Disclaimer: I don't own Scrubs. Or the song. Which is a great song, btw...All American Rejects.
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SPOILER ALERT!
Alright, who else is PISSED OFF at that BITCH we called Kim? SO UNWORTHY OF OUR JD. So, in order to redeem myself of the awful sin that is my fic "How to Save a Life" (depicting Kim as a...hissssss...good person), I'm writing more JDA...bitch-Kim style.
TAKE THAT, BREAKER OF MY MAN'S HEART! TAKE THATTTT!!
It Ends Tonight
Chapter One
My tent was growing colder now that the late winter was finally coming. It snowed last night. I froze my ass off.
Elliot offered to let me move in with her last week. I just said no. I'm not much into company these days. I feel like an idiot—going all the way down to Tacoma just to see our baby, my baby, only to find out that there was never going to be a baby. It felt like the last seam of the shirt of life had unraveled until there was only a thread left, barely clinging on. I was the thread. I just...I'm hanging there, useless, unnecessary.
I look outside and see the white sheen of a thin layer of snow. I kick the corners of the tent, shaking it off and watching the frozen bits slide off. Shivering, I manage to tug my scrubs on and brush my teeth with the water I'd kept in a thermos (it freezes otherwise). I really ought to try and find myself a place—I know. But wasn't this supposed to be the place? This porch...wasn't it going to be a home?
I shudder, from cold and remorse. It's been nine days since Kim told me, and since then I've felt completely numb. I haven't even cried. It feels like the baby never left, and hell, it was never here to begin with. Why would this happen? Because we didn't want it enough? Was it Laverne's Jesus getting back at us for considering abortion?
My shift starts at six thirty again. I check my watch—twenty minutes to get to work. I look out at the snow, then back at Sasha. This is going to be tricky with all the ice on the road, isn't it?
I decide not to care. It's not like I really care about anything now, it seems. It's not like I'm depressed. I'm just...nonchalant. Passive. Observant. Watching people around me live their lives and wondering about them—what fuels them, what their passions are, who waits for them to come home every night.
Nobody waits for me. That I'm sure of.
Sasha's engine sputters and dies. "Damn it," I whisper to myself through chattering teeth. But I'm not really mad. I'm not actually living it. I'm detached, watching some overgrown kid trying to kick a shiny blue scooter back to life.
My toe hurts. I quit kicking Sasha and decide to walk instead.
Your subtleties
They strangle me
I can't explain myself at all
And all the wants
And all the needs
All I don't want to need at all
"Morning, JD."
I shift the coffee cup in my hand, trying to read the quote on the side. Then I decide it's not worth the effort and set it down, choosing instead to stare blankly at the lid. There are little plastic pop-up buttons. "Decaf' and "skim" and things like that. There was a time that I would have pressed them all down...maybe that was just days ago. I don't know.
Staring at the cup, I realize that I can't even remember what I ordered. I can't remember ordering it. How long was I in line? I just wanted to get warm, I suppose.
"JD?"
God, my hands are freaking frozen. I look at them in my lap, completely white and unfeeling. Perchance I would invest in a pair of gloves the next time I went out for a ride. But that, again, drew back to the original point: who cares? What does it matter? We'll all die anyway. Might as well feel something before we go.
The table tops were scratched now. I remember when they were shiny and new, right after the hospital's coffee shop opened. Now their alluring gleam was replaced by a dull color, faded and stained, its abuse evident after the past few months. How many times had I sat at this very table, adding to the damage?
"JD, snap the hell out of it!" Elliot says grumpily, kicking my chair.
My head snaps up, facing her. "Sorry," I mutter. "Distracted."
Her face grows a bit more sympathetic. "It's hard," she stated, not as a question.
I nod. She's the only one who knows about this. I...I didn't feel like telling anyone else just yet. Not even Turk. I don't even know what possessed me to tell her and that patient. Maybe I just needed to get it off my chest.
She puts her hand on mine. "Do you want me to tell them?" she asks.
I think about it for a moment. Finally, I shake my head. "No. Thanks, though." I hand her the coffee and walk away.
The walls start breathing
My minds unweaving
Maybe it's best you leave me alone
A weight is lifted
On this evening
I give the final blow
My shift is over but I have nowhere to go, so I'm sitting on the freezing roof like the homeless bum that I am. This just sucks. I feel like I'm hovering in a separate plane than the rest of the world, caught in limbo between the world I used to be a part of and the world I want to be in. But where do I want to be? Do I even know?
I close my eyes and let myself imagine my world. It's all the usual people, at least. Brown Bear, Elliot, Carla, Izzie...hell, maybe even Keith and Dr. Cox and Jordan. But there's a face sitting at the table, catching my lopsided throw, grinning toothlessly at a birthday party, calling me daddy. I would do anything to see the face for real, instead of conjuring one in recesses of my mind.
The fantasies I used to lose myself in have diminished, and this is all that's left—what could have been. What I wanted. What I had counted on for so long.
I try to remember what my life was like before Kim became pregnant, but I can't even begin to recall. Was I happy? Was I ever happy? Am I unhappy right now? Or just...floating?
The door to the roof opens. I stay still, hoping whoever it is will feel the cold blast of air that assaulted me earlier and have the common sense to turn around and go back down the stairs, away from me.
"JD," Carla gasps. "There you are! We've been looking all over for you. What the hell are you doing up here?" She looks around in disgust, hugging her sleeves to her chest.
"Thinking," I say, shrugging. "You need me?"
She scowls. "We were gonna go out to that Thai place, remember?"
"Oh." No, I don't remember. Whatever. Let her push me around. I could barely move as it was, figuratively and literally.
"You poor thing...you're frozen," she scolded me, grabbing my arm. "What were you thinking?"
"Lots of things," I say distantly.
Concern flickers in her eyes. She stops dragging me towards the door and looks at me in the eye for the first time since I came back from Tacoma. "Bambi...what's the matter?"
I shake my head. "Later," I say.
"No, tell me now," she demands, but gently.
I hesitate. "It's nothing. It's...all over now," I say, offering her a small smile.
When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight
It ends tonight
No worries, everyone, that's only chapter one. It gets SOOOOOO much worse for JD, I promise. I mean, have I EVER written a Scrubs fic without torturing him?
If you answered no, then...well, you wouldn't be reading this, because I'd have killed you before you could! Ha!
Review, plzzzz :D