Gus groaned as the car sputtered for a few moments, and then just died.
"Come on!" he muttered, smacking the steering wheel, but it didn't do any good.
The engine was dead, and it wasn't coming back.
He groaned again, resting his head against the wheel in defeat as smoke poured out of God-knows-where, filling the car and making him choke.
Stupid car…
Stupid Shawn for making me buy the stupid car…
What am I going to do now…?
He got out, still coughing from the fumes, debating whether or not he wanted to risk riding the rest of the way home on the back of Shawn's bike. He never got to decide, however, as at that moment a blue Miata pulled up next to him. The top was down, and in the driver's seat was a pretty blonde, probably in her mid-twenties, wearing a pink spaghetti-strap tank top.
"Car trouble?" She asked with a coy smile, pushing her sunglasses up into her thick hair so she could see could see Gus better.
Gus raised his eyebrows interestedly.
Didn't Shawn have a story that started like this…?
Actually, didn't most of Shawn's stories like this…?
"Yeah," he grinned, looking back at the junk heap behind him. "I think it died."
"I think it died in 1974," she snorted, her green eyes flickering playfully. "Get in. I can give you a lift somewhere if you want."
"Thanks," he shrugged, trying to play it cool as he went around the passenger seat and jumped in, as if he got picked up by hot girls everyday.
"So…" she asked, pulling away from the curb back onto the highway. "What's your name?"
"Gus," he responded, deciding to forgo the formal Burton Guster this time.
After all, she wasn't a client…
"Gus," she repeated with a flirtatious grin, glancing over at him as she pulled her sunglasses back over her eyes. "I like it. It…suits you."
"Thank you. What's your name?"
"Beth."
"Beth?" Gus returned her grin with what he imagined was a flirtatious one of his own. "That's a nice name."
And he meant it.
It was a nice name.
Nice…
Normal…
Nothing at all off-putting or psychotic about a pretty blonde named Beth…
He leaned back in his seat, still watching her as she drove. She started to pick up speed as they merged into traffic. Gus watched the speedometer hit 65…then 70…then 75…
"So," she asked after a few minutes of silence, turning her head to look at him. "Doesn't a cute guy like you have a girlfriend you can call when your car breaks down?"
"No…I guess I'm just waiting for the right person…" he told her, looking nervously out the windshield as a red Corvette suddenly changed lanes just a few feet in front of them. "Shouldn't you, uh…be watching the road?" he asked, his fingers gripping his seat as strained to keep from screaming like a little girl as they almost rear-ended it.
She looked back at the road and slammed on the brakes just in time, sending Gus flying forward in his seat until the seatbelt caught him and pulled him back a moment before he went head-first through the glass.
"Sorry," she laughed with a careless shrug as the Corvette pulled away and they continued on their way. "Didn't see him…funny. That never happens to me."
Gus tried to laugh it off coolly, but the sound came out as a frightened, high-pitch squeal.
"That's okay," he choked, his voice three octaves higher than usual. "Just…don't do it again."
"Oh, I won't." she assured him, turning her head so she could look at him again.
"Look at the road!" he screamed, throwing his hands up in front of his face, even though they were flowing along with the traffic perfectly now and there wasn't even the hint of a crash in their near-future.
"Relax, Gus! I'm a great driver," she laughed, taking one hand off the wheel and playfully smacking his knee
"Then keep both hands on the wheel!" he pleaded, not believing even as he spoke the words that he was actually asking her to take her hand off his knee. "And for God's sake, watch the road!"
"Are you, like, a Driver's Ed instructor or something?" she snorted, pulling her hand away.
"No. I'm a pharmaceutical rep."
"Then what's your deal with keeping both hands on the wheel? Is it a religious thing?"
"No! I just don't want to die!"
"What? The Corvette?" She laughed, waving her hand dismissively. "That was nothing! I've had way closer calls than that!"
Somehow, this revelation didn't make Gus feel any better.
He pressed his body tensely against the seat, feeling the fabric envelope him like a protective cocoon as he watched the speedometer creep up towards 90.
Beth didn't seem to be watching it at all.
A moment later, she suddenly changed lanes without signaling or even looking over her shoulder to check her blind spot.
Gus' eyes instinctively clamped shut at the maneuver, waiting to hear the sound of screeching brakes behind them.
But, fortunately, that sound never came.
"So, no girlfriend," she continued casually, blissfully unaware of all of this. "That's too bad."
"Uh-huh…" Gus agreed, too terrified not to. "Do you…uh…have a boyfriend?"
Even as he asked the question, he regretted it.
He didn't care anymore if she had a boyfriend.
He was just wanted to get out of this car alive.
Shawn's stories never end like this!
I get one story, it's the psycho who doesn't know how to drive!
"No…" she replied, her voice suddenly sounding dark. "I don't have a boyfriend."
There were two tractor trailers ahead of them now. Beth sped up until she got between them, then for no apparent reason at all slowed down so she was matching their speed. Gus could feel the force of their wind trying to suck the little Miata under the large, deadly tires.
Once again, Beth was completely oblivious.
"He dumped me," she continued with a shrill laugh. "After three years…he goes and dumps me!"
"I'm sorry," Gus offered, clearing his throat as he pointed at a sign on the side of the road. "This is my exit coming up…you can just--"
She pulled ahead of the tractor trailers, breezing past the exit ramp without so much as a glance.
"That's okay…" Gus told her quickly. "If you take the next one--"
"He said it wasn't going anywhere," she snapped, ripping the sunglasses off her face and glaring at him. "That's what he said…it wasn't going anywhere. I mean, what the hell does that even mean, Gus?"
"I don't know…relationships are complicated…if you take this exit right here, I can still get--"
She breezed past this exit, also, without slowing down or even acknowledging his request.
The speedometer was well over 90 now.
"The next exit is in three miles," he told her, his eyes wide in unabashed terror as they passed the 100 MPH mark. "I don't know what exit it is…it's nowhere near my house….but I don't care! Just let me out there!"
"Don't be silly," she laughed. "You're not getting off at the next exit."
"I'm not?" he gulped, suddenly seeing his name splashed across newspaper headlines the next morning.
"Of course not! We still haven't figured out why men are insensitive bastards!"
She swerved into the next lane, passing a green Toyota.
"Learn to drive, Jerk!" She shouted at the driver as they sped by.
"Help me!" Gus added. "I'm being kidnapped!"
"You're not being kidnapped," she intoned in a frighteningly cool voice. "We're just…out for a ride."
He quickly decided to try a new approach.
Clearly, panic wasn't working.
"Look…Beth," he sighed, trying to steady his shaking hands. "I'm sorry you got dumped by a jerk…really…but you don't have to convince me that guys are insensitive bastards! Trust me! I know! Have you ever been strip-searched on the Mexican border?"
This question seemed to intrigue her. She slowed down to 85 MPH, looking at him out of the corner of her eye.
"What?"
"Strip-searched," he repeated. "On the Mexican border. Because I have. Twice."
"But what does that have to do with--"
"Whatever this guy did you," Gus snorted, crossing his arms across his chest. "I guarantee my friend's done worse to me. Did Lou get you strip-searched on the Mexican border?"
"No…"
"Well, my friend Shawn did that to me. I win."
Beth raised her eyebrows thoughtfully, clearly accepting the "Who has it worse?" challenge.
"Lou dumped me!" She offered.
"I've been shot at 37 times thanks to Shawn," Gus shot back. "And that's just guns! That doesn't even include poison darts, arrows, spears or tomahawks!"
Beth had to consider before pulling out her next weapon.
"Lou told me he loved me!"
"Shawn told me aggiornamento has an O!" Gus countered without a moment of hesitation.
"What?"
"Long story…" he rolled his eyes. "But, trust me. I win that one, too."
"What are you talking about?"
"I knew it wasn't an O!"
She turned her head and stared at him for a long moment, their speed dropping below 75 MPH.
"Are you insane?" she gawked. "What the hell does that even mean?"
"It means that until you spend twenty years being best friends with Shawn Spencer, you haven't earned a freak-out!" Gus snapped, his voice suddenly growing stronger as he realized she was the one who was scared now. "Come talk to me when Lou almost gets you killed by a mummy!"
"A what?"
"A mummy," he repeated, gesturing at the exit sign they were approaching. "If you let me off at the next exit, I'll tell you about it."
She shrugged, suddenly too interested to resist the offer.
Gus sighed with relief as she pulled onto the off-ramp.
When I tell Shawn this story…he promised himself, his heart rate finally returning to normal….I'm just mentioning the hot blonde part…
I'm not going to tell him the psycho part…