A/N: This fic would not be possible without the phantasmagoric music of The Smashing Pumpkins and their album "Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness". Especially the song "By Starlight".

******

Once There Was The Sun

**Love is Suicide**

Her face was pressed against the cold window, leaving a wet imprint in the condensation that covered the glass as Mimi quietly sobbed to herself. Tears rolled down her face as she remembered the unfamiliar wheels of Roger's car roll away from New York, her and their life together. Mimi's whole body shook and she felt like she had no tears to cry; for once more in her life. She carefully took her face off the icy window and wiped her wet face with cold, shaking hands. Crossing across over her apartment she carefully thumped onto her bed; the bed she had not slept in very much recently. Curling up into the fetal postion on her bed pathetically, Mimi started to think back months ago, when things were different.

******

It was a freezing mid-February evening and the whole Bohemian family had been out celebrating...well, celebrating being alive; regardless of for long. The Life Café had told them that they had to get out so they close up, and the Bohemians had drunkenly complied. Maureen had both of her arms around a tipsy Joanne's neck, Maureen laughing manically.

"Oh, don' worry, don' worry darlin' we're gone, we're gone!" She had smiled down at the shy manager, grabbing Joanne's hand and leading her out of the door first.

"C'mon bitches." Collins drunkenly sung, disco pointing into the air, arm around Angel's shoulder. All Bohemians were piling onto the dark street. Some wandering up and, some standing with their lover or camera.

Mark seemed to be the only one close to being sober. He had had hardly nothing to drink since they had came. He got the best footage when the rest of his family were drunk. He pointed his camera at Mimi, yawning sleepily, her head on Roger's shoulder, his arms around her waist. Mimi turned her head around in Mark's direction. She stifled a yawn and disentangled herself from Roger.

"What you want, whore? Gimme that damn camera." She slurred. Mark gasped; no one stole his camera. Mimi knew where this was going, and giggled.

"No, Meems! Don't - gimme it back!" Mark whined.

Mimi held the camera above her head like a kindergarten bully. Mark reached for it helplessly.

"Come on then!" She gestured him wildly, grinning from ear to ear. Roger broke into hysterical laughter as he watched his best friend chase his girlfriend down the New York sidewalk, the camera tucked under Mimi's arm and Mark's scarf flying out behind him. Mimi's shrieking laughter bounced off the walls and alleys while Mark yelled at her.

They weren't very far away from Roger. About 10 feet or so. Roger sighed and leant against the wall of the Life Café, crossing his arms. Nearly everyone else was laughing in the same way as Mimi: loud and confident. Angel was drunkenly trying to walk along a nearby wall like it was a tightrope, Collins guiding her by holding her hand, even though the wall was not very tall. Maureen and Joanne were nowhere to be seen and Roger mentally noted that he probably didn't want to know. He watched Mimi dodging in out of Mark's reach her grin getting wider and wider as her breath ran out. Mark looked close to tears. Roger watched Mimi run cockily past Mark, relentless; only to see her trip over her own high heel and land flat on her behind, legs sprawled everywhere, camera skittering across frosty ground.

"Ow-ow!" Mimi sniffed to herself, hands on her head. Mark hurried over to attend to his beloved camera, while Mimi swayed in her sitting position. Roger felt a small thrill of panic, feeling that Mimi could have broken something important. He broke into a speedy jog, arriving behind her quickly. It did appear that Mimi would have any serious injuries; just a very painful hangover the next morning. Roger sighed a dramatic sigh, hooking his arms under Mimi's armpits, hoisting her to her feet but still supporting his girlfriend.

"What are we gonna do with you?" He sighed into her hair. Mimi turned around to face him, their arms going back to the way the had been before the 'camera incident' with Mark.

She didn't meet his gaze.

"I can probably...think of something.." Mimi trailed off, meeting his eyes after a while. Rogger nodded in a mock-serious way.

"Hmmm...can you really?"

Mimi shrugged again.

"Probably." She beamed, resting her head on his shoulder. Mimi's eyes started to droop and she could've sworn she was going to fall asleep right here. In Roger's arms, on a public street in front of her best friends. Roger started laughing quietly at nothing in particular. He was humming an upbeat song in Mimi's ear, but she was too busy drifting into sleep to notice.

"Dum-de-dum it's only rock 'n roll but I like itttt," after a few peaceful moments he gently shook Mimi. "I think we should go home, baby."

She looked up groggily and looked around at everyone else. Roger was smiling down at her, Angel was (gesturing heavily with her hands) recounting a action-packed story to Collins and Mark, Collins swaying, sunglasses over eyes. Maureen and Joanne were slow dancing to some imaginary music, barely even moving; just shifting from foot to foot in each other's embrace. Mimi blinked hard.

"Yes. Home would be nice." She smiled up at him.

******

Mimi sobbed quietly, recalling the memory like an out-of-body experience, watching it on TV. Angel had gone away, Roger had left her, Collins' future was dark in his eyes and Mark knew he was alone again. Pulling at her long brown hair, Mimi screwed her eyes shut. She began to pray. It was what her mama had told her to do when no one else could ever possibly understand. She clutched her hands to her face.

"Dios te salve, María, llena eres de gracia,

el Señor es contigo!

Bendita tú eres entre todas las mujeres,

y bendito es el fruto de tu vientre, Jesús.

Santa María, Madre de Dios,

ruega por nosotros, pecadores,

ahora y en la hora de nuestra muerte.
Please, please help me.

Amen."

She made the Sign of the Cross and waited, like waiting for God to crack His fingers and Roger would appear. Nothing happened and Mimi growled angrily, as if she had expected it to work. She grabbed the alarm clock on the bedside table and launched it as hard as she could into the wall. Mimi stared at the small table and sighed, opening the drawer and taking out a small music box that, when opened, a perfect princess clad in a beautiful ball-gown twirled to a sweet tune as if showing Mimi the proper way to behave. Scowling at her slightly, Mimi retrieved a little casette tape that her family had given her before she left home; like a forget-me-not from the present day.

Mimi listened to it with a blank face. She was so numb that all her family's messages of love rolled off her like a small trickle of water. 'Mama Marquez' was talking to her, telling her not to mess things up, not to be scared and listen to the song she knew Mimi loved. Even if she was too old for it. It started to play and Mimi had to turn her head away.

"Once there was the sun.
Bright and warm and wonderful,
shining like the love within my heart."

Mimi turned her head back to her music box. Probably the only thing, along with the tape, she had brought with her to New York. Except the clothes on her back. Then Mimi spotted it, staring at her. A small bag almost filled with small white crystals. She reached for it tentatively.

Walking through that haze that she felt, that euphoria, the dream and all the mesh of colours she never even knew existed; Mimi felt like she was back in those days. Flying through the sky. She felt like she was with Roger again, and he was looking after he once more.

"Now there's no more sun.
Winter has killed everything.
And although it's dark December...forever.
I'll remember sun."

Fin