A/N: Dedicated with much love to my fandom family, The RTOO, who keep their spirit of love, hope and friendship not just on Christmas, but all year round.
Special thank you to b wbatedbreath /b for her quick and efficient beta, even on the busiest day of the year.
Lorelai woke up that morning with her mind as clear as if she's been awake for at least an hour. As a matter a fact, she woke up more clear than she had in months. She didn't have to open her eyes to check what it was. She just knew.
It was a late December evening when the bell over the diner's door gave a familiar jingle. Luke didn't have to look to see who it was. He just knew. Even after all this time, he couldn't not recognize that particular tingling, nor that little drop in the pit of his stomach that happened each and every time he heard it. It was her.
She walked in slowly, hesitantly, each high heeled, click-clocking step prominent in the silence of the empty diner, as if to stress the importance of the occasion.
"You decorated," she finally spoke. "You never decorate."
He turned around from the coffee machine to face her. Her face was white and her nose was reddened by the biting cold night air, which made her blue eyes seem brighter than ever. He cleared his throat.
"Yeah, well… I just thought, it's my first Christmas with April…that it might be…" he gestured around him, searching for the right word. "…nice."
She nodded quietly, thoughtfully, and looked around, taking the sight in. Her eyes widened as they registered all the little changes, looking at the diner for the first time after the longest period she's ever spent away from the place. The multi-colored little lights were reflecting in her moist eyes.
"It's beautiful, Luke. The place looks really… beautiful."
In his heart, he always knew this day would come. That no matter what happened between them, her addiction wouldn't let her stay away for too long. He had no doubt this day would come eventually and he had prepared for it. He thought about it. He pictured it, and he knew exactly the right thing to say, relating to that one thing that no matter where their relationship was, was always right, was always 'them'. He had the words ready. Only right now, as luck would have it, he could not use them.
"I just cleaned the coffee machine," he blurted out.
"That's ok," she sat at the counter anyway.
"I don't have any more coffee…" he fidgeted around, in search of something to make this moment a little less awkward, make it at least have the appearance of normality.
"I didn't come for the coffee."
He stopped his fidgeting and straightened his gaze to her. So, they weren't going to play it normal, it seemed. Her eyes wouldn't leave his. He took a deep breath.
"Why did you come here, Lorelai?"
"What do you mean?" she asked in a tired, unconvincingly innocent voice. "I always come here around this time of the year. It's a Christmas tradition."
He sighed inaudibly, "I know. But our 'always' have been through quite a change lately. Didn't think we really had an 'always' anymore."
She opened her mouth, obviously hesitant to say something, half closed it again, and finally settled for a quiet "I know".
"Isn't Christmas a time for family?" he wasn't sure why he was asking.
"Yes," she answered. "Yes, it is." She was barely blinking. "Rory is away with her boyfriend…"
"Same one?"
"Same one. My parents already did their Christmas thing."
He wasn't going to ask.
She told him anyway.
"Christopher is in Paris with his daughter. I thought he should be with her… on Christmas."
"Makes sense," he nodded, trying to keep his face emotionless. He wasn't sure he was doing such a great job.
"I've been smelling it, all day…"
"Smelling it?"
"Snow. It's been… so strong. I just woke up today, and it was just… snow. It really… made me think."
"Did it?" he wasn't sure if this was a conversation he should be having.
"Do you remember this time, last year?" he looked down, determined not to respond. "It's ok to admit that you do, you know. I remember it."
"Lorelai…" he sighed, "I really don't think we should…" he knew she wasn't going to back off. "Maybe I should sit down."
"Maybe," she watched him as he went around the counter and sat one stool away from her.
"It was my happiest day that year, you know? How everything just fell so perfectly into place… I thought, this was my prize, my reward, to make up for all the horribleness with Rory… like the universe was trying to tell me something. I paid my dues, and it was finally my time to be happy. Just… happy. I thought it was…"
"Fate," he shook his head bitterly.
"Fate," she half laughed, "I thought it was fate, it was all so… perfect. And then…"
"It wasn't so perfect anymore," he completed.
"No, it really wasn't," her face fell while she was remembering. "I was so unhappy, Luke. And I didn't expect it. I thought, once things were good with Rory…"
"I know. Things turned out… different."
"I just kept thinking, if it is fate, if it is meant to be, then I wouldn't have to tell you, you would just get it and fix it and everything will be perfect again," she had to stop to keep herself from crying.
"But I didn't," he started feeling sorry she came there. Why was she doing this? Bringing it all up again? What's the use? It was just hurting them both. "It wasn't fate."
"No. It was… stupidity. I was… ridiculous. You can't do that. You can't… just wait for things to happen a certain way and then blame the universe when they don't. It just doesn't work that way."
He wasn't sure how to respond. Luckily, he didn't have to.
"You don't just wait for someone to figure out what you want, how you feel… you can spend your whole life unhappy, just waiting for 'fate' to kick in. And I don't want to do that anymore."
He found it hard to breathe, hard to swallow. This whole thing had gone too far.
"Lorelai, this is wrong…" he jumped out of his seat, "We can't…"
"Luke! I really need to tell you this," she pleaded. "Please? I need to tell you."
She grabbed his hand and pulled him back to his stool.
"I came to a realization today. I shouldn't have waited for you to figure out how I was feeling all by yourself. And I shouldn't wait for him to figure it out either." The expression on her face was more intense than he'd seen in over a year. He remembered that expression well. The last time he saw it was probably the happiest night of his life. Whatever it was she was going to say next, he was glad he was sitting.
"I called Christopher this morning. I told him I want a divorce."
He let out a sharp breath. "How did… he take it?"
"He… wasn't happy. But he wasn't surprised. I think… he knew this was coming. I guess he's more perceptive than I give him credit for," she smiled wearily.
"More perceptive than me, you mean?"
"No, that's not what I meant. I guess I just wasn't as committed… to pretending. Anyway, I told him it was a mistake for us to… and that we should finish it, before it can cause any more hurt, before Gigi gets too attached, before we won't even be able to stay friends anymore…"
"And?"
"I… don't think we're gonna be friends any time soon. But maybe, after a while, we will at least be able to face each other, for Rory."
"I hope so," he said, surprised by his own sincerity. He understood now, better than ever, the importance of a healthy, respectful relationship with the parent of your child. He found himself rubbing her knuckles with his thumb, the way he used to, unaware when he started to do so, or that he was even still holding her hand.
"Thank you," she wasn't pulling her hand away.
"So… big day today?"
"It's not over yet."
"No?"
"There's still one thing that needs to happen."
"What is that?"
"My Christmas present," she smiled and gestured outside.
"Your annual walk in the first snow?" he smiled softy.
"That's it. And in the spirit of my New Year's resolution to take fate into my own hands, I would really love to share it with you."
He wasn't sure what to say. He knew this day would come. He had thought of it, he had prepared for it, but for this, he wasn't ready. His mind was blank, still overwhelmed by the amount of new information. His heart, however, was beating wildly, joyfully. It was hard to try and make sense of it all.
"So… are you coming?" she got up, ready to go.
"It's not even snowing yet," he gave making sense one final attempt.
"No," she smiled and grabbed his hand, leading him towards the door, "But it will."