: Why?

JAYLYNN: Because you're not living in the real world, you're just living a lie. See, Lynne, part of living in the real world is knowing that parents tell their kids a bunch of lies just so they'll leave them alone. What you need to know is...

Jaylynn's phone rings at that point.

JAYLYNN: One second. Hello?

RK: Jaylynn, I'm in front of Anja's place. You need to come out here!

JAYLYNN: I'm in the middle of a moment!

RK: There's this huge jar of chocolate pudding sitting in the middle of the street. I don't know why, but there's like, hundreds of people checking this shit out!

JAYLYNN: Alright, hang on.

Jaylynn hangs up.

JAYLYNN: Lynne, I'll be back. My friend wants me to see something stupid.

Jaylynn leaves the house and is immediately surrounded by fog.

JAYLYNN: What the hell? It wasn't foggy at all when I first came out here.

("O, Death" by Jen Titus plays in the background)

Jaylynn sees an old man on the sidewalk in a black cloak holding up a sign that says, "You Know You Done F'd Up, Right?"

JAYLYNN: Okay, what kind of sorcery is this?

Another man in a black cloak walks up to Jaylynn's side and pinches her nerve, causing her to lose consciousness. With the help of a third man, all the cloaked individuals carry Jaylynn away from the house and toss her into a deep hole in the middle of the street. The men then jump down and carry Jaylynn down several flights of stairs, eventually leading her into an area surrounded by snow and toys. They toss Jaylynn onto a couch, where she is surrounded by reindeer and elves, and Santa in front of her.

JAYLYNN: Wait, where am I?

SANTA CLAUS: Ho ho ho, Jaylynn.

JAYLYNN: Santa?! You're real?!

SANTA CLAUS: Indeed, I am. I had to find a way to get you into my workshop so we could have a discussion.

JAYLYNN: Wait, so what about RK's phone call?

SANTA CLAUS: I tapped his phone and disguised my voice.

JAYLYNN: Well, what the hell was all that spooky shit about?!

SANTA CLAUS: Oh, I just do that to f*** around with children. Now, Jaylynn, you were about to do a really naughty thing to your friend Lynne and I don't appreciate it.

JAYLYNN: Okay, "Santa," did one of the guys put you up to this? What kind of dollar store costume is that? And Lynne's not my friend, she's the devil incarnate. So you can just...

SANTA CLAUS: SILENCE!

Beat.

SANTA CLAUS: Sorry, other than saying "Ho Ho Ho," I don't know how to get people's attention. Now, Jaylynn, you have to understand something very important. *sighs* It's harder now to be a kid than at any other point in the history of the world. They know too much, they're exposed to too much. By the time they're your age, they're obsessed with smartphones and the internet, and it makes me sick. But Lynne was blessed with something that not many kids have these days: Innocence. And you were about to take that away from her.

JAYLYNN: I wasn't taking away anything. I just wanted her to get over herself.

SANTA CLAUS: By doing what? Letting her know her favorite character's not real? That I'm not real? Jaylynn, what you were about to do wasn't for Lynne, it was for yourself. Because you just wanted to make yourself feel better about what you did.

JAYLYNN: Well, we're just going to have to agree to disagree on that, Nick. All I'm saying is that if I don't let Lynne know the truth about life, she'll use what happened against me forever.

SANTA CLAUS: Jaylynn, come on now. Lynne's just a kid. And you know how kids are. They get angry about something, and five minutes later, they'll forget.

JAYLYNN: Well, Lynne's not going to forget this. Her sole purpose in life is to make mine a living hell.

SANTA CLAUS: Lynne may be your worst enemy, but she's a very good girl. She just sees the world in a different way. When she finds out that what she believes in now isn't real, it will be when she finds out. But until that day, let up on her.

JAYLYNN: Wow. So Lynne actually has feelings.

SANTA CLAUS: She does. And remember, you used to believe in me a while back. Maybe you could start believing in me again. You have a good night.

Santa gives Jaylynn a candy cane and she starts walking up the stairs.

SANTA CLAUS: And tell Buster to stop sending letters to the workshop. I don't know what he did to his toy ball. I DON'T KNOW!

JAYLYNN: That sounds like Buster's problem.

Cut to Jaylynn waking up in the middle of the night.

JAYLYNN: I can't believe I've been wrong about Lynne this whole time. Beat. What was Santa doing stuck in hell?

SCENE 20

The Saleh Apartment

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

Lynne is doing her homework when she gets a knock at the door. She walks to the door and opens it to reveal Jaylynn holding a cardboard box.

LYNNE: Okay, do it. Kill me now.

JAYLYNN: What?!

LYNNE: I mean, you've already terrorized my life for three years and embarrassed me in public. You might as well just finish the job.

JAYLYNN: I'm not here to kill you. I'm here to give you a peace offering.

Jaylynn takes out a stuffed Daniel Tiger from the box.

JAYLYNN: Check it out. In the best condition around.

LYNNE: Big deal. I already have two of those.

JAYLYNN: Yeah, but you don't have one like this.

Jaylynn presses a red button on Daniel Tiger.

DANIEL TIGER: Hi Lynne! You're my favorite neighbor!

LYNNE: OMG, that's so cute! HE SAID MY NAME!

JAYLYNN: And he's all yours.

LYNNE: How did you even do this?!

JAYLYNN: A guy at Build-A-Bear owed me a favor. I'm serious, I had to get my end of the deal. Look, Lynne, I know we'll never see eye to eye on anything, but you obviously love Daniel Tiger and I can't really shit on you for just being a kid.

LYNNE: So what now?

JAYLYNN: Well, I say I'm sorry for ruining your day at the mall. And you know, we don't always have to be at each other's throats.

LYNNE: I guess we don't. Secretly, I always kinda wished we could be friends.

JAYLYNN: Really?

LYNNE: No, not really, you annoy me every time I hear you talk. But thanks for this.

JAYLYNN: You're welcome, I guess.

Jaylynn slowly extends her hand for Lynne to shake. They stare at each other for two seconds, then Lynne goes to quickly hug Jaylynn, and they both smile.

JAYLYNN: Alright, I'm out.

LYNNE: Yeah, I'm gonna go too. Wait, Jaylynn, one thing?

JAYLYNN: Yeah?

LYNNE: Anja told me you were a big fan of Maggie and the Ferocious Beast. What is that?

JAYLYNN: What is that? Great googily moogily, Lynne, you have a lot to learn. Maggie and the Ferocious Beast might possibly be the greatest kids cartoon ever made. At one point, it was even bigger than SpongeBob.

LYNNE: Really?

JAYLYNN: No, but if you give me ten minutes, I'll explain to you why it should have been.

Jaylynn walks inside the apartment and quickly shuts the door behind her. Fade to black.

("Work" by Gang Starr plays in the end credits)

POST-CREDITS GAG

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Lunchroom

Seattle, Washington

The kids are all eating lunch together the next day.

BUSTER: You know, I'm glad everything is finally back to norman.

SPARKY: What? You mean, back to normal.

BUSTER: No, I was watching Rugrats this morning. I know what I said.

WADE: RK, are you sure you've learned something from your little revenge tour?

RK: You know what? I did, Wade. I learned that it's not healthy to be angry all the time. And I'm glad you guys were there to help me take down all my enemies.

JAYLYNN: I missed pretty much everything you guys did. Should I be concerned?

RK: Nope. All you need to know is that this is a new chapter in the book of RK Jennings. A promise for a better tomorrow, a hope for a brighter and sunnier future.

BUSTER: Hey, look! All the guys we beat up want to apologize for wronging you!

Cut to the people that the guys assaulted the day before standing at the cafeteria back door, enraged.

SPARKY: How do you know they want to apologize?

BUSTER: Why else would they be here?

WADE: They're here to assault us!

RK: Yeah, that makes sense. Whenever you beat people up, you should probably expect repercussions.

WADE: RK, DO SOMETHING!

RK: Don't worry, guys, I have an idea.

Beat.

RK: RUN LIKE HELL!

RK and the boys scream as they run away and the people they beat up (including the bum) chase after them while "Duck Down" plays in the background again. Jaylynn looks at the camera, shrugs, then goes back to eating. Cut to black.

©2017 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS