A/N: The word "Deray" means "Wild". Slash. Strong Language. Adult scenes.
After giving the customers of a popular coffee shop an indecent striptease, the only way Sheldon suggested that Raj put his clothes back on was telling him that the girl he was interested was gone and the horrified mousy cashier telling Raj that he was banned. Without access to his bus pants, Sheldon was pressed to play driving instructor as Raj was finally dressed in a usual V-Neck jumper and crinkled trousers to drive them back to his and Leonard's place.
"The girl…..Angela…..does she mind if I call her Angie or Angel?" Raj asked looking around as they walked up the stairs.
"Given as Angela ran out of the coffee shop that you're now banned from approximately thirty minutes ago in unabashed horror,….does it matter?" Sheldon asked. The effects of the drug left Raj ready for a never ending party and he was nude for most of the day.
"Howard he's your best friend, you take him home" Leonard said.
"So he's on untested experimental drugs that cause him to strip in front of women. In usual circumstances, I would take him, but look at him…..Bernadette would be horrified" Howard said.
"Unless given your skinny stature and fragile frame, are you worried that Bernadette would find your best friend's more masculine physique more appealing competition?" Sheldon asked.
"No…..of course not….look at the time. I've gotta go. Mom's varicose veins aren't gonna shrink themselves" Howard said leaving Leonard and Howard with Raj. They watched Iron Man until Leonard got a call from Penny.
"Take Raj with you" Sheldon said.
"I'm not taking naked Raj to Penny's" Leonard said.
Why not? It wouldn't be the first time that Penny's had an unclothed male in her apartment. She'd probably be thankful for the variety, Wallaroos jump from mate to mate. Surely Penny can revert back to her habits?" Sheldon asked.
"Have fun watching Iron man and highly strung naked Raj. Since he's naked there's gonna be a variety of Stains for you to clean up" Leonard said leaving. It wasn't until Sheldon was watching Iron Man with commentary When Raj's anxiety drug started to wear off. He looked at himself and the beer bottles on the kitchen counter.
"Where is everyone? Sheldon why am I naked?" Raj asked his friend.
"You took new, untested highly controversial anxiety experimental drugs to speak to women" Sheldon told him.
"So….I can?" Raj asked. "Wait Sheldon surprise me, I'm gonna put some clothes on" Raj said looking around. His clothes were nowhere to be seen Raj looked in Leonard's room. Sheldon followed him but waited outside at the door.
"You need Leonard's permission to wear his clothing, his Halloween, re-enacting costumes and Star Trek uniform is off limits" Sheldon said.
"Obviously" Raj said. Sheldon looked through the room-mate agreement to find the rules on Clothes sharing, borrowing, touching, browsing and staring, pondering, and general questions about each other's clothing.
"Can you read these and sign and tick the boxes A to D, and sign on the line that proves that I did alert you that these are Dr Leonard Hofstadter's clothes and I did try to stop you using this facial expression" Sheldon said faking an patronizing expression that he was sure Leonard would approve of. Raj nodded and ticked the boxes before Sheldon left him alone to get changed. He came out in a T-shirt and baggy jogging bottoms.
"I'm impressed. I didn't think any of Leonard's stuff would fit me" Raj said.
"Ah, those clothes were purchased when Leonard was convinced that he went through a growth spurt" Sheldon told him.
"Leonard grew?….when?" Raj said.
"He didn't" Sheldon said.
"He attempted different methods to induce a growth spurt to impress a girl that worked in the Geology department. Let's see, he tried exercising, stretches mostly, that had to end because they woke me up earlier than necessary destroying my usual sleeping patterns. Then the super-foods which consisted of burnt porridge and raw carrots, that he wouldn't allow me to label. The fresh fruit juices diet that failed, because Oranges were mostly an immune system modulator. It, has nothing to do with the pituitary Gland or the Thyroid hormones that are relevant to growth. And yes I did tell Leonard that Oranges would do nothing every day for two weeks, but did he listen?"
"No?" Raj asked.
"No. He did not. Thus, this is why you are sweating in Leonard's adult clothes, instead of his miniature ones" Sheldon said.
"Rrrrrright" Raj said sitting down and watching the movie. After the movies finished with the credits commentary Raj had a question to ask his friend.
"Sheldon, you've got a better memory than I do" Raj said.
"That's because it's an eidetic one. Eidetic means….." Sheldon said.
"Sheldon I know what it means…." Raj said.
"Are you sure? Once I used a Superman figurine to explain it to my sister, who was waving a Barbie around him. She didn't know about Clark routinely saving Lois, and explained the word "Eidetic" to her and she nodded, but I don't think she understood….do you? I could look for one of Leonard's figurines to show you" Sheldon asked.
"No!...Look…..Sheldon, me and the girl….Angela. Before I went crazy….did I have shot with her ?" Raj asked.
"Well…" Sheldon said getting up and putting the Iron Man DVD back into the used, but like new case.
"No…I knew it, I struck out again didn't I? I can't believe it!" Raj said spluttering in frustration.
"Wait. Raj before you spend hours wallowing in pity with your "Why me" speech of solitary doom and gloom….." Sheldon clicked the case shut and put it back in it's place on the DVD rack. "See Raj. That DVD case had very loud sharp new click when it closed. Further proof that your best friend Howard sabotages our DVD cases, but Leonard still hands out our DVD's like Captain Kirk handed out tasks to his crew" Sheldon said.
"Yeah Yeah Howard wrecks your discs, I'll talk to him, now just tell me about Angela" Raj said. Sheldon sat back in his spot and started flicking through the TV channels.
"Okay, back to the woman you knew as Angela. We don't know if that's her real name Raj. That could be an alias. She could be a felon in Forty-Nine out of the Fifty American States for all you know" Sheldon said.
"It depends on what she's done. I wouldn't say "no" to a bad girl" Raj said with a shrug.
"In the Hulk film "The Incredible hulk" Edward Norton's Bruce Banner in the beginning was doing fine. He was speaking under the guise name "Mr Green to the then unknown "Mr Blue. Bruce Banner was in Rio De Janeiro, working in a mundane bottle factory. He was learning breathing techniques with Mixed arts experts that slapped him around the face to prevent the Hulk mutations until he got in to a fight with those guys with bad dental hygiene and General Ross and Royal Marine Emil Blonsky found him" Sheldon said.
"What are you trying to say Sheldon? That in the coffee shop Angela wanted to kill me like General Ross wanted to kill the Hulk?" Raj asked.
"In that movie, General Ross didn't want to kill the Hulk Raj. He wanted to capture Bruce. Then only at the end he requested that his soldiers kill The Abomination, but that was only because he was destroying the city" Sheldon said.
"Sheldon does Angela want to invade Raj's Koothrappali's city of pity anytime soon?" Raj asked. "Did I have a shot with Angela?" Raj asked again.
"Before you removed your clothing as if you had a lice infection in every orifice…..it appeared as if you had Quote: "A shot" Sheldon said.
Dr Cooper settled on the Sci-fi channel. Raj walked over to the kitchen and got himself another drink.
"Raj you've just weaned yourself away from experimental drugs. Is alcohol the beverage that is less likely to make you heave on the floor inches away from my spot?" Sheldon asked.
"Fine…I'll get water" Raj said. He got a plastic cup and sat on the sofa and drank it slowly.
"What's wrong with me Sheldon?" Raj asked.
"You took your clothes off and revealed your genitals to group of strangers. Most of whom spat out their coffee and looked in the direction of the appetizing muffins. You might have helped that shop's overall sales. In terms of that company's inflation, that's a positive" Sheldon said.
"You Leonard and Howard with Amy Penny and Bernadette, you're all like Supernovas. Sticking together, shining brightly with pride. Raj said.
"If you put it like that, on Amy's behalf I've got dib's on Keplar's star. It was the most brightest and the most visible Supernova in space" Sheldon said.
"Then there's me. Nothing more than a pulstar, no even worse, the interpulse of a pulstar than you can barely see" Raj said sipping his water. Sheldon glanced the TV, before offering Raj a hot beverage.
Raj refused.
"Raj you're upset. A hot beverage isn't optional" Sheldon said getting up.
"Alphas. Oh Great. Another chance to see Nina and Cameron making out because they're such a hot couple in love" Raj moaned. Sheldon watched TV until the kettle clicked and Sheldon poured him out a cup of coffee. He put it on a tray and put it on the table.
"Here" Sheldon said.
"I'm too depressed to be perked up by coffee" Raj said.
"You're supposed to say "Thank you for the hot beverage" Sheldon said.
"Thanks…." Raj said smelling the coffee before taking a sip.
"You smelt the coffee. Why did you smell the coffee? I make it how always make it, with the same coffee, and the same milk with Two sugars"
"Calm down Sheldon, it's just a habit" Raj said.
"A habit of distrusting friends that make you hot beverages in your hour of need" Sheldon said.
"Sheldon I don't need a Dr Cooper lecture okay?" Raj said. "Me and the angelic Angela could have had something, and experimental drugs made me go crazy and naked. Those drugs took Angela away from me. Maybe it's a sign, that I'll never find anyone. That there are no drugs out there that can cure me" Raj said. They watched Alphas for a while until it went on a break.
"With drugs like Paracetamol, Xanax Prozac, those took months if not years to perfect. Your drug was experimental. There's always a chance that the same or a different company will produce a better stable product that has less or albeit no side effects" Sheldon said.
"I get it Sheldon….but maybe girls just aren't into me" Raj said. "If that's the case what do I do?" Raj asked as he went back to staring at the TV as Alphas came back on.
"Your best friend's an engineer, maybe he could built you a companion" Sheldon said.
"We've all seen Howard's "DIY companions" Sheldon. I don't need a robot with a bra size as big as my head. Can I stay here tonight?" Raj asked.
"Only if you're sober enough to sign the paperwork that comes with that request" Sheldon said. Raj nodded and Sheldon went to one of his many, many drawers. He looked up and could see his friend cringe as the Alpha characters Nina and Cameron gazed at each other on the screen.
"You know Raj….In Alphas season one Episode Eleven called "Original Sin" Dr Rosen makes the speech to Congress. Outing that Alphas are everywhere. Now Gary through the pen that he gave Dr Rosen is able to transmit the Dr Rosen's Speech to the world. Now why did Congress decided to keep Alpha's secret? You ask…..
"I didn't" Raj said.
"Good question" Sheldon said ignoring him.
"One of the many reason's why Congress wanted to keep the Alpha's secret is because they assume that the public will jump to the conclusion that Alphas are dangerous, or corrupt. "But Congress are jumping the gun without asking Jesus for the bullets….as my mother would say. Congress haven't produced a poll or questionnaire or Consensus of any kind to determine what members of the public really think of Alphas. Us as an audience aren't told how the public would feel. Congress are just going on instinct and populist social protocol" Sheldon said.
"Sheldon….What does the Alphas ep "Original Sin" have do to with my sucky love life?" Raj asked.
"The woman who have rejected you can't control the rest of the female population. Just because a select group of women throughout your life have chosen to reject you…..it doesn't mean every female will" Sheldon said shutting the drawer and putting the papers on the table.
"Thanks Sheldon….you didn't have to say that" Raj said sitting closer to him on the sofa.
"Your hot beverage is getting cold" Sheldon said. Raj sipped it, looked at the "Staying over" paperwork then looked at Sheldon. Despite his long speeches and his arrogance, he was starting to see Dr Cooper in a different light. He moved closer towards him on the sofa, hoping that Sheldon wouldn't back away. Sheldon was watching the TV, oblivious. Clouded by Sheldon's compliment Raj decided to take a risk.
"Sheldon what power does Cameron Hicks have again?" Raj asked.
"Cameron has the ability of Hyperkinesis. Hyperkinesis Is the power to….." Sheldon couldn't finish the sentence as Raj crept closer towards him and kissed him on the mouth.
Caught in sensation of touching else's skin for the first time in what felt like forever, Raj breathed Sheldon Cooper's scent in. Then Raj stopped, and moved away from Sheldon, back to his own side of the couch.
"Sheldon, I'm sorry….. it was the drugs…please don't freak out, or tell anyone. Am I banned from here? Do I have a strike against me? Oh God I can't have a strike, I'm working all week and don't have time to go to one of your lectures…..Howard can't know, I'll be at his mercy for months. If Howard finds out, it won't be long before my parents know, please don't tell them Sheldon, I'll give you my pay check for the next six months" Raj pleaded.
"Raj, why would I want your paycheck? At work we're each getting our own paychecks for the next Six months, and based on my successful and unique work, for the foreseeable future" Sheldon said.
"Sheldon I know you hate me now, so...I'm just gonna leave you alone okay?" Raj said getting his keys and running out past a confused Leonard.
"Where you going Raj...wait!" Leonard called out, but Raj was too embarrassed to talk to him and ran out down the stairs in a hurry.
"What did you say to him?" Leonard asked. "Did you Two have another "Alphas" argument again?" Leonard asked, looking at the Television screen.
"Don't blame me Leonard, blame the drugs that make Raj naked" Sheldon said quickly getting up. He went to his room and got a brand new tooth-brush and new mouth-wash out of his drawer.