Of Dreams and Wishes

by fantasticallyrandom

Subaru finds himself in a dreamscape where he meets Kamui for a strange conversation which allows the two to realize something about themselves. One-shot

Xandra (alexkok@singnet.com.sg) and MidorinoMizu (seishirou@excite.com)

jointly presents

Of Dreams and Wishes.

Summary: Subaru finds himself in a dreamscape where he meets Kamui for a strange conversation which allows the two to realize something about themselves.

Disclaimer: All the characters and symbols that are in this story belong entirely to Clamp. We don't think we could have perverted them worse than what Clamp has done.

Spoiler: set just after X18

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Subaru's first thought as he found himself in a dream for the first time in months minus the blood and sakura, was something along the lines of 'what the hell?'

Instead of the floating sakura petals there was an unusual amount of feathers. It rather reminded him of being at a poultry farm, but that wasn't a place he'd ever found himself at before. However dreams were strange and there was never logic to them. This he accepted. The little white fluttering objects tickled his nose and he suppressed a sneeze.

He impatiently brushed a few intruding ones from his face and narrowed his eyes. Since he had been sixteen, he'd grown to be the type who preferred routine. Routine was safe, routine by it's very nature, didn't throw him for a loop. Deviation from it, however, particularly in his dreams, disturbed him.

Still there was nothing for it but to move on. He appeared to be walking through a nice shopping district, Shinjuku to be precise. But instead of the usual crowd shoving each other on the walkways, the whole area was deathly silent; and covered with those damned feathers. In the way that dreams were, Subaru accepted his strange surroundings with equanimity.

Eventually Subaru managed to navigate his way through the hail of feathers, far away from the centre of Tokyo, to a place almost entirely empty. Except for one person.

Kamui. The teenager was muttering disconsolately to himself. Subaru leaned closer, fully expecting Kamui to be crying for Fuuma, as he usually did, and all that the older boy had represented.

But it wasn't Fuuma's name on Kamui's lips. It was Subaru's own.

Though taken aback, Subaru still made no move forward. He studied the still form of Kamui, suspended on a crucifix. What was with that boy and crosses? Subaru supposed it was one thing to be the savior of mankind but getting crucified even in dreams was a little extreme, even for him.

Looking around, the landscape was bare. Only two other things stood out. In the distance, a large sakura tree stood majestically blooming away. On the other side was Tokyo Tower, all lit up like a Christmas Tree. Under its shadow, Kamui hung, his dark wings stretched out wide behind his back. Subaru wondered if this was going to turn out to be one of those dreams that Freud would have no trouble interpreting.

Kamui's eyes were closed, Subaru noted. Even in his dreams, he didn't want to see.

The new Sakurazukamori sighed with some exasperation. He knew who had brought him here; there were, after all, very few people with the capability. What he didn't know was what Kuzuki-san's purpose in doing so was.

He didn't like not knowing.

He continued to stare at Kamui. After a few moments he was surprised to see a slight movement from the boy. Kamui lifted his violet eyes.

"Subaru," he said. "Are you going to leave me in my dream, too?"

Subaru stared at him stunned. What did he mean? Reaching out a hand to him, he said, "Come on down from there, Kamui." It was difficult to keep looking up at him without suffering from a neck sprain.

Kamui's eyes held total surprise at being answered. He hadn't expected this dream Subaru to be talking to him. Apparently everytime he'd seen Subaru, the man had been ignoring him. "Come... come down?" He asked puzzled. He hadn't even realized he was stuck on the cross, so used as he was to that position.

Subaru heaved a sigh. "Yes, come down. Surely that can't be comfortable."

Kamui tilted his head as he considered. "You're right, it isn't. But I don't know how?" He said plaintively.

Subaru stared up at him, and sighed again. Really, even in dreams, Kamui managed to get himself into the most impossible situations. He wished fervently for a ladder, and as if by magic a huge one appeared before him. He scowled upwards. Kuzuki-san was undoubtedly enjoying this moment.

Subaru dragged the ladder to the side of the enormous brilliantly lit Tokyo Tower and began the long climb up. When he got there, he stared at the vast network of black cables and sharp blades affixing Kamui to the cross.

"Couldn't you dream of something easy, like rope or twine?" he asked irritably.

Kamui blinked. Subaru was never irritable. He had never seen this side of Subaru before. "I don't know the meaning of easy," he replied softly.

Subaru simply snorted. He wasn't iritated with Kamui, it was the situation that he found himself in. He reached over and pulled a shinken from Kamui's right wing. He faintly heard the boy's gasp of pain, but at the moment, the blade was of more interest. It's handle was intricately carved with dragons, and the steel etched with the same, but most importantly, it was lethally sharp, certainly sharp enough to slash through cables.

The cables came loose with a snap. Subaru flinched back to avoid the end of a piece of flying wire. He was not about to lose another eye, not when the cost of gaining a new one had been so high.

Kamui looked surprised at finding himself free. He lurched forward and fell awkwardly onto Subaru. The act unbalanced the new Sakurazukamori and the two of them took an undignified tumble to the ground. Fortunately their landing was cushioned by the thick carpet of feathers that had been steadily building up all around them.

"I think you can try to get off me now," Subaru gasped, trying to get his breath back and pushing a weak hand against Kamui's chest.

Kamui, whose face had been buried into the bed of feathers beside Subaru's neck, lifted his head and spat out a few pinions. "Sorry," he said sheepishly. His wounds appeared to have miraculously healed and he was feeling so much better. He was actually very comfortable lying as he was on top of the onmyouji and was rather dismayed at the thought of having to move. He shifted his hips slightly.

Subaru's voiced hardened almost imperceptibly. "Preferably at some point in the near future."

Kamui swallowed and rolled off, lying flat on his back in the vast bed of feathers. He stared up at the sky. "I never realized there were stars in here before."

"I imagine not," murmured Subaru dryly as he pulled himself to his feet, and then turned to help Kamui up as well. "Come on," he said tugging Kamui away from the Tower. "Let's go somewhere else.

Kamui let Subaru lead him, simply enjoying the onmyouji's presence. He knew it was only a dream; he kept reminding himself it was only a dream. But he decided to take what he could have. Eventually, Subaru stopped. In front of the Sakura.

The hail of feathers was now intermingled with sakura blooms. Really Subaru thought, this blizzard of falling stuff was getting annoying. At the base of the majestic tree, a large cloth was spread. On it a hamper sat invitingly waiting to be opened.

"Oooh a picnic. I didn't know you ever ate, Subaru," Kamui commented.

Actually it was true. Subaru reflected that he almost never ate. But somehow he still found enough strength to take flying jumps around the tops of Tokyo's crumbling buildings. He marveled at the advantage of being a Dragon, whether of Heaven or Earth. It was about the only good thing the job had to offer.

Despite the admitted truth of Kamui's statement, Subaru gave the younger boy a slightly dirty look before indicating a spot on the blanket. Taking a seat himself, he peered more closely at the entire setup. It resembled nothing else more than one of Hokuto-chan's designs. The large cloth was teal and piped along the edges in gold that swirled in dizzying designs. The hamper was tied with a matching bow. How... cute.

All in all, Subaru was getting a very weird feeling of deja vu.

Subaru settled himself down on the blanket and patted a spot beside him for Kamui. He supposed it would do no harm to check out what was inside. Taking off the lid, he cautiously peered inside to see a large cake. He lifted it out and set it down. A steaming teapot, cups and saucers soon joined the confection on the cover.

"Would you like to cut the cake?" Subaru asked politely.

Kamui blinked at how surreal all this was. This was turning out to be a particularly wild dream. The "knife" that Subaru indicated was set to the side of the hamper. It was his shinken. "I... I can't cut a cake with that!" he exclaimed.

Subaru blinked at the very large sword. Then he looked over at Kamui and shrugged. "I'm really a little old to eat with my fingers, so if you want any cake, I'm afraid that's your only choice."

Kamui scowled faintly at the older man before picking up the shinken. It wavered slightly in his grip. Subaru ducked.

"Sorry," Kamui said sheepishly before proceeding to cut the mocha strawberry cake into neat slices with the holy sword. Not bad. Kamui supposed it was about time he got around to practicing how to use the thing.

That done, Subaru helped himself to a piece. It wasn't bad, not as sweet as Subaru had expected. He sat there drinking his tea in small sips, examining Kamui's haggard features. "You really ought to be taking care of yourself better," Subaru remarked.

Kamui paused with a mouthful of cake in mid-chew. He turned wide violet eyes at Subaru. Did the man actually care? He swallowed noisily and took a gulp of the tea.

Subaru, uncomfortable at the intense way Kamui was looking at him, directed his attention to the hamper again. There was a small plate inside. He lifted it out and examined the contents. Pentacle-shaped cookies. He sniffed at it. Toffee flavored. Go figure.

Taking a cookie, he stuffed it into Kamui's astonished mouth. "Eat," he said.

Kamui valiantly tried to chew the cookie, but the points were fighting against him. Finally, he removed it and took small bites, narrowing his eyes at the older man, calmly sipping his green tea. "Oh, like you're one to talk."

Subaru nodded sheepishly. Kamui had a point. He examined one of his cookies, it was a little burnt, so the dark background showed. An inverted pentacle. Was that supposed to be his sign now? Or did he get to keep his original one as well? Subaru wasn't sure.

Savagely, he bit into it. He was rather upset to be confused over his situation. Sometimes he thought his life was one big cosmic joke.

Subaru started when Kamui flopped onto his back beside him. He was staring up into the sakura flowers as if they held the secrets of the universe. Subaru knew for a fact that they didn't.

"What are you thinking about Kamui?" he asked as he too lay down to contemplate the one remaining constant in his life.

"Oh, I don't know," the boy returned. "Something along the lines of 'why me?' I guess."

Since that was a question that Subaru often asked himself, he wasn't sure how he was going to reply to it. But something in his heart forced him to try for Kamui. "I don't think there are ever any answers," he said sadly. "I know the weight of destiny is heavy. Just try not to end up like me."

Kamui swiveled his head around to stare at Subaru. "I'm afraid of dying," he said in a small voice.

Subaru tried to suppress the bitter tears that sprung to his eyes at that. Once, he'd been afraid of dying too. Then he had wanted above all else to die. Now, he thought, now he was afraid to live.

"Death comes to all of us Kamui; some of us are just cursed to die sooner than others." He paused and looked straight into Kamui's pain-glazed violet eyes. "The trick, I think, is to not let your death mean nothing."

Kamui's lips quivered. "It's hard. And you're not here anymore."

Subaru flinched back at Kamui's gaze. He would not allow anyone else to care for him. Everyone who did, died. Hokuto had died willingly for him, Seishirou had died immediately after confessing to have feelings for him. Now here was Kamui, whose doom loomed over him like a horrible shadowy cloud. How much more loss could his heart take?

He shook his head angrily. "I can't be around you. I'm no good for you. You're better off relying on the others. I can't even create a kekkai anymore."

Kamui gave him a calm, but infinitely sad look. "I've never been able to create a kekkai. And the others...well, they all have they're own problems. They certainly can't take on my own.

Subaru merely hmmed in reply. Kamui took it as an invitation to continue. "We're splintering apart, Subaru. And you were the only person who ever understood."

Subaru's shoulders drooped perceptibly. The problem was that he did understand Kamui, but he didn't think Kamui understood him anymore. He was no longer the same Subaru who had entered within Kamui and showed him his deepest secret. Now his wish was something that only Fuuma knew. Subaru mused at how quickly things changed within just the space of a few months.

"I really don't know what comfort I can give you now. I cannot come back to you." Subaru said helplessly. How was he supposed to help Kamui when he couldn't even help himself anymore.

"It's alright, I understand. I wish it could be otherwise but I understand. You told me that I should follow my wish, and that in following it, there would be people made unhappy by it. How can I expect you not to do the same for yourself?" Kamui said, lifting a slim hand to stroke a sakura petal from Subaru's hair.

Subaru allowed tender gesture, a little guilty at abandoning Kamui but not guilty enough to forsake his decision to live on for Seishirou. The Sakura had too tight a hold on him. If only he had met Kamui first, things could have been different. But it was no use thinking about if onlys.

There was a long moment of uncomfortable silence as both males took stock of what they had been, and what they had become. Then Subaru spoke again. "The problem with being either an Angel or a Seal, Kamui, is that you are essentially alone, or at least apart, from the rest of the world." He let his green and gold gaze slide towards the other boy's face. "And it's doubly so for a Kamui. Even surrounded by so many others, you are always alone. Because no one can fully understand what you have to sacrifice."

"Even I can't understand that, Kamui."

Kamui stared back at Subaru, stunned that someone else had been able to articulate so precisely what he felt.

With a sudden lurch forward, Kamui flung his arms around the onmyouji. Subaru was taken aback by his sudden display. Kamui had never been that forward when Subaru had lived together with him. He couldn't bring himself to hug back but listened to Kamui softly whispering "thank you for understanding" in his ear.

After what seemed like an eternity to Subaru, he gently began trying to extricate himself from Kamui. It would not do for the boy to get too attached to him, as if he wasn't enough already. "You give me too much credit. I won't be able to stop disappointing you."

Kamui traced a finger down Subaru's pale face, and smiled sadly. "No one can ever stop themselves from disappointing others, Subaru. If there's one thing I've learned from my life, it's that." At the other man's furrowed brow, he continued, "You need to follow your own advice, Subaru, and follow your Wish. But you also need to remember that doing so doesn't necessarily mean giving up everything for it."

"But, sometimes, Kamui, it means precisely that." Subaru replied bluntly.

Kamui's face became almost imperceptibly sadder as he looked away to stare off into the far distance. "Yes," he agreed, "sometimes it does."

Subaru sat up and leaned back onto the Sakura tree. Its branches seemed to be reaching down towards him in an enfolding embrace. The Sakura had him now and would never let him go. This he accepted. He now had to get Kamui to understand it as well.

He turned to Kamui and said, "You need to think deeply about what it is you really want. I can see you still do not know."

Kamui's purple eyes flashed with anger. If there was one thing he was heartily sick of, it was people asking him what he really wanted, what he was really fighting for. The reason mainly, a small, smug voice in his head asserted, was because he didn't have a clue. Kamui really hated that voice. It was annoying, and unfortunately right most of the time. And it didn't do much for his ego, either.

He sighed heavily as he raised his gaze once more to contemplate the sakura blossoms. They were like their former master had been, he decided. They were able to be deceptively gentle when they wanted to be. And, he thought as his eyes shifted to where Subaru was leaning against the tree, possessive of what they claimed as theirs.

"Are you going to answer me, Kamui, or stare at the tree?" Subaru's voice had become slightly rough, and certainly more dry. Kamui stared at him, taking in for the first time the changes that had occurred in his friend. The replacement of the white coat for black, the determined expression... and the eye.

"You took his place, didn't you?" He whispered in sudden revelation.

Subaru refrained from rolling his eyes. So Kamui had finally figured it out. Took him long enough. He knew the boy wasn't the brightest candle in the bunch. Look at the way he had to come to Subaru, of all people, the one who had never graduated, to help tutor homework!

"Yes, this is something I have to do. Can you accept it?"

Kamui gave him a level look, and didn't say anything. Just stared. Eventually, it was enough to make even Subaru uncomfortable.

"Well?" he pressed.

"Are you an idiot?" Kamui shouted at Subaru. Now that wasn't on the list of reactions the new Sakurazukamori was expecting. He blinked.

Kamui rubbed his head. "Look. Sakurazuka-San's death...happened. You seemingly disappeared off the face of the planet, apparently joining the Dragons of Earth. But you haven't fought a single battle, and I'm sure there were times when it would have been appreciated. I doubt that you've had any contact with them that wasn't forced." He paused and stared at his friend. "What exactly am I supposed to accept?"

Subaru blinked again, then pointed up at the tree. "Um...big malevolent tree, has to be fed people? Hello? And stop avoiding the original point, here."

Kamui sputtered. "What do I want? Well, to start with, I'd like to be around people who will let me be myself instead of who they expect 'Kamui' to be...and I'd like to be allowed the time to figure out what the hell I want." He sank back to the ground and muttered to himself. "Maybe I should just ask Fuuma. I'm sure he'd get a kick out of that."

Subaru shuddered. Asking Fuuma would be a very bad idea. For Kamui it would probably involve tears and copious amounts of blood. He turned a hard glare at Kamui. "When have I never let you _not_ be yourself? But if that's what you want, then don't wait around for other people, do something about it. I want you to live the way you want."

Kamui blinked. He took a moment to consider the truth in Subaru's words, and that last telling sentence. The revelation hit him. Subaru did care, even now, even after turning away from him. Now, if Kamui cared for him back, he had to allow Subaru to be free. The onmyouji had been fettered by expectations and duty all his life, Kamui would not add to the bonds on him.

Kamui lowered his eyes, hiding the tears that suddenly threatened to fall. "I-I'm sorry, Subaru." He backed away from the onmyouji, as if even being near him would cause Subaru to be restrained further.

Subaru smiled sadly. Kamui had finally understood, but at what cost? "What do you really want, Kamui?" He asked again, this time more gently.

"I want what I've always wanted--the impossible to become reality. I want Fuuma back, and I want you to be happy."

"Even if neither of us can remain by your side?"

Kamui gave a hesitant affirmative. "Y..yes."

"Then," Subaru said softly, "You have to believe those things are possible. Even if no one else does."

Kamui nodded. He would try. It would be hard but he would have to try to remember this in his darkest travail to come. He reached out a hand. "Goodbye Subaru."

Subaru held out his hand in return. His mismatched eyes held a deep sadness. He knew he was not going to see Kamui in reality if he could help it. There was too much danger of the teenager slipping back to old habits of relying on him. "Goodbye Kamui. Do what you have to do."

The boy smiled, a wonderful shy sweet smile that he gifted for Subaru alone. Then he turned and walked away into the mists that were suddenly flooding the dreamscape. Subaru stared after him, he was not going to leave just yet.

Subaru waited until Kamui had completely faded away from the dreamscape before he spoke. "Oh, Kakyou-san?"

The yumemi appeared before him instantly, his gold eyes meeting Subaru's mismatched ones directly. He didn't like the hard expression the onmyouji had in his. He inquired politely, "Yes, Subaru-san?"

"What did you think you were doing?"

"Um...taking a page from Hokuto's book and interfering?" he guessed.

"Don't do it again."

Kakyou snorted. "Or you'll do what? Feed me to the Tree?"

"No," Subaru said quietly. "I won't feed you to the Tree. And I'll do everything in my power to make sure Fuuma doesn't kill you either. Don't underestimate me."

Kakyou scowled. "It was your sister's idea."

"Somehow I'm not surprised. This has the aura of one of Hokuto's crackpot schemes. And I didn't think the idea for brilliant teal was quite yours," Subaru said as he waved at the cloth of the picnic spread. "And of course, those cookies were inspired."

Kakyou smiled faintly. Somewhere along the way, Hokuto's Otouto had picked up a sense of humor. "No," Kakyou said, smiling faintly. "But it certainly suits her, doesn't it?"

It did, Subaru agreed silently. Anything brilliant and bold had always suited Hokuto-chan. He really missed her.

"You'll see her again soon."

"I know. I think I should know that better than anyone." The dreamseer brushed back his blond hair. "And don't worry, I won't put you in that situation again. You were the only one that I could think of who could get Kamui's head screwed on straight. I've given up trying to talk sense into him."

"That's sad," commented Subaru.

"I know. But I never claimed _your_ head was screwed on correctly did I?"

Kakyou's faint laughter was the last thing Subaru heard as the dream faded to black.

~~~~~~~~

Notes: Well Xandra says she was glad to exercise her dry humor muse that Mizu so wonderfully brought out. The jump to angst was entirely her fault. She cannot write a Subaru/Kamui story without it! But Mizu rallied amazingly and sank into the angst like a fish in water, proving she can write angst. Now some people may find it difficult to deal with a dryly humorous Subaru, but please notice that he does not SAY anything sarcastic in this story, he just thinks them. And nobody knows what Subaru is thinking when he's in these sorts of situations so there, it's our artistic license.

And Mizu would like to say that she is vastly relieved that she actually has an angst muse. As she writes CLAMP fanfiction, and was previously unable to angst at all. And that kind of limits the opportunities out there. After all, how is one to write X fics without any angst? She's also glad she was able to pull Xandra's dry humour muse out of hiding.

And remember, as the all-powerful authors, it's our perogative to make Kakyou and Subaru less depressed.