Ed sits in the Captain's chair, propping up his chin with the palm of a hand.
"Goddamn space is boring. Been sitting here almost a week and nothing has happened. This is nothing like Star Trek. The further out we go, it's just more space."
"Hence the name space," says Gordon.
Ed straightens up and leans forward, "Gordon, you must be doing something interesting. What'cha doin'?"
"Just pressing buttons."
"Ah," Ed sits back bored. "Wait – you do know what they do, right? You aren't just pressing them randomly, right?"
"Nooo," Gordon stops a finger over one, "of course not."
"Good. Keep pressing them."
"Yes, sir."
John leans over slightly to Gordon and says in a low voice, "You figured out what all these buttons do?"
"Nah, I just press them in sequences on and off so it looks like I do."
LaMarr nods his head and leans back away.
"Hell, we're even cataloging nebulas," says Ed.
John speaks up, "To be fair, sir, is probably is punishment for grabbing the Penockian leader by his penis."
"How was I supposed to know Penockians had penises on their hands?"
"Due diligent research?" John says with some sarcasm.
"I'll say this for him: he was happy to see us," says Gordon.
"Surely this nebula must be interesting. Isaac."
"Yes, sir?" Isaac replies, spinning around to face Ed.
"How goes the cataloging of the nebula?"
"It is still being catalogued."
"Good, good. Anything interesting to report?"
"No," says Isaac.
"Damnit. Oh – Bortus!" he leaps up and stops next to Bortus.
"Captain?"
"One, two, three, four – I declare a thumb war!" Ed sticks a thumb out.
"I wasn't aware thumbs were at war. Was there an official declaration?"
"It's a game, Bortus."
"War is not a game."
Ed retorts, "Then you've obviously not seen 'Wargames'."
"Indeed I have not."
"I'll play," Alara speaks up.
"That's okay, lieutenant, I want to keep my thumb. I think I'm gonna re-name space the giant black suckhole. And so help you Gordon if you make a joke about my ex-wife."
"My lips are sealed, Captain," Gordon replies.
"Who would have thought all those beautiful nebula photos NASA took were colored in. Who would have thought they were all such liars."
"Well, they did fake the Moon landing, sir," says Gordon.
Ed looks at Gordon, "You do remember we've vacationed on the Moon and seen the flag and footprints, right?"
"Planted after-the-fact."
"I think you were planted after-the-fact," says Ed.
"That doesn't even make sense," says Gordon.
"Shut up."
"Captain, incoming transmission from Union headquarters. On a Level-1 secure link," says Alara.
"Finally, some excitement," rubbing his hands together, "how's my hair?"
"It has not changed since you asked us this morning," says Bortus.
"Hair means something to species who have it. Patch the transmission through."
A rectangular window appears on the view screen.
"Admiral Halsey – what can I do for you?"
"Captain Mercer, how are things at the nebula?"
"Neb-tastic, sir."
"Excellent. Please find encrypted in the transmission a set of coordinates. As you know, the Krill have been on a tear lately, so any mission of importance is best kept under wraps."
"You mean … like a top secret mission?" Ed says with some excitement, his eyes widening.
Gordon comments, "Oh, come on, they'd never entrust us with a-"
"Yes, Ed – a top secret assignment."
"Holy crap – top secret work! That ought to make my first officer come to the Bridge today."
"You'll be rendezvousing with another Union ship. Further details will be told to you in person. Captain – from this point on you are to answer no distress calls, pick up no passengers, or give aide of any kind until completion of the mission; go to quantum warp, stay there until you rendezvous. Got it?"
"Yes, sir," says Ed.
"Admiral Halsey, out."
The transmission ends. The Bridge is silent.
"Coordinates decrypted, sir," says Alara.
"Got 'em. Laying in a course," says John.
"Engage quantum drive when ready, John," Ed then presses some buttons on his arm-rest control panel, "Captain Mercer to Commander Grayson … if you feel up to performing your duties today, you're needed on the Bridge," he then waits for a reply.
"Eat me. I don't care if the nebula looks like a penis from a certain angle in infrared."
"No, this one's a real bona fide mission," Ed then mutes it, "I said 'bone'."
"I'll be there shortly. Grayson out."
"Whoa, whoa, whoa – you found a nebula penis and you didn't tell me?"
"Saved it to the image bank," says Gordon.
"Good. I know there was a reason I hired you."
"Captain, I do not believe looking for 'nebula penises' is a proper expenditure of resources and time," Isaac comments.
"Oh, no – it totally is," says John to Isaac.
Ed then responds, "Isaac's right. It's high time we found some nebula boobs."
"Captain," says Alara.
"Alara?" turning to see her.
"We can't help anybody? At all?"
"Those were the orders."
"Quantum drive initiated," says John.
"how long until we get there?"
"About forty-five minutes," John answers.
"Huh. That's a little far off."
"Well, it is a vast suckhole, sir," says John.
"That it is," says Ed.
We see the Orville fly passed our view as stars streak by all around.
.
About forty-five minutes later the Orville drops out of quantum warp. The heading alters toward a nearby moon.
"Are these the coordinates John?"
"Yes, sir."
"I don't see anything."
Gordon comments, "Maybe it's like deep and shit and it's symbolic – they're mooning you."
"You shouldn't say things," Kelly quips to Gordon.
"Look," Alara exclaims, pointing at the view screen.
Beside the moon on the half facing away from the local sun, dozens of lights cut on. Then spot lights. Out from the shadow a massive ship emerges.
"That's no moon," says Gordon.
"I was totally gonna say that!" says Ed.
Kelly looks at it, "That's a Union vessel. Hilton class."
"Hilton class? Never heard of it," Gordon comments aloud.
Ed then comments about it, "I have. It's the Waldorf Astoria of space."
Gordo then says, "Sounds comfy. Can I r-"
Ed cuts him off fast, "Request for transfer denied."
"Damn that was fast."
"Captain, receiving a transmission … on a laser data stream," says Alara.
"Laser data stream?" Ed says with a surprise.
"Nobody uses that anymore," says Kelly.
"It's an audio file," says Alara.
"Play it," says Ed.
"This is Commander Rench of the U.S.S. Mar-a-Lago requesting the Captain and first officer dock immediately with our vessel. Commander Rench out."
"What do you think?" says Kelly, looking at Ed.
"I think I'm gonna lose it if his first name is Monkey."
"Whatever, Mr. Ed. Let's go get in a shuttle," she presses some buttons on her command chair's arm-rest control panel, "Shuttle Bay, prep a shuttle immediately for me and the Captain."
"Aye, sir," a voice responds.
"Whoa, aren't you taking us?" asks Gordon.
"Yeeeaaahhh, sure I guess," says Ed.
"Well, if he's going, I'm going," says John.
"Oh, can I come?" Alara speaks up, too.
"Well, I don't kn-"
"I too would be interested in seeing this luxury vessel," says Bortus.
Ed then speaks in a more commanding tone, "Now, hold on – this is a requested delegation, not a boarding party. Gordon and John, you're with me. Alara, I'm putting you in command again. Mainly because I know if we get in trouble, you'll disobey Union orders and save my ass, but also because Bortus is still breast feeding his son. Which I am still not over."
Bortus responds, "Again, my down time could be reduced if I were allowed to feed Topa on the Bridge during my shift."
"No," says Ed.
Ed turns around and the four of them leave the Bridge.
.
The shuttle approaches from behind the large vessel in-between two horizontal long-looped quantum nacelles.
"Look at the size of this thing! It's bigger than Shamoo and Ted Kennedy combined," says Gordon.
Ed also says, "It could eat our ship and still have room for ten deserts. Then do it again."
"IGT – what is Ed's Saturday night for five hundred, Alex?" says Kelly.
Hovering runway light buoys form a path to the main Shuttle Bay, blinking one at a time down the line to the bay doors. Fireworks go off and a large holographic display screen lights up and displays the text: Hello and welcome to the U.S.S. Mar-a-Lago, the greatest ship in the Union fleet. Please enjoy your stay. Remember to wipe your feet.
"Whoa, cool!" Gordon exclaims as the colors of the fireworks light up his face.
"Damn! No one even showed me to my quarters when I got on board," says John.
The shuttle lands on the bay floor. They unbuckle and stand up.
Ed addresses all of them, "Now remember – the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence."
Kelly comments, "There was someone in my quarters when I got on board."
"For the last time – I didn't assign quarters!" Ed says with frustration.
"Beer!" Gordon exclaims, pointing.
"Pizza!" They got a craft table!" John says excitedly.
Ed sighs, "Let's just go see how green their grass is."
.
They walk up to the delegation, the members of it dressed in dress uniforms.
"Hi, I'm Captain Ed Mercer."
"Commander Mike Rench, Captain."
"So close," says Ed.
"Excuse me?" says Mike.
"Never mind. This is my first officer Kelly Grayson, navigator Gordon Malloy and helmsman John LaMarr."
They each shake hands with Rench.
"Is that…" says John, sniffing the air, "real pizza?"
Rench replies, "Yes. All the food is real and made from scratch from the finest ingredients available," he motions to his right and looks as well, "This is our chief of Security, Dan Mann…" he looks back and sees Gordon and John are gone.
"You lost 'em. God help me if my ship is invaded on pizza day," says Ed.
"Where's your Captain, Mr. Rench?" asks Kelly.
"He'll be here any minute now; he received a last-minute communique from Union headquarters."
"This must be pretty important," says Kelly.
"You have no idea," says Rench.
"Hey! Officer Gluttony, officer Piggy! I swear to Zod there better be pizza left over for me!" Ed shouts out, then looks at Kelly, "I should have left Gordon in command, that way I know I'd have pizza for sure. Oh, hello there Lieutenant Commander Mann," he extends a hand.
"Greetings, Captain," Man responds as he shakes hands with Ed.
A lift stops and opens; an ensign in a white uniform runs out, stops, and plays a piccolo, letting out the familiar three notes from maritime tradition.
"Captain on deck!" the ensign bellows.
Ed says to Kelly, "How come he gets a Captain on deck? All I got when I got on board was Gordon farting and saying "Dick on deck'."
The Captain exits the lift. As he approaches, Kelly and Ed note the award medals above his badge, gold shoulder pad decorations and royal red uniform. Kelly's smile dissipates.
"Captain Mercer, it's good to see you. I'm of course Captain Donald Prumpt," he shakes Ed's hand.
"Those two stuffing their faces are Lieutenant Gordon Malloy and Lieutenant John LaMarr. And this is my first officer Kelly Grayson."
"Miss Grayson, you're very beautiful; much better than your personnel photo indicates," he out stretches a hand. She doesn't shake it.
"Captain," she says curtly. Ed notices.
"Please, call me Mr. Prumpt."
"Ah, Mr. Prumpt, this is an impressively big ship you've got here," says Ed.
"That's an understatement. It's huuugggeee! Finest, most luxuriest ship in the fleet. State-of-the-art. Just look at that big beautiful main Shuttle Bay door."
"You have two shuttle bays?" says Ed with surprise.
"Three and a private hanger for my Captain's yacht."
"You have a Captain's yacht?" Ed says with even more surprise.
"I think we're getting off track here," says Kelly.
"She's right," says Ed.
"Come – we'll go to the Briefing Room," says Captain Prumpt.
.
The extra-wide and luxurious turbolift they're in comes to a halt. Prumpt and Rench and the rest get out of comfy chairs and exit it. In the hall are paintings, some snacks in bowls in wall recesses, and the classical piece Leo Delibes plays. They reach a door which quietly slides open. A sensual female computer voice speaks, "Good morning, Captain."
"Your Briefing Room has its own dedicated hall and private elevator access?" Ed asks.
"Oh la la – a chandelier," Gordon says, looking up at the ceiling, which is higher than normal.
"Look at these chairs. Is that … real wood? And those soft plush cushions…" says Ed. He sits down, "Oooooowwwww … my ass has died and gone to cushion Heaven."
"Mahogany. The finest quality on Earth. Hand crafted by the greatest craftsmen alive. It's lovely, just lovely," says Captain Prumpt.
The ensign walks up to the table, "Can I get you anything to drink?"
"Oh my God – do you have real soda on hand?" Ed asks.
"Mr. Prumpt, perhaps it's time to actually find out why we're here," says Kelly.
"Of course. Three months ago the Planetary Union was contact by a-"
Ed's communicator goes off; he pulls it out, "Alara?"
"Captain, one Krill sector-patrol fighter approaching!"
"Shields up, red alert, arm the weapons systems!" Ed commands.
"Yes, sir!" Alara responds.
"Damnit, I should have had that pizza," Ed says.