OK - I was toying with doing another missing Stef/Callie scene from the premiere and there was a general consensus of "do it" so I did. As I realised that the time in the episode was tight it really ended up as a bit of a prequel but I figured that this was a conversation that could have been had the night before anyway so I hope it works. It's not the most exciting fic but hopefully it'll give some depth - or maybe at the very least people who are always requesting Stef/Callie will have another exchange. I dunno! Anyway, I hope someone enjoys it.
Callie kicked her legs against the wall she was sat on. The night was cool and although she was nearly home she wanted to hang on for just a few more minutes. It had already been starting to get dark as she was leaving work, having taken the later shift, but it was only now she was noticing how bright the moon was against the darkness. The late shift was something she generally avoided doing as she knew Stef and Lena didn't like her coming home late on school nights, but when the opportunity came up for this particular day she had decided a full evening of work would be a nice distraction. She wasn't sure how she would feel about being in the house tonight, not the night before the court's decision. Her reluctance to go home was yet more confirmation she had made the right choice for her evening.
The process and wait for the ruling had been long with so much having happened since she first heard the name Robert Quinn. All of the fall-out from Vico and Brandon, something she couldn't help but feel involved with despite how many times she had been assured otherwise. Then there had been the pregnancy, the early stages rendering Lena ill for most of the early months and in general hormones making tensions unpredictable. She had enjoyed it though, in a strange way. Ever since Jude had been adopted things had felt firm, secure. Whatever happened now Jude was there forever, whether things were firm for her or not she could convince herself she had a permanent link to the family through him and that safety and settled feeling within the family had meant she hadn't thought too much about tomorrow - until tonight.
She wasn't even sure why she was dragging her feet. This was about her wanting to be with the family, not away from them, but then part of her knew as soon as she was in the house it would make what would happen if things fell through more vivid.
She felt a small buzz in her bag and quickly dived down. It was a second missed call from Stef, the first one apparently unnoticed. She squinted for a moment before noting the time and quickly jumped up from her position. She hadn't realised how long she had been sitting outside for. Tapping at her screen while she ran, she quickly sent a text saying she was nearly home. She slipped into the house with a vague hope that Stef had just been checking in and was otherwise too busy to want her to justify herself in person. The figure pacing the hall as she returned proved she wouldn't be so lucky.
"Really?" Stef chastised gently, folding her arms.
"I honestly lost track of time, I just took a long route back." She bit her lip apologetically as Stef's shoulders dropped down.
"Honey, we don't like you working this late as it is. You said you were going to be getting a ride…" She added, her eyebrows creasing together though her tone was more concerned than angry.
"I…well, it fell through and I figured I needed the walk. It wasn't dark when I left. I just wanted to clear my head a little." She winced as Stef looked deep into her eyes. She knew what would be bothering Callie, she and Lena had been getting just as nervous, but she knew that Callie was trying to downplay her own fears. This seemed like a good opportunity to force them out of her.
"Uh-huh." Stef squinted, her tone now turning more playful. "Well then come, sit. We'll clear it a little more." She placed her hands on her shoulders and pointed her towards the sofa.
"You don't need to, really. I think I just wanna go to bed."
"You gonna be able to sleep?" Stef challenged as she continued to move her forwards before sitting down and patting the seat next to her. With a cross between a smile and an eye-roll Callie reluctantly sat down as Stef put her arm round her back across her shoulders.
"You're late home after doing something we weren't too hot on in the first place, don't you be rolling your eyes at me." She poked her gently with another playful chastisement as Callie took a deep breath, her mind still too focussed on the bigger things to truly concentrate.
"Now why don't you tell me what's going on in that beautifully busy mind of yours." Stef whispered softly, her tone increasingly gentle. "I'm not going to force you to talk about things you don't want to but we did agree we'd all try and be more open with our feelings, yes?" She brushed her daughter's hair back gently, Callie finally making eye contact.
"It's not that." She replied softly. "I'm not hiding things. I guess I'm just nervous. It's not anything you can really help me with. I'm just being…you know." She tried to hide her discomfort with a laugh as her hand twitched up to her nose. "You'll just be forced to say the same things you always feel you have to say."
Stef exhaled deeply as she began to twirl Callie's hair between her fingers, staring at her troubled eyes from the side. She remembered a time Callie would have never let her be sat this close, never mind with this much contact, but more and more she was accepting it with little resistance.
"Maybe you can tell me what you're nervous about – and I don't feel I have to say anything, thank you very much." She teased squeezing her shoulder softly again before cocking her head to the side and locking Callie's eyes. "Come on love, talk to me." She let it hang for a moment as she saw the words were finally gathering on Callie's lips before she eventually began.
"I guess I'm just not sure I want tomorrow to come. On one hand it could all go our way and everything's perfect. It's done. No more limbo." She shrugged, the thought almost provoking a smile before her darker pessimism set in. "But on the other, if it doesn't then you know what the judge will say. It's going to be another new person I have to bring in…and…" She looked to Stef's expectant gaze unsure if she wanted to admit what she was thinking, something Stef immediately could detect.
"Honey, you don't have to protect me from your feelings." She whispered as Callie bit down and closed her eyes.
"If I have to choose either giving up on the adoption or another unknown road - well I'm not sure it'll be what you or Jude want to hear."
Stef rolled her head back and took Callie in a little tighter. This was a thought process she had expected, in some ways she probably had the same thoughts. There was nothing she wanted less than yet another person interfering in their lives but at the same time she had been trying to avoid having to consider them until she had to. Either way, there was a more pressing issue to address than her own thoughts – one she was glad Callie had given her the opportunity to.
"Now you listen to me." She began, pushing her own fears aside as she cupped her free hand on Callie's cheek. She forced her to look into her eyes hoping that she would only have to say this once.
"Whatever happens tomorrow, whatever decisions you have to face, I don't want you to waste a minute of your time worrying about me or Lena or even Jude. Jude is safe."
"I know he is…" Callie immediately jumped in. "But it's still won't be the same for him." She looked back earnestly as Stef dropped her head down in sympathy and brushed her thumb against her jaw in a gentle caress.
"Then we'll help him through that. It's not your job to try and protect him any more, as much as you always will. If there is a decision that has to be made then you have to make it for you, understood?"
Callie nodded, flicking one of her fingernails with her thumb as there was another brief silence. As genuine as Stef's words were, and as much as she knew they were true, protecting Jude was second nature to Callie – and what's more, she also knew it was how she best protected herself. Thinking of them as a package was how she reassured herself; she was under the impression she was reassuring him. The comparison took her back to the last time she faced a decision like this. She thought about the difference. This time she really was having to face that she was the only one she needed to protect. As much as she wanted to she couldn't lump Jude in with her, but in line with that the force now protecting Jude on her behalf also had some space for her and she could feel it around her body, its simple presence giving her strength to voice the words she always would have kept to herself in the past.
"When I went round to Donald's that time; that first time after I found out he was living here…I remember standing at the door and being so scared about what I was going to find, you know?" She looked forward, once again smiling in disbelief at the misfortune she had faced. "I guess with him I lucked out…if you can call it that." She shrugged before looking back to Stef. "But what are the chances of that happening again?"
Stef sighed gently, brushing her hand against the side of the young girl's face, knowing there was still more she wanted to say. She was desperate to bathe her in reassurance but at the same time she was disciplining her instincts not to rush Callie's developing confidence. Rewarded by her patience, Callie began to speak again.
"And at least I knew Donald – I mean, I wasn't sure whether he would have changed or whether I could face him or forgive him…but at least he was still my Dad." She looked back to Stef, her eyes wide and pleading. "I just don't know if I can be stood on another doorstep. I've waited on too many doorsteps." Her voice dropped as she instinctively shuffled closer into Stef who gladly held her in tighter. Both chests rose and fell in rhythm with each other as Stef gave her a lingering kiss on the head.
"You're part of this family, Callie." She whispered. "Whether we can make that official or not may not be in our hands, but it won't change it. Jude is our son, legally now and you're his sister. Even if you aren't our daughter on paper that won't change. If the judge rules against us tomorrow then we'll take it from there. You will have a choice to make and you will be able to make it with as little or as much involvement from us as you want – it will always be your decision - but honestly I think we have a pretty strong case."
She felt Callie's head nod gently as she let a long draw of air escape though her gritted teeth. "As I've said many times before, I can't promise it will all be fine, but I can promise you that any doorsteps you end up on we will be doing everything in our power to be right there with you – and if we can't then I will be on the doorstep of every judge in the state until someone lets me in." She rubbed Callie's arm swiftly as she was rewarded with a grateful smile.
"I'll also be on the doorstep waiting for you if you dawdle home from work this late again so no more of that, please." She squinted, trying to lighten the tone. It worked, prompting a shuffle beneath her.
"I'm sorry! Again." She smiled through a laugh. "I just really needed some air."
"Alright, well that's the end of these late shifts on school nights anyway. I know you accepted this one before we could say no, but take this as a no for future ones, yes? It's too late for you to walk back and clearly we can't trust you to actually get rides when you say you will…"
"OK, OK – I know." Callie nodded. "No more."
"Good." Stef smiled to herself at the sweet normality. In her own way she too was now wishing that tomorrow's ruling wouldn't come, just in case. She dismissed the thought, leaning forward again. "And you will be in this house for us to enforce that." She added, nuzzling the side of her head with a return to a playful threat.
Callie nodded, chuckling gently through her nose before Stef picked things up again.
"Is that you sufficiently mothered for now or is there anything else you want to talk about?" She asked brushing Callie's hair from her face again as she shook her head in response. "OK." Stef patted Callie's leg as she pushed herself off the sofa. "Well I'm going to go upstairs – you should think about heading too." She added.
"I won't be long." Callie smiled back, even though her eyes still told a different story.
Leaning forward to cup her cheeks again Stef kissed her forehead. "Try to put those fears aside, we've got you." She whispered until she was convinced of acknowledgement. As Callie's eyes swelled with appreciation, Stef gave her one last quick kiss on the head before she finally departed and disappeared up the stairs.
Callie flopped back against the sofa, her hand bracing her forehead. She could still feel the warmth of Stef's grasp, that blanket of security. More and more she was finding herself rely on it, treasuring it. A lot had changed since she was last dealing with this and part of her wondered if together she would have the strength to face another obstacle – one more risk now that the fall back situation was softer. At the same time though, it was that safety that made the gamble of altering things too much to risk. She had that security here and now and she couldn't bear to think of that being taken away again. Right now though, tomorrow was coming whether she wanted it or not – she just had to hope that when that gavel dropped it would be making that feeling permanent.
Alright. I kinda wish I'd written this fic before Opening Closed Doors as I'm not sure if the psychology conflicts a little but I guess they are too separate stories anyway. Anyhow, thanks for reading and I would love to know thoughts (especially if they're nice ones)!
And hey - I've added another chapter too!