A/N: Well then this little AU was a prompt from my unhappy little head as I am currently laid up but drowning in uni work (shouldn't be writing this) but Frankenstein can wait until this plot bunny is gone. It's their fifth year and I had planned on including the trio into a little more but honestly I don't think it was needed. If I do a chapter on contraception then I might bring them in a little more. Other than a load of dialogue in this, please enjoy and review because well they make me smile!
Professor O'Neill was a young down to earth witch, who despite her age had talents and sarcasm even Professor McGonagall would be proud of. The Headmaster was also fact proud of his latest addition to the faculty. Lianna O'Neill was bought into teach hapless students about Sex Ed. As a half-blooded witch, she was aware of muggle and magical contraception and was content to teach 14 + year olds about what will happen as they grow up.
She knew that while Sex Education was now being pushed in muggle schools, magical institutes were fairly backwards and a long way behind. The phrase "Lie back and think of England" came to mind whenever she thought of the magical attitude towards sexual health and biology. With so much focus on controlling the pupil's magic, basic science was being ignored because as magic didn't fit in with science, science didn't fit in with magic.
That's why she was back at Hogwarts.
Lianna sat in front of a somewhat annoying fifth year class and she eyed them, it was her first class of the term and it was their first sex ed class of the year, she attacked the prospect head on as always. She huffed a breath as the very loud teenagers rambled, chattered, argued amongst themselves, and the brunette woman knew instinctively it was going to be a long year. She spotted Potter and someone who was undoubtedly a Weasley, she clocked Malfoy as lounged at his desk surrounded by his Slytherin troupe. The class clearly came prepared for the Sex Education lesson as the girls were sat one side, the boys sat the other, and then clumped together into their houses.
"Sex!" She called out, inwardly enjoying the silence that followed. "There we go, silence." She grinned round at the thirty odd assembled students. "Sex, now for some of you, you may already be at that stage." She stood from the desk. "You'll probably have someone you fancy right now or someone you're even going out with, but how far do those feelings go?" The blushes deepened on some faces. "More importantly, with the upswing in teenage pregnancies in both the muggle world and ours, Professor Dumbledore has hired me to help you guys out with navigating the adult world because let's face it; you're starting some of your major exams this year and the little wide eyed first years that stepped through these arches are gone. You're going to be adults soon and unless you act like a kid, I'm not going to treat you like a kid." She pondered the faces in front of her.
"Good news!" Lianna smiled as the silence thickened. "You're not going to get homework for my subject." There was an audible sigh of relief and many students sagged back, the Weasley kid included, though his bushy haired female friend 'Granger' Lianna remembered seemed disappointed. "BUT!" A groan echoed. "If I feel you're not paying attention, believe me when I say I will embarrass you as much as I legally can and will make you come up and teach everyone else what you know. I may only be 23 but believe me I play as dirty as Slytherin in Quidditch." She grinned at the green tied students who glowered back.
"We'll start with basic biology today, because you're not taught it here I have no idea how much you guys know." Lianna flicked her wand and two charts sprung up from nowhere, one a male silhouette, another female. "This is you." She gestured towards the boards and watched with a smile as many diverted their eyes. "Don't be ashamed of what you see in front of you, because it's you, or it's going to be someone you love in the future and you're going to see a damn sight more than a picture." She sat back on the desk and her eyes twinkled. "I know this is going to be hard for us because we're a mixed class. Obviously things are going to happen to boys that can't happen to girls' and vice versa but the knowledge is always going to be helpful for when you grow up. Goddess knows that when I came here we had to muddle through puberty with red faced advice from parents or advice columns in trashy magazines. No-one explained it really to me, so I'm going to make sure you never make the same awkward cringe worthy mistakes that I did when I was your age!"
"Professor O'Neill?" A hand raised at the back. Draco Malfoy.
"Yes Mr Malfoy?" "
"What mistakes?!" The blonde's eyes alight with a hint of malice, but Lianna just grinned back at him.
"Well guys if you embarrass yourselves, maybe I'll be nice and share in the red faced shame, deal?" She looked around the room as there were a few awkward laughs, but most nodded their heads. "Right then where do we want to start? Boys or girls' first?" No-one said a word. "You know, I don't think you're this silent in anyone else's class…" She hummed and tapped her fingers on the desk. Shrugging out of her emerald robes, she revealed very muggle like clothes of jeans and a t-shirt before walking around the desks, inwardly laughing as everyone bent their head to the floor.
"Okay, everyone pack up their books and put the bags behind my desk." There was a shuffle and a five minute gap as everyone did as she said, then with a flick the desks were gone. "Finnigan and Goldstein, Abbott and Brown up front." Lianna beckoned to the selected students who shuffled their way towards her. "We're going to have a race." All four students looked mortified. "If the boys win this race, the girls bit first and vice versa, comprende?" The brunette witch looked at the teenagers dotted around the room before twirling her wand in a complicated pattern. A track appeared as did two binds around each student's ankles.
"Now is this too much of a muggle game for anyone to grasp the concept?" She questioned each of the teams who nodded their understanding. "Three legged race, not hard, first one to the end wins. Now because I don't trust you lot, I want someone to start the race while I watch the end so… Mandy Brocklehurst" She pulled the girl closest to her and stood her in her place. "You start it, on you marks blah blah blah." Lianna walked down to the other end and at Mandy's signal, the four students hobbled to the end with the girls' winning by a hair's width.
After disappearing the track and putting the tables to rights Lianna sat back on her desk, legs swinging. "Okay, so I also know this talk is a little late, especially for a few girls' but the Board of Governors." She paused and noted that Draco was glaring at her. "decided that you are all too precious at 13 to hear what's already happening to your bodies. C'est la vie. As I talk, these guys behind me," the two silhouettes waved. "Are going to show you in case my explanation isn't good enough."
"Now, boys. Let's discuss your adventure through puberty. You are going to want to kiss almost everything in sight, not only that but you are going to find awkward situations when not only talking to the girl of your fancy but also just randomly, not even when a hottie pops into your head." Lianna tucked her legs under to break the awkward tension in the room, ignoring the snickers of the class as they watched her male cartoon's antics.
"So other than your trousers tenting a lot more than when you were younger, wet dreams could also be an issue. Now guys, you're magical, you're lucky, a quick scourgify or tergeo and you're clean, but I know some of you will be going back to muggle homes, where this isn't possible. Please wash your sheets, your mum, dad, carer, guardian knows what's happening to you and they're not going to question it that much, its fine!" Lianna smirked at the shades of red some boys had flushed to. "Also, you probably know you're going to get larger in that department as well, you're gonna get hairier as well but it's nothing to be concerned with." She knew that the male was currently hiding his sheets in the wash as well as scratching his head and holding his boxer shorts open, staring down at himself.
"Now that's the embarrassing part over with I promise." Lianna smiled as the cartoon righted himself.
"Next up is the physical changes, judging from the deepness of your voices you guys have already had the arguably worst part over; where you squeak for god knows how long because your voice box is altering, that's why you have an Addams Apple. Your body starts to fill out a little more; you might put on a little more weight, muscle or even shoot up in height." The cartoon echoed her words as he tensed his muscles before shooting up in height so you could only see his knees on the board, slowly come back down into sight.
"Your skin is also starts to get oilier which means spots and well while magic hides them better than make up, they're gonna hurt the first few times round." This silence was no longer awkward but listening and watching as her cartoon character silently despaired at the acne over his face.
"You're going to be getting hairier elsewhere as well, especially for the naturally darker haired boys; there's going to be chest hair, ear hair, nose hair, butt hair, leg hair, arm pit hair and most importantly, facial hair. That's right its beard time, beards, moustaches, side burns. Now they're not all going to appear at once, it'll be gradual and you may not get them in all places but by the time puberty's finished for you there will be substantially more hair. Your beards may be patchy, you might not be able to grow a moustache and you may only have a smattering of chest hair, there is no correct way." Lianna finished as the character spun around, staring at the various tufts that had cropped up across his body before slowly fading back into a silhouette.
"I think that's pretty much it for boys." She pondered as some of the male students started to pack and move. "Woah hold on, I made the girls' listen to your problems with random erections, now if you hear what girls' have to suffer maybe there'll be a wee more sympathy." She raised an eyebrow as the few half risers; Malfoy, and his cohorts as well as a Gryffindor she remembered as McLaggen sulkily settled back into their chairs.
"Right girls' I know this is probably late but I'm going to help if I can." Lianna clapped her hands together and rummaged in her bag and dragged a box out of its depths as her female cartoon came to life, with a box to match Lianna's.
"Tampons are not the prettiest things in the world and can be a damn sight scary to comprehend. Now if you haven't ever used one you can come see me later and I can talk to you separately." She saw even boys were blushing now. "Periods aren't pleasant, if you're religious they're God's way of punishing us for what Eve did, but I'm not so I don't believe that. I believe Mother Nature likes to test us a little and prove that we're just as tough as men." Lianna smiled at the giggles around the room. "I'm going to explain this as though you've never had one, in case there are a few late bloomers amongst us." She watched as a couple of girls' nodded barely perceptibly.
"Right then, your first one, now you don't always get stomach cramps, I did and it hurt like an absolute bitch." There was a collective murmur but Lianna brushed it aside as the cartoon doubled up in pain. "I didn't know what the feeling was but all I knew was it felt like I really needed to loo and couldn't go, it was horrible and that was before any blood." Lianna ignored the cringes of some of the room. "A hot water bottle and paracetamol for the more muggle moments or Dolor Otium while you're at school. Because you are now in your fifth year Madame Pomfrey has allowed me to give you that spell because it offers light pain relief. Medicinal spells should not be used in excess and if you're really struggling with pains, come and see me or Madame Pomfrey or a teacher that you trust, please do not experiment with various draughts etc because they can have some nasty side effects." The character behind Liana waved her wand and relief filled her illustrated face, though she did also knock on a door clearly marked as an infirmary door.
"When I got home there was blood and I freaked and didn't know what to do with myself but I had my family to look after me and explain why it happened and what was happening. They also showed me how to use sanitary towels and tampons, at school it can be harder but us teachers are human too, mostly. We do know what's going on!" Lianna stood and walked to the front row of desks. "That unfortunately isn't the only change in female puberty; your breasts are going to be one and there's going to be weight gain but this is a good thing, you're going to be a woman and a healthy woman is not one who is stick thin from starvation, there's a little fat on all of us and it's healthy and natural." Lianna walked to the back of the room, her back aching from inactivity, watching her character as she was shocked at her own breast size as well as her curvier hips, shaking them every so often. "Alternatively your shape may not change noticeably, but us girls are having a class on body positivity later in the term so I will go into greater detail then!"
"After weight and shape changes, there's going to be an increase in hair for you as well ladies." She saw the tufts appear on the character. "Your pubic hair is going to grow as are your underarms, while there's not much pressure on keeping yourself tidy and clean down there, do be aware of your body beneath the hair, because it decreases the chances of STI's such as crabs and helps other ones that are more internal become more apparent. Also underarm hair well society says it's a no go but if you want to keep it you can keep it." She grinned as there was a resounding 'eww' from around the room.
"There's also going to be a little bit of discharge when you're not on your period, but it's perfectly natural. If it's whitish then it's fine, it's your body self-cleaning and keeping you healthy but if it changes colour, yellowish etc then you need to see one of the nurses here or me and we'll get it checked, don't be embarrassed because it could be part of a larger problem that could be harmful to you, if something is off colour in your body, that's its way of telling you something's wrong." The female form became a silhouette again.
"I know that most of that advice is going to be absolutely useless to most of you because you've gone past that stage so to make this hour worthwhile we're going to talk about one type of contraception for the next ten minutes, so I'd figure I'd go with the easiest. Condoms." There was a burst of laughter from the Slytherin corner.
"Professor, I thought that condoms were useless to wizards." Draco sniggered.
"Mr Malfoy, while you think you are impressive you do not have super sperm that apparates through a condom." Lianna leant on her desk and stared at the boy whose laughter subsided at her face. "They work for wizards and girls and boys, any partner that says they do not want to use them are effectively putting your health at risk." Liana added seriously to the rest of the class.
"I am offering classes to learn how to roll them on so they are effective and do not break which goes out to both genders because girls; guys think it's incredibly hot if you can roll the condom for him." She winked at the girls' side of the room who tittered nervously. "Condoms are a basic form of contraception and they should be used despite originally being muggle invention because work!" She raised an eyebrow to the Slytherin corner who glowered back.
"Now, if you have any questions please feel free to ask now, or to write them down and hand them in anonymously or you can hang around and we can chat after the hordes have gone." Lianna finished the lesson in her usual quick style and allowed the teenagers to either escape out or linger around with questions while she folded away her silhouette helpers and tucked the tampon box back into her bag.
A/N: Two of these, I know bad person, I hate notes at the start and end but this one is just to give the meanings of my home-made cramp reliever. If any info is a little wrong (being a girl I read up on male changes) please inbox me, thank you!
Dolor – Pain, Otium - Ease