Please Tell Me That You Love Me
By eBooeBoo
A/N: Hehehe. I was listening to DBSG's (or TVXQ's) Insa while writing throughout this whole entire thing. I think that song totally fits Shinogu (other opinions may differ, but I'm firmly sticking to my thought that this fits perfectly together ). Shinogu is probably the most heartbreaking fictional person I've ever known. After I read the translated lyrics (which are here: www(dot)(slash)forums(slash)lofiversion(slash)index(dot)php(slash)t88259(dot)html), I nearly screamed and got the sudden inspiration to write a fic about Shinogu. So here you go! A little one-shot that tells Shinogu's thoughts post-manga, while he's living in the temple. I've decided to make it a Shinto shrine (because I don't know what shrine he officially went into, and because I don't know any other shrines ;; I'm not really knowledgeable in these kinds of things).
Pairing: ShinoguxHatsumi, one-sided.
There had been a time when he could tell her openly that he loved her. When she would come home from school, or after he had cooked dinner for her while everyone else was busy working. Back in the days when there were no uneasy feelings; no tension. When they had still been connected…as a brother and sister.
But now he can't say it. It makes his heart ache to think about it, but he knows he has to keep quiet. He knows better than to say "I love you" in a carefree manner like he used to, because now whenever he says it, it carries a burden that weighs heavily in their hearts. It's a burden that they both acknowledge, but cannot ever be received. Because he knows that she doesn't think that way.
So he has to close his mind off from the wave of emotions that come whenever he thinks of her. Acknowledging his love would make Hatsumi feel uncomfortable, and it was a painful fact that she didn't love him the way he wished she would.
Would it be too much to ask for…if I ask, for you to see me as a man?
And even though he already knew the answer, that still didn't stop him from loving her. The want; the desire; no, the sheer passion was still burning inside of him, calling silently out to the one he desperately yearned for. Of course, the refusal made his heart ache terribly—he had nearly stopped breathing—but he also knew that he wouldn't be able to live if she was unhappy. He knew he would never forgive himself if he forcefully kept her with him and made her miserable…So he had let her go freely, to love the new man in her life.
Shinogu ceased his floor sweeping and leaned on the broom, looking up at the blue, cloudless sky. The wind chimes that hung from the ceiling tinkered lightly in the gentle breeze, and he closed his eyes to stave off the hurt that the memories were bringing him. Memories of Hatsumi…memories of when he had been able to look after her, even as her brother. Because that was when he used to be the sole man in her life; the man whom she would look up to.
What he would give to make everything back the way they were; back when he could freely say "I love you," and Hatsumi would say "I love you" back, even though it had been in a sibling manner. At least he would be able to hear her say the words…and best of all, he would know that they were directed towards him. Just that much was a comfort that he would have been able to keep locked up in his heart. If he had any extremely terrible days, he would take those memories out and hold them close, as if they were tangible beings that warmed him right down to his very toes.
The collar of Shinogu's hakama gently scratched against his neck as he resumed his daily sweeping, causing him to rub the back of his neck. The loose but rough material served as a slightly bitter reminder as to why he was here in the first place.
Often he would ask himself what he was doing here, or why he was here, and would be reminded that it was all for Hatsumi. He had originally come to the shrine in search of inner peace; seeking freedom from his heavy mind and aching heart, but it had all been in vain.
Every moment he spent at the temple was a blaring testament to the love he had been deprived of. When he woke up in the cold mornings, he would feel the hardness of the straw mat, and the thin material of the blanket that covered him, and would be reminded that he wasn't at home anymore. He wasn't where Hatsumi was. He was here, with the purpose of seeking tranquility for the heart, mind, and soul. He was here to leave his life of unrequited love behind.
Only it wasn't just the cold mornings. The reminders would come when he went to wash up, eat his daily meals, and even during his periodic prayers. His thoughts were constantly full of Hatsumi, and if he couldn't even pray in peace, Shinogu didn't know if he could continue this. Although he hadn't even been at the Shinto shrine for a week, Shinogu knew he was already breaking down. It was as though Hatsumi herself was plaguing him somehow, not allowing him to let her go.
Hatsumi…
His heart had always been aching, even while they were growing up, when he would tell Hatsumi that he loved her. He would always think, 'If only I could tell her that I truly loved her, but in a different way.' and would proceed to shake off the thought, trying to convince himself that it was better that way. He tried to fool himself into thinking that it was for the best, and that if he ever truly confessed to her, it would end up horribly.
In some parts, he had been both right and wrong. Wrong, because inwardly he knew it wasn't the best—for him, because it was killing him—but he also knew that it was the best for Hatsumi, so that she would be free from the burden of knowing that he loved her. And thus, he had also been right in thinking that the situation would turn for the worse if Hatsumi ever knew, because now he can't say "I love you" anymore. Not like he used to, because both parties know that the confession is tainted with something more than brotherly love. Now he can't say it at all…
…and it was killing him. Tortuously and slowly, Shinogu was quietly closing the book of his life. It hurt, knowing that he wouldn't be able to even see Hatsumi anymore; much less than saying "I love you." But that was what he did, because he wanted her to be happy. He wanted her to live freely; not caged, and in pain like he was. No, he never wanted her to experience the pain that love gave in the way that he was feeling right now. He would never, ever condone that…
Hatsumi…
Shinogu shook his head, as if to shake off his very memories, and quickly finished what was left to be swept in the courtyard. He had to let everything go. He just had to…going to the Shinto shrine had been his last resort; his trump card, and if that didn't work, then he would have to acknowledge that he was lost. Although…Shinogu knew that there was one more card that could be played, that would end his feelings forever, but he didn't want to go there. He didn't want to go just yet, because he had promised; promised Hatsumi that he would always be there for her…as her older brother.
Which was why he had to stay, and continue his life in the temple. He had to be contented with knowing that Hatsumi was happy…because really, in the end, if Hatsumi was happy, then Shinogu would be satisfied. He would be able to live on. He knew that the pain in his heart would be a lot worse if he was aware that Hatsumi was unhappy.
So he would let her go. Because even though it still pained him to think it, what he had was enough to live by.
.:Fin:.