Jack and Ennis fix 1963

[1970 or so]

Jack woke up from their after-sex nap. Ennis looked like he wanted to stay asleep, so Jack put on a pair of shorts, left the tent and sat down on a log at the campfire.

He looked across the stream, at the wide spot a few dozen yards downstream of the campsite. He could see some ripples as fish jumped. He smiled as he thought about how those fish were safe from Ennis and him this trip.

Without wanting to, he thought back to 1963, to their last day on the mountain, to the fight. He thought about it too long, and his eyes got moist. He never heard Ennis coming.

"Penny for your thoughts, as my mama used to say."

Jack jumped six inches. "Shit, Ennis, don't scare me like that!" His tone was sharp. Ennis saw the tears in his eyes.

"Jeez, bud, I'm sorry. Didn't mean to. What's the matter?" Ennis was wearing shorts and a T-shirt.

"Nothin'. Wait a minute. What're you talkin' about?" Jack looked at the ground.

"Jack, this ain't nothin." Ennis put his hand gently against Jack's face and wiped a tear away. "Somethin's wrong. Did I …What?"

Jack stared at him, trying to come up with a story. "I … uh …" But as he looked into Ennis's eyes, he knew he didn't have to lie and sure didn't want to.

"Aw shit, might as well tell ya. You're the only person I can tell. First, ya gotta know nothin's wrong now." Jack grabbed Ennis's left hand and kissed it. "Problem's over and ain't comin' back."

Ennis put his arms around Jack and they sat down on the famous log. "Praise Jesus for that. I just … I was thinkin' how to fix whatever's wrong, and was comin' up with nothin'. I'm a lot happier hearin' about problems that ain't problems no more."

Jack kept his right arm around Ennis's shoulder. "It was the last day on the mountain that summer, after the fight. When I was on the ground, it was every … I … it was so hard not to start cryin', but I just managed it. And ridin' down the mountain was the longest 6 hours of my life. It was fuckin' endless. Shit if I knew what I done wrong that you hit me for."

Ennis turned and faced Jack. "Oh, Jack, it wasn't you." Ennis put his arms around him.

"I know it wasn't, at least I figured that out later, but not that day." Jack pulled Ennis down to their usual spot on the ground and sat in front of him, both facing the creek, and pulled Ennis's arms around his waist. It was easier to tell the story looking away from his friend.

"You weren't sayin' anything, and I was thinkin' as hard as I could about what to do to salvage something. So when we got to the truck and the piece o' shit wouldn't start," Ennis smiled and squeezed him, "I tried to find out if you might want to see me next summer. But you didn't."

Ennis hugged Jack. "Wasn't thinkin' straight, friend. I was gettin' married, and I knew married guys don't do what we were doin'. I didn't know what the fuck to do. I thought about cancellin' the weddin', but that felt like tryin' to stop an avalanche. Mostly I wanted to take a tire iron to Aguirre, for cheatin' me out o' 'nother month up there with you. Like the sumbitch canceled Christmas."

Jack smiled. "Yeah, guess so ... Anyway I kept talkin', hopin' you'd ask for a ride, anything to keep us together a little longer …anything at all. If you'd shook my hand goodbye I was plannin' on not lettin' go." Jack sniffled. Ennis squeezed him again.

"But I didn't."

"No you didn't, asshole." Jack rubbed Ennis's right hand against his cheek. "And then we stopped talkin' and looked at each other and the ground … and then there was nothin' else to do but go."

"Funny, I was hopin' you'd offer me a ride, show me you wasn't as sore as it looked." Ennis rubbed his hand on Jack's cheek.

"So I drove away, saw ya in the mirror, gettin' smaller and smaller … Summer felt like a movie that was fadin' out, with you walkin' off into the sunset. My eyes started to water and I realized I was losin' it. So after about a half a mile I pulled over and got out and sat on the runnin' board and … "

Jack started to sob.

" … aw, shit Ennis, I musta cried for ten minutes … All I could think was I'd never been happier in my whole crappy life than when we was on the mountain, and I'd fucked it up somehow, and I felt so lonely … aw, shit." Jack was almost crying.

"Jack …"

"Oh, Ennis, it was the worst thing that ever happened … felt like part of me died that day. Or maybe--maybe like you died."

"Jesus, Jack, I … I …." Ennis started to tear up.

"Oh, Ennis." It took about 10 seconds before Jack could go on. Ennis could only listen in agony for the pain he had caused the most important person in the world to him.

"Cried almost as much as when my dog got run over when I was 8 … " Jack sniffled loudly to avoid dripping onto Ennis's arm. "Anyway, I was still cryin' when this guy walks by and stares at me and asks if there's anything wrong. I thought about sayin' course not, I always cry when I get good news, but instead I thought for a second and decided to tell the truth."

"That's always easier to remember."

"So I said, 'Yeah, I think I just lost my best friend.'" Jack sobbed again.

Ennis started to sob as he nuzzled the back of Jack's neck. "Oh, Jack, my little darlin' …"

Jack paused for a moment, he loved that word so. "Anyway, he looked at me funny, and looked back the way he came, and looked at me again, and just said, "I'm real sorry." And went on walkin'."

Ennis sniffled, and even managed a chuckle. "Jack, we done?"

"Yeah, I think so." He sniffled. "Anyway, that's what you caught me in the middle of. But like I said, it ain't a problem no more."

Ennis leaned forward and turned Jack's face toward him, and kissed him.

"No, it ain't. I'm not goin' nowhere, Rodeo … "

"I sure hope not, cowboy, 'cause if I have another day as bad as that one between now and the day I die, I'm gonna be real pissed off."

"It musta been quite a day for that dude, if he's who I think he was."

"Huh? Who could it be?"

"He's probably the guy who walked by me coupla minutes earlier, when I was bendin' over in an alley feelin' like I was gonna puke my guts out 'cause I let you get away. You treated him better 'n I did."

"Musta been the same guy. Musta thought we'd just checked outta Heartbreak Hotel." They both chuckled. "So you was feelin' that bad?"

"Oh yeah, I felt pretty much like you did, like I'd fucked up and lost my best friend. Biggest mistake I ever made, stupidest thing I ever done, that kinda thing. And maybe what's worse, I had all day to fix it ... until you drove away ... All my fault ..."

Ennis turned his head and looked away as he rubbed Jack's shoulders. Jack leaned into him and tilted his head back.

"Pissed away four years ... Kinda funny, didn't seem so bad back then, but now it feels like such a long time ... what a dumbass ... shit, Jack, I'm so sorry." He hugged Jack real tight, put his face next to Jack's, and closed his eyes as two tears rolled down his cheeks, one ending up on Jack's cheek. Jack stroked Ennis's legs, and loved Ennis more than he ever had.

"Aw, sweetie ... 's all right," said Jack, closing his eyes and leaning more into Ennis.

"Guess we wasn't done after all ... huh?" Ennis whispered into Jack's ear. He loosened his grip, sat back and coughed. "It's gettin' hard to talk again. Let's go get the beer outta the creek."

They stood up.

"Good idea, cowboy." Jack turned around and kissed him, for a long time

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