Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or any of these cliches (Thank God.)
1. Just Another "Normal" Vampire Family
Emmett: Yo, Eddie, stop being such a prude and just screw Bella already!!
Edward: -growls- STOP CALLING ME EDDIE! AND I'M NOT A PRUDE!
Emmett: Well, I can't help that my life only consists of sex with Rosalie and making fun of you, EDDIE-POO!!
-Edward lunges for Emmett and they wrestle while Jasper feeds their anger because he is just a jerk with too nothing better to do.-
Esme: BOYS, STOP IT RIGHT NOW OR I'M SENDING YOU TO ANOTHER FOSTER HOME!
Edward and Emmett: Sorry, Mom.
Esme: You are both grounded even though you're both over 70 years old.
Edward and Emmett: Yes, Mom.
-All goes well until this is repeated a few days later...-
I think this one is pretty self-explanatory...
2. The Girl Who Cried Monster
-Edward takes Bella for her first hunt after her change.-
Edward: Don't worry, Bella. Just follow your instincts and-(Bella smells deer and runs off)BELLA!
-Edward finds Bella by drained deer.-
Edward: Bella!
Bella: Edward! OMG! What have I done? I am such a monster even though I knew this would happen!
Edward: No, my sweet Bella, of course you're not.
Bella: What have I done? I'm such a horrible monster even though yous family has been STRUGGLING with this lifestyle out of compassion for years...
Edward: It's ok.. It doesn't hurt me that you've basically implied that my family and I are monsters... we aren't insulted at all. And besides, Bambi's tasty.
Bella: Oh, Edward!
Edward: By the way, you look so hot when you hunt, let's make out!
Bella-shoves Bambi aside- Okay.
I guess I'm not really making fun of a whole fic here, and most people probably don't find this annoying, but it really bothers me. Bella is the only one who has CHOSEN this way of life... sure, it could still be a shocker... but all those comments about being a monster are pretty insensitive. It's like a skinny person complaining about how fat they are to a less-skinny person.
3. "Miracle" Gone Wrong
Bella: OMG I've been so sick... I'm probably pregnant!
-takes pregnancy test and finds out she's pregnant-
Bella: Oh no! Edward's going to hate me for ruining his life which had no meaning before me! There's no way he would want kids he wasn't supposed to be able to have! I must run away!!
-Bella becomes super-efficient at hiding thanks to the super pregnancy hormones and gives birth to one boy and one girl.
16 years later...
Edward+ rest of Cullens: Bella? Is that you??
Bella: Edward!!
Edward: I'm so glad to see you even though I don't know why you left!!
Bella: Edward, meet your children!
Edward: That's not possible...
Bella: But it is... I baked them in my oven for 9 months.
Carlisle: I have never seen anything like this! It must be a miracle.
Bella: Oh Edward, can you ever forgive me? Those pregnancy hormones must have made me dumber than I realized...
Edward: Of course Bella. There is nothing to forgive.
Kids: Daddy, we hate you! Even though we shouldn't really exist...
Bella: Let's make more babies!
Edward: Okay.
... I can even read through pregnancy stories if I just pretend they take place in some alternate universe where Bella CAN get pregnant... but really... the second "twist" sounds like Twilight meets Harlequin romance novels. Nothing against the latter but it really doesn't make sense. AT ALL.