If You Were Gay
It was nice, peaceful day and our favourite Brit was sitting in a comfy armchair with a pot of tea and a recipe book. He mused out loud to himself about the pleasantness of the situation.
"Ah an afternoon alone with my favourite book, "Mummy Britannia's easy recipes for aspiring cook". No idiotic American or potential rapist to bother me. How can life get better than this?" At this point the door flung open revealing Alfred with his usual heroic (apparently) grin.
"Yo Arthur what up?" Alfred bounded across the room toward Arthur.
"Oh hi Alfred." Arthur sighed. Looks like he spoke too soon.
Perhaps if he could ignore the American he would become bored and leave. His tea was becoming awfully cold and he wanted to finish reading about different types of scones.
Arthur pretended to read but Alfred wasn't going to give up that easily.
"You'll never Guess what happened to me on the subway this morning.
This guy was smiling at me and talking to me."
"That's very interesting." Arthur didn't look up an continued reading. Alfred grabbed the book out of his hands.
"He was being real friendly. I think he was coming on to me. I think he thought I was gay." Arthur was curious to see where the conversation was leading at this point.
"So why are you telling me this? Why should I care? I don't care about your stupid shenanigans on the subway."
"Well you don't have to get all defensive..." Alfred began before cut off by Arthur.
"How in anyway am I becoming defensive. I don't wish to know about some gay guy you met." He reached up and grabbed his book back. He flicked to a random page and started to read again.
"Well I just think it should be something we should be able to talk about. Especially if you can relate to it. Alfred crossed his arms at the spluttering Englishman.
"Well I do not wish to talk about it. This conversation is over." Arthur poured some tea as Alfred tried again.
"Yeah but Artie..." Again he was cut of but Arthur.
"Over!" Alfred had the face of a kicked puppy but he suddenly hatched a plan.
"Well okay but just so you know." And that's when Alfred started to sing in his squeaky voice.
"If you were gay
That'd be okay.
I mean 'cause hey!
I like you any way!
Because you see, if it were me
I would feel free to say
that I was gay
But I'm not gay!
Arthur stared in disbelief as Alfred stopped for a second.
"Alfred! What the bloody..."
"If you were queer
I'd still be here, year after year
because you're dear to me
and I that you."
"What?" Arthur said, becoming angrier by the second.
"Would accept me too!
If I told you today
that I was gay.
But I'm not gay!"
By this time Arthur was ready to strangle the American. How dare he prance into his house and accuse him, the almighty England, of being gay. Wales, Ireland and Scotland would never let him live it down.
"I'm happy just being with you
So what should it matter to me
what you do in bed with guys?"
"Alfred! That is unacceptable!" Arthur shouted at the younger nation. Kid these days!
"No it's not" Alfred shouted back, sticking out his tongue. America began to can-can causing England to face-palm.
"If you were gay
I'd shout hooray and here I'd stay
but I wouldn't get in your way!"
"Argh." Arthur jumped up, attempting to grab the American and physically force him out his house.
"You can count on me
to always be
beside you everyday
to tell you it's okay
you were just born that way
and as they say it's in your DNA
you're gay!"
"I am not gay!" Arthur stormed out the house, slamming the door shut so forcefully his favourite tea set broke.
"If you were gay." America finished but he realized he was speaking to an empty room.