Fic Wars, Parody I (The Phantom Narrator)
~*~*~*~
Just a little note: The Character 'Hunni' is really Alli, choosing to use her alter-ego name.
A long time ago, in a galaxy far away, well, alright it was present day Montmarte, and – hey wait a second! If it's present day then why am I talking about it like it's in the past and it already happened? *pauses* What do you mean it did already happen? *shakes head* Crazy…
So anyways, not long ago in present day Montmarte *snickers*, two girls sat inside the Moulin Rouge dressing room reading an English-French dictionary, although they were both in French class!
Erin: Who is this? You sound like my French teacher!
But I am your French teacher.
Hunni: Madame Girin! Heeeeeyyyyyyyyyyyy!
Erin: CoughSuckupCough!
Hunni: Bounjour. Ca va bien? (Hello. How are you?)
What? Actually, I was just kidding. I'm no French teacher! Stop talking to me! I haven't introduced you yet. You two aren't in the story yet!
Erin: BUT WE SHOULD BE! Honestly, who hired you as the narrator?
Suddenly, Annie appears.
Annie: It's the hard knock life for us! It's the hard knock life for us!
Erin: What the hell?!
Hunni: *laughing*
Whoops. Sorry. I meant Anni.
Annie: You mean I can't be in the fic?
No! Wait, you already are. But-
Annie: YAY!
*grinning evilly* Suddenly Annie is eaten alive by a monster with sharp…pointy…teeth!
Annie: *Eaten alive by a little white rabbit*
Neo comes running in after the rabbit.
Erin: So…where's the monster?
Hunni: There *points*.
Erin: What, behind the rabbit?
Hunni: No! It is the rabbit!
Erin: Really?
Hunni: I dunno. God damn script! Making us afraid of a rabbit…*mutters* Honestly! A rabbit that-
Then the rabbit bites Hunni's head off and runs away. Neo is still following.
Neo: Why do I *pant* have to run after *pant* some dumb white *pant* rabbit? That damn Morpheus is a *pant* sick fuck. *runs away*
Hunni: *Has no head*
Erin: Hunni?
But since we still need the main characters, Hunni gets her head back and comes back to life.
Hunni: *Read the above* Yay! I have a head!
Erin: Hey this reminds me: New ending to star wars! *pretends to be dead*
Anni and Obi: Did somebody say Star Wars?
Hunni: How'd you get here?
Erin: Yea. The narrator never said you two appeared.
*Snoring* Whups. Sorry guys. Just then, Anni appears.
Obi: Hi.
Anni: Hi.
Hunni: *drools*
Erin: *drools*
Obi…I never introduced you…
Obi: Yea…and…?
GET OUT!!!
Obi: Why?
Because I said so.
Obi: So?
Erin: He said 'so' too!
Hunni: So did you!
Erin: So did you!
Hunni: You just said 'so' too!
Erin: So what?
Anni: I know how to sew…heh heh heh…
Everyone: …
Crickets: *chirp*chirp*chirp*
And the annoying silence is thrown into the trash.
Erin: Can she do that?
Hunni: She's the narrator…I guess so.
Erin: But how can you throw out a sound? *confused*
Obi: So anyways, back to my argument. Wait – what was my argument?
Erin: *whispering* About her telling you to leave.
Obi: Oh yea!
Anakin: Jedi are stupid.
Hunni: *nudges Anni* You just dissed yourself, ya kno?
Anakin: Ya kno?
Hunni: Yea. Ya kno.
Anakin: I do?
Erin: *Yawn* That's what she says.
Anakin: Ok then, you're right. *long pause* What's a 'dissed'?
Hunni: *faints*
Erin: OH MY GOD! SHE'S FALLING!!! GET THE SPEEDER AND SAVE HER!!!
Hunni: Since when am I falling?
Hunni is falling.
Hunni: *falls and hits the ground*
Erin: NOOO! I meant she was falling like in the Coruscant chase scene!
Anakin: Speeders are cool…
Hunni is falling in Coruscant like the chase scene.
Erin: OH NOOO!!!! ANAKIN! GET THE SPEEDER!!!!
There is no speeder.
Erin: OH MY GOD! THERE'S NO SPEEDER! Hurry up! Make one!
And then there was a speeder.
Hunni: *falling* How did I get here? Weren't we in Montmarte? *Just realizes she's falling* AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!
Erin: *Grabs Anakin and drags him into the speeder*
Obi: Why can't I come?
Erin: You hate flying.
Hunni: *Falling*
Anakin and Erin zoom off in the speeder.
Anakin and Erin: ZOOOM!!!
The speeder whizzes past everything.
Speeder: WHIZZ!!!
Suddenly, the speeder stops.
Speeder: WHIZZ!!!
Ahem! Suddenly, the speeder stops.
Speeder: WHIZZ!!!
Oy! Speeder! STOP!
Erin: I think we just passed Hunni.
Anakin: Who'se Hunni?
Erin: Kill me now.
So Anakin pulls out his lightsaber and-
Erin: NOT literally!
Nevermind.
Speeder: STOPS!
Erin: Why did we stop? We just drove past Hunni. Come on, Anakin! Drive back and get her!
Anakin: *shakes head*
Erin: Why…?
Anakin: I can't fly a speeder!
Erin: You did in the movie.
Anakin: *shakes head* You thought that was me? *laughs* That was my stunt double!
Erin: My god you're stupid.
But then the speeder magically appears right underneath Hunni, who lands in the backseat.
Hunni: *lands in the backseat*
Erin: How'd you do that?
(
Anakin: I can sew.
And then the speeder magically appears back on the ground.
Speeder: *appears back on the ground*
Obi: So, narrator, we still have an argument to finish!
Hunni: Oy…*Rubs head*
Erin: HEAD! A HEAD!
Jango Fett runs in, chased by Boba Fett.
Mace Windu comes running after them.
Mace: And now it's time for everyone's favorite game: Find the Head!
Hunni: There's lots of heads…
Mace: No! Find HIS head! *points to Jango*
Jango and Boba Fett stop running.
Erin: …His head's right there…*Points to Jango's head, attached to his shoulders*
Mace: *Chops off Jango's head*Laughs evilly* Not anymore!
Erin: OH MY GOD! It's going to roll away!
Jango's head rolls away.
Mace: Ok! Now find the head!
Obi: Oh heady heady heady head
Anakin: A head! A head! A heady head!
Erin: Oh, heady heady heady head!
Hunni: That went wherever I…did goooooo…
Boba: Oh, it was an ugly head.
Obi: That went wherever I…did goooooo…
Hunni: Look in it's trunk!
Erin: Yea…the sofa!
Anakin: What's a 'sofa'?
Mace: Uh, your mom!
Boba: *Running around, dragging Obi by the head* I found it! I found daddy's head!
Mace: Nice try, Boba, but that's Obi-Wan's head.
Boba: No it isn't!
Obi-Wan: Yes it is!
Qui-Gon: MY BODY IS FRIKKIN BURNING!
Hunni: Hey! You're not supposed to be here!
Erin: Maybe he knows where Jango's head is.
But little did they know, the narrator knew where the head was.
Obi: Umm, actually, we DO know who knows where the head is…
Huh?
Anakin: You just said you knew! Just because I'm dumb doesn't mean I'm stupid!
Hunni: Yes it is! *Hits Anakin*
Anakin: Bully.
I was just kidding. How am I supposed to know where the head is?
Obi: Can't you just make it appear or something?
The rules of Find the Head state very clearly that no narrator can find the head.
Obi: Oh.
Erin: OH MY GOD!
Hunni: *Jumps a mile high* What is it?! Did you find the head?
Boba: *slithering by* And it went wherever I…did goooooo…
Erin: No, but I found something else!
Hunni: What is it?
Erin: A note!
Hunni is not excited.
Hunni: Oh.
The two girls read the note.
'To whoever finds this note,
S.O.S.! While studying polar bears in northern Canada, my Canadian buddy and I have been captured by the polar bears. I don't know how much longer I can survive. They've taken us to a secret cave! S.O.S.! I repeat! S.O.S.!'
Erin: How'd he have time to write this note if he was getting captured?
Hunni: OH MY GOD! S.O.S.! Do you know what this means?
Erin: Yea. It means, wait- no, that's not it. Hmm…I dunno.
Hunni: S.O.S…. SAUCE! Oh, Erin! The polar bears are hungry! They're gonna eat this man with sauce!
Erin: Hey, there's a P.S.
The two girls read the P.S.
'P.S.: To find Jango's head, try looking in the Mirror of Ttef Ognaj.'
Erin: The mirror of Ttef Oganj! Of course! Why didn't I think of that?! *Pauses* What's the mirror of Ttef Oganj.
Hunni: Dunno. Let's go ask Yoda.
Erin: Nah! Too hard to understand. How 'bout Miss Cleo?
Hunni: Sure! Why not?
Somewhere else, Obi-Wan, Anakin and Boba were looking for Jango's head. Well, it was more like Anakin and Boba were looking for Jango's head while Obi-Wan was un-intentionally making a commercial.
Obi: One…
Anakin: Is that Jango's head?
Boba: No, that's a bush.
Anakin: Is that Jango's head?
Obi: Two…
Boba: No, that's an alligator.
Obi: Three…
Anakin: Is that Jango's head?
Boba: No, that's the empire state building.
Obi: Four…
Anakin: Is that Jango's head?
Boba: No, that's a violin.
Obi: Five…
Anakin: Head?
Boba: Strawberry.
Anakin: Head?
Obi: Six…
Boba: Ceiling Fan.
Anakin: Head?
Boba: …My foot…
Obi: *CRUNCH!!!*
Anakin and Boba: ?
Obi: God Damnit! This fucking piece of shit! *Continues to curse*
Anakin: What's wrong, Master?
Obi: After all these years I've NEVER been able to find out how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop. I always bit at six!
~*~*~*~
Who is this mysterious letter-writer? Will anyone ever find Jango's head? What is the mirror of Ttef Oganj? Will the narrator's identity be revealed? Will Obi-Wan and the Narrator ever finish their argument? Does Anakin really know how to sew? What kind of sauce do the polar bears plan to use? Will our heroes (Hunni and Erin: HEROINES!), ahem, heroines save the day? (Hunni: Hee hee hee…sounds like heroin) Will Obi-Wan find out how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? And what about the English-French Dictionary? If this parody turns out right, these questions will probably be answered later on, SO DON'T ASK ME!!!
~*~*~*~
Just a little note: The Character 'Hunni' is really Alli, choosing to use her alter-ego name.
A long time ago, in a galaxy far away, well, alright it was present day Montmarte, and – hey wait a second! If it's present day then why am I talking about it like it's in the past and it already happened? *pauses* What do you mean it did already happen? *shakes head* Crazy…
So anyways, not long ago in present day Montmarte *snickers*, two girls sat inside the Moulin Rouge dressing room reading an English-French dictionary, although they were both in French class!
Erin: Who is this? You sound like my French teacher!
But I am your French teacher.
Hunni: Madame Girin! Heeeeeyyyyyyyyyyyy!
Erin: CoughSuckupCough!
Hunni: Bounjour. Ca va bien? (Hello. How are you?)
What? Actually, I was just kidding. I'm no French teacher! Stop talking to me! I haven't introduced you yet. You two aren't in the story yet!
Erin: BUT WE SHOULD BE! Honestly, who hired you as the narrator?
Suddenly, Annie appears.
Annie: It's the hard knock life for us! It's the hard knock life for us!
Erin: What the hell?!
Hunni: *laughing*
Whoops. Sorry. I meant Anni.
Annie: You mean I can't be in the fic?
No! Wait, you already are. But-
Annie: YAY!
*grinning evilly* Suddenly Annie is eaten alive by a monster with sharp…pointy…teeth!
Annie: *Eaten alive by a little white rabbit*
Neo comes running in after the rabbit.
Erin: So…where's the monster?
Hunni: There *points*.
Erin: What, behind the rabbit?
Hunni: No! It is the rabbit!
Erin: Really?
Hunni: I dunno. God damn script! Making us afraid of a rabbit…*mutters* Honestly! A rabbit that-
Then the rabbit bites Hunni's head off and runs away. Neo is still following.
Neo: Why do I *pant* have to run after *pant* some dumb white *pant* rabbit? That damn Morpheus is a *pant* sick fuck. *runs away*
Hunni: *Has no head*
Erin: Hunni?
But since we still need the main characters, Hunni gets her head back and comes back to life.
Hunni: *Read the above* Yay! I have a head!
Erin: Hey this reminds me: New ending to star wars! *pretends to be dead*
Anni and Obi: Did somebody say Star Wars?
Hunni: How'd you get here?
Erin: Yea. The narrator never said you two appeared.
*Snoring* Whups. Sorry guys. Just then, Anni appears.
Obi: Hi.
Anni: Hi.
Hunni: *drools*
Erin: *drools*
Obi…I never introduced you…
Obi: Yea…and…?
GET OUT!!!
Obi: Why?
Because I said so.
Obi: So?
Erin: He said 'so' too!
Hunni: So did you!
Erin: So did you!
Hunni: You just said 'so' too!
Erin: So what?
Anni: I know how to sew…heh heh heh…
Everyone: …
Crickets: *chirp*chirp*chirp*
And the annoying silence is thrown into the trash.
Erin: Can she do that?
Hunni: She's the narrator…I guess so.
Erin: But how can you throw out a sound? *confused*
Obi: So anyways, back to my argument. Wait – what was my argument?
Erin: *whispering* About her telling you to leave.
Obi: Oh yea!
Anakin: Jedi are stupid.
Hunni: *nudges Anni* You just dissed yourself, ya kno?
Anakin: Ya kno?
Hunni: Yea. Ya kno.
Anakin: I do?
Erin: *Yawn* That's what she says.
Anakin: Ok then, you're right. *long pause* What's a 'dissed'?
Hunni: *faints*
Erin: OH MY GOD! SHE'S FALLING!!! GET THE SPEEDER AND SAVE HER!!!
Hunni: Since when am I falling?
Hunni is falling.
Hunni: *falls and hits the ground*
Erin: NOOO! I meant she was falling like in the Coruscant chase scene!
Anakin: Speeders are cool…
Hunni is falling in Coruscant like the chase scene.
Erin: OH NOOO!!!! ANAKIN! GET THE SPEEDER!!!!
There is no speeder.
Erin: OH MY GOD! THERE'S NO SPEEDER! Hurry up! Make one!
And then there was a speeder.
Hunni: *falling* How did I get here? Weren't we in Montmarte? *Just realizes she's falling* AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!
Erin: *Grabs Anakin and drags him into the speeder*
Obi: Why can't I come?
Erin: You hate flying.
Hunni: *Falling*
Anakin and Erin zoom off in the speeder.
Anakin and Erin: ZOOOM!!!
The speeder whizzes past everything.
Speeder: WHIZZ!!!
Suddenly, the speeder stops.
Speeder: WHIZZ!!!
Ahem! Suddenly, the speeder stops.
Speeder: WHIZZ!!!
Oy! Speeder! STOP!
Erin: I think we just passed Hunni.
Anakin: Who'se Hunni?
Erin: Kill me now.
So Anakin pulls out his lightsaber and-
Erin: NOT literally!
Nevermind.
Speeder: STOPS!
Erin: Why did we stop? We just drove past Hunni. Come on, Anakin! Drive back and get her!
Anakin: *shakes head*
Erin: Why…?
Anakin: I can't fly a speeder!
Erin: You did in the movie.
Anakin: *shakes head* You thought that was me? *laughs* That was my stunt double!
Erin: My god you're stupid.
But then the speeder magically appears right underneath Hunni, who lands in the backseat.
Hunni: *lands in the backseat*
Erin: How'd you do that?
(
Anakin: I can sew.
And then the speeder magically appears back on the ground.
Speeder: *appears back on the ground*
Obi: So, narrator, we still have an argument to finish!
Hunni: Oy…*Rubs head*
Erin: HEAD! A HEAD!
Jango Fett runs in, chased by Boba Fett.
Mace Windu comes running after them.
Mace: And now it's time for everyone's favorite game: Find the Head!
Hunni: There's lots of heads…
Mace: No! Find HIS head! *points to Jango*
Jango and Boba Fett stop running.
Erin: …His head's right there…*Points to Jango's head, attached to his shoulders*
Mace: *Chops off Jango's head*Laughs evilly* Not anymore!
Erin: OH MY GOD! It's going to roll away!
Jango's head rolls away.
Mace: Ok! Now find the head!
Obi: Oh heady heady heady head
Anakin: A head! A head! A heady head!
Erin: Oh, heady heady heady head!
Hunni: That went wherever I…did goooooo…
Boba: Oh, it was an ugly head.
Obi: That went wherever I…did goooooo…
Hunni: Look in it's trunk!
Erin: Yea…the sofa!
Anakin: What's a 'sofa'?
Mace: Uh, your mom!
Boba: *Running around, dragging Obi by the head* I found it! I found daddy's head!
Mace: Nice try, Boba, but that's Obi-Wan's head.
Boba: No it isn't!
Obi-Wan: Yes it is!
Qui-Gon: MY BODY IS FRIKKIN BURNING!
Hunni: Hey! You're not supposed to be here!
Erin: Maybe he knows where Jango's head is.
But little did they know, the narrator knew where the head was.
Obi: Umm, actually, we DO know who knows where the head is…
Huh?
Anakin: You just said you knew! Just because I'm dumb doesn't mean I'm stupid!
Hunni: Yes it is! *Hits Anakin*
Anakin: Bully.
I was just kidding. How am I supposed to know where the head is?
Obi: Can't you just make it appear or something?
The rules of Find the Head state very clearly that no narrator can find the head.
Obi: Oh.
Erin: OH MY GOD!
Hunni: *Jumps a mile high* What is it?! Did you find the head?
Boba: *slithering by* And it went wherever I…did goooooo…
Erin: No, but I found something else!
Hunni: What is it?
Erin: A note!
Hunni is not excited.
Hunni: Oh.
The two girls read the note.
'To whoever finds this note,
S.O.S.! While studying polar bears in northern Canada, my Canadian buddy and I have been captured by the polar bears. I don't know how much longer I can survive. They've taken us to a secret cave! S.O.S.! I repeat! S.O.S.!'
Erin: How'd he have time to write this note if he was getting captured?
Hunni: OH MY GOD! S.O.S.! Do you know what this means?
Erin: Yea. It means, wait- no, that's not it. Hmm…I dunno.
Hunni: S.O.S…. SAUCE! Oh, Erin! The polar bears are hungry! They're gonna eat this man with sauce!
Erin: Hey, there's a P.S.
The two girls read the P.S.
'P.S.: To find Jango's head, try looking in the Mirror of Ttef Ognaj.'
Erin: The mirror of Ttef Oganj! Of course! Why didn't I think of that?! *Pauses* What's the mirror of Ttef Oganj.
Hunni: Dunno. Let's go ask Yoda.
Erin: Nah! Too hard to understand. How 'bout Miss Cleo?
Hunni: Sure! Why not?
Somewhere else, Obi-Wan, Anakin and Boba were looking for Jango's head. Well, it was more like Anakin and Boba were looking for Jango's head while Obi-Wan was un-intentionally making a commercial.
Obi: One…
Anakin: Is that Jango's head?
Boba: No, that's a bush.
Anakin: Is that Jango's head?
Obi: Two…
Boba: No, that's an alligator.
Obi: Three…
Anakin: Is that Jango's head?
Boba: No, that's the empire state building.
Obi: Four…
Anakin: Is that Jango's head?
Boba: No, that's a violin.
Obi: Five…
Anakin: Head?
Boba: Strawberry.
Anakin: Head?
Obi: Six…
Boba: Ceiling Fan.
Anakin: Head?
Boba: …My foot…
Obi: *CRUNCH!!!*
Anakin and Boba: ?
Obi: God Damnit! This fucking piece of shit! *Continues to curse*
Anakin: What's wrong, Master?
Obi: After all these years I've NEVER been able to find out how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop. I always bit at six!
~*~*~*~
Who is this mysterious letter-writer? Will anyone ever find Jango's head? What is the mirror of Ttef Oganj? Will the narrator's identity be revealed? Will Obi-Wan and the Narrator ever finish their argument? Does Anakin really know how to sew? What kind of sauce do the polar bears plan to use? Will our heroes (Hunni and Erin: HEROINES!), ahem, heroines save the day? (Hunni: Hee hee hee…sounds like heroin) Will Obi-Wan find out how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? And what about the English-French Dictionary? If this parody turns out right, these questions will probably be answered later on, SO DON'T ASK ME!!!