Austin is staring out the window because his wife of two months is standing outside being greeted by friends who have stopped by to share their condolences. He's sipping his favourite soda, but the taste isn't as sweet due to the sad air in the house. This year was supposed to be their happy year, not the year that his wife's father passed away.
He sees her shedding her tears, collecting love in her palms each time somebody hands her a bouquet of flowers or a card. She's enveloped into warm hugs and bites down on each apology or encouraging thought that every person has said to her. Austin shakes his head before he feels a presence beside him.
"She'll be okay," said a Latina who was a whole lot shorter than him. Austin glances down at the short girl who was also his wife's best friend. Her name is Trish and Austin is so glad that she was in the house talking to him. Everyone had been ignoring him, focusing on his wife but he didn't mind because she needs a lot of attention right now. And if that attention meant for the world to stop talking to him, he would take it.
"I know," Austin said, but did he really? Because for the last two days he's been losing sleep, worrying about her. At night, he can feel her tossing and turning, perhaps trying to roll her broken heart back into place but it never works.
Austin noticed water droplets on the window and glanced up at the sky, seeing that grey clouds were looming. "Ally's a strong girl, Austin," Trish said, knowing that although he nods, he's not convinced that she'll be okay.
"Ally and I have been through a lot of stuff together, Trish, but I think this one really tore a strip off the both of us," he said.
"Just be there for her, Austin," Trish said, before she, too, had wandered away to go be with Ally. Austin sighed as he glanced at a picture that was sitting on the fridge. They were in Disney Land, smiling wide while wearing Mickey Mouse hats. If only he could see that smile again.
Days have passed and Austin is standing next to his wife after the funeral. She hadn't shed a tear that day and he thought maybe she was okay but when she hadn't touched him once today, he knew that she most definitely wasn't okay. She'd accepted everyone's hug and comforting touch but simply always shrugged Austin's off. Austin blamed it on the funeral.
"Ally," he says softly, "We should go." The funeral has been over for a while and Ally is staring at a picture of her father on a Memory Table full of his things plus loads of flowers that piled up in the worst way they ever could.
"You go," she murmured, "I'm going to stay." But Austin refused to leave without her. They stayed for another hour, just standing at the memory table as Ally took her time touching each individual item. Austin reminded her that she was allowed to take whatever she wanted and keep it but Ally never replied. She just set down his picture and snapped at Austin that they should go.
Austin glanced over at Ally in the car, seeing her head leaned up against the window. She still wasn't crying, but her eyes looked dull and he knew that she very much needed to cry. He didn't grab her hand like he wanted to, he kept both hands on the wheel and stared at the road in silence as he drove them home. Attached to his rear-view mirror was a dangling photo of himself and Ally when they were in the Mall's Photo Booth. He was kissing her cheek and she was grinning. If only he could see that smile again.
Austin wakes in the middle of the night and the spot next to him is vacant. He hears shuffling down the stairs. He rubs his eyes and runs a hand through his blonde mess of hair and rolls out of bed. He sluggishly makes his way down the stairs and sees Ally at the kitchen table, eating her sorrow away with pickles. She's got a trail of tears on her cheeks. He sighs, coming towards her.
"Ally, it's the middle of the night. You should sleep." he tells her.
"I don't have to do anything," she replies coldly. Austin wonders what has gotten into her. He can make one guess: Grief.
The funeral may have been last weekend, but Ally was still the same way she was the day her father had passed. It had dawned on him that grieving was not a one day process. He wanted to ask if she needed to discuss it but he was too intimidated because he knew that if she were to tell him her feelings that there was a chance he would be frightened by her sadness or he would just not know what to say. Perhaps, he would say the wrong thing.
Ally goes for another pickle but Austin grabs her wrist, "Ally, you're going to get a stomach ache."
"I'll deal," she responds.
"Just come back to bed," he says.
"No," she shakes her head. Austin notices the picture of Ally and her father lying on the table. He sighs.
"Ally, you're beating yourself up about this," he says and his heart picks up in speed because he wonders if it was a bad thing to say. She was grieving; shouldn't she have a right to look at pictures and cry?
But she doesn't get mad. Her eyes fill up with water. "I'm trying to remember." Austin didn't know whether she meant remember her father, happiness, or how her life used to be, so he chose not to say anything at all. He doesn't feel comfortable leaving her at the table crying while he goes back to bed so he pulled out a chair and sat down. They sit in silence; the kind that made Austin feel itchy and Ally feel sad. If only he could see her smile again.
Two months later, Ally is sitting on her bedroom floor crying. Austin is sitting beside her, trying to convince her that everything will be okay again but he's losing hope because he doesn't know himself. Ally has been so sad and he missed the old her. She smiles but not the way he wants her too and they have started to argue a lot. He remembers his mother telling him that the first year of marriage is the hardest but he knew their first year together was the most cruel because they hadn't even gotten used to the idea of being married when they had to learn about dealing with grief.
"It's only okay because it's not happening to you," Ally pushes him away, physically yet emotionally. Austin sighs and gives up on trying to hold her and instead sits next to her with hopelessness riding on his heart.
"I'm just trying to help," he said, hopelessly. Ally had her palm over her face, wishing she'd stop crying as she didn't reply to him. Austin sat there, listening to the sound of her cries. She'd cried in front of him before but this specific cry broke him into pieces. Tonight he really misses her smile.
Ally is wearing a red dress on the eighth month that her father has been gone. Austin is watching her from across the room, sipping a glass of champagne. His wife stands next to her best friend, sipping a drink as well with a red bandana tied around her curly locks of hair that Austin had agreed made her look very pretty tonight. She has started to smile again, little by little, but not the way Austin wants her to. Her glossed lips don't curl towards her eyes that usually sparkle.
Austin is too distracted to focus on the party that they'd been invited to. He is asked questions about how he and Ally are doing and he forgets to tell everyone that he and Ally hardly talk. He recalls their wedding day when Ally wrapped her arms around him, kissing his face and said "I love you". He doesn't remember when she'd told him that last, perhaps before her father had passed on. He never seemed to mind because he knew she was grieving and the process he thought would last a day, never did, so he told himself it would surely only last a few months and now here he is, watching her at the other end of the room, and it's been eight months but she's still not smiling the way she used to. She's not better yet - not even close.
He forces a laugh to a couple of his friends that come up, pat his shoulder, and tease him about kids. Austin fakes a smile and pretends as if he doesn't think about that, pretends he doesn't think about the fact that him and Ally hadn't been 'intimate' since the third month her dad was gone. Ally was too distracted with other things. Other things like tears, hugs, and memories.
Ally's eyes catch his and she steals a breath from his lungs when she smiles slightly. He smiles back. He doesn't stop gazing at her when she turns away because of a few girls who want to tell her about how wonderful she looks. Austin doesn't miss her smile this time, he misses her.
Ally is standing in the kitchen exactly 5 feet away from Austin when he's running his fingers through his hair. She's angry at him because today is their anniversary and he only gave her a card. She explained that she expected their first anniversary to be special and Austin doesn't tell her that he didn't do much because thought she would be too sad.
Austin listens to her yell at him before he finally blurts, "Well, how am I supposed to know when you don't even tell me you love me anymore!" And she stops. She doesn't yell. She doesn't talk. She doesn't even breathe.
"I...I'm sorry, Austin," she said, her eyes suddenly filling up with a fluid that Austin knows is tears. Oh, great, he'd made her cry. He ushers her not to cry and that it's okay. He wraps his arms around her and this time she accepts, apologizing over and over again.
When her tears have stopped, she looks at him and decides she wants to talk about everything. "I'm sorry for everything, Austin," she says, "I just felt a little bit disappointed by you."
Austin is frozen and confused. Disappointed by him? What had he done? He blurts out a "Why?"
"When my Dad died, you were the only one who didn't come outside and tell me that it was going to be okay. At his funeral, you didn't hold me even when you knew I needed it. When I stayed awake all of those nights because I was so sad, you never urged for me to talk about how I felt and again, you never told me it was going to be okay. When I sat on the floor crying and I pushed you away, you didn't put up a fight. At the party, you didn't stand with me or talk with me, you went to the other side of the room. You weren't there the way I wanted you to be."
Austin is struck by surprise and confusion because he didn't mean for any of that. Ally assures him that it's not all of his fault, but hers too, because she knows that she should have treated him different. Austin apologizes and she does, too.
He then says, "I just missed your smile."
A multitude of voices chorused the song of 'Happy Birthday' to a small girl one year later. Her hair is dark and has natural curls, just like her mother. Trish kisses her daughter and encourages her to blow out the candles. Ally's the first one to clap her hands before everyone else joins in and Austin watches her grin.
Ally had started talking to him again more and more and yesterday she remembered to tell him she loves him. She still cries but now she lets Austin hold her. Ally remembered to talk to him about how she felt, Austin remembered to keep the conversation going because she needed to talk. When Ally tried to push him away, Austin put up a fight until Ally allowed him in and Austin peppered her face with kisses and 'It's going to be alright'.
Austin could always notice the heaviness of loss in her eyes, but felt a sensibility of pride every time she fought to smile. She might hug him and cry at the end of the day, but he always reminded her that she was very strong and he was happy and proud that she did her all just to work a smile onto her lips.
That's why when a few months after that and Ally is sitting on the bathroom floor, not so excited about the news of carrying their child like she was ten minutes ago, Austin is kneeling down beside her, telling her that it's okay to be a little bit sad, but to also be happy and to smile because they had a family now.
Austin watches her shuffle over a tad, sniffle, and hug him tightly while wearing his over sized hoodie. She puts her lips on Austin's before she pulls away and Austin finally sees something in her eyes that he hadn't seen in a while: happiness.
He wraps his arms around her and pulls her onto his lap while she rejoices to a new beginning. Ally shares with him that's she afraid that what happened to her father will happen to Austin and her child will be fatherless, but Austin assures her that it won't happen and he tells her "I love you" and she says it back.
Austin watches her smile again.