Title: Forever is What You Make it.
AN: This is AU sometime after the end of seasons 5/2. There is no Conner.
I've tried so hard to forget.
To forget about everything, because the road to my past only brings pain.
Sometimes it really scares me how much things can change. I can't even remember the person I was at 16. I'm not that girl anymore and I can never go back to being her. I can't believe how utterly stupid I was. I thought that everything would stay that way.
If I could only have seen into the future I probably would have killed myself and saved myself from becoming so pathetic.
I'm patrolling, something that has pretty much taken over my life in the last year. In some kind of messed up way it's an escape for me.
It's funny that when I was 16 this is what I wanted so desperately to escape from. I remember so many lectures I received from Giles about trying to skip patrol and how I couldn't escape from my destiny. But I've learned that normal life and Buffy are just two things that don't mix well. Spike once told me that I would never be a part of the world and my place is in the shadows, and in a way he was right.
So many people have left and friendships have ended. So much has happened that would have been unfathomable to my sixteen year old mind. Giles has moved back to England and besides the occasional letter I rarely hear from him.
Willow. No matter what happened between me and everyone else I always thought that it would be Willow who I always stayed close to, but like everything else in my life I was wrong about that too. She moved to New York with Oz when they got back together 5 years ago. Sometimes she calls me, but we can't tell each other everything like we used to be able to, and I know that's my fault. I lost that privilege when I shut them all out of my life.
Xander, I don't even know where he is right now. A short time after Will and Giles had left he disappeared too. We hadn't really been talking at all then, and he never even told me he was leaving. If he had I probably wouldn't have cared much anyway.
I was too caught up in my "love" with Spike. Now it hurts me to even think of the words love and Spike in the same sentence. I really thought that I was in love with him, but I guess if I really think back now I can see that all along I knew it wasn't real. It was more of an obsession on my part.
It had been so long since I had felt that way and I was sick and tired of being alone. Angel once told me that loneliness is the scariest thing, but I never could completely understand that until he left me.
Angel was the person who drove me into Spike's arms in the first place, but in an ironic way he was also the one who made me realize how much I was fooling myself. Of course, he did these things indirectly considering I haven't seen him since that night when we met after I came back. I still can't make myself remember that night, but I think I'm starting to come to terms with the fact that I had to go through what I did in the last five years in order to understand who I am now.
You're probably wondering right now where this is all leading to, well, I'm about to do one of the scariest things I've ever had to do. No, I'm not stopping an apocalypse, or saving the world from some power hungry vamp. I'm doing something much more frightening than any demon possibly could be.
I'm going to try and get Angel back.
That's not all of it either, he's engaged to Cordelia. Yeah, I know, who would have ever thought that Cordelia and Angel would have anything in common.
I want so badly to hate him for ever even thinking of spending the rest of his life with her, it was supposed to be us. How can he not remember all of the times he promised me forever, but then it's not really fair to blame him anymore. I was the one who gave up hope on our relationship first. Sure, he left me on Graduation, but I think we both carried a small amount of hope in our hearts that some day we would find our way back to each other, and I'm the one who completely destroyed that for the both of us. It's my fault that we're not together and I plan on fixing that.
~~~~~~~~~~~
AN: This is AU sometime after the end of seasons 5/2. There is no Conner.
I've tried so hard to forget.
To forget about everything, because the road to my past only brings pain.
Sometimes it really scares me how much things can change. I can't even remember the person I was at 16. I'm not that girl anymore and I can never go back to being her. I can't believe how utterly stupid I was. I thought that everything would stay that way.
If I could only have seen into the future I probably would have killed myself and saved myself from becoming so pathetic.
I'm patrolling, something that has pretty much taken over my life in the last year. In some kind of messed up way it's an escape for me.
It's funny that when I was 16 this is what I wanted so desperately to escape from. I remember so many lectures I received from Giles about trying to skip patrol and how I couldn't escape from my destiny. But I've learned that normal life and Buffy are just two things that don't mix well. Spike once told me that I would never be a part of the world and my place is in the shadows, and in a way he was right.
So many people have left and friendships have ended. So much has happened that would have been unfathomable to my sixteen year old mind. Giles has moved back to England and besides the occasional letter I rarely hear from him.
Willow. No matter what happened between me and everyone else I always thought that it would be Willow who I always stayed close to, but like everything else in my life I was wrong about that too. She moved to New York with Oz when they got back together 5 years ago. Sometimes she calls me, but we can't tell each other everything like we used to be able to, and I know that's my fault. I lost that privilege when I shut them all out of my life.
Xander, I don't even know where he is right now. A short time after Will and Giles had left he disappeared too. We hadn't really been talking at all then, and he never even told me he was leaving. If he had I probably wouldn't have cared much anyway.
I was too caught up in my "love" with Spike. Now it hurts me to even think of the words love and Spike in the same sentence. I really thought that I was in love with him, but I guess if I really think back now I can see that all along I knew it wasn't real. It was more of an obsession on my part.
It had been so long since I had felt that way and I was sick and tired of being alone. Angel once told me that loneliness is the scariest thing, but I never could completely understand that until he left me.
Angel was the person who drove me into Spike's arms in the first place, but in an ironic way he was also the one who made me realize how much I was fooling myself. Of course, he did these things indirectly considering I haven't seen him since that night when we met after I came back. I still can't make myself remember that night, but I think I'm starting to come to terms with the fact that I had to go through what I did in the last five years in order to understand who I am now.
You're probably wondering right now where this is all leading to, well, I'm about to do one of the scariest things I've ever had to do. No, I'm not stopping an apocalypse, or saving the world from some power hungry vamp. I'm doing something much more frightening than any demon possibly could be.
I'm going to try and get Angel back.
That's not all of it either, he's engaged to Cordelia. Yeah, I know, who would have ever thought that Cordelia and Angel would have anything in common.
I want so badly to hate him for ever even thinking of spending the rest of his life with her, it was supposed to be us. How can he not remember all of the times he promised me forever, but then it's not really fair to blame him anymore. I was the one who gave up hope on our relationship first. Sure, he left me on Graduation, but I think we both carried a small amount of hope in our hearts that some day we would find our way back to each other, and I'm the one who completely destroyed that for the both of us. It's my fault that we're not together and I plan on fixing that.
~~~~~~~~~~~