T'was indeed most marvellous a marvelling day in the totally rad kingdom of the Southern Park , in the fair lands of ye olde Colorado.

The trees were a laden with a layer of snow, crisper than the new crispy base crust-a-stuffen delicacy from the Hut of Pizza. The sky was most brilliant a white, like that of a white girl twerking one's booty at the club. Yes, indeed quite the sight to behold.

All the maidens fair were clothed in only the richest of riches from the trading market of Hollister, and feet a-covered by the warmest furs of the Ugg boots. These respectable young ladies chortled heartily, clutching one's chest as they admired princes most dazzling from their iPhones from the Kingdom of Apple.

Ah, yes, it was indeed quite a fine day. As fine as a fine booty.

But alas, not all would remain calm, as most foreboding a fiend lurked in the shadows, poised to strike with all its wretched mightiness at any grievous moment.

A fiend so horrendous, that not all of the kawaii of the fair Japanese princess, or all the Jewishness of the Highest Jew could slay it.

The people of the Kingdom merrily went along with their day, purchasing their goods from the Mart of Wal, and nobly riding in their metallic steeds. These poor peasants had little knowledge of the fiend, as it began to crawl into the kingdom, and pollute with its spells of the Darkest Magic.

The fiend, as ye peasants may probably be a' wondering, is the truest form of evil, sent forth from the dark Kingdom of Internet. The fiend, is the Mighty Dragon of Fanfiction, most feared throughout the land.

"Oh shit, who the fuck will save us?" Cried a peasant most random, as the beast loomed ever closer.

"Fear not, ye peasant, for your totally rad saviors and the Jew are here!" Boomed a voice. All the peasants turned to the light, to see a glorious formation of youthful mages, warriors, princesses and Jews, poised to engage in battle with the Fiend of Fanfiction.

All the peasants bowed down to their saviors, the Grand Mage stepped a forth, and bellowed in his mighty voice –

"Ey! Shitwagons! Where's that big-ass dragon at? I wanna kick some dragon ass!"

And to these wise words of wisdom, the peasants pointed down the street, to where the beast was ravaging a hot-dog stand in its raging hunger for hawt man-on-man action.

The saviors approached the beast, weapons held high, crying out battle cries, such as 'I want my mommy!' and 'HOLY FUCKCUSTARD!' like the brave warriors they were.

The fiend turned to stare at them, glowing green eyes of the brightest shade of Fanfiction green piercing into their very souls, and instilling true fear into their hearts. Alas, the mightiest of these warriors stood strong, resisting the powerful stare.

It lowered its gaze-of-death to them, and with its shrill, high pitched voice of PURE UNADULTERATED TERROR, yelled –

"OH EM GEEEEE! STYLE IS MY OTP! I MUST SHIP IT!"

And with these fearful words of dark magic, the bravest warrior and Highest Jew found themselves having an intense session of making out, their tongues battling with ferocious intensity.

"Dammit, fags, stop shoving your tongues down each other's throats and back me up while I single-handedly slay the dragoooooon!" The Great Mage cried in whiny despair.

The fiend stared on, rubbing its shadowy claws of darkness together in morbid glee, bearing great resemblance to the feared creature known as the Fangirl of Yaoi.

"Aw yiss, get in there!" It shrieked, making the kawaii-desu Princess faint in terror.

The Great Mage stood, pondering on how he had gotten into this situation. Meanwhile, the Warrior of the House of Marsh and the Jew of the House of Broflovski were engaging in the sex.

The sex was so hot and majestic that the Great Mage found an opportunity, to magically transform the hotness into a raging fireball, which slayed the Fiend powerfully.

"Shit! I hath been slayed by the power of gay butt sex!" The Fiend cried aloud, as it spontaneously combusted into fierce flames in all colours of the spectrum.

With the Fiend defeated, the peasants cheered with much joy, and the Great Mage returned to his home, to feast upon the Poofs of Cheese in celebration.

Meanwhile, the Warrior and Jew were still having the sex. No one really knew why, and many assumed it to be the work of the dark magic of the Fiend, yet no one really cared, so they just kinda rolled with it.

And so, peace was temporarily restored to the Kingdom of the Southern Park, by the power of homoerotic relations.

A/N: Thou hath returned! Believe it or not, I'm not dead. Huzzah.

So, yeah. Take this crack filled tale as a lame apology for my absence, and as a little 'Hurray-Stick-of-Truth-is-finally-out' thing.

-Cookie