Merry Christmas! Yes, I decided to write a Christmas story about Hellsing.
Wow, that is an oxymoron...
Anyway, lets see if I can think of something decently funny.
"Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the house
Not a creature was stirring
Except for my Master..."
Integra frowned as her servant recited the old poem behind her. Here she was, on Christmas eve, buried up to her eyeballs in paperwork. And the fact that Alucard was there with her made the situation so much better for her. "I think you've got it wrong..." Integra corrected him.
"Oh, yes, you're right," Alucard smirked. "I think there may still be a few other people awake..."
"No, you fool. I mean you've got the poem wrong," Integra replied. "It goes like this...
'Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the house
Not a creature was stirring
Not even a mouse.'
That is how that part of the poem goes," Integra stated matter-o-factly.
"Hmph," Alucard contemplated what she said for a moment. "But... There are mice stirring."
"Beg pardon?" Integra raised an eyebrow.
"This place is crawling with mice..." Alucard shrugged. "In fact, there is one under your desk right now," he pointed down.
Only the deepest sleeping soldiers did not wake up when Integra screamed.
-----
Seras hummed Christmas carols merrily to herself as she slid another tray of cookies into the oven. She had decided to bake cookies for all the soldiers to eat on Christmas morning. Hopefully it would help her reputation among them. It wasn't fun being branded a few by your co-workers.
"Good evening, Miss Victoria," Walter's voice made her jump. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to spook you."
"It's quite alright," Seras smiled. "What is that?" She poitned behind him. Walter had a large green bag slung over his shoulder. It seemed very heavy, and had several objects bulging against the sides.
"Oh... nothing..." Walter casually answered.
Seras frowned and shook her head. "Walter, I doubt that you are holding a heavy bag of nothing."
"Hmph..." Walter revealed a guilty smile. "Well, if you must know, it is a bag of presents." Seras shot him a 'no-duh' glare. "Quite a few, really. Some for Sir Hellsing, some for Sir Alucard, and a few for you, as well."
"Oh really?" Seras raised an eyebrow. "And what would they be?"
"I so not know, myself. Alucard ordered them," he replied.
"Master?" Seras was caught off guard by that answer.
"Yes, so we can assume they will be interesting..." Walter smirked as he walked off.
Seras frowned. She had a bad feeling about this... However, the smell of smoke caused her to turn her attention back to her cookies. "Oh no!" she yelled as she threw open the oven door and fanned back the flames. This was the 7th batch of cookies she had incenerated.
-----
"Hah hah! I win again!" Pip exclaimed as he slammed the cards in his hand down on the table. He was on a roll, having won at least 3 pounds of candy in this little game of Poker.
"Aw man..." one of the soldiers he was playing against groaned.
"Pay up!" Pip held out his hand. Reluctantly, the three soldiers at the table pushed forward the small piles of candy in front of them. He greedily reached out and scooped it all up. He chuckled to himself as he dumped it all into a plastic bag on the floor next to him.
"I'm busted..." one of the soldiers sighed.
"Me too..." groaned the third.
"Aw... You don't have enough for one more game?" Pip asked.
"I've got two candy canes left, and there is no way I am losing them," the first soldier replied.
"What's wrong, chicken?" Pip taunted him.
"No, I'm just smart enough to know when to quit," he replied.
"Hah! Frank iz a chicken!" Pip laughed.
"Grrrr..." the soldier growled.
"Brawk brawk brawk!" Pip flapped his arms like a chicken. Although, he gave more of an impression of a drunken turkey, but the message was still given quite well.
"That is it!" Frank placed the two candy canes on the table.
"Oho! So he isn't a chicken after all..." Pip smirked as he dealed the cards out.
"Well, to prove you aren't a chicken, why don't you put all your candy in the pot?" Frank suggested.
With a sly smile, Pip poured the contents of his bag onto the table. "Lets get zis over with..." he deal out the cards.
Pip looked at his cards. Lady Luck had smiled upon him, because he had a Full House. The game was over before it began. All he had to do was wait for Frank to fold, and he would-
"Royal Flush."
"Huh?" Pip's heart skipped a beat.
"Royal Flush," Frank showed him the cards in his hand. "I win."
Pip had just been beaten. Not only that, but he had just lost all his candy.
"Merry Christmas..." Frank smirked as began stuffing candy into his pockets.
"Merry Christmas..." Pip laid his head on the table and felt his ego spontaniously combust.
-----
Enrico Maxwell was sitting at his desk in his office, watching a Christmas movie on his television. He loved Christmas. And yet, at the same time, he hated certain parts of it. He loved the Christmas cheer. He hated writing Christmas bonuses... He loved Christmas carols. He hated hearing them in Irish and German accents... He loved getting presents. He hated having to go buy them... He loved egg nog. He hated hangovers...
"Good evenin' to yae, boss!" Anderson suddenly popped his head through the doorway.
"What is that on your head?" Maxwell raised an eyebrow.
"This?" Anderson pointed at the Santa hat atop his head. "Jus' a li'l bit o' Christmas cheer."
"Indeed..." Maxwell reached for the cup of tea on his desk. He took a casual sip from it. "Where are Heinkel and Yumiko?"
"Eh... somewhere," Anderson shrugged.
"Hello boss!" the door suddenly flew all the way open. Yumiko and Heinkel both barged into the room. Yumiko had on a pair of raindeer antlers, while Heinkel had on an elf hat.
"Found 'em..." Anderson smiled.
"Merry Christmas, boss!" Yumiko chimed.
"Merry Christmas, boss," Heinkel greeted him in a more reserved manner.
"Merry Christmas to you both," Maxwell smiled. "What can I do for you?"
"Well..." Yumiko paused. "We... sort of..." she stuttered.
"What?" Maxwell raised an eyebrow.
"We wanted to know..." Yumiko nervously twisted a lock of her hair around her fingers.
"Spit it out," Maxwell sighed.
"Er..." Yumiko scratched the back of her head.
"Boss, we want to know about Christmas bonuses," Heinkel rolled her eyes.
"Oh..." Maxwell stared at them. "Pray tell, why should I write bonuses for you two nit-wits? You do more harm then good, you screw up your missions more often than not, I've nearly been fired several times because of you, and lets not forget all these bills I keep recieving for bullets and... What was that other thing? Oh right, dry cleaning. Do realize how much it costs to get blood out of your uniforms?! A LOT!"
"Eh..." Heinkel and Yumiko stayed silent.
"So WHY should I give you bonuses?" Maxwell leaned towards them.
"Becuase it's Christmas?" Yumiko smiled nervously.
Maxwell grinned. "Good enough for me," he replied in a calm manner.
"Thanks boss!" both girls smiled.
"Wa' 'bout me?" Anderson raised an eyebrow.
"Yes... you too..." Maxwell smiled.
After everything was taken care of, the Iscariot operatives at long last left his office. Maxwell let out a sigh. "Finally, some peace and quiet..."
No less than three seconds later, the horrid sound of off-key Christmas carols reached his ears.
"Why me?" he put his hands over his eyes and sighed.
"Jingle bells, jingle bells..." Seras sang softy to herself as she walked up the stairs out of the basement. She had finally gone to bed, only to be woken up by Alucard. It was almost time for everyone to open their presents. A practice Alucard loathed, she assumed from the look on his face he had been wearing when he awoke her. She hadn't seen him since then. Seras reached the top of the stairs and walked into the foyer of the Hellsing manor. The stairs had been covered in lights and tinsel, and a large tree was set up in the center of the room. But as she walked in, she tripped over something. "What the heck?!"
"Eh?" Pip was sprawled out on the floor. He tiredly raised his head to look up at her. "Bonjour..."
"Why are you on the floor?" Seras asked.
"Too much eggnog... killer headache... urgh..." Pip's head dropped back down on the ground. "Could you get me some pills or something?"
"I'll ask Walter if I see him..." Seras had no pity for the drunken idiot. It was his own fault for getting a hangover.
"Good morning, Miss Victoria," Walter suddenly spoke up from behind her. Seras jumped slightly. "I am sorry. Did I scare you again?"
"Again?" Pip raised his head. "Is the vampire afraid of an old man? Hahahahah-" Seras' foot colliding with his face stopped the laughter. "Ow."
"Where is Master?" Seras looked around.
"He will be here momentarily. Integra is putting the finishing touches on his costume," Walter smiled.
"Costume?" Seras arched an eyebrow.
As if on cue, the doors at the top of the stairwell flew open. Alucard strolled out, a large bag of what could be assumed to be presents slung over his shoulder. He was no longer wearing his normal red coat and fedora. Instead... he was dressed as Santa. With a red suit, white bears, and funny hat, he walked down the stairs amid the laughter and applause of the soldiers. "Ho... ho... ho..." he forced himself to laugh.
"Now I have seen everything..." Seras whispered to herself. As Alucard reached the bottom of the stairs, Pip burst into hysterical laughter.
"ZIS IS PURE GOLD!" Pip roared as he rolled around on the floor laughing.
Alucard growled as he walked over to the French mercenary. Then he smiled. Not a good, kind smile. A horrible, evil smile filled with mischief and darkness. "Guess what? You're on the Naughty List!"
"Do I get a piece of coal or something then?" Pip asked sarcastically.
"No. You get a visit from me in your nightmares tonight," Alucard flashed a crooked grin. Pip gulped nervously.
"What about me?" Seras piped up.
"You..." Alucard paused to think. "Are on the Nice List, Police Girl."
"Do I get a present?" Seras asked.
Alucard put down the large bag and began to dig through it. "Yesssss, I think you deserve something good..." After a few seconds of digging, he withdrew something that Seras instantly hated. It was a nutcracker. Not just any nutcracker, though. It was a nutcracker that looked like Alucard.
"Eh... thanks?" Seras cautiously took it from his hands.
"Merry Christmas," Alucard smirked. "Actually, you're real present is this..." he handed her a book. It was a comprehensive guide to vampire myths and legends. "It should he help you understand a little about your heritage..."
"Thanks?" Seras wasn't sure if this was any better.
"What about me, Saint Nick?" Walter smirked at his old friend.
"You're on the Nice List," Alucard casually replied as he handed the butler a small box. Walter opened it and smiled.
"Well this is interesting," he smiled as he pulled out a pair of black leather gloves.
"The newest technology," Alucard smiled. "The cutting edge, so to speak."
"Ahem," a feigned cough caused Alucard to turn around. Integra was standing behind him, a cigar sticking out of the corner of her smiling mouth. "You're filling in the part of Father Christmas quite well."
"Thanks," Alucard scowled.
"Do you have anything for me?" Integra raised an eyebrow.
"Yes, even though you're on the Nau-" Alucard stopped when Integra glared at him. "Nice List..." He fished into the bag and withdrew a small green box.
"Hm..." Integra popped it open. "Cubans?" she pulled out a cigar. "You know these are illegal," she frowned.
"Master, I am a vampire. I kill people and do bad things. The concept of breaking trade laws is not too large for me," he smiled.
"Merry Christmas!" Pip shouted from the floor.
"Merry Christmas!" Seras chimed in.
"Merry Christmas!" Walter joined the cheer.
"Merry Christmas!" Integra exclaimed.
"I hate the holidays!" Alucard yelled.
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!