ONE PIECE
TITLE: USOPP: STUCK BETWEEN DREAMS AND REALITY ?!
AUTHOR: mrredrum
PAIRING: ZoroxSanji, with the main star by Usopp and the guest star by Luffy
WARNING: NC-17
NOTES: This what suddenly comes up in my mind about the scene after Perona's ghost attacked some of the Mugiwara's pirate crew, and only Usopp the one whose can survive it. Warning: it's contained spoilers about a scene that happened during the Thriller Bark arc. Dedicated to all of my new nakama, popkin16, annaq, nonoji, sarunna. Nice to know you all... And of course for my wonderful beta-er, kakairupowns. Thanks a lots for the beta!. Thank you.
At first, no one from the crew could predict what would happen if the ghosts of Perona's, from Thriller Bark, traveled through their bodies. Nor could they predict what would come out of their mouths when this happened.
The sharpshooter was the only one who was insusceptible to the ghosts' effect, but he had different problems. Never in his life had he predicted that he would someday be the one to keep his nakama's secrets.
It looked like that was going to happen now, though.
He could see his captain, bend over and staring at the ground, using his hands to support his body as a dark aura was emitted in the air around him, as he grumbled something along the lines of "nakama" and "meat".
Being curious, Usopp walked over to his captain, trying to hear more clearly what the boy said, only to hear something horrible.
"… This sucks…I… I wanna die… if I get reborn, I wanna become a clam… so I will have the smallest desire to eat my own nakama… No, I shouldn't live again… last night I was prepared to slaughter Chopper and keep his body for a while until no one would recognize him, so I could tell Sanji that I caught some boar in the woods on the last island and he ask him to cook it into a decent meal for me… I'm a monster. I don't have a right to live…"
Aside from the fact that Luffy was actually okay eating something that must already be rotten, Usopp was actually more surprised that his captain had had those thoughts for real. Yeah, sure, they always joked with the little reindeer that he joined the crew as their emergency food supply. But doing it for real… NO WAY! Because they're all nakama, right? Nakama didn't eat each other, right? … Right?!
Suddenly, a voice to his left stopped his wandering thoughts. A little afraid of what he might hear next, Usopp shifted his vision to the person next to him.
The cook of the Thousand Sunny was standing in a similar pose to their captain, and he was mumbling something about "Nami-san". Guessing that Sanji must be saying something about his eternal devotion to their navigator like usual, Usopp was shocked when he got near enough to catch the words more clearly. He almost couldn't hold in his laughter, actually.
"… I'm such an idiot for always overcurling my eyebrows every morning… Nami-san, I… I can't live because I betrayed you by borrowing your hair curler without your permission to curling my eyebrows… Nami-san, I don't deserve to live because I also borrowed your underwear and bra to wear… I want to DIIIIEEEEEE!!" and before Usopp could intervene, the blonde had already pulled out a kitchen knife to stab himself, and the sharpshooter jumped in to save the blonde from his own actions.
"AH!! Sanji!!… Sanji, please don't do anything you'll regret later, okay?! Here, let me keep the knife…" Usopp successfully snatched the knife away from the cook's hands as a precaution.
"I ALREADY regret what I've done, long-nose! I'm a shitty-bastard who's not man enough to protect my precious lady! That's why I don't deserve to live, asshole! GIVE ME BACK MY KNIFE, YOU BASTARD!! I'm going to fillet myself…" Sanji was grabbing at Usopp's collar, attempting to get the knife.
"Okay, okay! You can fillet yourself later…" the sharpshooter tried to drag the cook over to the trees so that the man could rest and calm down, to return to normal.
"…but for now, you can just sit here and relax. Here, here's your cigarette. Have a smoke while you're at it, Sanji-kun." He chuckled nervously as he helped the cook light up a new cigarette. He had to do it fast, because out of the corner of his eye he could see someone else who also wanted to kill himself.
…Oh no, not again… he thought when he saw Zoro pulling one of his swords from its sheath. Sitting with his legs crossed, he was preparing himself for seppuku.
Quickly running over to the swordsman, almost tripping on his own feet along the way, he caught what the man was muttering about more clearly.
"… I'm sorry that I was ever born into this world… I should never have been born… sensei, I'm sorry that I can't be the greatest swordsman in the world, like I promised to Kuina… sensei, I'm sorry that I can't protect myself and my body from my own prurient… I tried to ignore it by taking naps and drinking lots of alcohol, but somehow I can't run away from my own imagination about that baka-cook's body… So sensei, I've decided that I'm not capable of being a good samurai… Thank you for all that you taught me, sensei… I'll send your regards to your daughter as soon as I'm gone from this world…" he positioned the tip of his sword at his belly.
Meanwhile, realizing that he might not be able to save Zoro from his own actions, not to mention that he wouldn't be able to hold his own against that man's power, Usopp prepared his giant slingshot weapon and aimed it directly at the swordsman's hand.
"… TABASCO FIRE BOSHI!!" Captain Usopp-sama was the greatest sharpshooter ever and could, of course, suavely hit Zoro's hand, causing Zoro to drop his sword.
Another similar shot, this time with sleeping gas, knocked Zoro unconscious.
Sighing in relief, he checked once more to make sure that his nakama didn't receive any bodily harm from his ammo, because Usopp had a feeling that the swordsman wouldn't like it if he woke up later and found out that Usopp shot him.
Twice.
Not to mention that the sharpshooter now knew about his secret admiration of their blonde cook. The man would surely slaughter Usopp for knowing it, or else he would just try to commit suicide again.
Speaking of slaughtering things, Usopp shifted his attention to his captain, who he'd forgotten about during his trouble with the cook and the swordsman.
Only to realize that the boy wasn't where he'd left him. Neither was the shipbuilder, as he realized he hadn't seen Franky either. Was the cyborg also affected by the ghost? Can a cyborg get affected by the ghosts?
"…Luffy? Franky?… Where are you guys?" he shouted. Apparently not loudly enough though, because he somehow got a weird feeling that someone was watching him. Why did this place suddenly become so quiet, anyway? And what's up with all this fog?
Suddenly, he missed his Sogeking mask.
With his slightly trembling legs, the sharpshooter tried to bravely search for his nakama.
I am Captain Usopp-sama, the bravest warrior of the sea! I'm not afraid of ghosts! Ghosts don't affect me! He tried to convince himself once more, before stepping inside the suddenly silent and misty woods in front of him.
"…Usopp? Are you looking for me?" A hand suddenly landed on his shoulder.
Sighing after recognizing his captain's voice, he turned around to face the other boy.
"Oi, Luffy… Where have you been, anyway? And did you see where Franky went?" he asked Luffy, who seemed to be chewing something. Did he just steal some food from somewhere?
In front of him, Luffy's grin widened.
"Yes! I know where he went… Usopp,did you know that a cyborg's body still has lots of meat on it?" He said, before he lifted one of his hands, holding something in front of the sharpshooter's face.
It was Franky's head, parts of it still bleeding over the young captain's hand.
All that could be heard next was the sound of the poor sharpshooter of the Thousand Sunny being scared to death…
Usopp woke from his sleep with a sudden start, feeling his heart beating fast… thump-thump-thump-thump-thump. He was almost sure that the sound alone would wake all of his sleeping nakama in their beds.
Wait, beds? Ah, yes. Of course. It was only a dream… he sighed in relief, realizing that there was no way that his captain would turn into a cannibal and eat one of his crew. It was only a dream about their last adventure in Thriller Bark. There's no way that Luffy was like that. And there's no way that Zoro and Sanji was like that too.
Nothing to worry about.
Shifting his attention to Luffy, he could see that the young captain was still sleeping peacefully, with his rubber arms and legs tangled up together with the little reindeer doctor's body. Smiling a little, Usopp observed the peaceful face of the boy that the sharpshooter trusted his life with.
…I need to learn to trust Luffy more. Besides, I already betrayed him once, I can't do it again. He already brought me this far on our journey. …Thank you, Luffy-kun… he almost whispered the last words out loud.
Luffy suddenly stirred and yawned a little, tightening his cuddle around Chopper's small furry body.
"…Uhm… Chopper… fluffy… yummy…" he muttered in his sleep.
Usopp's face got really pale really fast. NO! No, no! There's no way that Luffy wants to eat Chopper! I should stop thinking like that!
Deciding that he needed a break from his odd thoughts, the sharpshooter got up from his bunk and was walking out of the boys' bunkroom, when he noticed that the swordsman and the cook weren't in their bunks.
...Maybe Zoro is still on his guard duty, and Sanji is in the kitchen preparing breakfast for tomorrow… he thought before stepping out onto the grass deck of the Sunny...
The night sky was bright by the light from the stars. How come, on a beautiful night like this, I dream of something weird like that? There must be something wrong with my head… Usopp chuckled quietly to himself.
Suddenly, he could hear mumbled voices, coming from the galley. Curious, though assuming it was simply Zoro and Sanji bickering again, he walked towards the room. He grinned the whole way, thinking about maybe getting some hot chocolate from the cook if he was able to reconcile the two of them, and make the swordsman go back on his watch duty. By leaving Sanji, the man could continue his breakfast plans for tomorrow.
Usopp glanced into the porthole as he walked near, and suddenly regretted his decision to leave the bunkroom.
Because now, he could see, clearly, the most shocking view he'd ever seen in his whole life.
There, on the long sofa along the galley wall, Zoro was standing with Sanji's legs in the air, while Sanji himself supported his hips with his hands. All the while, the swordsman was thrusting repeatedly into the cook's ass. Both of them were naked.
"…Ach, Marimo! Take it easy, will you, shithead?!" Usopp could hear the cook's words clearly.
He never guessed that, with all of their fighting and cruel words towards each other, these two could be in this kind of relationship.
He must still be dreaming.
"…Hn… I always take it easy with your body, princess. I adore your body… I like to imagine doing things to your body…" he could hear Zoro answer, breathing hard, coincidentally using words similar to those in Usopp's recent dream.
Yep, he must definitely still be dreaming.
Usopp was preparing to punch himself in the face, to help wake himself up, when he heard the swish of a kick being executed.
"THAT'S for calling me a princess, asshole!" he could see the cook, still naked, standing up off of the sofa and swinging another hard kick at the swordsman, successfully throwing Zoro's body across the room.
"Shit, ero-cook! Just wait 'till I've got my swords back, and then I'll kill you!" Zoro, also naked, stood up from the floor, his hands clutching after his three swords that were lying on top of the table above his head.
Well. Apparently it wasn't a dream after all, not when they were attempting to kill each other like always. It was too real to be a dream.
"Hn. Go ahead and try it, shitty-swordsman! I don't think a swordsman who is so dependant on his swords is even worthy of anything…" the cook lit up a new cigarette, though it baffled Usopp as for where he could have kept it, because there was no place to hide it when he was naked.
"…Oh yeah? Is that what you think, cook? How about let's see what I can do without my swords then…" Zoro closed his eyes, quickly replacing his sheaths on the dining room table.
With his eyes still shut, in a sudden suave move he walked towards Sanji, bringing himself face to face with the cook. Placing one hand behind the blonde's swan-like neck, and plucking the cigarette from Sanji's mouth with the other, he bent down and quickly replaced the lost smoke with his own lips.
Sanji, startled by Zoro's move, just took the kiss.
Not long after, he also closed his eyes, giving himself over to the swordsman and already enjoying the kiss…
Meanwhile, outside the galley, Usopp was startled in a different way.
…They… they… they're kissing after almost killing each other!
Usopp's legs officially gave out and he sank down to the floor along the wall. Then, he passed out, because he could no longer distinguish between which was a dream, and which was reality...