Summary: A brief look at how certain oddities in chapter 700 possibly came to be. Or: why Anko is pleasantly plump, Sai married Ino, and what really annoys Tenten about her shop.

Naruto 700+

A Naruto One-Shot by

Nate Grey (xman0123-at-aol-dot-com)

Tsunade wanted, more than ever, to get seriously drunk. However, it was her final official day as Hokage, and she intended to stay drunk for the entirety of the following week, so a few more hours sober wouldn't kill her. It was a very close thing, though.

Her current two headaches, thankfully, would soon be out of her hands. For the moment, however, they were taking up considerable room in her office, and generally making a huge, combined nuisance of themselves.

Headache Number One was Mitarashi Anko. This was not unusual, as Anko had a gift for getting under people's skin, and Tsunade had admittedly used her for that very purpose in various missions.

Currently, Anko was in no shape for any mission. During the the Fourth Shinobi World War, Anko had been captured by Yakushi Kabuto, and her cursed seal used as a spare power source. Furthermore, Sasuke had actually drawn a portion of Orochimaru's soul out of Anko's seal. Tsunade had no idea how that had worked out, only that it had been hell on Anko's body. And while there appeared to be no trace of her cursed seal left, Anko's body seemed to still think it was in hell with no hope of rescue. It kept trying to expire on her, and having gone so long without real nourishment, no one could really blame it.

Tsunade had prescribed a steady, virtually never-ending diet of healthy foods, but it hadn't done much good. Anko wanted to live, of course, but being Anko, one just had to keep an eye on her. Twice now Tsunade had caught her trying to steal junk food, and dango seemed to keep falling out of her hospital gown. Tsunade had transferred Anko to her office out of sheer frustration, hoping that the constant flow of visitors would keep Anko entertained enough to keep her away from unhealthy foods. It actually worked, sort of: Anko occupied herself by making rude comments, instead. And considerably less dango fell out of her clothing now, although Tsunade was beginning to suspect that Anko's dango cravings had been replaced by a thirst for the stash of sake Tsunade kept in her desk. Or used to keep there, as it was a few bottles light at the moment.

Headache Number Two was Karui, a Kumo-nin that the Raikage had sent with orders to secure an inter-village marriage. Tsunade understood that this was a way of strengthening ties between the two villages, and she was all for that. Unfortunately, the Kumo-nin featured in that marriage contract was Karui herself, and she was one of the most annoyingly aggressive people that Tsunade ever had the displeasure of meeting (second perhaps only to Anko, fittingly enough). Tsunade could not think of a less likely person to become anyone's wife, but Karui seemed strangely eager, all things considered.

Tsunade was stuck: she couldn't leave either Headache alone. Anko required close supervision until she was deemed stable (medically, anyway), and Karui had already tried to brawl with several chunin, for no other reason than "they looked like they could take a punch or two" in her eyes. But as troublesome as the two Headaches were separately, they were worse together. Anko's need to constantly keep eating did not seem to hamper her ability to talk with her mouth full, and Karui apparently considered Anko to be a fountain of wisdom, or at least hot gossip. And though Tsunade hated to admit it, Anko was uniquely knowledgeable in Karui's main area of interest.

Basically, Karui wanted to know which clans made for the best lovers. She was very concerned about being stuck with a "dead fish" for the rest of her life. Anko, on the other hand, was rather proud of the fact that she had firsthand knowledge on the topic, and didn't mind sharing it. Tsunade wasn't really surprised by that, as she'd heard plenty of rumors about Anko. She was surprised, however, that Anko not only seemed to have some dirt on every clan in Konoha, but also kept in contact with at least one person in each who would have been happy to resume being her lover. Tsunade had already heard enough where she would have considerable trouble looking any clan head in the eye in the near future. She had seriously begun to consider doing a Jiraiya and diving headfirst out of the window, when she was unexpectedly rescued.

Akimichi Choji walked into her office, bringing the conversation to an abrupt but welcome halt.

"Hokage-sama," Choji said, bowing to her respectfully. "As the newly instated sixteenth head of the Akimichi Clan, I am here to request an audience with you, concerning the marriage contract issued by Kumogakure."

Karui sat up a little straighter, but oddly said nothing. She was a little too busy ogling Choji's muscles, Tsunade guessed.

Tsunade cleared her throat. "While I appreciate your clan being so forward, I understand that the representative from Kumogakure has not yet had a chance to tour the village to her satisfaction. If you would be willing, perhaps you can act as her escort?"

"I would be honored, Hokage-sama," Choji replied, earning a grin from Karui. Apparently she was into big, burly guys, which made a certain amount of sense, considering where she hailed from.

"I would also request that you allow us to assist in accelerating the recovery of Mitarashi Anko," Choji added, causing Anko to drop her stashed dango and sake in surprise. "I believe my clan can provide her with the nourishment she requires to regain her former state of health."

"It's a little more complicated than you might realize," Tsunade explained. "She essentially needs to eat nonstop right now, which I'm sure you could easily manage. But she also needs constant monitoring, so what we're really talking about is me releasing her into your custody, until such time she is able to stand on her own two feet. That could take several months."

"We'll have her back in fighting shape in one month," Choji stated boldly.

Tsunade had no idea that Choji apparently meant Akimichi fighting shape. But in one month, the new and improved Anko was ready for missions. She was considerably heavier, and had far less offers for lovers pouring in, but she was ultimately happier and surprisingly healthier than she had been before. Anko maintained that the Akimichi had shown her how to drop the weight in a matter of minutes, if she ever needed to. But for the time being, she enjoyed that her punches had a bit more weight behind them, and random men weren't constantly hitting on her the way they used to. Rather, the majority of them approached her behind closed doors now, apparently a little embarrassed by their attraction to heavier women.

Whatever magic the Akimichi worked on Anko, Choji had done the same with Karui. Only a week after their tour of the village, Tsunade was notified of their engagement. Karui gave every sign of being thrilled with her choice of spouse, though Tsunade had to wonder if Anko's advice on lovers had anything to do with that. It was especially hard to rid herself of the mental image of an Akimichi using his signature jutsu in the bedroom.

"You're probably the creepiest guy I've ever met. But I bet it's because you're struggling with some deep inner pain, which makes you noble."

"And you are the most gorgeous woman I have ever seen. Far more beautiful than Sakura."

Sai had learned from Sakura how to talk to women. Since everything he usually said was considered insulting, he always lied and said the opposite of what he meant. So while he was not at all attracted to Ino, he found her amusing, and correctly estimated that her hips, which she drew attention to rather frequently, were made for child-bearing. Sai did not exactly want a child, but understood this was how things were done, and what else was he going to do with Ino? Certainly not talk to her regularly. She did enough of that for five people as it was.

Ino grinned. "Let's get married and have a kid. Awesome as we both are, it's practically our responsibility!"

Sai nodded. "Our son will be well-endowed and fair to behold."

"And we can name him Sasuke!"

"I would actually prefer to honor your late father by following your clan's traditional naming style." Ino was always impressed when Sai mentioned her father. Sai had been impressed by Inoichi's ability to read people. It was far easier to effectively put people down when you understood what would hurt them the most.

Ino was shocked. "R-Really?"

"Oh, yes. We must show our fallen elders the proper respect." Anything was preferable to Sasuke. The Uchiha had ruined that name for everyone. There wouldn't be another Sasuke born in Konoha for at least a century.

"Well, okay! Let's get married!" Ino was clearly excited.

"Yes, let's get married." Sai was sure he would learn a great deal about emotions from Ino, as she seemed to run the full gambit of them in the space of a few minutes, every few minutes.

Naruto and Sakura were far less excited when Sai told them the good news. In fact, they both shared a quick glance that Sai interpreted as grave concern.

"Um, Sai?" Sakura asked softly. "I don't want to hurt your feelings when I say this, but could it be possible that the main reason Ino wants to marry you, is because you remind her of Sasuke?"

"Yeah, I don't think she wants to marry you for being you," Naruto added.

"Ah," Sai said thoughtfully. "I had considered that. I'm not worried."

"Why not?" Sakura asked.

"Because I don't want to marry Ino simply because she's Ino, either. I am using her just as much as she is using me. Or rather, she is a replacement for me, just as much as I am one for her. It all evens out."

This only seemed to increase their concern, much to Sai's surprise.

"But that's not why you get married!" Sakura protested.

"It's why I'm getting married," Sai pointed out.

Naruto shook his head. "We're saying that you shouldn't get married if this is how you and Ino feel about each other, Sai."

"By that logic, you should be marrying Sakura because you've been in love with her for so long. How is that working out for you, by the way?"

Naruto glared at him. "That's cold, Sai."

"That is the kind of razor-sharp wit you can expect from the soon-to-be Yamanaka Sai."

Sakura perked up at that. "Wait, you're taking Ino's name?"

"Yes, we had a rather nice conversation about it. I have a great deal of respect for Ino's late father, and intend to act as if he were still with us. I feel certain he would insist on this, and I do want to help the clan flourish."

"That's a very open-minded way to approach this, Sai," Sakura said approvingly.

Naruto glanced at her in alarm. "Wait, I thought we didn't want them to get married?"

"That was before I found out about this," Sakura said dismissively. "Sai, I wish you and Ino all the happiness you can handle!"

"Thank you, Sakura. I wish you and Sasuke as much happiness as you can possibly wring out of him. Because I'm sure you'll have to."

Sakura stared at him, slightly puzzled. "Wait, what?"

"You're at least going to treat Ino right, aren't you?" Naruto quickly said, hoping to spare Sai from an immediate punch to the head once Sakura caught on.

"Of course," Sai replied. "I have no major expenses, other than art supplies. I can afford to spoil her."

Naruto frowned. "So you know Ino's using you, and you don't care because you're also using her. She's happy because you're respecting her father, taking her name, and planning to spoil her." He turned to Sakura and asked, "Why did we ever not want them to get married? He's perfect for Ino!"

"Neji, my eternal rival! Fear not! All is in good hands here! The village is strong and peaceful! Naruto has become a splendid Hokage! And I have kept my promise to always watch over Te-"

"See, I told you it was him shouting, kaa-chan!" a young voice piped up.

The man paused in paying his daily respects to his fallen comrade and turned to see two females approaching him, each holding a sunflower. "Ah, Hinata-san! Himawari-chan! How lovely to see you both in high spirits this fine morning! I was just giving Neji my usual update!"

Hinata smiled. "I'm sure he appreciates it, Lee-san. As does everyone else here."

It was something of a joke that when Lee updated Neji, he effectively updated every soul with a grave marker in the cemetery.

"Will you stay and watch us give him our flowers, Mr. Nice Man?" Himawari asked.

Lee shook his head. "Unfortunately, I cannot today, Himawari-chan. Young Metal and I have sworn to complete a mission here in the village, and if we are unsuccessful in time, then we must do a thousand sit-ups! And if we cannot do that, then we-"

"You should hurry," Hinata advised. Lowering her voice, she added, "Tenten is right behind us, and she looked mad."

"I see. Thank you for the warning, Hinata-san!" He nodded to them both, and instead of heading for the public exit, simply ran to the nearest wall and sprang over it.

Tenten joined them only moments later, lugging a sack overflowing with sunflowers and looking rather grumpy about something. "Hey, you two," she mumbled as a greeting.

Hinata and Himawari simply nodded and stayed out of Tenten's way as she began to decorate the grave marker. As usual, she had brought far too many flowers. The relatives of Neji's neighbors had eventually come to accept that even if they would have preferred some other sort of flower, it was really the thought that counted, and that Tenten thought enough of anyone else to give her leftover flowers to Neji's neighbors was more of a blessing than a curse. And if nothing else, she got huge discounts from Yamanaka Flowers and was willing to let others take advantage.

It was only when Tenten was done that she suddenly burst into tears. "Damn you, Neji!" she sobbed, falling to her knees. "How could you leave me alone with these morons?!"

Himawari sprang forward and gave Tenten a big hug. Hinata joined in as well, and they all had a good cry. This did not improve Tenten's mood any, of course.

"I must have been put here just to suffer," Tenten said.

"That just isn't true," Hinata disagreed. "You're a wonderful person with many friends who care for you."

"Yeah, and we all live in a village where everyone thinks I had a kid that I didn't!"

Hinata had to clamp her lips shut quickly to keep herself from laughing, but Tenten saw it and glared at her.

"He's a really sweet boy, though," Himawari offered. "He always offers to carry me home on his back."

"Yeah, he's great, and he's NOT MY SON!" Tenten shouted. "Why won't anyone believe that?! It's the TRUTH!"

"It's just that it's such a logical conclusion," Hinata murmured, earning another glare from Tenten. "Teammates often end up having children together, or at least falling for each other. It happened to you once already. And with Neji gone-"

"I am not falling for, in love with, or planning to ever have children with Lee!" Tenten snapped. "He's my FRIEND! Like a goofy brother than I have to punch in the face every so often! We're not together!"

"But there was that one date-"

"It was NOT A DATE! He got drunk and I had to break a boulder over his head to stop him, and his lips just happened to brush mine in the process! It could happen to anyone!"

"But you were having dinner together when it happened," Hinata reminded her.

Tenten turned bright red. "That was just dinner! It didn't mean anything! And it certainly didn't result in Metal, despite what everyone thinks!"

"Fine, we know he isn't your child. Why is it so awful that people think otherwise? Lee is a gentleman, and more importantly, your dearest friend for life. He would do anything you asked him to, without hesitation. And Metal has always treated you with the greatest respect. Why is that such a problem?"

"You know very well why it is!" Tenten snarled.

"I don't," Himawari pointed.

"Because they're acting like I AM Metal's mother, and I can't take it anymore!" Tenten screamed. "I wake up to find them sleeping in my house! They're always bringing me random flowers for no reason! Every single day that Metal was a genin, he came to my shop to help out because he said someone had made it a permanent D-rank mission. Yesterday I found out from Naruto that no such mission ever existed!"

Hinata blinked. "So Metal has never completed an actual D-rank mission?"

Tenten smirked. "Oh, that's what everyone's first thought is! But no! He was helping out in the shop every day IN ADDITION to all the D-ranks he was doing! Now, can you honestly tell me that's normal behavior?!"

"Sounds like one of Lee's punishment games," Hinata said.

Himawari frowned thoughtfully. "I think it sounds more like a boy who really loves his mother."

Tenten looked as if she wanted to tear out her own hair, and then Himawari's. Then, as if realizing the matching looks might cause yet another conspiracy in which some random child was again mistaken as hers, she burst into tears and took another hour to effectively console.

Hinata could have mentioned that she had heard Lee promise, loudly and daily, over Neji's grave to always take care of Tenten. But she also felt that Neji would be eternally amused that Lee's attempts to do so without Tenten's knowledge were slowly driving Tenten mad. In fact, Hinata fully expected that Tenten would eventually give in and just marry Lee, if for no other reason than she could then force both Lee and Metal into clothing that she did not find quite as offensive to the eyes.

They said the first time was the hardest, and every time after that, somehow easier.

For Akimichi Chocho it was the opposite.

The first time she crushed a man in her gigantic hand, she felt nothing. He had been nothing, his life had meant nothing, and his survival even less. He had not even threatened her directly. Given a few more minutes, Anko would have killed him on her own.

But Anko would have had to take a pill to do so.

Chocho was under no illusions about her sensei's condition. She didn't have all the details, but she had the most important ones. Whenever Anko was eating, that was good. Whenever Anko took a pill, that was bad. And to date, Anko had never needed to take a pill in front of Chocho. Even so, Chocho knew enough about her clan's medicines, and what happened to Anko, to know that ultimately, nothing good could come of Anko taking a pill.

Where the clan members had three pills, Anko only had the one, created and customized just for her, but it worked largely on the same principles: increasing Anko's calorie control, which was already abnormally high due to whatever had been done to save her life after the war. Chocho had heard her parents joke that they had basically turned Anko into an Akimichi, which was less funny and more entirely accurate. Except that to counteract the lingering devastation on Anko's body, she had to consume massive amounts of food, both to stay healthy, and to have enough excess calories to burn immediately in battle, if she needed to.

It was never good for anyone when the old Anko came out. She was like a poison herself, and as if she knew her appearances were now limited, she did as much damage as she could, while she could, before collapsing. It wasn't the aura of pure menace, the unrestrained rage in her eyes, or the way she cackled when soaked in blood that bothered Chocho most. Instead, it was the way her eyes dimmed, how her skin sunk in until it clung to her very bones, and the rapidly slowing heartbeat that Chocho dreaded to feel against her cheek. All of it told her what no one else dared to: that her beloved sensei was living on borrowed time, and taking that pill only sped up the inevitable.

Somewhere deep down, without ever even realizing it, Chocho had decided that she could and would stain her hands with blood, if it meant another minute, hour, day, week, month, or year with Anko, the second most important woman in her world.

They had never spoken of that first sacrifice, and likely never would. Anko had stared afterward, shock and horror warring for control on her face. Not at what Chocho had done, but at why and what it had cost them both. Finally, she had put her arms around Chocho and held her close, saying nothing other than, "You're a sweet kid, Chocho."

After nearly a month, Chocho had broken down and confessed everything to her mother. She had feared that it would mean the end of her training under Anko, but that had apparently never been among her mother's concerns.

"She brought you home to us," Karui said. "She did her job. If you care enough about her to do the same, the how isn't important. And if you can keep those pills out of her, even better."

It wasn't that simple, however. Chocho had no problem with killing to protect her sensei. The problem was, she feared what it meant, that she didn't have a problem with it. Perhaps what she feared, more than that, was that as much as she had learned from the Anko she loved, she was learning just as much from the Anko she dreaded.

Endnotes:

I know that sometimes Kishimoto lies to us. Or at least purposely misleads us. And yet I don't think it's coincidence that Chocho became Anko's student, or at least someone she willingly spends time with. So even if we never see any other firmer Akimichi connection than that, I like to think they might be the reason she's still alive. And plump.

I've made my feelings known about why Ino married Sai, so I thought I'd try to explain why he might marry her. This is largely a joke, of course. I hope that Sai genuinely loves her, or is at least fond of her. And that Ino appreciates him beyond his resemblance to Sasuke. She's let me down before, though.

I only ever suspected two women of being Metal's mother. And I have not ruled out the idea that someone may have been a surrogate for the cause. Or that cloning was involved. Anyway, I feel like if Tenten actually was Metal's mother, Lee definitely would have married her, and he wouldn't have been able to keep his happiness to himself, so everyone would know. And I can't imagine any reason to leave that unmentioned, even with time constraints. So it's probably safe to assume that Tenten is not the mother. Yet I have always found her to be the most normal girl in the cast, so of course she gets shafted in the scene count and apparently ends up unwed and bored out of her mind. Doesn't seem right to me, but maybe Neji is ridiculously hard to replace.