To those of you who are following my other story, I do have the next update almost finished. It would have been posted already if this hadn't taken up so much of my time yesterday. I just couldn't get this out of my head and it needed to be written. And since it's been awhile since I posted a one-shot I figured it was time.
I am completely happy with this last episode. In memory of Cory and yes, Finn as well, I am not sure if they could have done a better job. I know a lot of writers are choosing to write some other versions of the episode and expanding on it, but to me everything that needed to be said, was said.
RIP Cory.
I'm not sure what I'm doing here, or for that matter how I even got here. The trip back to Lima was necessary. It held something that each of us needed to face. But what that was for me I didn't really know until I arrived. And even now I'm still not sure what the whole point of it was.
But the entire flight back to New York I couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong. And it wasn't that the guy seated next to me spent the whole first half of the flight trying to get my number and staring at my chest. I'd eventually had to blatantly tell him that if he didn't have a 'V' I wasn't ever going to be interested. That at least shut him up, but he stared even more afterwards. Guys could be such pigs. No, this feeling had to do with me. Something is wrong with me, and the worst part is I can't fix it because I don't know what it is.
The closer I got to New York the more agitated I became. So much so that when the cab pulled up to our loft I ran. Well not literally, but as I stared at the doors of the building I called home now, I couldn't enter. Rachel and Kurt had looked concerned; I knew they were confused and had noticed my odd behaviour. They wanted to know what was bothering me. Hell, I want to know what it is too.
I'd made some excuse about needing a real coffee, that the Lima brand or water wasn't right, which was an obvious lie. I love Lima Bean coffee! It's one of the only things Lima did right. They both seemed to buy it, we were getting used to each others diva-ish tendencies so I turned and walked away to find that elusive perfect caffeinated beverage.
I really don't remember the trip that brought me here. It could have been minutes or hours, I seriously can't remember. Should that bother me more than it does? I'm just staring at the white door. I keep lifting my arm to knock but it drops to my side, useless each time.
I came here. That must mean I needed to be here. I needed what was on the other side.
Finally! My arm decided it was of use to me after all. It's taking forever for someone to answer. I'm in the process of deciding if my arm can be trusted once more with the task of knocking, louder this time as I'm not sure anyone heard it, when the white wall in front of me disappears.
I'm greeted by a head of long blonde hair and a toothy smile. My eyes automatically shift to hers, the brown sparkles and my stomach churns. It's not until I see her smile falter that I realize I'm beginning to cry. I reach up and quickly dab the few tears that managed to fall, wiping all traces of them away.
"Santana, are you okay?" Her voice is soft, careful, like she's not quite sure what to do or say. "Come in." her eyes look past me and down either side walk before ushering me inside.
She leads me to her couch and I sit. There is an awkward moment of her standing in front of me wringing her hands before she mumbles something I can't quite catch and turns to the kitchen. I hear dishes clinking and a cupboard door closes. I take a few breaths and wipe my damn watery eyes once more. What is up with me? I shouldn't be this emotional.
When the noises in the kitchen stop but she still doesn't return I make my way to the doorway leading to the other room. She's standing at the counter, her back to me.
"Dani?"
She jumps slightly at my voice and I feel kind of bad. I didn't mean to startle her. Actually this whole thing may have been a mistake; we've only been dating for about a month. The last thing I should be doing is laying out all my problems for her to see, especially since I don't even know or understand what this problem is. This can't be good for the relationship.
"Hey," she turns towards me and offers up a cup in her hands. At least I don't have to feel bad about completely lying to Kurt and Rachel. The coffee is bland and there's not quite enough sugar for my liking, but it's warm and it's a distraction. I take a long sip and smile at her in thanks.
"Are you okay?" She leans her back up against the counter and folds her arms around her stomach. I realize this is the first time I've cried in front of her. That realization doesn't bother me so much as the fact that she seems bothered by it. I didn't even cry in front of her when I heard the news of Finn's death. Maybe I hadn't had time, Rachel had been a wreck and her grief took precedence over my own at the time.
"Yeah," I compose myself as much as I can. "Lima was just a little overwhelming." I smile and take a seat at the small table against the one wall and try to look calm, like this situation isn't a big deal. It must show because she sits opposite to me and her tense stance seems to deflate and she genuinely returns my smile even if it still seems stiff.
"That's to be expected though right? It's been three weeks since you were last there for the funeral." She takes a drink of her own coffee. "It was bound to bring up some unhappy memories of him."
"No, I mean it did bring up memories of Finn-" my voice decides to crack and I check myself once more before continuing, "but they were good memories. It's what we all needed." I stare at the mug in my hands, spinning it back and forth slowly by its handle. "It gave a lot of us closure. The kind that the funeral wasn't able to give."
"That's good then." There was a pause, both of us obviously in thought; me about the feelings and memories Lima had brought out, her probably wondering why I was found on her stoop bawling. "So, why are you here? Not that I'm not happy to see you or anything. Because I am. It's just I wasn't expecting to see you until tomorrow at the very earliest. I just figured you three would want to rest and be alone for tonight. But if you want to stay here that's tota-"
I reach across the table and take her hand in mine. I smile because she is kind of cute when she's a rambling mess. I've never seen this side of her, usually she is so confident and sure of what she does and says.
"It's fine, calm down before I start thinking you've been spending way to much time with the rambling Hobbit." That gets me the first real Dani smile I've received since entering the door.
"So?" She continues to smile and I decide that I should keep this as normal for me as I possibly can. That means no more crying or emotional mess. Maybe this is what I need, to just talk it out, no feelings involved to confuse me.
"I just-" How do I explain something I don't understand? It's like trying to explain the beauty of Central Park in the fall, when the leaves are changing colour, to a blind person. There is no way to explain something only you are experiencing. "When I got back I didn't want to just go up to the loft." I start, this is going to be okay. "I didn't want to just sit up there and watch as Rachel tries to not break down. I couldn't stand the thought of sitting there with Kurt waiting for the sadness to return." I take another sip of coffee and sigh as it effectively soothes my dry throat and pushes the sob back down that was threatening to come out. "That makes me a horrible friend doesn't it?"
"No, it makes you, you Santana."
"What does that mean?" I'm more than slightly offended and I guess it shows because she squeezes my hand to let me know she meant no offense.
"It just means everyone deals with grief in different ways. You have your humour, Rachel has her tears and Kurt has this comforting others thing going on. Right now Rachel needs to get it all out and Kurt is the one most capable of dealing with that." She retracts her hand and wraps it around her own mug. "When she is all cried out you will be the one to make her smile again."
That doesn't sound so bad actually. I'm kind of surprised that she's got us all figured out in the short time she's known us. But I guess over the last month we've all been in each others company more than we have been apart, what with her and I dating and us all working together.
"Thanks." It's all I can really say at the moment, not being sure if that's the right response.
"You are very welcome." She gives me a cheeky smile. "So is that why you were on my doorstep being such a hot mess? You were worried you were being a bad friend?"
"Hot mess? How about just a plain mess." I laugh. It feels good to do that again.
"Nah, you'll always be hot, mess or not." She winks at me and her flirtatious attitude makes me smile, but it doesn't seem quite right at the moment. I feel like the discussion is coming to an end and everything is going to just get pushed to the back of my mind. I don't want to pretend that whatever I'm feeling isn't there. It reminds me too much of junior year when I spent so much of my energy hiding who I was. I don't want to be that girl anymore. I sigh, leaning back against the hard wood behind me and she raises a brow questioningly.
"I couldn't go up to the loft, but that's not all of it." I fold my hands in my lap, abandoning the bitter beverage in front of me. I no longer wanted the distraction it offered.
"And?" She's copying my position, leaning against the back of her own chair, her arms folded across her chest. She's still smiling but the relaxed state she had been in while flirting with me is slipping away.
"I don't know!" I state exasperatedly. "I just feel, off. Does that make sense?" She nods her head slowly and opens her mouth to speak, but I need to finish or I know this discussion will end without me ever voicing it. "I went to Lima to deal, to accept the passing of one of my closest friends. Yes, he was a doofus, and ate one too many jelly donuts and danced like he was in the middle of a painful seizure, but he was my doofus, our doofus." I took a breath averting my eyes from Dani's face. She remained silent. "And I did, and it helped. I know it will take time to get over him not being here, but I'm okay with it all now."
"Then why the nervous wreck?" I don't really appreciate the interruption, but I suppose maybe it seemed I was getting off topic.
"Because-" I grit my teeth together, a habit I had stopped in middle school. "Because I'm a bitch." I practically spat the word out.
"Whoa, where did that come from?" There is slight humour in her tone and I know if I look up at her I'd see her trying to hide a smile. I can't blame her. Me being a bitch and Satan has been a joke between Rachel, Kurt and I for as long as she's known us.
"I took a strip out of my old cheer coach when I was in Lima." I make sure to keep my eyes centered on the dark stain on the table in front of me instead of her. "She just made me so mad. She was taking down the memorial the students had put up for Finn and she's the Principal again and the last time she went all out to crush the Glee club. And I just lost it and I said every mean thing I'd ever held back from saying in her presence. I told her she was a horrible person and that I hated her and that Finn had probably hated her." I pause, not sure what else to say or where to go from there.
"Sounds like you did what no one else had the guts to do." I finally look at her again. She's looking to me with pride.
"What?" I sputter.
She grabs one of my hands from my lap and places it on the table along with hers and rubs circles with her thumb along my knuckles. "You stood up to her, right? I bet you there were tons of other students who thought of doing the same thing but didn't have the guts to do so."
"Bu-but I pushed her." I say desperately wanting her to understand something I wasn't even able to comprehend. She's right. I do what others can't. I am completely honest and straight up about everything that comes out of my mouth. It never bothered me before, why should it now?
She smirks at my confused state. "She'll get over it. From the stories I've heard from all of you that lady had it coming. She's just lucky it came from you and not some 350 pound jock on a bad day." She stands up and takes both of our cups to the sink. "Besides, isn't this the same coach that wanted to fire one of your team mates out of a cannon just to win another trophy?"
"Yeah." I stare at her for a long time and when she turns around she gave me a reassuring look. I wish it would work. I'm not reassured, the something is still there. Should my reaction to Sue affect me like it has? I'm not sure what about the interaction bothers me. Maybe it's just because for the first time I did speak up to her, like really gave her a piece of my mind. Maybe it's just unnerving knowing that she can do nothing to retaliate when I am miles away. But the something inside me grows with that thought, as if it is angered at the notion of it being associated with something so petty.
"That girl would probably be giving you a medal for your performance."
I tilt my head and really observed Dani, processing her words. How would Brittany react to the knowledge of what I had done to Sue? It upsets me even more to know that I don't know the answer to that question anymore.
"She's against violence." I say shaking my head, hoping that I was right.
"Oh, well not everyone can kick ass like us, right?" She smiles and holds her hand out to me. I take it automatically. "Lets go to bed. You must be exhausted from your flight and I have to work the late shift tonight."
She leads me out of the kitchen and through the living-room. We're at the beginning of the hallway to her room when my thoughts catch up to me. I am tired. We'd taken the early flight out of Lima this morning and even though it's only a little after two in the afternoon I feel like I could sleep for days. But, as exhausted as I am, my mind is on overdrive. I won't be able to sleep a wink.
"Wait." I stop and our linked hands spin her around to face me. "I'm not that tired. The-uh-coffee has me fully awake. I should really get back home. I kind of left Kurt and Rachel a little suddenly; they're probably worried. And you're right, you work tonight. I'm sorry for probably waking you up." I say before she has a chance to question me.
"It's okay, really. You can stay." She tugs on my hand trying to pull me towards her room. I resist. I try to breathe but my lungs have suddenly forgotten how to function. I have to get out of here.
"No. I really should go. You go rest. I'll text you later." I drop her hand and take a step back. I then quickly turn around and head straight for the door. Why was it I first had to run from Lima and then the Loft? And now that something was practically forcing my body out of my girlfriend's door. I'm only able to take a breath when I reach the front door.
"Are you sure you are okay?" Of course she followed me. Why wouldn't she? I'm acting super weird.
"I will be." I try to be convincing when I turn to smile at her. She studies me for only a moment before she shrugs and leans forward to kiss me goodbye.
And here I am again, staring at another white door. My arm has decided it's, again, going to be useless. I guess that's okay, nothing about this situation makes sense. I can't blame my own body for rebelling against me in confusion. In my frustrated state I fall forward, my forehead hitting the wood in front of me. I close my eyes and try to think of what brought me here. What were my reasons? But no answers come to me. There is no rational explanation.
I nearly fall on my perfect face when my support is suddenly taken away. Right, doors have the habit of not always being supportive. I catch myself at the last minute, my mind and body being slow to react in their exhaustive states. I look up to find someone standing before me. Well someone had to have opened the door so I guess it is an obvious observation, but I decide not to scold myself on it at the moment. I note the girl's pale skin and blonde hair, hanging over one shoulder, before my eyes connect with the most stunning blue I've ever seen. I sigh and feel the tension, that I've been carrying with me for the past couple days, melt away.
"Santana?"
"Britt." I can't help the smile that follows my greeting.
She stands there staring at my like she's not sure if I'm real or not. Her head tilts to the side and her eyes squint in her 'thinking' expression, but she's smiling widely. Unlike when Dani answered the door, I'm not crying this time.
After observing me, and realizing that I am, in fact, not a hallucination, her smile disappears. She backs out of the doorway and silently offers an invitation to enter. I'm suddenly aware that we- or I- have been standing in the hall for a very long time and have apparently caught some unwanted attention. I quickly duck my head and step into Brittany's dorm.
It took me awhile to find the right building and I had to even backtrack a few times to find the right door to lean on. I swear I can start up as a campus tour guide with the amount I had walked around the grounds in the last hour and a half. You would think more than a few students would know where Brittany lived. She's kind of unforgettable. But I suppose on a campus full of thousands of students, me finding a few that did know what dorms she lived in was a blessing.
She leads me to a small table in her dorms kitchen area and pushes me down in one of the chairs. I take a look around as she moves, pulling things from cupboards, and I hear the water turn on for a few seconds before the silence returns. It's not overly large, but it's nice. There's a living area off of the kitchen and she has a bright yellow couch, it makes my smile return.
I take a closer look at the decorations around the dorm, trying to determine what is hers and what belongs to whomever else shares the space with her. There is a small hallway leading from the living area to the bedrooms, I'm guessing. The pictures on the walls house nothing but cats and flowers. They are all bright and colourful. There is a small coffee table in front of the couch and there are books and papers scattered over a purple tablecloth.
There are a few scented candles scattered around the area, all encased in coloured glass containers. The same ones I bought her for her fourteenth birthday. She'd been upset that she wasn't able to light the candles she received from one of her aunts without one of her parents being present. They hadn't trusted her in the house alone with open flames present. I'd bought them so she could light her candles whenever she wanted because if they tipped over, even a little bit, the flame went out automatically.
"Is your roommate home?" I ask. Because so far from what I can see all of this could belong to Brittany. I'm kind of glad she was paired with someone that might share some of her views and interests. I'd been worried about her adjusting to the academic world. I'd always pictured Brittany going to a dance school after high school. How wrong I was. How many other things involving her was I wrong about?
She joins me now, with two mugs in her hands. One is lime green and one is light blue. She hands me the blue one.
"Because it's your favorite colour." She smiles, motioning to the cup in my hands. A fact that no one seems to know about me. They all just assume my favorite colour is red. I mean I know I'm a Latina and I look smoking hot in that color, but I'm not the one looking at myself all day. I like the light blue colour; it's calming, like a cloudless sky, or water or-Brittany's eyes. The cup is warm and I notice how cold my hands are. I wrap them more tightly around the heated object and lift it to my mouth and take a sip. Sweet, warm chocolate slides down my throat and I hum in approval. "I don't have a roommate."
"What?" I nearly spit hot chocolate in her face. "This is all yours?" I'm surprised because even from what I can see this place looks about the same size as the Loft back in New York that I share with two others. And it has walls!
"Yeah, well apparently being a super smart genius has it's perks." She shrugs like it's nothing special. "They said they didn't want any media students distracting me from myself."
"Media?" It takes me a second to process what she is saying. "You mean mediocre, Britt." I smirk.
"Yeah, that's the word." She returns my smirk and it makes me wonder if she made the mistake on purpose or not. "What's wrong, San?" She's suddenly serious again, smirk disappearing.
"Nothing."
"Nothing?" I shake my head and take another sip out of my cup. "Then why are you here?"
"Can't a girl just drop by and see her best friend?" The look I receive tells me she isn't buying it. "I've never come to see how you were doing, where you were living. I was just curious and I had a few days off of work."
"Does this have something to do with your trip back to Lima?" I guess we are just cutting straight to the point.
"I never saw you there." I begin spinning the mug in front of me and get a deja vu of this situation, but only with a different blonde.
"I wanted to be," she sighs. "But I couldn't get more than a day or two off of classes and stuff. That wouldn't be enough time to drive down and back and the doctor hasn't cleared me for flying yet."
My brow rises. "Doctor?" I rake my eyes over her, looking for an injury, but can't find one. "What happened? Are you okay? Did someone do something to you? When I left you in Lima I knew Trouty Mouth would at least keep you safe, but if there's someone hurting you here, let me know. I'll go all Lima Heights on their sorry asses. They won't know what hit them. I swea-"
A soft giggle breaks me out of my rant and I focus back on Brittany. Her small giggle turns into a full out laugh and I find my scowl is being replaced as I try not to join her. I was being serious. Her laughter slowly dies and she shakes her head in the negative.
"It was stupid-"
"Nothing you do is stupid Britt." I hate when she reverts back to the names she's been called or the way others treat her. She shouldn't feel inferior to anyone.
"Okay," she rolls her eyes but I can tell she appreciates my reassurance. "I mean it was clumsy of me. I joined an after school dance club. Mostly we just get together once a week and goof off. I thought it was a good idea to show them the routine we did for Valerie." I wince, being able to guess what comes next. She must have noticed because she smiles sadly. "Problem was that none of the dancers are as good as Mike. I landed on my head. They were pretty worried I had broke something in there," she taps her temple with her pointer finger, "and have been watching me like a hawk. I was going to sneak away for a few days and fly back to Lima, but I was worried I would lose my scholarship if they found out."
"It's fine, everyone knows the only reason you weren't there was because there was no way for you to make the trip. They may not have known the exact reasons, but they know you." She gives me a grateful look. It must have been bothering her. "But you have to promise me, no more risky dance moves with untalented posers."
"Not all of them are untalented," she tries to argue but I give her my stern glare and I see her deflate. "Fine, I promise."
"Good."
Silence takes over once more as each of us takes a drink from our mugs. It isn't awkward but I wish I could think of something else to talk about. I don't have much time with her and I'd like to make the most of it.
"Are you going to tell me what happened in Lima or not?" She quirks her brow knowingly. "The reason I found you sleeping against my door."
"I wasn't sleeping." I try to defend but give up after seeing her stubborn face. She calls it her 'Santana glare' both because it always works on me and because she says it's the look I give others when I'm looking for answers. "I got mad at Coach and said some things I probably shouldn't have." I decide to get to the point. "I pushed her." Might as well get all the information out on the table at once.
"Why?"
And that's all it takes for me to rehash the entire story to her. I tell her mostly the same story I told Dani, maybe a little less rushed, and instead of staring at the table or my hands the whole time I look to her for her reaction. Her face remains blank, taking in all of the information I give her. When I am done she again tilts her head and truly thinks about what I have said. I'm finally going to know the answer to the question that's been plaguing me since Dani asked. How would Brittany react to what I did?
My answer: she gets up and walks away. What the hell! She disappears down the hallway towards, what I assume is, her bedroom. Since she didn't give me any sign to follow I stay where I am. I sit alone for a long time, or what feels like a long time, and still she doesn't return. I debate if I should leave or not, not sure if she wants me here anymore or not.
Finally the waiting gets to me and I know I can't leave without at least saying goodbye. I needed to see her at least one more time. I hear rummaging as I approach the far door down the hall. The door is slightly ajar and I see a few articles of clothing fly past the crack in the door. I push the door open and see her room in complete disarray. The entire contents of her closet are now spread all over the floor and her bed. It looks worse than my room back home, and that's saying something.
"Yes, there you are." I turn my attention to the closet in time to see Brittany emerge from the now empty darkness. She carries a few objects out of the closet and motions to an empty spot on the bed when she sees me. "Sit."
She plops herself down next to me and turns to fold her legs underneath her so she can face me fully. She sets the objects in the space between us on the bed. I decide to mirror her and bring my legs up to fold them in front of me so I can face her. My jeans are slightly too tight for the position to be completely comfortable but it feels better than looking sideways at her the entire time. She picks up one item and holds it out to me. I grab it and examine it, looking for clues since she's being oddly silent about this whole thing. It's a tape recorder.
"I don't think I understand." I indicate as I wave the recorder in the air.
"Press play."
I do as I'm told, not one to question cryptic Brittany. I hear some muffled scuffing noises before I hear a recognizable sound, cellos. I sit through the entire rendition of the Michael classic. I remember when I sang it. As soon as the music started I remembered the recorder as well. It's the very same one I spy taped to my under-boob. Halfway through the song my attention is drawn to Brittany. She is resting her chin in her upturned palm, elbow resting on her knee and she is smiling softly, looking slightly over my shoulder. She looks as if she's in another world at the moment.
When the song ends I set the recorder down on the bed.
"I always wished I could have been there to see that performance. I bet it was epic." I smile shyly at her compliment.
"I guess."
She then picks up a small velvet box from the pile and holds it out to me. I take it without question and slowly open the lid. Inside are a pair of stud earrings. A thin gold heart on each surrounds a diamond.
"Are these what I think they are?" I look up to her in disbelief.
"Yup," she gives me a knowing smirk. Damn she's sneaky. "I ran into Finn and Rachel on their way to return them and when they told me what they were planning, I had to buy them."
"Why?" She laughs at me.
"Because I know what you did to get them." Her tone indicates that what she's doing should be common knowledge but I am still completely lost to whatever point she is trying to make.
"So you went and kept mementos of my singing performances that you weren't present for?" I stare back down at the earrings and then to the recorder beside me. My gaze shifts to what's left in front of me. I ball cap and a piece of paper. "What performances are these from?" I ask cheekily. I'm kind of in a good mood. I wonder why she kept these things for so long.
"These," she indicates the final two objects, "Are the most important of all." If she didn't have my full attention before, she does now.
She grabs both of the objects and places the cap on her own head. It's white and has the letters 'NY' on the front. She places it slightly tilted in her 'gangsta' style and stands up from the bed. She then hands me the piece of paper and walks over to her dresser across the room. She plays with something before I hear speakers crackling to life and a very well known song starts up. Before I know it Brittany turns around and starts dancing.
I forgot how flawless she is. She dances through the first verse and chorus before seeming to remember I'm still here. I don't mind. I could watch her dance forever and not get sick of it. She smiles and takes up her position in front of me again and motions to the paper I'd forgotten was in my hand. I open it and notice it's an email and start reading, Paula still singing in the background.
Dear Brittany S. Pierce,
First, I would like to humbly apologize for my (and Kurt's) recent actions. If you haven't heard by now I'm sure it won't be long before you become aware of the situation. It turns out that my boyfriend was-well let's just say he was involved in some very questionable activities. Santana sensed something was amiss and tried to warn me, multiple times, but I was in denial. Denial that I could be fooled so easily by someone I thought I knew and denial that Santana actually had my best interests at heart.
Forgive me for being crass, but we have only been privy to this side of Santana recently. Although you may think us fools for doubting her loyalty, you have never been on the other side of her carefully drawn circle. She protects all those within it with great passion and for a time I (and Kurt) were unaware we had found ourselves occupying that space.
You had asked both of us to look out for her and in our blindness we not only treated her unkindly, but nearly sent her into the streets of New York to fend for herself.
I (we) are deeply sorry for not keeping our word. We promise that from now on we will try to look out for Santana the way she seems to look out for all of us. We have her best interests at heart and we hope you can forgive us and know that she is now in good hands.
Love always,
Rachel Barbara Berry (and Kurt)
P.S. You would have been proud of Santana's performance of Paula Abdul's 'Cold Hearted.' She confronted Brody at NYADA, and although I still don't agree with her delivery, there is no denying that her performance was exceptional. Even now it still remains all that the students can talk about.
I read the letter over twice. I don't notice the tears until Brittany's warm hand is brushing them away. I looked to her eyes and see sympathy and understanding.
"Damn Hobbit. She told me no one even mentioned my performance. Wait till I get my hands on her." I shake my head to rid myself of the kind thoughts towards both of my roommates. If I wasn't careful they would notice how much I actually didn't despise them. Although from the email, they'd known for quite some time. I decide to change the subject as I was well aware of the elephant in the room, or letter, that stated she asked them to look after me when I left Lima. "I still don't understand why you are collecting these things. There are plenty of videos of our Glee club competitions if you enjoy my singing that much." I make light of the situation because I'm not sure I can take any more emotions today.
The something at the bottom of my stomach rolls, anticipating what's next.
"I didn't keep these things to remind me of your performances." She takes the hat off and dusts invisible dirt from the brim. She sets it down and touches both the tape recorder and the velvet box with the tips of her fingers. "I keep them because they remind me of you."
She's not letting me brush this off with a joke.
"You're not that person San." She looks into my eyes and I find that I can't look away. I give her a questioning look and she continues. "The one who hurts others. The one who shoves people around, even if that person is Sue Sylvester."
My mouth opens and closes. I want so badly to believe her, but all the evidence is working against me. I don't see the world as she does. I can't see the silver lining in everything or the good in people that doesn't exist. "But I did, Britt. I do do those things. I pushed her and said such horrid things. I'm a horrible person."
"No, you're not." She slides forward, moving the pile over, and our knees touch. "You're the girl who takes a slushy to the face while confronting a whole group of bullies even when you're alone. And you do it while not going all Lima Heights because you know your friend, who you are doing that for, is against any form of violence." She grabs one of my hands in each of hers. "You're the girl who takes time out of your super exhausting schedule of Cheerios practice and Glee rehearsals and school and studying and being with your girlfriend to help a friend find the perfect Christmas present for the one they love." Brittany leans forward and rests her forehead against mine. "You're the girl who risks her own comforts and security to show off some killer dance moves and protect a friend that isn't even aware they need protecting." She intertwines our fingers and adjusts her forehead against mine. Our noses brush and I can feel her warm breath on my lips. "You're that girl Santana."
I'm aware when the tears leave my eyes this time. I close my lids trying to stop them. With our fingers intertwined Brittany is unable to wipe them away like she had before. Instead I'm disappointed when she pulls away, her warmth gone with her. That is until I feel her lips on my cheeks as she kisses each tear that falls.
"How do you know that?" I whisper, scared that if I speak any louder my voice will fail me. "How do you know I won't turn into that horrible person again?"
"I know because you are surrounded with people who absolutely will not allow you to be that person." I can tell she's smiling even with my eyes closed. Her forehead touches mine once more. "I won't let you be that person if that's not what you want." I shake my head slightly from side to side. "Good, it's settled."
She says it like it's just that simple. That just because she says it there will be no room for error. And I believe her. I can't help but believe when she, my perfect genius, has so much faith.
I tilt my head against hers, feeling our noses brush again. I adjust my angle and then her lips are on mine. We both freeze, not because it's unwanted but because it has been so long since we've been here.
She's the first to move as she detaches our lips but only tilts her head and they are back on mine. I squeeze my fingers in hers and I feel her return the pressure. I sneak my tongue out and taste her strawberry lip gloss and wait. She's stopped kissing me but I continue softly pecking her lips. She surprises me after a few moments by taking my bottom lip into her mouth when I move in. I feel her tongue massage over it while she lightly sucks and I barely contain a moan.
She releases my lip and leans forward. The next time we meet our tongues come together and I hear her whimper, leaning further into me. She feels amazing, better than I could ever remember.
I'm about to push her back to lay down so I can continue when a vibration distracts me. I try to ignore it and deepen the kiss but it persists. I groan and Brittany giggles at my displeasure. I nip at her top lip which has found its way into my mouth and she squeals in surprise. I smile at my small victory and lean in to kiss her again when the vibrating returns. Now that I'm not completely in a Brittany coma I register that it's my phone.
"Answer it." She says leaning back and untangles one of our hands to physically stop me when I move in to reattach our lips. She laughs as she tells me once more to answer my phone.
When I pull my phone from my pocket I notice I've missed three calls from Rachel and one from Kurt. Not wanting to be on the phone with her for a half hour I shoot her a quick text instead, not bothering to respond to Kurt, knowing they would be together.
'I'm fine. Don't worry. I'll be back late.'
I look at the time on my phone, 8:26pm, and realize my bus back to New York leaves in just under an hour.
'What time? Dani called, she said you were there earlier and ran out. She's worried and so are we.' Rachel texts back.
"I have to go." I look up from my phone to see Brittany staring confused back at it. "My bus leaves soon." I lean into her once more to kiss her and she returns it automatically.
"Stay," she whispers against my lips. I'm about to argue my reasons for leaving but I realize I don't really have any. "I'll take you to the station first thing if you need, but stay tonight." I nod my head against hers and she attaches our lips once more. How had I gone so long without this? Without her?
I pull back so I can fire a quick reply to Rachel, telling her I'll be home tomorrow around noon.
I then turn off my phone and lean to place it on her night stand. I don't know how she continues to surprise me, having known her most of my life, but when she practically tackles me to the bed I let out a chuckle.
She doesn't kiss me right away. She just lays there, half on top of me, and stares down at me. I look into her eyes and am willing to do so for as long of a time as she'll let me. I can't really remember a time when I refused to look her in the eye whenever there was a bed near by. Just sex, that's what I had told her. No matter what others thought. I'd always been the stupid one.
She slowly leans down and nuzzles her nose against mine. Eskimo kisses, and then she brushes her lips lightly with mine. I'm more than willing to take this at her pace. My body relaxes into the mattress behind me. We continue moving our lips at a leisurely pace. I'm only slightly aware of her unbuttoning my jeans and pulling the zipper down. She kisses the tip of my nose before sliding down to remove my jeans completely.
I'm even less aware of the next few moments, but I do register a warmth being draped over my body and then my body is jostled slightly as the bed dips. I am acutely aware of Brittany wrapping herself around me and whispering my name before I black out.
"I'm home! Hobbit? Lady Hummel?"
There are a few seconds of silence, followed by the sounds of scuffling and a few, maybe breakable, things hitting the floor somewhere off in one of their rooms before I'm attacked, literally. Rachel flies at me and wraps her arms around my waist, effectively pinning my arms to my sides. When she steps back Kurt decides to jab a finger into my shoulder. Man does he have boney girlish hands or what.
"Hey," I say loudly swatting his hand away. I try to look stern and even my best glare is failing. I'm too happy to act miserable.
"Where were you?" Kurt asks.
"You said noon it's nearly two in the afternoon!" Rachel scolds.
I smile, remembering their email to Brittany. They aren't doing this to be annoying or get all up in my business like many would. They genuinely care.
"Hello!" I come back from my thought of yesterday and this morning to see Rachel waving her hand in front of my face and Kurt shining a flashlight in my eyes.
"Stop it. What are you doing?" I knock both their hands away.
"You're supposed to do that to those that are a little out of it. I saw it on a tv show." Kurt tries to explain the flashlight.
"Do you even know what to look for when you do that?" I ask fully knowing the answer before it comes.
"Well no, but I figure it can't hurt to try right?"
I make my way past them to the couch and sit down. "Uh, actually I'm pretty damn positive blinding someone counts as some sort of torture."
Kurt opens his mouth to retaliate but Rachel steps forward silencing him. "Where were you? We were worried. Did you call Dani? She called three times last night and this morning."
"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold up with the jibber jabber. Yes I spoke with Dani, that's why I'm late. I just came from over there. And I'm sorry for worrying you. Things just happened and I needed a little me time, away from your unbearably high pitched voice and Kurt's bright ass, eye gougingly flamboyant sweaters."
They both sit down, squeezing on either side of me. We need a bigger couch. They wrap their arms around me and Rachel snuggles in to rest her head on my shoulder.
"Did you guys miss the part with the insults?"
"Nope, we heard you loud and clear Satan." Kurt responds squeezing his arm wrapped around my shoulders.
"And we're glad you're home too." Rachel chimes.
I smile despite my better judgement and cringe when Hummel lets out a girly squeal at my response.
"See I knew she loved us, even if it was secretly." I roll my eyes at Rachel's over dramatic assumption. She never needs to know that she's correct.
We stay like this for a couple minutes and I am surprised to find I'm not all that uncomfortable. Rachel isn't crying and Kurt isn't worried about some project with his internship. We all were just, being.
"Where were you though?"
I look to Kurt and then into Rachel's questioning eyes. I can tell them it was none of their business, get defensive, but apparently that's not all of who I am.
I reach into my jeans pocket, with great difficulty mind you. Being pinned between two people and wearing skinny jeans, I am surprised when I accomplish my task. I set the velvet box on Rachel's knee without saying a word.
"You are seriously not asking Rachel to marry you are you."
"Ew, prancy smurf not gonna happen. Not even if she was the last girl on planet earth. I hear her screaming my name enough outside of the bedroom thank you very much. I'd rather not have to here it in my bed as well. I need some kind of safe zone."
"Ugh, Santana do you have to be so crude?"
I just smile and motion for her to open the box. When she does her jaw goes slack and she nearly drops it. I reach out and steady her hands in my own.
"Bu-but how di-" she stutters. "I don't understand. How did you- where?" It takes her longer than it normally would for her to catch up but when she does she stares down at the earrings once more and covers her mouth with one of her hands. Her eyes start to water and I'm slightly questioning if this was the right time or not.
"I am completely lost. Is anyone going to fill me in on what exactly is going on here?" Kurt's confusion snaps Rachel out of her zombie state and I jump up, extracting myself from their hold on me. It's easy when I take them by surprise.
"Brittany says hello." I blurt before sprinting towards my partitioned section of the loft.
Two seconds is all it takes before I hear Rachel's clear laughter and Kurt's yell "As in Brittany S. Pierce?"
"G-get her!" Rachel yells still laughing. And man does it feel good to hear that sound. I barely make it to my room before they are barging in and tackling me on my bed asking for all the juicy details.
And I tell them. It's not as hard as I would have imagined it to be a year ago. Back then Brittany was the only one I allowed myself to be open to. Her and I guess Quinn on some level. But now, well I know it is a weird ecosystem that I find myself in and I guess it's probably just as mind boggling to them, but it works for us. I know Brittany is right; these people won't let me become the person I'm scared of.
I'm always going to be thankful for the part Dani has played in my life so far. I hope when she comes to terms with our relationship ending we can become friends. She'd been pretty shocked when I had showed up at her door again today. She was even more shocked when I told her it was over between us. In high school I wouldn't have minded being with someone who could accept me as the bitch that I was. But that was the side of me that was hiding who I was. I don't want to hide anymore, and Brittany gets that. She knows things about me I don't even know. It scares me but it also gives me hope. Hope that I'm not a complete lost cause. She's not going to give up on me and I want to fight to be the person she believes I can be.
Dani may not have been my Brittany but she was right about Rachel and I, I'd been the one to make her smile. And she helped me come to terms with many other things. Like my dynamic within the Loft, and not being afraid of showing love to those outside of my little circle. But most importantly, she helped me find my way back to Brittany. And for that she will always remain an important figure in our lives.