The non-adventures of Ark
Episode 3: Elbobo Never Dies
Scene 1:
(Snowy mountains)
(Ark is looking around the snow. He has a large backpack and skis on. His communicator starts to ring)
Ark: Hello? Hello? Stupid person, he's got his finger on the send button.
Cojiro: No I haven't you… anyway. Have you found the Democratic Allies Informative Silver yet?
Ark: Geez, I'm trying okay!
Cojiro: Lousy, stupid…
Ark: Gah! This idiot couldn't do anything without me! Who is he, anyway?
(Ark saw something glitter in the snow)
Ark: Aha! (He holds it aloft. The Zelda 'finding an item' music plays) What the… what was that?
(He looks behind him. Link is there)
Ark: Link! What are you doing here?
Link: Oh Ark, won't you join my adventures… we'll have ever so much… fun…
Run Ark! It's a trap! Aghh!
(He gets shot)
Ark: Wheeaaghh! (Skis away. Men on skis follow him down the hill)
(The communicator buzzed loudly)
Ark: Yello?
Cojiro: Ark, could you pick me up some pizza on the way. Let's see, pepperoni, ham, bacon, everything except that fish everyone leaves off Pizzas… you know the ones, Ark?
Ark: Cojiro! Help! They're following me down a hill and.. aggh! They have guns!
Cojiro: Well that's just perfect. All you ever think about is you, you, you, running around using your tiny brain in a vague attempt to fathom what's going on…
Ark: What the? Aha! I have a cunning idea. Almost too good to be true…
(He sees a large drop in-front of him. He skis towards it)
Man on skis: STOP! He'll never make it down alive!
(Ark jumps off the cliff. He falls for a while, then pulls a cord which opens a parachute with the British flag on. He glides safely down)
Title Song:
Enter song here
Scene 2
(Cojiro's house)
Cojiro: So, you got it then, did ya, did ya?
Ark: Yes! Now will you stop impersonating a 1920's chimney sweep?
Cojiro: Ahem. Sorry. So you got the silver, then?
Ark: Yes indeedy.
(Long silence)
Ark: Right. But this appears to be only half the silver. Can you explain what's going on?
Cojiro: Well, you see… I store Britains supply of silver and gold at my house, and…
Ark: Why?
Cojiro: Umm… it's because… I'm the Prime Minister. Anyway, all the silver got stolen, and none of the gold. This left me wondering why someone would steal the (Ag) but not the (Au).
Ark: I see. Wait a minute… Ag and Au… that almost sounds like Elbobo!
Cojiro: Now I must honestly say that is the weakest link I have ever seen. It's pitiful. Who writes this, anyways?
(Ark and Cojiro look around, suspiciously)
Ark: I propose we go to the 'Expensive Hotel' in California, where Elbobo is currently staying.
Cojiro: Great! We can take the new BMW!
Ark: !
Cojiro: I wish I could say that, but I can't. Let's go talk to Will.
Scene 3
(Will's hut)
Will: SOOOOO! It appears once again, my assistance is needed so you can build your flying machine…!
Ark: Umm.. no, that was you.
Will: …here is the ignition keys, take the silver one over there. My pilot Billy-Bob will fly you over to California.
Billy-Bob: Hi everybody!
Cojiro + Ark: Hi Billy-Bob.
Scene 4
(Inside plane)
Cojiro: This film… it's so sad…
Ark: What is it?
Cojiro: It's called 'The cat that never moves'. He just sits there… blinking…
Ark: Right. I'm going to go and see what the pilot is up to. I'm naturally curious, see.
(Ark enters pilots cabin and sees that there is no-one there)
Ark: REHRERGHHIGH!
Cojiro: Why are you rehrerghhigh'ing? What's up?
Ark: There's no pilot, and we're steadily heading towards that cliff!
Ark + Cojiro: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
(Ark and Cojiro draw a deep breath)
Ark + Cojiro: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
Ark: With the screaming out of the way, let's pull back on this stick to make the plane increase in altitude.
Cojiro: Good idea.
(The plane safely makes it over the cliff)
Scene 5
(Ark + Cojiro arrive at 'The Expensive Hotel' in California)
Ark: Hi! Can you tell us where our good friend ElBobo is?
Woman at desk: Damn! It pains me that I am going to reveal ElBobo's secret hideout!
He's in lab 1F. Uh, I mean room 1F. Ha ha.
Ark: Right! Let's go! I'll stay in your room, Cojiro my main man.
Scene 6:
(Hotel sun deck/swimming pool area. ElBobo is playing cards)
Ark: I'll go over there. You walk around a bit. And act normal.
Cojiro: Couldn't do anything but.
(Ark sits down near ElBobo)
ElBobo: Er, could I have my usual seat?
SparroHawc: Sure. That can't possibly help you in any way. Even though you've beaten me every day.
ElBobo: What's the game?
SparroHawc: Five-card straight twist poker.
ElBobo: Fine by me.
(Ark looks on)
Strange Man: Hello. In France, October's a winter month.
Ark: True. But we're in A-M-E-R-I-C-A.
Strange man: It's me,
Ark: Wow! Do you have any special gadgets for me?
Zed: No. This isn't a James Bond movie, you know.
(Very, very long silence. Someone coughs.)
Ark: …
Zed: Rrrrrrright. I have your assignment from Cojiro.
(Zed hands Ark the
Ark: Hey, Zed. Who is Cojiro anyway? I mean, he knew all about me in my first adventure, and now he constantly follows me around.
Zed: (Scared) What do you mean? Cojiro is a… er…. Look over there! (Jumps away) Hynagh!
Ark: Surreal. What! Where's ElBobo gone?
(ElBobo has left his table)
Ark: I'd better go see Cojiro.
Scene 7
(Ark enters Cojiro's room. He sees Cojiro lying on the bed covered in a blue substance)
Ark: Nooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!
Cojiro: Noooooooooooo!!!!!!!!
Ark: Noooooooooooo!!!!!!!
Cojiro: Noooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!
Ark: What?
Cojiro: Nooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!
Ark: Cojiro, I thought you were…
Cojiro: Nooooooooo!!!!!!!!
Ark: WILL YOU SHUT UP! SHUT UP! WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!
Cojiro: W-w-w-w…. Well. Ark, I never… never. That's it. You're going on my enemy's list. (Gets out pad and writes something down) There. You're in for it now, Ark. Ha! Only kidding! Look what I really wrote! (Ark looks at the pad. It says 'I really like Ark!')
Ark: Oh God.
Cojiro: Now, let's have a good old screeching contest! Aghhhh!
Ark: Just hold it there. I got you're letter from Zed, but I haven't read it yet, so…
Cojiro: JUMP!
(Ark and Cojiro jump out of the room)
Ark: Well… that was interesting.
(Room blows up)
Ark: Cojiro! You saved my life! I owe you… wait… there was something I wanted to ask you… aha! Who the hell are you?
Cojiro: Alas, I knew this day would come… I won't lengthen this out, I'll just tell you straight away. It was 1966, when England were winning the world cup…
(Room blows up again)
Cojiro: (not seeing the room blow up) …was in my infancy, and you would think that a baby wouldn't have to dance with a racoon…
(Room explodes viciously)
Cojiro: (still not seeing the room explode) …seriously though, I like the English Patient. Very dull and very complex and very, very boring. It was my kind of film. I liked the piano too. Did you see Harvey Cortell running around in the nip? Ark? Ark?
(Ark is lying unconscious)
Cojiro: Oh crumbcakes.
Scene 8
(In England)
Ark: Wh-where am I?
Cojiro: You're in a hospital in the place you call London.
Ark: What do you call it?
Cojiro: New Snodberry County.
Ark: Gee… I must have been asleep for 7 years. Why are we in England?
Cojiro: While you were asleep, we found out that ElBobo was running his crime syndicate over here, trying to steal… a certain amount of goods.
Ark: What was he stealing?
Cojiro: No time for that! Let's go!
Scene 9
(ElBobo's hideout)
ElBobo: Well, now we have this Democratic Allies Informative Silver, we can go to this Cojiro's house and take the rest. Then we can build our
Marti the cohort: What does it do sir?
ElBobo: Shut up! (shoots Marti)
Marti: Oh… I'm in quite a lot of pain…
(ElBobo shoots Marti again)
Marti: Ow! Please could you get me some medical assistance right now…
(ElBobo shoots Marti again)
Marti: I'm okay… I just need urgent medical attention… if you will just press this button on my phone, I will… auag!!!!!!!!!
ElBobo: Finally. Now! To Cojiro's house!
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Batman style music accompanies a spinning picture of Cojiro and Ark
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Scene 10
(Cojiro's house)
Ark: What do we do.
Cojiro: We sit. And wait. Here have a sweet.
(Cojiro threw Ark the
Ark: Hey, this may come in handy if a certain situation arises.
Cojiro: Ark, what kind of a completely ludicrous situation would require some explosive candy?
Ark: Yeah, you're right.
(Throws candy away)
Cojiro: Anyway, Lisa says to me she says…
(Knock at the door)
Cojiro: Who is it?
Voice: It's… umm… Cherubae.
Ark: That doesn't sound like Cherubae. I'd better blow the door off with one of my time bombs.
(Ark blows up door)
Cherubae: Auag! Why! I just wanted to give you… this…
Ark: What's this? An s. bulb! Get with the times, baby!
(There is a very, very long silence. Tumbleweed blows by them. More silence. Someone coughs)
Ark: Right. Let's go back inside.
(They go inside. Immediately, there is a knock at the k-door)
Cojiro: Who is it?
Voice: ElBobo. Damn! I mean, uh! The breakfast man!
Ark: Ooh! Breakfast!
(Ark opens the door)
ElBobo: Hynagh! Fooled you!
(ElBobo punches Ark)
Cojiro: It's down to me…
Cojiro cast silence, level 17
ElBobo: Noooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(ElBobo is frozen solid)
Cojiro: I don't know why I never did that in the first place.
(Ark regained consciousness)
Ark: Weehee! I did it!
Cojiro: Ark, you…
Ark: In your face you stupid ElBobo! You'll never bother anyone again!
Cojiro: And that's the end of that chapter.
Scene 11
(Ark's house)
Cojiro: So, Ark, did you learn anything today?
Ark: Yeah, the breakfast man is a loser!
Cojiro: Well, that isn't quite… oh well.
Ark: Oh yeah! I never read that letter ZedPower gave to me!
(Ark got out
Ark: Oh no… oh no… oh no!
Cojiro: What does it say!
Ark: It says that ElBobo has a brother!
Cojiro: gasp Who?
Ark: His name is…. Terranigma Freak!
Both: Noooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!
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Ark and Cojiro will return in 'The Freakening'!