A/N: So I've been sending Char this AU idea that was utterly emotional and heartbreaking ended up being a chapter, and I figured why not post it? It's going to continue for awhile and so far I'm proud of what I've managed to come up with. I hope you guys enjoy it too.

-Sarah

I am utterly hopeless.

I no longer have any control over my heart. It has been stolen from me in the most delightful way. It was taken away from me by a kiss that was pure and kind and tainted and stained all at the same time, but I loved it and desired for more.

But more of those kisses made my lips burn and I winced when that burning feeling soon ignited my insides and became a wrathful fire; my heart had surely melted.

I was and am putty in my lover's hands.

My grandfather used to tell me that there are two ways to say "I love you" in Italian where one is meant for family and friends and the other is meant to say to a lover.

But when it comes to my brother, I'd rather say the latter.

Where does one even begin?

It's odd how we became so close with our personalities being so different. Mom and dad would say that we are the complements of each other, but if we're complements, then why am I so bad at making him happy?

I try my best every day, but it ends up with him crying and me apologizing for making him cry, so then we both end up crying and it just never turns out the way I want it to go. I usually feel like an idiot for even trying and push him away again, but he doesn't ever listen to me so I find him hugging me from behind, whispering an apology even when he's not the one at fault.

The fault is mine and yet I allow him to take it, make him believe it's his own, and let him live on with the unnecessary guilt for a fight that should have never have happened. I really am an idiot.

But Feliciano makes me feel stupid. He makes me cry when there's nothing to cry over, makes me smile at the stupidest things one could imagine, makes my heart clench inside my chest like it's about to shatter into millions of pieces, and makes me feel these horrible feelings of jealousy and possession and desire and any emotion ever felt that relates to wanting to keep someone all to yourself.

I want him all to myself, but wish I could push him away and hide these feelings at the same time so I don't have to end up looking in the bathroom mirror again, wondering why there are hot tears running down my cheeks and dripping from my chin. It makes me feel weak when I do that.

With him, though, I feel stronger than ever before like I can take control of all these adolescent emotions without having a breakdown first. I feel my heart beating for him–to stay alive for him so I can see that smile one last time before I'm broken once more.

I love him.

No, I hate him.

No, wait, I envy him.

No, I desire him.

No –no, I want him to be there by my side forever.

…No… I love him.

He's my brother and I'm his too, but I can't see him as that.

I hide from him because I don't want him to see me blushing when he gives me a kiss, not because I find him annoying and don't want to be around him like most older brothers.

I hug him because he's warm and cuddly and his hugs make me feel safe, not because I'm forced to by our parents because we got into a fight and need to "make up."

I love him because he's beautiful and truly just an angel that has fallen from heaven, though I always wonder if I've tainted this pure angel somehow. Then again, maybe I'm the one that's tainted and impure, like the ocean—wishy-washy and contaminated with piles of trash thanks to other people not knowing where to put that Goddamn trash so they just leave it all on my shoulders—

How does Feliciano even deal with me…? What about me is there to like? Well, besides my good looks, of course. But there I go again being narcissistic when I really just have a low self-esteem that I try to boost with being conceited and egotistic.

I'm hopeless. I don't understand where Feliciano finds the good in me. I yell at him, make him cry, and am so mean to him, but he always gives me that second chance to make him happy. My second chances end up as failures and I guess I'm a failure too.

"Feli, did you get all your art stuff for your class?"

I'm sitting in the driver's seat of my car since I have to take my brother to his art classes today. He has classes every Tuesday night at a really nice art studio on the other side of town, and since our parents are too busy to take him and grandpa's too old to drive, I've been given the responsibility to drive him there and back home. I don't mind, to be honest, because he always shows me the art he's done in his classes and seeing his eyes light up excitedly makes me happy.

But at the moment, we're running a little late and if he doesn't have everything ready I swear I'm going to–

"I think I did… uh… oh!" He jumps out of the passenger seat and sprints back inside, returning with damp hair due to the rainy weather and one pencil that apparently he couldn't live without. But I'm not going to say anything because it'll just provoke another fight and there's no need for that right now. Well, really, when is there ever a need for an argument with him?

Feliciano settles in his seat and gives me the okay to start driving, so I start the car and pull out of the soaked driveway, trying to see through the buckets of rain that are pouring on the windshield. I have to hurry though if I want to get him to class on time. His classes mean the world to him and I can't let him down. I've already let him down in so many ways.

"I think this time I'll draw a portrait of you, Lovi, because you have such pretty green eyes that would look beautiful on canvas. Maybe I'll do a full body painting of you! I know your body shape pretty well so—"

I peek out of the corner of my eye and see that he's blushing beet red because he realized what he said was embarrassing. He just admitted that he knows what I look like naked (and he does) because we just see each other naked so often.

Okay, maybe we do, but when it's said out loud it's a little flustering and even I can feel my cheeks glowing pink. His embarrassment is adorable, but mine? Not so much.

"Does that mean you want to use me as a model for one of your paintings? You're going to have to pay me a good price to do that. Add in more if you want me to be a naked model too. I'm sure everyone in your class would love to see that," I say sarcastically.

"I-I wouldn't want anyone else to see you naked," he admits, "but I do want to use you as a model, maybe. You'd be a really good model, and not just for paintings or sketches, but for clothes and fashion and that kind of modelling. You're very beautiful… like an angel who has lost its wings."

I sputter and my lips try to form words, but it's practically impossible to do so now. I'm flustered beyond belief because Feliciano is way too nice with his compliments. I wish I could say something like "you're more beautiful than me" but that sounds cheesy and very romantic comedy-ish so I pretend to act like I still can't speak. I'm not sure if I can now.

He looks at me and I know he's just waiting for my reaction so he can smile at me and make my heart melt all over again as he usually does, but I can't give him that satisfaction if it means letting him see my red cheeks. Since my car doesn't have any heating, I can at least get away with it by saying that it's just cold because of the rain and that's why my cheeks burn.

And because of this damned rain, I still can't see well. The windshield wipers don't work very well and it worries me that we're going to be late for his art class if I don't go faster. It's still another few miles down the road and with traffic and the lights, we might be ten minutes late and that would take away precious painting time from him.

"Listen," I start, "I will be your model for a painting if you let me keep it. That's how you can pay me. I'll have an original Feliciano Vargas painting all for myself and you'll have more practice for your art. You can never have too much practice, right?"

"Deal. And one of these days will you pose naked for me? I'll paint you like… like whatever Rose says to Jack in the Titanic. You know what I'm talking about?"

"You mean 'Paint me like one of your French girls'?" I ask, amused with his reference.

To be honest, I wouldn't mind being painted nude by him because it's him and I know he would want to keep it after painting it. I would act like I don't want him to because what if someone else finds it and he would promise me that he'll hide it when people come over, so I'll let him keep it if he gives me a kiss and more.

"Yes! That's what I meant. You would have to do that pose too, just for me, and I'd be happy to pay you with kisses," he teases, chuckling and snickering to himself like a little kid that got away with stealing cookies from the cookie jar. He's able to read my mind with ease, and sometimes it scares me. I wish I could do the reverse.

"Does that mean you'll give me a kiss right now?"

"But you're driving." He pouts.

"I can still drive while kissing. I've done it before."

"With who? You've never kissed me while you were driving." There's jealousy dripping from his voice and I can tell I just messed up again with no way to backtrack my way out of this oncoming fight.

"You're not the only one I've kissed, Feli," I tell him.

"I know that… you don't have to tell me though. Ignorance is bliss."

"Then you must be pretty ignorant." Fuck, what am I even saying? Who is controlling my body and making me say these horrible things? Just a minute ago we were flirting and smiling with each other and now I'm making a mess. Make it stop, someone, please, make my mouth stop spewing idiotic nonsense.

My prayers have been answered. The passenger side of my car has suddenly been pummelled into and I can hear Feliciano screaming. The airbags pop out of the dashboard, though it doesn't really protect me from bashing my head against the door's window. Excruciating pain hits me like a truck and I'm pretty sure my car was just hit by one too.

I pass out and all I can see is darkness.

It's cold and damp and lonely and I just want to go home.

A few minutes later (I think) I wake up. Everything in my vision is cracked and broken, yet the rain is erasing everything from my sight. I can feel the drops of water running down my forehead, or maybe it's blood from when I hit my head against the glass—I quite honestly don't know.

Pain resides in my temple and sides from the impact and I wish that I could pass out to make the pain go away, but the ringing in my ears keep me awake. My body hurts and I want to vanish from this predicament and return to my bed where it's warm and safe and Feliciano can hold me—

Feliciano!

Oh God, I hadn't even thought about what happened to him and if he was okay. He must have taken the worst bearing of the crash since the other vehicle hit the passenger side. He hasn't even made one sound since the crash and I wonder if he passed out from the pain completely like I did for only a few peaceful minutes. I envy him.

No, I shouldn't. I shouldn't think such unkind thoughts about the most important person in my life. I must take into account the possibilities of the crash's consequences.

Meaning what if he's dead? Please, God, please don't let my brother die. Don't let the person that has given me the will to smile. Let me see his bright eyes that shine at me so I may know that he is fine.

But I can't see him at all. There are either raindrops or tears or blood in my eyes that make it difficult to look at the damage—I can barely even see the airbag in front of me.

I close my eyes and wait for the ambulance to take me away from this mess and return me to my bed—I mean our bed; my and Feliciano's bed to be exact.

It's our bed and every night when we go to sleep, he wraps his arms around me and buries his face in my back because I face away from him. I'm embarrassed when I have my arms wound around him too because then I can feel his breath against my neck and it always makes me blush and my heart starts to pound and I pray that he can't feel it, but I know he does so I face away from him every night.

Most nights are of me hiding my face in my pillow so he doesn't see me smiling like an idiot or so I don't turn around and find myself transfixed on his features; especially his eyelashes and lips. He has such long eyelashes for a boy, but they complement the tinges of gold in his eyes. I wish I could see them right now.

But right now I am opening my eyes now. The ringing in ears has stopped, but now I can hear the rain pouring through the broken windshield—I guess it wasn't that good of a shield since it was able to break so easily.

Thankfully there's nothing in my eyes either so I can see, though it's still a little fuzzy as is my head, but the ambulance will come soon and they'll take us to the hospital and heal these wounds. I've too many anyways and Feliciano is probably beaten up pretty bad.

I'm too tired to lift my head now, which must mean I've lost a lot of blood, and I think it's from the cut at my temple. I don't really know if there is a cut there, but I smell my own blood coated to my face, which must mean something on my head is bleeding.

I hope they come here soon. It hurts sitting here with a giant airbag slammed against my chest and I want to go home and take a shower. Feeling clean and warm would be nice and maybe I'll let Feli take a shower with me.

God, I really do hope he's okay. I can't move my head so I'm not able to see him either. Mom and dad are probably going to take my license away for a few months for getting in this crash, but not because they're mad at me because Feli will tell them it's not my fault, but because they would be too scared to let me drive again. What if it was another rainy day and another driver doesn't see where they're going? It means something worse can happen and I could end up dead.

Sirens start blaring from a distance and a few minutes later, the ambulance is here to make the pain go away. They open my door first and then Feliciano's before tearing us out of these uncomfortable seats and letting us rest on their stretchers. The paramedics are all over me, shouting out orders to each other and I think some aspects on my present condition.

I'm finally able to see him and it looks like he's awake. Good. It means he's alive and breathing and not hurt and I'll be able to hug him and tell him everything's okay once I see him again in the hospital.

But then again, there's something… off. His lips aren't moving and have lost all their color. Rain pours down and rolls across his forehead and cheeks, but the cold isn't making his cheeks or nose red at all like it usually does. He's completely colorless and resembles a mangled doll that has been tossed out in the rain.

His stretcher comes closer and I can see that there's no light in his eyes. There's no fear or pain or anything and suddenly my heart is jumping right out of my chest. Instinct moves my body and I sit up, shouting his name in a desperate attempt to get him to look at me and smile that reassuring smile that lets me know everything is okay, but he doesn't answer me at all.

It seems that the medics are trying to restart his heart, but after five failed attempts, they announce his time of death. I can feel myself dying as well as my voice begins to give out. My face feels wet as well, but I don't know if it's rain, blood, tears, medicine… it doesn't matter anymore. I don't care what it is anymore.

My brother is dead and it's my fault.

My lover is dead and the last thing I said to him was that he was ignorant.

Something else inside me is dead.

The morphine has taken away the pain in my side, but my heart feels like it's about to burst. I want to die. I want God to take me away with him. I'll kill myself if I have to. I'll find a scalpel or knife or something in the hospital and take away my life so I can join my brother in death.

And then I burst out laughing as though this is some giant prank that's being played on me, that Feliciano really isn't dead and I'm not actually going to the hospital to be treated on. That I've not gone completely insane.

I'm so sorry, Feliciano. I'm sorry.

I'll see you among the angels, so please, wait for me.

My head feels light and the morphine pulls me under. Everything is black again.

I hope I'm dead.