Christmas just wasn't the same without them, without her.
Every year since they were first put on his squad, his teammates would always abandon the formalities of the word 'corporal' and invade his room, decorating it with many paper snowflakes and a small tree with little wrapped gifts beneath it.
Now that he thought about it, the tree was never actually decorative itself, but a year ago, when Levi had 'proposed' to Petra in the December snow, stating he'd marry her once this bloody war was over, the ginger haired girl grinned from ear to ear, tears of happiness spilling from her eyes.
They then embraced under the starry winter sky, snow piling beneath them, their only audience being the stars above them. When they finally broke apart, Petra pointed towards the sky, smiling at the sight.
"Look at all the stars in the sky..." she said, as he tilted his head to look. "Those are going to be the same stars in the same sky when we get married in the future." Levi tore his eyes away from the sky, stared at her as the snowflakes sprinkled her hair with white, and her dreamy eyes still glued to the shining specks of light above them. She was beautiful.
"Those stars will remind us of this day, won't they? Well... maybe that one especially." She pointed at a tiny star right above them, shining brighter than the rest.
"Then I guess that midget's our star." he said, earning a little giggle from Petra.
He kissed her on the forehead, his arm wrapped around her, and led her inside, looking forward to the future he promised.
The day after, Petra had come inside with a dirty little glass object. Levi had scolded her for bringing something so filthy and dusty into his room. Petra frowned and left the room, only to come back after twenty minutes of thorough cleaning to him her little treasure.
It was a star.
Though, not just any star, but one of those stars you'd put on top of a Christmas tree. It was a fragile glass of some sort, but it looked like a diamond as it shone on the tree she put it on.
"Where did you get something as fucking small as that?"
"It's not that small!" she pouted, defending the star as it was the size of her palm. "And I found it abandoned on the streets. It looked quite pretty and I thought it would fit our tree. A small star for a small tree."
She paused, looking up at him with a small smile. "And it looks like our star."
"How the fuck do you know what our star looks like, none the less, any star looks like up close?"
She punched him lightly in the arm, earning a small grin from him. "Shut up Corporal!" She laughed. "It looked like our star because it was smaller than the rest. And, I guess I got lucky with this one because it turned out after washing it, it's also the brightest, most beautiful star ornament I've ever seen."
At that moment, Levi immediately accepted the star, letting it become a Christmas tradition between them and their teammates.
But this all felt so long ago, albeit it be only a year. It was only year since he had proposed. A year since she accepted. A year since she found the star. And now it's all gone. She was gone season ago, along with all the other members of his squad, his family.
It's now Christmas. Levi's sitting alone in his oddly bare room with only the small tree next to him being the decorative piece of the season. Though his new squad tried to cheer him up by decorating his room like his old team, all that did for Levi was make him burst with rage and so he tore up the room and threw the decorations out. This was good sign to his team that he wanted to be alone today. And so, he was.
He sat on the floor beneath his window, the bare, small tree next to him. In his cold hands, he clutched Petra's little Christmas star, remembering how Auruo almost coughed blood on it, how Erd had been fascinated by it, how Gunter almost knocked it down, and most of all, how happy Petra had been when she found it. He clenched his hand tighter around the ornament, almost causing a crack to form.
They had only used this star once, yet it transpired so many memories from that day. Not to mention, so many secret tears, courtesy of himself.
Glaring at the star, Levi noticed it didn't shine quite as bright and lively as it did before.
'Before they all left.'
It seems that when she left with them, she took all the joy and life this star brought, leaving Levi with a broken promise.
'I can never live up to that promise. Never.'
His hand around the star clenched even more tightly as he thought this, so tightly, until he heard a small cracking sound. He needn't look to see what it was. He knew the star was now broken, just like his dream, his promise. Just like his life.
And it didn't help that he was sad and angry. He just held on even tighter, smashing the little ornament into a more broken shape. He could feel small shards cutting him, the warm liquid slowly dripping down his arm. But he could care less about that right now.
He suddenly rose to his feet, opening his window. He glared up at the sky, singling out a familiar tiny star. Our star.
He tore his eyes away from the speck of light and stared down at the newly deformed ornament in his hands for the final time, though this time, he feeling less bitter about it. Then, after what seemed like forever, he hurled the little star as far as he could, hearing the faintest of shattering sounds when it hit the ground, somewhere far away.
Maybe if he was someone else, he would've kept it, but Levi was Levi. There was reason for someone to keep something that would only bring happy memories and feelings that he knew he could never have again.
Because he knows he'll never be able to have another Christmas with them again. He'll never hear Erd's jokes, see Auruo's bad impressions of him and hear Gunter's scolding again. And most of all, he'll never feel Petra's warm lips on his, feel the warmth her arms brought him, smell her scent, and just see her.
He peered up at his star in the sky, this time probably looking more helpless and sad rather than the menacing him that hurled the ornament. He just simply watched the star as it twinkled brightly above him. And that twinkle reminded him of her. One more thing he could never see again, the twinkle, the light in her eyes when she smiled; he could never see that again.
At this point, he didn't know whether he was going to cry or not, seeing that he practically cried his heart out in bed on the day they all died; he was sure he had no tears left. But it seems that he was wrong, as he glanced at his cut, wet hand, taking in the sight of his tears mixing with his blood.
Then the most bizarre thing happened. He smelled her sweet scent. Levi peered up at their star, and completely broke down when he saw her kind, bright eyes watching over him.
His promise to her will forever remain broken, but as he quietly sobbed that night, he'll never forget what he saw, that she was watching over him; that he could wish upon a star, that he could dream.
Merry Christmas everyone~
Shingeki no Kyojin © Hajime Isayama